I just need outside input…

Please bear with me. I have had many issues with my husbands mom being manipulative. This is a recent example-My husband and his mom wanted all of us to get together on Thanksgiving and I reluctantly agreed and trusted even though my anxiety was telling me not to. This meant me and our son along with his brother and his step kid/baby who we had not seen or met in over a year because he was very hurtful to us during the birth of our son (we conceived through IVF and had a very difficult time). Before they came I specifically stated multiple times that I hoped his kids were not sick as I didn’t want our son to get sick because his brother’s kids seem to be sick all the time. Not to mention this is during Covid and I am an RN who currently works at home managing critical care patients. I’m trying to protect our son who is 18 mos. His mom made an excuse and said that the baby was teething but they were fine. Kids (8 month who is his and 20 month old who isn’t his) show up with runny noses and productive coughs. Couple days later my husband leaves for an entire week to go hunting with his dad. Guess who sick (not Covid) now? Me and my son-first time sick, also. My husband talks to his mom every single day and told her we were sick. Not once did she or anyone in his family reach out to me to ask if we needed anything or are ok. My parents came and took our son to the Dr. for me while I was working and picked up my meds for me from my telehealth visit. When my husband got home I mentioned that I was surprised she didn’t check on her grandson (who she prayed and prayed for), he said she did and that she had asked him if we needed anything. Mind you, my husband is 3 hours away from us with little service, so I only really talked to him at night. So he isn’t the best judge of our status, and she has my number. I told my husband I was disappointed that she didn’t reach out to me directly to check on us since she is close by. She is involved with his brother’s kids who came about as an accident/after our son was born/one isn’t even his.
He defends her every time we discuss his mom and does not have my back. We’ve been to counseling over this and he reverts back. I am getting very tired of begging my husband to have my back and protect our family. At least protect our son. I said if it was the opposite I would have mentioned to my mom that I was not happy that she covered for brother and let sick children over here. And we would’ve said sorry we don’t want our son to get sick, we’re going to leave. I protect my little family because that’s what you do when you leave the nest and have a family of your own, right? I am not getting the same in return from my husband and it’s making me look like the bad guy here. My parents are also tired of seeing me get treated like this and really want me to consider doing something about it. I just don’t want my son subjected to this family without me, as my husband has shown me he won’t advocate or protect him, so I feel stuck. Any advice on getting him to understand that he needs to care about our family first.

I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this problem.



What was the end result/recommendations fron the counseling?

Thank you for the kind words. The counselor was concerned that he was too attached to his family and not letting go to form a new family. I have stood up for him many times as his mom gave its the loser brother and my husband has dealt with it so long he doesn’t know better. I don’t want my husband treated like that. He says not the issue that I just didn’t like his mom. She suggested we do date nights, he help me around the house more, and him do things like run me baths and show me love so that I feel more secure in our relationship. She suggested I go around his brother-who has been one of the issues here also. He is one that is the prodigal son, and his mom favors him and hurts my husband quite a bit. This was back in August and none of those things he has done for me. I have apologized to his mother standing up to her and have now gone around his brother. So I am holding up my end. He has not.

Thanks for your post.

What does it mean to go around his brother?

You shouldn't have to beg your husband to have your back or to stand up to his mother for the sake of your and his own son's health. That is a lonely place to be.

Have you mentioned this to the counsellor? Your husband needs to be accountable for his actions, or lack of follow-through. You can't work at the marriage by yourself, he needs to meet you halfway, or at least part of the way. Otherwise, this won't work.

Is your husband having individual therapy? He seems to be cowed by his mother and unable to stand up to her. IF your husband is bringing past baggage into this relationship, this baggage (e.g. mother's hold on him) will affect the marriage until it is dealt with.

You must be finding this stressful. This is not an easy position to be in.

It seems that your husband is unable to create a space where he can have his own positive influence on his own family. I don't imagine that's your fault.. On the other hand I guess he would benefit greatly from your support and guidance in trying.