[Chocopiano27]

Hi! In short, I've already been treated for CPTSD & depression for more than 7 years. The cause? Dysfunctional family. No boundaries, lack of emotional security. I lived my whole life with a total of 8 people, with an occasional 5 more people. Mostly, not my main fam. The good news is, from all those treatments I'm actually getting a lot better.

The problem is... I still live with them (it's common in my country to live with fam until you're married). I often still feel resentment esp. towards my mom. And I feel really bad. I can't stop thinking that a lot of what happened to me was caused by her inability to understand my needs. And whenever a member of my fam bullied me, she thought it was nothing to worry about -- even funny. I often felt attacked but had no one to protect me.

She is a very insensitive-perfectionist-ignorant person. But at first, she looks very kind and cheery. She definitely cares about me, she wants me to always be well even forget to look after herself for someone else (but Idk though... since she often forgets to care about herself either way. My grandparents seem to care for her when she forgets..). But I never even once, feel like I can connect emotionally with her. She treats me, but she always feels so distant. I can't really understand why.

(Oh and my sis also had some moments (years) where she was suicidal because of her own emotional problems, but blackmailed only me to keep the secret or else she would literally die, so yes I have resentment towards her too).

The question is... What should I do? I've been thinking to move out but I feel like I'm the one at fault. I feel like I have a caring fam, everything provided for me at home. Food, shelter, water, etc. I also have trust issue with friends so I'm really afraid of getting lonely by myself, what if my depression suddenly went crazy again? But being here, I'm not happy. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm always angry when I see them and it's driving me nuts.

[RoxanneToto]

I can relate to much of this; I do try and connect, but it’s difficult and like you, I feel I’m the one at fault, for not being close to either of my parents as I would have wished. I think this is something the emotional neglect makes you feel, however. It was up to your parents to help meet those needs, up to a certain point in your development at least.
They might have had their own issues that prevented that happening, but nevertheless, they were supposed to be the ‘responsible’ ones in your life. You have to basically give yourself things they didn’t, as an adult. But the good thing is that you recognise the issue. Many don’t get that eureka moment.
I actually am moving out soon, which is something my counsellor started encouraging me to do, early on. I was resistant at first, but now I’m coming out of ‘the fog’ more, I’m glad I found somewhere else to go.
As for being lonely, is there anywhere you can connect with like minded people (I get covid might hamper that)?

[poshgirl]

I can relate to this too!

I've always felt an outsider in my family, with my younger brother the favourite child. My mother claims her mother favoured my aunt (her sister). Having little self-esteem, she tries to inflict this on others, seeing it as the natural way to behave. As a result, she has a closed mind.

Perhaps it's a result of the pandemic and/or meeting a new friend, but I've had an awakening. Even being a 60+ adult has contributed to my change of attitude. In recent conversation with my aunt, in which I corrected a lot of what my mother said, her final comment meant so much. "Now I know it's not all you". At last, someone in the family understands!

I understand it is difficult for you to leave but you need to, for your health and self-esteem. It will be hard at times but if you have a positive support network in place, then you can do it.

You are not at fault. You are not allowed to be an individual. It's also difficult to understand why the person who nurtured you can't accept you are an individual. I wish you well

[Bill3]

The good news is, from all those treatments I'm actually getting a lot better.

Congratulations!

Perhaps your feelings of resentment, and your next step(s), would be fruitful topics for therapy?

[Rive.]

What to do? Distancing yourself would help. Yes, they provide for you but as you say, is it enough? You do not feel emotionally cared for.

At the same time, moving out and being on your own could indeed trigger your depression. So you would be trading one 'problem' with another. IF you want to move out, make sure you have a support network. It would be useful to have mental health support to help you through this journey too i.e. counselling.

[Madammebutterfly]

I don’t know your personal situation (e. g. Lack of friends, finances etc.), but by what you tell, I think moving out could be the best. How about renting some Airbnb for a couple of weeks? Then you can do the transition slowly and it might be less shocking for you and your mum.

[SprinkL3]

I related to everything you felt many decades ago, and I moved out. I've been independent and healing ever since. Was it tough? Yes. I even spent many times homeless. I know that's not the ideal, but homelessness was way better than the trauma triggers and painful feelings I got being around dysfunctional family. My mom wasn't abusive, but she was neglectful. She and I are close in words and in caring for one another, but we're not close in terms of bonding or feeling this emotional connection. I feel more emotional connection with my therapist and with my friends than I do family. But I've been physically and sexually hurt by men in my family and otherwise, so that's a layer that you might not experience.

I can definitely understand childhood emotional neglect issues though.

My friends who felt stuck in their relationships with their toxic family members, or even felt stuck with being parentified to one or more family members (a parent, a sibling, or both), said that they found healing and freedom the moment they chose to leave. That decision took some of my friends a long time, due to the guilt they felt. Some took years, whereas others took just months. You'll know when the time is right.

You do want to avoid being homeless though, and you do want a plan. Since you're in physically or sexually endangered, or being reminded of physical or sexual abuse, you might be able to set up a transition plan before you move out. You can plan to move out, and you can prepare your family in subtle or direct ways for your moving out - that is, if it is safe to do so. If your telling them that you're moving out will cause all sorts of arguments and rejections, especially cultural rejections, then perhaps you can wait to tell them you are moving out until the last few days that you are there, so that they don't just throw you out on the street or something.

Every situation like this is different, but almost all people who have moved out felt better. They still struggled, but they felt better.