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Jordeen
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Default Jan 01, 2022 at 07:57 PM
  #1
Greetings all,

I have a very perplexing situation that I could use advice . Please take careful note of the personality traits and actions of the person I speaking about and maybe you can shed some insight into this.

I'm a single gay man. I've never been open regarding my sexual orientation to anyone at work. One day, a male coworker who is married with two kids was riding along with me to a local business meeting. During our private trip together he blatently asked me out of the blue with an intensity of emotion:

"Hey, why aren't you married?"

I was taken aback by that abrupt statement and I felt it was none of his business that I go into detail, and thinking, is it required that every man be married?

"Because I enjoy my bachelor lifestyle." I replied.

He responded in a somewhat nervous and jittery tone:

"Well, I have a friend who is like that. He has no interest in marriage or women. I mean, it doesn't matter to me. I also have friends that are gay."

My eyes went wide open in shock as to why he would be approaching me in this manner. I stared into the distance upon the road in front of me as I drove. I didn't respond and that topic ended.

It left me with a strange perception of him, wondering why he would be so personal. Those conversations, at least said in that context in a work setting are personal and usually not discussed in such a manner between coworkers.

We had been congenial with one another at work but never off-work friends. He never put forth effort at work and eventually got fired. During the time I knew him he had a rudely annoying habit.

His wife would call him at work at least a dozen times per day to check up on him. Whenever we were engaged in a conversation he would immediately answer his wife's call, abruptly walk away and completly ignore and forget about the conversation we were engaged in. He was never apologetic. It was extremely annoying and rude to say the least.

He also had another habit of starting weekend side gigs to earn extra money, brag about how he was going to turn it into a business but would never follow through and his plans would fall by the wayside. So, in other words he alway struck me as being ineffectual, lacking character and determination.

Fast forward a few years later after we both left the company and went our separate ways. He called me on the phone out of the blue to see what I was up to.

Early on in the conversation he blatantly ask me:

"Are you gay?"

I thought this was extremely rude and intrusive as I was wondering what his intentions were.

Then in a nervous tone he said:

"Well, I mean, I'm gay, or bisexual. Whatever. I mean, I've gone both ways. It's no big deal, I like anything, I like it all, whatever. Hahahaha! My wife and I played around with the same sex when we were dating. Before we got married I told her I was bisexual and she was okay with that."

Whoah! I thought. What a very uncomfortable mind dump this guy just laid on my lap. I didn't feel that I had anything to hide especially now that I'm no longer in the work environment so I confidently replied:

"Yeah, I gay."

Then he proceeded to gently lecture me on how it's okay to be open and honest and not hide who you are because in doing so he said you'll start to act "weird".

Oh really? I thought. Isn't it him who is acting weird?

To clarify, I'm older than this guy and much wiser. I'm a confident, well adjusted gay man who knows who he is. I was smiling as he was trying to "counsel" me and reassure me as if he felt I needed it.

Fast forward a few days later he calls me again out of the blue to chat. Our conversation made its way to sexual orientation.

"So, you're bisexual, you said, right?" I asked.

He replied: "No, I'm not bisexual. I'm me. I'm who I am. I don't put labels on myself. I like what I like."

At this point he's really confused me.

"So, If someone asked you - Are you gay? You'd say yes or no?"

In a nervous tone he replied:
"Oh, I would say NO!" I'm not gay!, No, absolutely not, I'm not gay"

"But you're sexually attracted to males!", I questioned.

Shudderingly he quipped:
"I mean, I don't put labels on myself, I am who I am"

"So if someone asked if you're bisexual you'd say, Yes?"

His voice shaking like a scared chipmunk he replied:

"Yes. No. I don't know. I mean. I'm neither. I mean, I am who I am. I don't put labels on myself. Hahahaha! "

At this point I am totally perplexed with this guy. At first he comes out to me as being bisexual, then denies it. I'm listening on the phone trying to figure out who and what this guy is and why he brought this conversation to pass in the first place. Why is he reaching out to me even though we were never close friends at all.

In an attempt to sincerely understand this guy, I asked him:

"So if you're sexually attracted to men, why did you decide to marry a woman instead of a man?"

Again, nervously he replied:

"Because, I prefer a woman's body, I guess. I have an amazing wife and an amazing life."

So at this point, I am dumbfounded.

Then, all of a sudden up rears the ugly head of his old habits as he interrupts me and says ...

"I gotta go! My wife is calling me!" CLICK! He hangs up the phone.

Wow! just wow. I was sitting there with the phone in my hand just dumbfounded.

As a side note, he also mentioned his premarital 20-something days of drug and alcohol induced clubbing and bisexual lifestyle. Also being invited by older gay men on yachts with sex, drugs and "beautiful men and women galore, he said.

In an attempt to analyze this guy and the situation that had transpired this is what I came up with:

It seems to me that he is a gay man but is deeply closeted about his same-sex attraction to anyone but his wife or other gay men. He decided to get married because his wife was okay with it and truthfully living as an open gay man would be too painful for him to admit. He's reaching out openly to other gay men, like me, because he knows deep inside that a part of his identity is truly gay but he lacks the courage to admit it. He prefers living a secret gay life cloaked by what he perceives to be a more societally accepted, non-judgmental heterosexual lifestyle. He is mistakenly confused by the long-time bond he has with his wife and who he truly is. Regarding his wife calling him a dozen times a day at work to check up on him now seems to makes sense. She is obviously aware of their premarital bisexual party days and his current male preferences and in some regards lacks trust.

Does that sound like a fair assessment? Am I wrong?

What's ironic is he claims to abhor "labels" on himself but forcefully questioned what my "label" is and began to counsel me that it's okay to admit openly to my "label".

Doesn't this all strike you as a bit odd?

Where I'm at now is whether or not to continue communication with this person. On the surface he appears to be nice and understanding. Although he is extremely self-involved with a rude habit of hanging up the phone the instant his wife calls and his obvious sexual insecurities. I also need to keep in mind that there are a lot of people who appear well on the surface but are living life with undiagnosed mental conditions.

Not sure if I should continue communication and friendship.

I reached out to gather opinions from close friends but I also thought it could help asking here as well.

What are your thoughts and opinions on this person and situation?

Thank you for your time.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 04:20 AM
  #2
Hi there. He’s a bit of a mixed bag.

I’m sorry for you that you didn’t feel comfortable coming out at work. Where I live sexual orientation isn’t an issue. Quite a few staff at my work are same sex oriented and everyone is cool with it.

Odd how he’s adamant to label you.

He sounds really confused himself. Your summary of him may be right but it may be wrong. Does he currently see men or not because he’s married?

Maybe that was a life he lived in the past but doesn’t want to call himself bisexual now because he’s not a practicing bisexual?
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 06:56 AM
  #3
If someone asked me a personal question......I might say.....why do you ask? Put it back on that person.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 09:50 AM
  #4
I am curious why you are spending so much time and energy analysing this guy's situation. He might not be a closeted gay. He may be pansexual etc. He clearly doesn't feel comfortable being put in a box and labelled. I don't understand your involvement and focus in trying to figure out the 'why' re this guy's orientation, lifestyle and his choices in life?! That is his stuff.

What is more relevant is whether you want to continue engaging with him or not.

His choices are his to make. His issues are his to disclose, or not. Let him figure his life out and not be so overly focused on analysing him. Likewise, you don't have to answer any of his personal questions if you do not wish to.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 12:25 PM
  #5
Excellent post Rive! Agree completely.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 01:16 PM
  #6
I would be really put off by someone asking me why I'm not married. Its super rude, even just of an oblivious ignorant kind. I also think some of the things he's said to you in conversation are odd and contradictory. Its understandable that you are put off. Whether or not to continue the communication, is up to you. Question though, why do you want to continue friendship with him despite this strange off putting conversation if you guys aren't close? Like what's the decision based on for you?
In terms of your speculation, I really don't know and you may never really know either. I think the main important thing is that he's off-putting to you, and you don't have to continue a friendship if you don't want to.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 01:18 PM
  #7
I agree with Rive, though I get the urge to analyse his behaviour. It seems to me you want to analyse his behaviour because of how intrusive he was about asking you? I’ve been asked why I’m not married before as well (usually by total strangers) - certainly it’s not other people’s business but it does throw you if it’s asked out of the blue, especially as some are still judgmental about single/unmarried people. Sometimes people are asking because they want to pick a fight.
All that said, he sounds insecure and confused, but it is his job to figure things out.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 04:18 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch View Post
Hi there. He’s a bit of a mixed bag.

I’m sorry for you that you didn’t feel comfortable coming out at work. Where I live sexual orientation isn’t an issue. Quite a few staff at my work are same sex oriented and everyone is cool with it.

Odd how he’s adamant to label you.

He sounds really confused himself. Your summary of him may be right but it may be wrong. Does he currently see men or not because he’s married?

Maybe that was a life he lived in the past but doesn’t want to call himself bisexual now because he’s not a practicing bisexual?
Thank you for your reply.

Does he currently see men or not because he’s married?

I'm not quite sure if he and/or his wife have liaisons. What is perplexing is within the first phone call he eluded to the fact they both do as he said in a nervous laughter:

"Um, well. I don't know. Probably yes. maybe. hahahahah!"

That is exactly how it said it - unsettled and unconfirmed unsure an insecure. I didn't even know what his reply meant.

but in the second call he said he would never cheat on his wife. So I really don't know where this guys head is at.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 05:40 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
I am curious why you are spending so much time and energy analysing this guy's situation. He might not be a closeted gay. He may be pansexual etc. He clearly doesn't feel comfortable being put in a box and labelled. I don't understand your involvement and focus in trying to figure out the 'why' re this guy's orientation, lifestyle and his choices in life?! That is his stuff.

What is more relevant is whether you want to continue engaging with him or not.

His choices are his to make. His issues are his to disclose, or not. Let him figure his life out and not be so overly focused on analysing him. Likewise, you don't have to answer any of his personal questions if you do not wish to.
Thank you Rive for your reply.

I think it's natural for anyone who has encouraged bizarre behavior from someone to get others perspective.

I pondered whether to even bother spending the time to reach out to others for friendly advice. It's just that the whole situation seems so bizarre that I needed to hear other's perspective.

I've never met anyone who shifts back and forth between sexual identities and personality like that. Remember at first he admitted he was gay and or bisexual then denied it, but insisted that I admit that I have a label. I honestly don't care about how he lives his life.

The bigger question that was weighting on my mind and what sparked this post - Is this an indication that he may have some sort of mental instability? Is it a sign to proceed with caution? I don't know.

But in any regard it's not as if I am going to lose sleep over it.

As a side note, after he abruptly hung up the phone to talk to his wife I sent a friendly greeting text message wishing him and his family a happy new year etc.

Nothing back. Not a word.

Courtesy and kindness are traits instilled upon me at a young age. I would never just hang up on someone to take another call. If I absolutely had too I would polity end the call and call the person back. So if someone reaches out to spark a friendship but yet but acts with aloofness and a sense of disregard it's disappointing and off-putting.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 06:05 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
I would be really put off by someone asking me why I'm not married. Its super rude, even just of an oblivious ignorant kind. I also think some of the things he's said to you in conversation are odd and contradictory. Its understandable that you are put off. Whether or not to continue the communication, is up to you. Question though, why do you want to continue friendship with him despite this strange off putting conversation if you guys aren't close? Like what's the decision based on for you?
In terms of your speculation, I really don't know and you may never really know either. I think the main important thing is that he's off-putting to you, and you don't have to continue a friendship if you don't want to.
Thank you WovenGalazy for your reply,

The only reason why I even thought about being receptive to his spark of friendship is that its always nice to have people in your life you accept you for who you are.

However regardless of that if those people are not treating you with respect than it doesn't matter - the disrespect negates the acceptance. Like for example, I would never hang up on someone in the middle of a conversation to talk another call.

As I mentioned to another commenter, the bigger question I had was if his behavior was a sign of some sort of mental instability or personality disorder? Such can be problematic for others involved especially if the person knows but pretends or denies the behavior.

Again, were not talking about an insecure child. He's a middle aged married man with kids who reached out to me to a spark a friendship, pressured me to come out of the closet, came out of the closet himself but was all over the map in terms of his admittance behaving as if he doesn't know who or what he is from conversation to conversation.

His problems are his. I was more curious to understand the why behind it all.

'm not going to lose sleep over it but it's nice to hear other peoples perspective.

Thanks again!
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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 01:43 AM
  #11
This is just my opinion- I am not gay just surrounded by open self loving gay friends and family. They have all told me at least one story of a coworker or aquaintance "thinking" they knew that my friend or family member was gay and boldly asking. And then following up with similar comments or conversations about how "open" their marriages were, how understanding they were and how they shrugged labels and wanted to be who they were. In each of those stories it was followed by direct or implied requests/invitations to fool around as if my friend or family member was there to help them figure things out or to have sex with and lead what they consider to be an acceptable lifestyle- or because they were curious. In these instances my friends and family members felt that they were being 'felt out' to see if they were waiting around for a date or sex partner. They felt like they were being judged purely for the sex that the'straight' person imagined they were having, and that they were part of a long buried fantasy. Aside from the rude question about marriage, gay or straight, etc. That is what these people in my life have shared with me.
AND- who's business is it whether anyone is married or has kids, is single, gay-whatever. We dont walk up to straight couples and ask why they are married. Dont get me started on people who think its fine to ask why someone doesnt have children. I say this as a married woman with three kids- asking isnt anyone's business.

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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 01:49 AM
  #12
I am inclined to agree with sarahsweets. It kind of sounds like this guy is sexually attracted to you and trying to judge your orientation and if you would be interested in an affair. If that is not something you want to do (probably a bad idea since he is married with kids), I wouldn't contact him again.
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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 05:27 AM
  #13
Totally agree with sarahsweets.

You should not be forced into telling people you're gay; it's your choice and your choice only. Then it's up to them to accept you (or not) for who you are, not who they think you should be.

I'm a straight, single female who's had to endure questioning about sexuality, ability to have children, not liking men, etc. An example, my toxic maternal grandmother told other family members I didn't like men. Cue one on one talk with my uncle, who very kindly suggested it wasn't a problem if I was gay. He was disgusted when finding out the truth and admonished my grandmother for being so nasty (waste of time!).

Stay away from this guy. He's either in need of help to address his situation, or he's playing you for self-gratification.
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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 06:50 AM
  #14
We may never get an answer why people do what they do. So trying to figure it out is usually a waste of time. All we can try to figure out is why WE do what we do. So I’d focus on that. Not sure why you’d want friendship with this guy. He sounds like bad news regardless of his sexual orientation. .

As about why he is asking all these weird things and why he contacted you even though you were never friendly, he is likely coming on to you. He is trying to pock around and see if you’d be interested as well. That’s why all the questions, otherwise he’d not care.

As about label of bisexual. Many do not like the label because some ignorant people assume that the person can never settle with one gender and will be cheating etc There’s a lot of negative assumptions about bisexuals coming from both gays and straight. Some people might be apprehensive about disclosing it to others. My daughter is bisexual, she had long term romantic cohabitating relationship with both genders and is now married to a man. She was never secretive about it and of course her husband knows and so do other people but I don’t know if she is screaming about it from the roof tops at work. And why should she? (I don’t know if she does, I just don’t know why it matters that people- besides your partners -must know one is bisexual. Who cares?)

I’d not be asking people why they marry one gender if they are attracted to the other. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you must be with both genders at all times. Perhaps he got weirder out by these questions the same way you were weirder out by his.

Regardless of his labels I’d likely move on and not look back.
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