Setting your boundaries

I used to be very pretty passive-aggressive so I’m pretty at setting boundaries in an assertive way.

Lately, I feel strong and I’m able to show up my real personality and follow openly my strong convictions without forgetting being flexible and open-minded but having very clear up to which point I’m about to take in.
Nonetheless, coming from what I come from that it’s exactly the other extreme, still I’m shocked by the responses I receive. For example: Some people disqualify you, putting labels on yourself that no way fit you. That is, judging you.

I’m curious as to know which kind of responses you received when you set limits in a relation.

It wouldn’t be fantastic the other person told you
something like: I understand it. I didn’t see it before. I’m gonna try to think about it. This all, at the very least.

If someone tells you your foot hurts is because it’s being stepped on.

I have implemented boundaries with my parents, and I was pleasantly surprised that they accepted them.

In a "friendship" when I tried to set boundaries, the other person responded with a mean text calling me the C word and telling me to kill myself. It was pretty clear that she doesn't respect boundaries, so I blocked her and have not spoken to her since.

Yes, sometimes people react in a positive way. It said so much about them and this is when you know that this person is worthy for you.

What you said about this person who disrespected you, I agree with you. It shows she cares more for her feelings than yours. Did you give her the opportunity to rectify and apologise? I would have done it but no more. Twice bite....

No, I didn't. I just blocked her. She had been using me anyway. I spent hours driving her around and over $1000 paying for her to stay in an extended stay hotel and for food for her. She was homeless, so I felt guilty. But she was not appreciative at all. Also, if she was a nicer person, her parents would let her live with one of them and then she wouldn't be homeless. But no one can stand to live with her.

It’s understandable what you did. You already knew where she’s coming from.
Good for you. 👍

I’ve found the people who react badly haven’t been told “no” enough while growing up, or they have a sense of entitlement that comes from another place. Either way, it is best to limit or break off communication with someone who gets angry if they can’t have everything their way, and tries to undermine the boundaries you try to enforce.

Yes, I agree.

I agree with you. In the second case you mention I see a damaged self-esteem plays a big role in the way we reacts. I myself felt many times triggered by people and my insecurities made me behaved badly and unfair to others.

I like this topic..... I was always able to be assertive if it was about something not personal. Business or just not a personal issue. But I had zero assertiveness or even awareness when it came to emotional, personal issues and needs.

So I've tried doing assertiveness there and I've had MANY experiences just like you describe it.

There's a few things I've figured out so far about it:

- A lot of people will not adjust to change immediately. You may need to tell them repeatedly over time a few times before they can adjust. It's an old and ingrained dynamics that needs to be changed, and the change often can only be done gradually.

- A lot of people will get pissed off too on top of it like you describe it. Some of these people can still be open to influence if you are able and willing to put in the time and energy for it.

- If they have an extreme response (this would be the minority), that most people do not do, then you will probably not be able to get heard by them.

All in all. Thing is IMO that most people don't have that high emotionally intelligence, just average (I don't either). So they will definitely need take time to understand the change. In my case the problem is also that if I don't feel spontaneously in the mood for it then I'm not able to get fired up emotionally enough to talk about my feelings so it's a plain request, even if polite, and it maybe has less chance to be heard and registered by the other person.

Example.... I've read this one. Someone wrote in a post somewhere that if her husband was to tell her to kiss him while not really showing any emotional expression, she would be horrified how controlled she would be feeling being told this thing to do. But if he was to tell her in a joking or flirting manner, I bet she would have no problem with being asked to kiss him.....

Beyond this too, I am still not sure if I am doing my change in assertiveness about personal issues right anyway. I probably have to learn more, have to get more flexible in my presentation and in dealing with other people's responses, and so on. Steep learning curve but hopefully worth it eventually.... with more experience and practice.

....Forgot to add:

Where I said, that they will definitely need take time to understand the change. And that means, they will need to put in some effort, energy investment to understand it. Not everyone may be able or willing to do that. Naturally, that's a signal for you to also not invest time and energy and effort in those relationships.

And then there is the usual advice; introduce natural - yet undesirable - consequences for important issues, if they ignore your request.

Also, when a lot of people will get pissed off too on top of it like you describe it. Keep it in mind that this is often just a temporary reaction before they adjust because you don't let yourself be influenced by their "push back". When it's not a big thing that would need more deep or longer discussion, most - normal - people will let you have your fair say and influence in things after that initial temporary reaction. They will forget fast about their initial annoyance

Of course if they are doing really crappy blame and stuff like that, that's too extreme and so it's the third (extreme) category of people.

Overall totally KUDOS to you for getting rid of passive aggressiveness. That's just really cool. Keep going and don't give up!

(I sometimes do feel like throwing in the towel, and telling myself relationships aren't worth this much work, but I'm going on anyway. Stupid me.)

Thank you very much for your insightful response. It’s full of common sense. I’m, like you, learning to be more assertive. This is a long road, I didn’t get it in a moment.
I also want to congratulate you for what you have achieve. 😀 👍

I've recently become more assertive too. Etcetera1's post is excellent.

I'm in my sixties and for many years have endured my mother's poor behaviour. Last year, I reacted and we're only now starting to rebuild the relationship. It will never be good; it wasn't before anyway.

To me, it took the pandemic and the advice of a new friend, to realise that I was not a doormat. However, it's harder to make improvements when dealing with family. There's a mental block because of being blood relatives.

The choice is clear. Do you go on being the subject of criticism/ridicule or change so that you assert who you are. In my case, another problem has been the lies told and incorrect assumptions made about who I am and what I'm doing. I'm a person in my own right and will not be trampled on by others who want to control.

Stay true to yourself and continue the good work

Yes, I subscribe your words, with family is harder to set boundaries because you grew up with them but I totally agree with you that you always have to stand for yourself because other way, your health is at risk and we have to keep our health fit for ourselves and for the ones who really care.

Just, last Christmas I had to put a stop to my brother after he screwed things with me. Nothing new on his part but this time, I made things clear once and for all. 👍

The only people I have issues setting boundaries with are my family, most notably my sister. With her, I am now at a critical point in our relationship. I moved back to my home town in 2020 and she has become increasingly demanding of my time, up to a point where now, I feel I don't have the energy for any other relationship anymore. Mind you, I mean she wants me to come over once or twice a week, but for my social barrometer, spending "quality time" with people every two weeks is the perfect amount, so perhaps she is not unreasonable, but it is unreasonable to me. And then she calls every few days to catch up. It is really annoying to me.

So I am starting to not answer her calls and then I actually forget that I should call back and when I remember that she called, I still don't call her back because I really don't want to. It's not terribly mature, I must say. I should really work out a schedule with her, but she has a habit of ignoring my wishes in this reagard, feeling that my needs are not normal or something, and in such not valid. Like me implementing a "normal" social schedule would somehow influence my nature in such a way that I would become a social butterfly when all it would do is make me feel hung over without having drunk a drop of alcohol.