Just left my husband- now what

So my husband was accusing me of cheating with several different people that dont exist including the neighbor. Accused me of making porns in our bedroom while he was out of town even when the kids were home. he would call me screaming at me and the kids (my step Children) telling me to get the men out of the house before he gets home. searching the house for "evidence" at all hours of the night keeping us up. Going through my phone. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. I am pretty sure he is has a narcissistic personality disorder. He is mentaly not stable and doesnt want to have normal conversations with out still accusing me. Finally i couldnt take it anymore. i left. a few days after i left, the kids went and stayed with their grandparents. he calls me about 40 times a days sometimes i have to block him. i was hoping that he would get help but it doesnt look like it. so now i have no idea what to do next. i have so much stuff still in the house we were together for 12 years married 7.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Can you ask the police to escort you while you get your things out of the house? I don't know if you could go back there alone.

I think blocking him completely is the best plan.

I’d not go back alone. Have police wit you. File for divorce. Block him. He is either a cheater himself (those often throw accusations around) or suffers from paranoia or is on drugs and it triggers paranoia. Or he simply wants to keep you scared.

These poor kids. You’ll be ok. Not sure about them, they might be better off elsewhere, not with him

Have the police go with you to get your things. Change your number. File for divorce.

THe kids will stay with their grandparents. not the best choice, but there is not much i can do there considering they are my step children. of course we wish we could be together but it doesnt look that way. Divorce has crossed my mind. i have explored the option already with a lawyer it just hurts how much money it is going to cost me to file. money i do not have. i will have to probably make 2 trips to the house with the cops to get my stuff out. and get a storage unit, yet more money to spend and save what ever is left that he hasnt smashed already.
i cant believe this is happening and my world got completely flipped upside down.
He doesnt even try to contact him kids. and when he cant get a hold of me on my phone he calls my parents house phone looking for me thinking i am not where i said i was.
He stopped paying all the bills and i cant afford to pay the ones that my name is on so there goes my credit.

Do you have access to women's services such as refuges, support centres.

These organizations can provide specialist support and advice. The police are great for dealing with protecting you immediately, but often don't have the knowledge or manpower to provide help in other areas.

Women's support organizations can provide practical assistance as well as emotional. I'm not sure what resources you have available. I've based my comments on what's available here in the UK.

First, are you in a safe place? It sounds like you are at your parents home and your basic needs are being met.
Second, call your local county human services hotline for domestic abuse. I apologize if that is difficult to hear, but what your husband has been doing and saying is domestic abuse. They can tell you about free and low cost resources for divorce advice and filing. Your profile says pittsburgh. The city may also have resources you can utilize.
Third, things can be replaced, but nothing can replace you. Report the abusive behaviors to the police if you haven't already. A restraining order may just be a piece of paper, but in a divorce case, it's evidentiary support for financial aid.
Forth, everyone needs a plan for the future. If you don't have an income, start looking for one. You said you were concerned about your credit. I suggest requesting a copy of your credit report. Then call your creditors. Start with mortgage if you have one, then car payment, then credit cards in your name only, then joint credit accounts with your husband. I called this credit triage when what has happened to you happened to me. These are the biggest 3 things that impact your credit.
Last, there are 2 aspects to divorce, the business side (legal things, money things, visitation with your step kids, etc) and the emotional side. Take care of yourself emotionally too.

I hope you get the support you need quickly. In my personal experience, the sooner you reach out to available resources, the sooner you will have answers.

Is the birth mother not in the picture? How old are your step children?

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart7 So my husband was accusing me of cheating with several different people that dont exist including the neighbor. Accused me of making porns in our bedroom while he was out of town even when the kids were home. he would call me screaming at me and the kids (my step Children) telling me to get the men out of the house before he gets home. searching the house for "evidence" at all hours of the night keeping us up. Going through my phone. He has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. I am pretty sure he is has a narcissistic personality disorder. He is mentaly not stable and doesnt want to have normal conversations with out still accusing me. Finally i couldnt take it anymore. i left. a few days after i left, the kids went and stayed with their grandparents. he calls me about 40 times a days sometimes i have to block him. i was hoping that he would get help but it doesnt look like it. so now i have no idea what to do next. i have so much stuff still in the house we were together for 12 years married 7.

Hey @brokenheart7: I may come off as harsh but I take these kinds of things very seriously. I forget exactly, but I believe it’s something like 65% of domestic violence issues, assaults, and even deaths occur in relationships that “only “ involved emotional abuse. These relationships are 37% more likely to involve persons with a mental illness. Illicit substances prescribed or abused, also accounted for something like 20% of DV and arrests.
Block everything but email. Call the police.

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Get protection, get your stuff, block all contact with him (restraining order if need be), get support for yourself (peer or counselling) and start your life anew without an abuser in it.

If you're in the United States, then there are many domestic violence programs available to help you find shelter, relocate, get a low-cost divorce, get a restraining order/order of protection, and find counseling. If you have legal custody of children, you can get assistance with that, too - whether you want to keep the children in your custody or not.

If you're in another country, find out what local and national programs are offered.

Also, in the United States, if you are a victim of a crime, you can contact your local Victim's Advocate or Victims Rights center, which is connected with Criminal Justice. They also offer compensation to victims, regardless if your victimization has been substantiated in a court of law (in most cases). But you will need to file a criminal report with local law enforcement to do so. A domestic violence agency could help you with that process, too.

It sounds like your husband has an insecure attachment disorder of some kind - perhaps of the disorganized kind, and that maybe he is also leaning toward paranoid personality (accusing you of cheating when you're not). He could also have a narcissistic personality, too. Only a therapist could truly diagnose those things, but your description of him sounds like it will escalate into him demanding more things from you to the point where emotional abuse turns into physical and/or sexual abuse, including possible life-threatening verbal abuse and attacks. You truly need to find help through a domestic violence agency because, as statistics show, if you try to do this on your own or even with the assistance of family, the victims of such abusive relationship often wind up murdered - especially if the police are called without you having support to remove your belongings. In most of these kinds of fatalities, however, the victims almost always return to their abuser the moment they are released from jail. Most abusers are jailed, not imprisoned, which means that their sentences are short (ranging from a few days to a few months). Some get out without your knowledge. If a criminal charge is filed once you've moved out, the filer may not be aware that there are certain protections that can hide your new location, especially if going through custody battles, divorce battles, etc. You will need further assistance to ensure that he doesn't know where you live once you move out, even if you haven't dealt with divorce and custody issues yet. This is where domestic violence agencies can help, and where laypeople (like those of us online here, who are well-meaning, but not trained in specific domestic violence trauma, can really save your life and prevent fatalities). People like him are possessive and potentially fatally dangerous. You need to get out as soon as possible, and you need to make sure that you clear your phone's and laptop's/computer's cookies so that he doesn't find out about your posting here. There are many things you need to do to protect yourself.

You also don't want to be criminally or otherwise civilly liable for your children's endangerment, should you choose to leave him. Many female victims of domestic violence have been charged with child endangerment when not protecting their children from their abusive paramour or spouse. Sadly, while unfair, given that females are often victims and can barely defend themselves, let alone their children, the women get punished more than the abusive men in such cases. Domestic violence professionals will be able to help you deal with the legalities of that, too. That way, you won't be charged as a perpetrator yourself and face having at minimum a record that will prevent you from getting certain jobs in the future (which some abusers will use to their advantage as a form of their "revenge" on you for leaving them), or at worst jail or prison time. It depends on the jurisdiction and your country's laws.

Get help from a local and/or national domestic violence agency immediately before you make any decisions! They are the ones who can help you out of this mess safely.