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poshgirl
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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 07:25 AM
  #1
Would appreciate your views/advice on this please.

May seem a minor subject but given the history involved (my sister-in-law's behaviour), not sure which way to go.

My older niece (her daughter) has totally ignored two texts. One congratulating her on pregnancy, the other a thank-you for Christmas present. Back in August, I didn't get usual birthday card and present. Possible reason is I've stopped sending her son money for his birthday. He's 12, not a nice child and never once says thank you, so he only gets a card now.

Moving forward to Christmas, I sent them a card and presents (money). Boxing Day, my mother handed over gift from niece as she'd seen her on Christmas Day. It was a gift card for a well-known online shopping site. Can't help thinking it was done at the last minute because there was no Christmas card. My aunt is friendly with her, so I know that if I say anything, it will get back. This happened Christmas two years ago when I suddenly received a text two days after conversation!

It's niece's birthday end January and dilemma is do I send monetary gift or just the card? At the moment, I'm erring towards the latter. Don't want to appear as spiteful as she is.

Up until the sister-in-law problem, I regularly got birthday and Christmas cards, presents too. Even after. I also think it's something to do with what my mother has said.

I am retired, therefore have limited income. Maybe I should just use that as the reason, if ever asked. I realise this may seem trivial, but belonging to a manipulative family keeps you on your toes!
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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 12:44 PM
  #2
Wow. I am in a situation similar to that and don't know what to do either. Wish I had some good advice but I am still confused about my own situation and weighing the pros and cons are various future actions. Hopefully we will both find answers that will lead to the best possible outcomes!
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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 01:13 PM
  #3
Oh gosh that sounds really awkward and stressful!

Coming at it from my point of view, I can see there are benefits to just not sending gifts to extended family, especially if everyone is in agreement.

How do you feel about your niece generally, leaving aside your sister in law? Is she someone you are fond of or is this more of a social obligation?
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Default Jan 09, 2022 at 02:06 PM
  #4
Thanks both for your replies.

They are a large family, so drawing the line now is a good idea. They get a joint present for Christmas, plus a small gift for his two children and her son. Then there's the new baby due in March. The birthday presents started when my brother met her mother, long before the latest partner came on the scene.

She was difficult to get on with at the beginning, but has mellowed over the years. She now has a good standard of living but there's a certain degree of arrogance. There's a different moral compass for many things. We've been side-lined by my brother in favour of his new family (my mother's words). Yes, it's a social obligation.

Sending a card is more gentle/measured than just doing nothing as that would be viewed as spiteful. There will be a different version of the truth circulating anyway
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Default Jan 10, 2022 at 12:00 PM
  #5
Do what your heart tells you to do, not the head / logic or the 'should'. Follow your guts.
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Default Jan 10, 2022 at 02:18 PM
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Thanks Rive

My heart is saying just send a card. That shows I'm not the heartless person I'm portrayed to be. Leaving a door open for further communication.
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Default Jan 10, 2022 at 03:46 PM
  #7
It sounds like they’ll twist things no matter what, so I agree, just do what you feel is right. Most people would understand that retirement makes it hard to be as generous as you might like to be. And if they don’t, it’s not really your problem. You’re a person, not an ATM.
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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 02:01 AM
  #8
I think that a card is absolutely fine, especially if you are on a limited income. In my family, we don't really exchange gifts between extended family members (only very rarely.)

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Default Jan 11, 2022 at 04:28 AM
  #9
Thanks for all your advice.

I think it's a good time to stop. Good point that I'm not an ATM; I like that!

As I've said, I know lies have been told and will continue, but as the saying "what goes around comes around". I invariably find out because someone thinks they're being smart.

Even my niece's well-off aunt draws the line at gifts for all the family. She limits them to a small monetary amount and a block of chocolate, except for those closest to her.
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