In serious need of help about my long-term bf

I was detached, very detached for a very long time in our relationship. Then I finally made the decision to confront, face, everything, the negatives, the bad, everything.

I've made this decision a few times in the last 1 year or so. But not with my boyfriend before.

Whenever I made this decision before with other people or places, it usually ended up with me having to drop the person or group or place from my life.

And it's only been a few days but we had some horrible arguments already. And I know it's a risk, a liability, if this goes on.

He did stop taking his antidepressant temporarily because he ran out of them. He's back on them now, I don't know if that will help.

But so the problem is, if I face and confront things my anger is going to be not so well directed or controlled initially.

"Not so well directed or controlled".... Understatement really, I mean I do not allow myself to be truly destructive but it's still not well controlled and so it is a risk for the relationship.

Any advice, suggestions, tips, thoughts, similar experiences to relate to? Or just empathy and understanding so I can understand my own situation better?

I really want to process the past too of this bad quality, neglectful relationship. I would like to be able to be fun and have a sense of humour again around him and just make things cool but when I open up like that, it's no good.

Even though he likes it much, and then that makes me more open and start talking about some real issue that I would like his help or support about, he just has horrible lack of empathy then.

And then there is a real bad argument from that. With a truly bad issue in my life, I was honestly telling him what just happened and how often I have had a problem with this particular issue and how I'd like to do something about it. (It has to do with my disability so it is a sensitive topic too)

I wanted to hear some thoughts, advice, tips, suggestions, or just understanding, listening.

Then he got like horrible, saying "if it always happens to you then you're the one who got the problem", I got so upset, I wanted to get physical but of course I didn't.

So when I got so upset.... He tried to call me crazy and laughed in a **** way at me and said other stuff until I made him promise he will never call me crazy again. The next day he still tried to randomly insult me with another really demeaning word. And that was just nasty, that he'd go on like that next day. I avoided getting intimate with him in bed after that for a while. It was just that bad.

Then a few days later I tried to be extra kind with him once during another argument, because I wanted to really make it work with him, and he ignored it and he just went on being the same angry and antagonistic, and then I blew up terribly about that.

I blew up so much that he thought I was going to break his laptop even though I wasn't going to do that. We had a bad argument over this until I calmed him down. Yes he was very agitated next to being angry so at least he was not completely hostile and closed emotionally.

Then a couple days later he would berate me for long minutes because of how the toilet got blocked and then later the same day he blamed me about me getting stranded in the city in the evening (long story how that happened). He repeatedly blamed me for it. Not even a word of concern.

And I did not eat lunch or dinner because of the city stuff, and he would not help me get food so I had to go out myself at midnight and only a donut place was open so I ate 2 donuts for lunch and dinner. Then he still blamed me after that for all of it. At that point I had to vomit out my anger at him. I told him that is what I am doing and that I am not stopping until I feel ok.

He let me in the end so that helped, the toxin from all that is no longer inside me, but I don't see this going on forever without real damage either to the relationship or to me.

The risk is this....The past just makes me have this extra upset and extra hot anger when I try to confront things with him and to effect change. I can't tone it down to some level where I can just be assertive and only a bit angry. Not this extreme angry where I have to pour it out and vomit it out.

I will not get physically violent or trash his things or anything like that but this is still too emotional for me.

And then there is this thing too, if I ask him to do something for me for some little help, he automatically goes "No". I automatically go "Yes". I mean if HE asks me for MY help, I automatically say "Yes". I say "Yes" too fast even. But he automatically says "No" if I ask for his help or support. That was also what ended up in that argument with him thinking I wanted to break his laptop (I wasn't going to).

In these last few days I did also notice if he says immediately "No" and I say nothing in response then sometimes he will say "Yes" a minute later or offer a suggestion to help but usually it's not that nice either. Like the best case would be that I would remain silent if he says "No", I would have to deal with the pain and hurt inside and then maybe a minute later he changes his mind. Because if I do say something immediately then the "No" definitely remains a "No"....

Even if it's like such a small thing, a few days ago he was like going out to the shop to buy some food and I ask him to get me a small pack of toothpicks. And he says "No". I said nothing to that because f* it, it's just some toothpicks, and like I wanted to allow myself to be resigned. And then a minute later he changed his mind and he said OK he will get them for me. He came back and said the shop did not have them. Next day I go myself, and they DO have them of course.

He neglects really basic things too. He is poorly influenceable on the absolute basic things, he will give in and become "giving" if you try hard to get him to. But it's hard to get him to. It's like pulling teeth. Otherwise he neglects me in general. He never smiles at me anymore if he ever did in the beginning maybe. He is social with friends but not with me.

And it is stupid how starved I am for a smile. Or attention. Or laughing together, jokes together, go out and do things together, I don't know. He neglects me in social situations too and talks very social to other people fine.

But is so in love with me he wants to marry me and everything. What the heck does all that mean?

I currently think, what I will do is if he starts berating me again, going on a long tirade, or call me crazy or anything like that when I try to open up to him about an issue or if he simply blames me for some small everyday issue:

I will instantly slam the door in his face or if there is no door between us then I will just plain walk away. I cannot let him go on another tirade of accusations and blame about the smallest thing, I just cannot, it would be too much negative and I would have to vomit it out sooner or later. I'm already dealing with too much in my life.

He also brought up anger management classes when he thought I wanted to break his laptop, I told him I will go if he will go too with me. And couples therapy, sure. I'm happy to do all that. But I just want to understand WHAT is all THIS?

I blocked it all out before for YEARS and now it's too much AT ONCE to see and look at and face and confront. Absolutely need to make sure to keep my anger controlled about it all. I cannot go back to the detachment and numb stuff anymore. And while so angry that nothing else fits in my head, I need to figure out what the heck is even all this about? I don't believe this is just a random bad relationship. I don't know what it is.

It sounds painful. Do you have to stay with person? Sounds like one is better off alone than in this negative drama.

This is about verbal abuse and control. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. He is angry and insecure and needs to blame you...blaming and shaming.

I think he is in love with the idea of having you to abuse and control. If you marry him he will do even more abuse and control.

Why are you with him? How much thought have you given to moving on from him?

1. Do NOT marry this person.

2. Do NOT have children with this person.

3. There is nothing here to work with. Absolutely nothing. So go ahead and "confront" and you will find you'll need to drop him too, but honestly, it can only improve the quality of your life.

DO NOT confront him, or argue with him. That is what he wants, to have a never-ending argument with you. Abusers are emotional vampires....they want and NEED to keep you explaining yourself. It is a never ending cycle. It stops....when you stop engaging in the "crazy-making" conversations.

I agree, don’t marry or have children with him. It doesn’t sound like you have anything to work with. Is any of this relationship acceptable to you?
The thing about marriage… most men know that many/most women see it as a sign of their commitment/love - and for healthy couples, it is both those things, and more! But for abusers, it’s another tool to control others with. It is hard to accept people we love don’t always have our best interests at heart, which part of is why you’re confused about him offering marriage.
In any case, with him, marriage is a trap! Don’t fall in.

He shows no empathy, he insults you, calls you crazy... is "angry and antagonistic" towards you... refuses to help you

What are you getting out of this relationship??

You primarily describe him as and I wonder: why are you still with him?

Thank you so much for all the responses. It helps me feel supported. And it feels like I need that very much now.

I think I am trying to get more "oriented" here. I am not even sure how much of what I am experiencing is him changing, in response to my trying to confront things rather than block them out and shut down emotionally.

And also he has had a few changes in his life too, for example COVID home office made him depressed and negative, though that cannot be an excuse for anything, of course. He does function way better if he can go to the office to work and meet people. He developed a lot of strong anxiety and depression, anxiety about even going outside to the street for a while. He no longer has that anxiety, medication has helped, but he stopped taking the SSRI because he ran out of the pills and didn't bother to restart them until now.

He did open up to me for a very short time saying he feels everything is pointless when he decided to restart taking the pills (a couple days ago). But I don't know if that has anything to do with anything else, and is certainly no excuse for his behaviour.

And I just have a sense that he really may have been changing regardless for the worse.

So I said, I am trying to change the balance in the relationship, yes. I am just afraid that if I try too hard it could be too dangerous. So I am trying to just get a footing and understand more, as it's all just been shocking.

He might be willing to try couples therapy but I still feel a need to "orient" first here before trying that too. I don't want to be like, him talking over me if we go to a therapist, and then the therapist unintentionally believing him more than me.

And, I have been with him because the beginning seemed so nice. I don't mean love bombing, I don't think it was that, but it was emotional and spiritual, or at least how I felt. And we had some affection until these changes, and now I haven't seen any affection anymore.

I am trying to reconcile all the feelings.

And I will admit my other reason is that him seeming so serious about wanting to marry me also feels like love, so again I am trying to process through all these very contradictory feelings.

Also, I am trying very hard to understand his behaviour as I do not want to judge too fast or out of proportion about his whole person and character. But I do not want to be empathetic to the detriment of my own well-being.

What I am perhaps most trying to understand is why or how it is that he doesn't even smile at me anymore or respond if I try to initiate an interaction.

I will admit, all that does feel confusing emotionally.

And I am also so hung up on what it means that he automatically says "No" if I ask him for something, but I say "Yes" automatically.

So, all these things I am trying to understand.

Yes. That is part of why I am still here. I don't know if interacting more with him will help me process the past, if I try to confront some things that I did not before. Or if it would be too dangerous and not helpful to anyone.

The truly sad thing is that I might not be getting anything out of this relationship anymore, other than the very nice, loving, affectionate things in the past a long time ago.

If he really changed, especially if the change is a response to me trying to change things to be more fair in the relationship. Then I am just holding on to those really meaningful moments of initial connection in the past.

And my original image of him, where he was more affectionate, reasonable seeming, a sense of some trust... If all this is just the past and if I am just holding to the past... That is what would be truly sad. It is not something I'd be able to process for now.

I sincerely hope that my post has made some sense.

Thank you - and everyone else again - for the very definite suggestions. Could you help me understand this a bit more? What primarily makes you say there is absolutely nothing to work with here?

Because of his attitude to my needing support about my disability issues?

When I said that he's poorly influenceable, I meant that if I get extremely emotional (not attacking him or defending myself from his attack, but just really emotionally upset), then I can sometimes get it through to him what it is that I need. He will register it then, apologise, or actually goes and does something where his help and support is very important for me. This happens rarely though because it is hard for me to get that emotional to get him to register my need. So I only do that for very important issues, like once a year.

At least this is how it was before things seemed to change for the worse recently. I also had understood before that I need to make sure he does not get to feel like a "bad person" if I say something he takes in a negative light (innocent, not angry, not judgmental comments). If I reassured him of that a few times, he seemed more open to me for a while.

But then this change now is too much. I do not think me reassuring him would help anymore. And I am not sure if it is about me trying to confront and change things to be more fair in the relationship. I am not sure if I should just forget about trying to do that on my own and start working with couples therapy, but I do know I need to understand more here.

I also find it hard to make sense of it for now, if it's the relationship dynamics gone worse, or it's his person and character changing too or if he was always kind of like this, just less worse. I find it hard to find that line between an "average" bad, negative relationship and an outright abusive relationship.

I find it hard to see clearly as it's all been a lot of shock, and would very much appreciate input on this.

The one thing I do know for sure is I did NOT do anything that would have deserved the insults, especially as I was trying to ask for his help and support in finding some solutions where my disability is getting in the way. I am trying to be more proactive about my disability too, but it is much harder to do that without his support. So he insulted me repeatedly and even a day later he continued about it, after I tried to open up to him about my difficulties with finding a solution for obstacles with my disability.

That is another change I am making in my life, being more proactive about dealing with my disability and not wanting to be stuck in a passive avoidant attitude about it.

I agree, I do not want to argue with him if it starts turning into this bad. I didn't have the sense that he enjoyed drawing out these horrible arguments, it felt more like he wanted to manipulate me into feeling like crazy that I'd even want to talk about the disability issues. To manipulate me to get me to stop wanting to talk about it at all. And then the extra insult the next day felt like he was still trying to get at me for that argument. That is where I truly felt betrayed, because why bring it up the next day too.

So yes, I do not want another crazy-making conversation. That's for sure.

I just want to have a realistic perspective, not see him more evil than he is, or nicer than what he is. I do not want to become bitter about all relationships or to get traumatised more with this one.

I also don't know if I feel paranoid about how if I resign myself to him saying "No" immediately to a request for help, and then he changes his mind sometimes because he feels I submitted to him.

Could you say a bit more on how it can be a tool to control me? Like, ensuring I would stay with him longer, and he can get more out of me and drain me more? I know I have felt depressed and very low around him, but lately as I worked on myself, I have been able to keep up my vitality even when around him, and that is where I tried to start changing things and face conflict instead of shutting down, but that just simply ended up in these really bad arguments etc.

And yes, it is hard to accept, very hard for me. About if I love someone and they maybe do not actually care that much. I know I have been too committed to pay attention to him, while he hasn't reciprocated in kind with that.

The present is all you have and the everyday evidence of how he is treating you... or rather mistreating you.

It is definitely easier to leave a relationship and cut ties when you are not legally married. Obviously, divorce laws vary around the world but it can be a drawn out and expensive process in many cases.


If you have a child with him, you are most likely going to still have to deal with him on some level at least until the kid reaches adulthood and sometimes more related to issues like child support and visitation. I know that there are cases where a noncustodial parent signs away their parental rights, but that is rare.

Yeah I get you....I try to focus on the present too and then I feel really grounded and that is very nice but then I lose that grounding fast whenever I think about this relationship. This is why I'm trying to understand more about it all.

You don't need to understand anything about this relationship except the fact that you're being abused and need to leave. There is no why. There is nothing coming from that empty vessel you're having a relationship with.

Thanks. I apologise if this question sounds like frustrating to you but this is the kind of stuff that's always on my mind. So: Can I ask you (or anyone else) what you see as the worst part of the abuse or what convinces you it's truly abuse and not just an average relationship gone bad?

Please re-read your original post. You are being mistreated in many ways. It's not that deep. If you want to know "why" there is no why. There is no "worst" part, it is all bad.

Would you treat someone you love as you describe you are being treated in your original post? No. Break it off.

Easy – the way he makes you feel, insults and demeans you. You are, and feel, alone in the relationship.


In your own words:
* finally made the decision to confront, face, everything, the negatives, the bad

* [...] It’s only been a few days but we had some horrible arguments already [...] and I know it’s a risk

* I really want to process the past too of this bad quality, neglectful relationship

* when I open up, it’s no good

* [...] issue that I would like his help or support about. he just has horrible lack of empathy

* and then there is a real bad argument – esp. with issue relation to as you say “with my disability so it is a sensitive topic too”

* Then he got horrible, saying “if it always happens to you then you’re the one who got the problem”

* [...] when I got upset... He tried to call me crazy and laughed in a **** way at me and said other stuff

* The next day he still tried to randomly insult me with another really demeaning word [...] It was just that bad

* [...] a few days later I tried to be extra kind wit him [...] and he ignored it and he went on being the same angry and antagonistic

* Then a couple days later he would berate me for long minutes for a blocked toilet?! He repeatedly blamed me for it ... Not even a word of concern

* I did not eat lunch or dinner and he would not help me get food ... Then he blamed me

* If I ask him to do something for me [...] he automatically goes “No”

* I would have to deal with the pain and hurt inside

* Otherwise he neglects me in general

* He never smiles at me anymore ... He is social with friends but not with me

* And it is stupid how starved I am for a smile. Or attention. Or laughing together, joking together, go out and do things together... He neglects me in social situations too

* I cannot let him go on another tirade of accusations and blame about the smallest thing


This relationship seems mostly about lack of empathy, insults, anger and blame thrown at you, lack of communication, lack of care and respect, heaping abuse onto you... which you seem to be accepting as ‘normal’.

That is not an average relationship gone bad.

Thanks again for your answer. I was asking about the "what" rather than the "why", BTW. You are right, I wouldn't treat someone I'm in love with like that.

The idea I had in mind was whether I can control the anger and then assert myself on things in the most effective way possible, and see if he's able to be influenceable, and if not, then of course, bye bye.

Either doing it on my own, or with a counsellor, or couples therapist.

But in your opinion / everyone else's opinion, would this attempt be completely unrealistic? And if so, what would make you think so?

Thanks much for all the examples.

Also that helped me think and yes, I've now been able to see finally what's new and an actual change regardless of me confronting things or not.

Here's a list of those changes.

In the past:

1. He didn't call me crazy like this (once a long time ago but that is a long story. He wasn't fully awake when he said that). He did not laugh at me like this **** now. Let alone repeatedly.

2. He didn't try to do a demeaning insult even the next day after the original conflict. I mean, being called crazy is already a very bad insult, if you were going to try to be open about a sensitive issue. But that demeaning insult is on a whole another level (I do not even want to quote it).

3. So again, it's a change that now he would draw this conflict out like this. The arguments themselves do not last like extremely long at a time but..... He'd hold on to his ****** negative attitude the next day too. Instead, in the past conflicts used to be like, we'd argue heated, but without personal attacks, and no one got to feel bad about the arguing, we'd end up at some conclusion after like a few minutes or for more emotional issues up to 1 hour of arguing, and afterwards we'd forget it all fast and it was OK. These felt like normal arguments for a relationship of two people who both have a Choleric streak.

4. In the past, he did not ever go on long tirades or diatribes about things like blocked toilets (you fix them like in a few seconds) or other small things. He would snap but then forget the annoyance in the next second. Or if he was rude to me, it was for a short time and then if I asked him not to, he was more receptive to it, not very receptive but, it was better, he's totally not receptive now.

5. He did not try to say I am the problem or something's wrong with me. The first time he did that, last autumn, I did snap back at him right away and he backed off. But now if I snap at him, he will continue going at it.

6. He did not try to claim that if I talk to him then that's just "annoying questions". This was actually the first change I noticed last year. Even before I tried to do any of the confronting. And it felt somehow really disturbing to me, I can't explain how or why.

7. He did still show some love, affection last autumn, no, not alot, but he did still seem himself, though also kind of pushy for marriage more than before.

8. When I tried to show the white flag and was being kind to him in the middle of an argument, he ignored it; In the past he used to be able to show a white flag HIMSELF. (Which did make me feel loved and like I could trust him a bit, even if he did usually neglect me a lot.) This is no longer there, and ignores mine on top of that.

9. When I got lost once years ago in another city, he did snap about having to pay 20 pounds for the taxi, but then the next moment he was calm and fine again. He was worried to death back then (next to being angry about the cost) and now not a word of concern when this happened a few days ago. Ironically, a few years ago it was more my "fault" than now, because I did take a risk, with going out. I did not take a risk like that now, yet he blamed me bad for it all, and at length.

10. When I was very tired or feeling sick in the past, he'd gladly get me food. Not this time.

11. In the past I wasn't always automatically saying "Yes" myself, and he could say "Yes" too sometimes, it was closer to equal than now.

12. We did not meet for a while due to COVID and that was when he got depressed (us not meeting and him being forced into home office), but he still seemed his usual self when talking online.

13. He started showing these first changes only after he got some big success in his life last year and he started feeling really great about that and like a bit mad too. (OK, maybe when depressed in home office, he was sometimes getting at me a bit but not as extreme as these incidents now)

...

So I can't even say that I am being too negative or something and can't put this on myself, and can't fix it like that.

The big success thing happened a bit before the autumn.

What is unchanged is he did neglect me in the past too, not much smiles or attention at me. But we'd spend time together sometimes watching movies or something.

This last autumn, when we both ended up relaxing into watching TV at night, I was like oooh finally we are relaxing and nice together (I was really overworked for a while before it). But he got very strange about it. I don't know if that would make sense to anyone but because of what was on TV, he brought up some old jealousy issue of his, in a crazily manipulative way. I was first almost disoriented but then I got pissed off and would not tolerate it and he came to his senses then.

We were also going to finally go buy a flat together but he kept putting off appointments with real estate agents, last autumn.

He had this moment where he tried to force me to say how I love him in a very special way. That was also in the autumn. He did not try to force me like that before.

His socialising with others but not with me if I was in the group too has been like this for ages.

My starving for the smile, eye contact, attention, that's been like that for ages too. But I blocked it out as it was too much and was emotionally shut down.

Yes. I don't understand what the change is. It probably wasn't just an average relationship before either but he was way more passive with his neglecting me. Say, passive aggressive, too, but not all this stuff I listed above.

Does that give you or anyone else any thoughts?

Show your love in a special way? Uh - sexually? Is this guy closeted?

In general, it seems like he keeps telling you to get lost, but you just dont hear it. Eventually yes you can wear people down - ive done it. It doesnt end well. Get out. You are not really in, after all.