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NatalieJastrow
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Default Jan 14, 2022 at 08:28 AM
  #1
I have a really good co worker friend. We have established a habit of calling each other at 5 PM and complaining about the day.

About 6 months ago I thought it was getting out of hand so I didn't answer her call... she didn't get the message. She called like every 10 minutes... So I said I had left the phone in my car. But that made me feel like I better pick up from now on.

And also, she is only so into me because her former best friend and her had a fight and now...her former best friend won't speak to her. That person, imho, just got sick of her not doing her work... (and thus a lot of it was pawned off on her)

Also it is turning into a *her her her* conversation.

Ultimately she is imho not the best worker and she has burned many bridges.. imho she is lucky to have a job, but of course I can't say that. The constant pretending that she is the burned party is starting to get on my nerves. IMHO her sense of entitlement is pretty high. For instance she really only has a job because management made one for her... and they took some of her job duties away and gave them to someone else... and continues to insist that was a bad thing and also, that they should have talked to her first...

No, no. Job duty decisions are at the discretion of management.

I think what is really at the issue is that they are winding up to give her some of the worst job duties they have.... but, she has to expect that... she was basically fired from her job and they created a new position to keep her working there.

Anyway I am growing tired of talking to her but ... she is basically my last friend. I think we are hitting that point where we might start fighting with each other if she doesn't stop talking to me on her own.. but somehow she doesn't seem to get the hint that she should probably only call me 1x per week. I think we do better when we aren't constantly talking about the same stuff.

I am trying in a nice way to encourage her to stop it... such as picking up and talking for a bit and then saying I have to go... but still she calls.. last week she called on a Saturday night.. which - prior to, she seemed to know was off limits.
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Default Jan 14, 2022 at 11:19 AM
  #2
Can you tell her directly you want to talk only 1x a week?
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Default Jan 14, 2022 at 05:10 PM
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Just tell her you can’t talk as you have other stuff to do. When she calls, text back that you can’t talk and will talk tomorrow or Friday erc who can talk to coworkers every day?
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Default Jan 14, 2022 at 07:02 PM
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You dont have to answer the phone on saturday night, or anytime over the weekend, or any evening, actually. You are getting your groove on!
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Default Jan 14, 2022 at 07:10 PM
  #5
Be nice but direct. Tell her you are weary of the negative talk and want a break from it. People like that don’t usually respect or respond to “hints”.

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Default Jan 15, 2022 at 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
Can you tell her directly you want to talk only 1x a week?
I fear this will be interpreted as me not liking her and I will lose a friend.

BTW she called last night too to talk about what she wanted to talk about and then had to go.
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Default Jan 15, 2022 at 08:17 AM
  #7
I understand. And who is to say she won't interpret it like that? At the same time, your own needs of the frequency and duration you guys spend together has changed, which is okay, and normal. I like some of the other posters' responses too...you don't have to pick up the phone when she calls. You can text her and say "I will call you tmrw" or some variation. If you are direct, or somewhat direct, you don't have to give the real reason for wanting to lessen your guys time together. Though I say...keep it kind and gentle, if you are wanting to keep the friendship. I also think its not your responsibility how she interprets it. But I understand fearing losing her. If you choose the direct route, you can tell her you value her friendship - But that things have shifted for you a bit and you are spending more time doing x instead. Not sure how that lands for you? You can also just not pick up the phone, like another person suggested.
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Default Jan 15, 2022 at 09:48 AM
  #8
What about actually saying to her: "I don't want to focus on this negativity anymore in our calls. It's not good for my stress levels. Happy to talk about other things, but I can't talk about work anymore for my own mental health."

Or something to that effect? I have had to say that to friend/co-workers before (something nice and polite to that effect) to cut off ranting/venting.

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Default Jan 15, 2022 at 06:39 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
Or something to that effect? I have had to say that to friend/co-workers before (something nice and polite to that effect) to cut off ranting/venting.
We are very similar and if that was said to me I would never talk to the person who said it again. No matter how polite. Knowing her I don't think I can actually say it.
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Default Jan 16, 2022 at 05:41 AM
  #10
Are you afraid that she will vent to someone else about you, because you've terminated the "friendship"?

She sounds like the type who will just move on to her next victim. In my last job, I sat opposite two girls who spent most of their time gossiping, only for it to continue on the phone every evening. I call them girls because despite both being married with children, that's just how they behaved. The one was also dangerous.

Yes, there are tactful ways to deal with her. Go through the stages rather than just cut her off immediately. If that's not working, it's up to you whether you want to incur wrath from her or continue to be tied to this arrangement. She's not interested in you, you're just someone to vent to
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Default Jan 24, 2022 at 08:29 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by NatalieJastrow View Post
I have a really good co worker friend. We have established a habit of calling each other at 5 PM and complaining about the day.

About 6 months ago I thought it was getting out of hand so I didn't answer her call... she didn't get the message. She called like every 10 minutes... So I said I had left the phone in my car. But that made me feel like I better pick up from now on.

And also, she is only so into me because her former best friend and her had a fight and now...her former best friend won't speak to her. That person, imho, just got sick of her not doing her work... (and thus a lot of it was pawned off on her)

Also it is turning into a *her her her* conversation.

Ultimately she is imho not the best worker and she has burned many bridges.. imho she is lucky to have a job, but of course I can't say that. The constant pretending that she is the burned party is starting to get on my nerves. IMHO her sense of entitlement is pretty high. For instance she really only has a job because management made one for her... and they took some of her job duties away and gave them to someone else... and continues to insist that was a bad thing and also, that they should have talked to her first...

No, no. Job duty decisions are at the discretion of management.

I think what is really at the issue is that they are winding up to give her some of the worst job duties they have.... but, she has to expect that... she was basically fired from her job and they created a new position to keep her working there.

Anyway I am growing tired of talking to her but ... she is basically my last friend. I think we are hitting that point where we might start fighting with each other if she doesn't stop talking to me on her own.. but somehow she doesn't seem to get the hint that she should probably only call me 1x per week. I think we do better when we aren't constantly talking about the same stuff.

I am trying in a nice way to encourage her to stop it... such as picking up and talking for a bit and then saying I have to go... but still she calls.. last week she called on a Saturday night.. which - prior to, she seemed to know was off limits.
Sounds like she’s overstepping boundaries, also her behavior is very inappropriate and unprofessional. I know how draining it is to have a coworker constantly complain about the job, I have a coworker that does the same thing, she acts like she knows how to perform the job duties better than others, yet she refuses to leave and find another job since she constantly talks about how much she hates it. You should tell your coworker upfront that you want the behavior to stop, some people just can’t take the hint and need to be told straight up that their behavior is unacceptable and redraw the boundary lines.
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Default Jan 24, 2022 at 08:31 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Just tell her you can’t talk as you have other stuff to do. When she calls, text back that you can’t talk and will talk tomorrow or Friday erc who can talk to coworkers every day?
My thoughts exactly.
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 06:35 AM
  #13
So I knew it was going to end up happening but I think we had a weird interaction that she took as rejection. Probably have lost a friend.

Her good friend of 20+ years (who is no longer talking to her) retired and she went to the party. Something I find foolish. And a few good stories came out of it that she wanted to tell me. But, when she called, I couldn't concentrate because I had just discovered a problem in my immediate surroundings. I let her get it off her chest but when I wasn't as forthcoming as usual she was disappointed. I apologized and told her that I was having a momentary issue that occured once I got on the phone...

But she went on anyway.

As I was sitting there mostly being quiet it really struck me and how she just might be wrong on everything she thinks and maybe I am not helping her... and a lot of times she doesn't listen to me.

She has this issue at work that she is literally stuck on and she wants to go complain about it... but she is way off base and she started up again last night and I told her not to do it.. but I think she is going to do it. She is totally in the wrong. She was basically fired and management was nice enough to not fire her and make up a job for her... and now that they gave the job aspects that she liked best to someone else.... she thinks somehow that was "her job" -- um... no your job is what management tells you to do. She goes on about how she made that job what it is .. no she didn't. (maybe that is why they gave the job to someone else -- cause you weren't doing it right?) Then she went on about being the most qualified for the position, what? First since when has the most qualified ever gotten the job? But the person they gave the tasks too is arguably more qualified. Finally she has a JOB. She is currently temping in a full time position -- and that isn't up until the summer. So, who knows what will happen when she is done with that... they could give her a promotion.. so she can't complain until she is actually out of a job or has a materially damaged job.

Now that she had a negative interaction with me I think I will not answer the phone...
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Default Jan 28, 2022 at 08:57 AM
  #14
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Originally Posted by NatalieJastrow View Post
So I knew it was going to end up happening but I think we had a weird interaction that she took as rejection. Probably have lost a friend.

Her good friend of 20+ years (who is no longer talking to her) retired and she went to the party. Something I find foolish. And a few good stories came out of it that she wanted to tell me. But, when she called, I couldn't concentrate because I had just discovered a problem in my immediate surroundings. I let her get it off her chest but when I wasn't as forthcoming as usual she was disappointed. I apologized and told her that I was having a momentary issue that occured once I got on the phone...

But she went on anyway.

As I was sitting there mostly being quiet it really struck me and how she just might be wrong on everything she thinks and maybe I am not helping her... and a lot of times she doesn't listen to me.

She has this issue at work that she is literally stuck on and she wants to go complain about it... but she is way off base and she started up again last night and I told her not to do it.. but I think she is going to do it. She is totally in the wrong. She was basically fired and management was nice enough to not fire her and make up a job for her... and now that they gave the job aspects that she liked best to someone else.... she thinks somehow that was "her job" -- um... no your job is what management tells you to do. She goes on about how she made that job what it is .. no she didn't. (maybe that is why they gave the job to someone else -- cause you weren't doing it right?) Then she went on about being the most qualified for the position, what? First since when has the most qualified ever gotten the job? But the person they gave the tasks too is arguably more qualified. Finally she has a JOB. She is currently temping in a full time position -- and that isn't up until the summer. So, who knows what will happen when she is done with that... they could give her a promotion.. so she can't complain until she is actually out of a job or has a materially damaged job.

Now that she had a negative interaction with me I think I will not answer the phone...
Sounds like she only cares about herself, the fact that she ignored what you said about having a problem speaks volumes. At the very least, she could have asked if you were okay. She is way too self absorbed in her own problems, also assuming she has a job and can do what she wants. You are right that management decides what your job is and she clearly can’t grasp that, I would drop all contact with her unless you absolutely have to for a work related reason.
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