advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-16-2022, 12:46 PM   #21
lovethesun
Member
lovethesun has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 270
5 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
@lovethesun I just read through all the thread, and like many others, I was perplexed at the intensity of your anger at your brother UNTIL you let us in on the recent holiday lunch where your brother stated an expectation that seems to be a double standard. Considering his comments, I can understand how you would be upset that he isn't coming, but I would guess to say that the intensity of your anger comes from the double standard he presents, not his actual absence. He expects you and your husband to drop everything and prioritize family events that he plans, but he does not have to change anything to accommodate the events you plan. And, while your anger is justified either way because how you feel is how you feel, I think all of us can relate to feeling that anger from a double standard.

And I can totally relate because my brother plays these double standard games all the time too, which is just one reason why I no longer have a relationship with him.

I agree with others who said don't let his attitude spoil your day or your daughter's day. The people who really care will be there. And that's who you really want there anyhow.
BINGO! You hit the nail on the head seesaw! It's the double standard!! I'll go so far as to say that I've been afraid to not attend an event my brother plans because I know he'd get mad. And that's just birthday parties and random summer time cookouts. Imagine if it were his daughter graduating high school.....he'd expect everyone including the Pope to be there! Yet he can be so dismissive and say "sorry, we have a beach house booked". Then he's changed the subject and has sent communications since this acting like none of this is an issue. Grrrrr.......
lovethesun is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 01-16-2022, 12:49 PM   #22
lovethesun
Member
lovethesun has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 270
5 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I wonder if he genuinely wants to come and actually regrets that he can't....has he avoided events of yours, or demonstrated a double standard, consistently in the past? You seem not only angry but surprised that he cannot attend.
YES!!! He has avoided events in the past at my house, at my sister's house and at my mom's house. He may regret not being able to come, but it doesn't show.
lovethesun is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-16-2022, 12:51 PM   #23
lovethesun
Member
lovethesun has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 270
5 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul View Post
I truly understand why you are upset about this.Yep ,your brother knows your daughter will graduate this year.But he made his plans with his family.And that is his decision.Others have given you good advises. Let his absence not ruin the joy of your daughter's accomplishment. Enjoy the event.Sometimes relationship with FOO is complicated.My sibling s kid graduated in 2021.I was planning a lot for the event and was in much euphoria for the occasion .I was expecting the invitation with out a doubt as I was close to the kids and babysat them whenever possible.I never got invited.I later knew through my parents that graduation was over.I was really upset and felt used.(my sibling would always tell me how her kids adore me and wanted to spend time with me and would drop them at my place for a week or so)Now I have introspected my entire relationship with them.I was never invited over for any birthdays,anniversaries. They were only missing me when either they are sick or parents have a date night or have a vacation but parents are busy working.None of them have any heart felt connection with me in the same way I do.I was used for their needs.It was not reciprocal and mutual.Ya good idea to lower our expectations.And congratulations to your daughter.
Wow!! I'm so sorry they treated you that way. There is nothing more egregious than someone using you and taking advantage of your kindness, especially when it's family who should know better.
lovethesun is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-16-2022, 12:59 PM   #24
lovethesun
Member
lovethesun has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 270
5 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by poshgirl View Post
Your brother is certainly displaying double standards, but it's not unusual. Siblings can be the worst for recognising the value of family relationships.

Relating to my own experiences, has he always been like that or has it happened when he got married (for instance). My brother changed when he married for the second time. She controls and tries that behaviour on family too. For ages, he couldn't be bothered to do jobs for our mother, because he was too busy helping his in-laws.

He recently told me to wind my neck in when I contested something he said about me. I know where the comment had originated but this made me more wary of him. Unfortunately, he's adopted the attitude of both his wife and stepdaughter, who think you should tolerate unacceptable behaviour because of everything they've done for you. What they've conveniently forgotten is time spent packing up for their move while new niece was in hospital, then helping with decorating in new house (amongst other things).

Sorry I've taken over this thread but wanted to give you an example of that type of behaviour. If your brother feels it's more important to take a holiday, then that's his choice. It would be better if you don't react. Just because he's your brother, it doesn't mean you have to behave in the same way!

Enjoy your daughter's graduation and take pride in her achievements.
you bring up a good point poshgirl. My brother is married to a very toxic person. His wife is a witch and I'm convinced she has a forked tongue. She has caused my brother's personality to change, and his relationship with me, my sister and my mother has changed alot too. My dad was handicapped from a stroke for several years, my brother had to be forced to come up just to cut my dad's hair. After my dad passed away, my mom needed help as a widow. My brother hardly ever came. It was always my husband or my sister's husband that helped her. My mom developed a terrible alcohol addiction (I posted about it here) and my brother NEVER helped! Not even once! He lives 3 blocks away from the detox center I had to put my mom in. I live 40 minutes away from it. My brother would not pick her up the day she was discharged. My husband and I had to leave work and drive 40 minutes to go pick her up. My brother's wife does not like us. So that's definitely part of the problem. But if my brother and his wife expect all of us to attend their events, then he needs to afford the same consideration to us when we plan something.
lovethesun is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 01-16-2022, 01:03 PM   #25
lovethesun
Member
lovethesun has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 270
5 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by Molinit View Post
Your brother made his plans before you notified him you wished him to attend. If I had made plans like that and my nephew then announced something he wanted me to attend, I would respond as your brother has.

Let it go.
Only one problem Molinit. My brother has known my daughter was a senior in high school for many months. So why did he not think about her graduation? This isn't some random family picnic that I planned out of the blue. But as you said, I will "let it go". And I walk away from this enlightened as to how to treat my brother and his planned events going forward. At the end of the day, I only want people who care and want to be there to attend. The rest can pound sand.
lovethesun is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-16-2022, 03:31 PM   #26
Mendingmysoul
Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 457
2 yr Member
628 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Yep,this kind of double standards result in our enlightenment and we introspect our relationships As we can't change others,we change and reevaluate ourselves. I did the same.I would like to give you a heads up.When we change our behaviour towards them,they immediately recognise it and rather than dwelling on or introspect what might have caused the change or if they might have contributed to it,they get passive aggressive. They have developed ..I would like to say..an addiction towards our niceness,that they get withdrawal symptoms, when they do not get the same treatment from us anymore.They never see their fault in this.They will react in a way with an underlined message....How dare you to make changes???
This happened to me.After not getting the invitation and then them not sharing the news that kid got accepted into a good college( I heard this from other resources anyways),I started to try not to bend over backwards for them.I politely rejected their proposal that they would like to come and stay for a week .It was the first time I ever said ..no.. to them in my entire life.And they turned passive aggressive.After saying no to them I waited to see if they ask me if some thing is going on with me.Maybe I am sick and can't take guests right now.There are so many possibilities, right???But they never asked the reason.They simply do not care.There reactions and behaviours have reinforced my thoughts...that this relationship was never reciprocal. For them it was never personal. It was for me always and they just took a free ride and enjoyed it as long as it lasted.They never cared enough to nurture the relationship.Once they realised I am onto them,they just dropped me like a hot potato.The first time I tried to put a boundary,their mask dropped.I wonder what happened to all that praise and adoration when they wanted something from me.LOL.I just wanted to share my experience, so that you will be prepared in case that happens. Sorry for the long post.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 01-17-2022, 01:57 AM   #27
Molinit
Veteran Member
Molinit has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 564
5 yr Member
34 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovethesun View Post
Only one problem Molinit. My brother has known my daughter was a senior in high school for many months. So why did he not think about her graduation? This isn't some random family picnic that I planned out of the blue. But as you said, I will "let it go". And I walk away from this enlightened as to how to treat my brother and his planned events going forward. At the end of the day, I only want people who care and want to be there to attend. The rest can pound sand.
I donít know anyone except immediate family that plans for a high school graduation. Iím glad youíre moving on from it and heíll have plenty of sand to pound at the beach house.
Molinit is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-17-2022, 07:37 AM   #28
poshgirl
Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 450
3 yr Member
117 hugs
given
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovethesun View Post
you bring up a good point poshgirl. My brother is married to a very toxic person. His wife is a witch and I'm convinced she has a forked tongue. She has caused my brother's personality to change, and his relationship with me, my sister and my mother has changed alot too. My dad was handicapped from a stroke for several years, my brother had to be forced to come up just to cut my dad's hair. After my dad passed away, my mom needed help as a widow. My brother hardly ever came. It was always my husband or my sister's husband that helped her. My mom developed a terrible alcohol addiction (I posted about it here) and my brother NEVER helped! Not even once! He lives 3 blocks away from the detox center I had to put my mom in. I live 40 minutes away from it. My brother would not pick her up the day she was discharged. My husband and I had to leave work and drive 40 minutes to go pick her up. My brother's wife does not like us. So that's definitely part of the problem. But if my brother and his wife expect all of us to attend their events, then he needs to afford the same consideration to us when we plan something.
This is so familiar! My brother has always been mother's favourite and now he's where she wants him to be. Having experienced her unacceptable behaviour, I distanced myself. Won't go into detail but he's had to do a lot more for her. His wife has made derogatory comments about my mother and aunt. I only recently repeated them to my aunt. Waste of time with mother as I'd be to blame as the messenger. Although they have to take holidays outside of term time, he's never once asked if I had any plans. It's just assumed I'll fit in with everything they do. After all, "they've done so much for me".

Now I don't get invited to anything to do with them, he has to do a 10+-mile round trip to ensure mother gets there. He's had to rethink his drinking habits too. The arrogance is unbelievable.

Your course of action now is the best. You're showing that you can rise above their behaviour. One day he could need your help....
poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 01-17-2022, 09:35 AM   #29
seesaw
Human
 
seesaw's Avatar
seesaw grieving
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,056 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,118 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Family not acting like family

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovethesun View Post
BINGO! You hit the nail on the head seesaw! It's the double standard!! I'll go so far as to say that I've been afraid to not attend an event my brother plans because I know he'd get mad. And that's just birthday parties and random summer time cookouts. Imagine if it were his daughter graduating high school.....he'd expect everyone including the Pope to be there! Yet he can be so dismissive and say "sorry, we have a beach house booked". Then he's changed the subject and has sent communications since this acting like none of this is an issue. Grrrrr.......
I suspect your FOO has a lot of bad habits like mine does: sending mixed messages about how close we are, really toxic behaviors. LIKE when it suits them, acting like we're close and we should help each other/be there for each other (conveniently it is when THEY need OUR help), and then when it doesn't suit them acting like you're not close. It's very confusing for me because my family has this habit of ACTING like we're close - like you're supposed to go to these events no matter what - but when you actually need support or help, no one is around. It's just about making it LOOK like we're a close family, not actually BEING a close family.

Anyways, didn't mean to project my baggage on you, lol. I think you were right with your initial response: you have to just learn not to expect anything from him. AND I hope along with that you will not let his attitude or comments make you feel bad about anything you or your family need to do rather than make appearances at these events.
__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
seesaw is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-17-2022, 12:07 PM   #30
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,406 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
19.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Family not acting like family

When people show you the reality of who they are, BELIEVE THEM! They are not going to change.

You have shared your brothers pattern of behavior. Accept that at times he will disappoint you.

Last edited by Open Eyes; 01-17-2022 at 01:06 PM..
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:38 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun on Psych Central in 2001. It now runs as an independent community, overseen by a group of dedicated volunteers.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.