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Member Since Dec 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 341
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#1
Hello my friends. I have a daughter who is graduating high school in June. We are a small family and I wanted to make sure we all are together to celebrate the occasion. My daughter has worked very hard, especially during trying times, to do her best and is proud to be graduating. I just sent a "save the date" note to my brother and sister so they can mark their calendars. My brother responded by saying "we booked a beach house for that week a while back so we won't be there, but we will send a nice gift". This response made me very angry. I'm asking them 6 months in advance. My daughter will only graduate from high school once. How should I react to this? Should I be understanding and say "sorry to hear that, we will miss you"? or should I let him have it and remind him that family should come before a beach house? I did send a reply asking if he could shift the days around on the rental. I have not heard back, but I'm not expecting a favorable response. He can be a selfish person sometimes.
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#2
My response would be sorry to hear, we will miss you.
I can understand that they made their rental arrangements far ahead, ours for 2022 was made 11 months in advance. It would be great if they are able to change, but if not I would let it go. Maybe you could have a family celebration party over the summer? I remember when your daughter was very young. I feel joy for her and you as well! Congratulations to her! |
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lovethesun, Molinit, poshgirl, RoxanneToto, unaluna
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Grand Poohbah
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#3
I would let it go - I can understand feeling hurt, but your brother is allowed to have his own priorities. He’s still acknowledging your daughter’s (his niece’s) achievement, just not in the way you would prefer.
Congratulations to your daughter from me, in any case! |
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Bill3, lovethesun, poshgirl
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Crone
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#4
Have to agree with the others. Let it go. They made their arrangements first and he did acknowledge you and is sending a present, most kids want to be with their friends on graduation.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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Bill3, lovethesun, Rose76
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Member
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#5
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Legendary
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#6
Even before I read any of the other posts above, I was surprised to read that you got "very angry" at your brother's response. He is putting plans he made for his immediate family over plans you've just made for your immediate family. That strikes me as okay. I think you've already created awkwardness by suggesting he shift dates around to accomodate your plans. His note to you already tells you that he is prioritizing his own plans. Your request that he consider shifting his rental dates is you trying to pressure him. He probably resents that, which is why he has not responded to your 2nd note. He would be well within his rights to not respond further. Your second note, actually, was not polite IMHO. It comes off as an attempt to embarrass him.
Would you really want your daughter to be surrounded by people whose arms you twisted into being there. How embarrassing for her that would be, if she knew. I won't say you're wrong to feel "very angry" because we don't choose our feelings. They simply are what they are. I do think you would be wrong to let your brother "have it." You can't guilt relatives into having warmer feelings toward your daughter and you. The effect will be the opposite. He may, indeed, have very warm feelings for your daughter. That doesn't obligate him to show up in person for every milestone she hits. Almost everyone in the United States graduates from high school. No one is socially obligated to attend every graduation of every niece and nephew. Your expectation strikes me as abnormal. That probably is symptomatic of a larger issue you have that you believe no one is allowed to disappoint you. Maybe you just apply that to relatives. Your defense is that "Family should come first!" Few will argue against that. However, the family duties of an uncle are not at all the same as the family duties of a father. If they were, we'ld all be crushed under the burden of family duty. Celebrate your daughter's achievement with a joyous get-together of those who are there because that's exactly where they want to be. Maybe it will just be your immediate family going out for dinner at someplace elegant. That would be perfectly alright as an option. |
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AliceKate, rechu
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Member
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Location: United States
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#7
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Legendary
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#8
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Bill3
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Bill3, lovethesun
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#9
Beach houses are usually booked a year in advance in my state. If you want a nice house. I don’t see how he could switch it around.
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Member
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#10
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No he can't switch it around. And it really doesn't matter anymore. He's free of the burden of my daughter's graduation and can enjoy his beach house all he wants. I'll move on. Perhaps I should thank him for lowering the bar. Now I won't have to worry if I miss one of his family gatherings. And I'm sure not going to plan around them. |
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Mendingmysoul, Rose76
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#11
When you say “family has to come before beach house” I’d agree if he said he booked beach house for himself or to do drinking with some guys, then I agree. But beach house is his family outing, he booked it for a family. So he is really not prioritizing beach house. He planned something for his family. Perhaps he prioritizes immediate family over extended. That’s not uncommon and I don’t see how it makes him shallow
If you want everyone to attend big events like weddings or graduations. you plan like a year in advance but even then you might have people unable to attend. Typically graduations are not attended by 100%. It’s not uncommon for people being unable to attend Your feelings are valid. Intensity of your anger is a little unusual though and it makes me think there is more to the story. You shared ongoing difficult relationship with your own and your husbands family members and with other people (neighbors classmates friends etc etc) before. maybe there is general animosity in the families and in your circles or maybe there is something else at play |
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Member
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: United States
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#12
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poshgirl
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#13
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Here's the standard I hold my brother-in-law to. If, when I knock on their door, he lets me in . . . and I don't see bruises on my sister's face . . . and my nephews/nieces look well fed, then that BIL has met all my expectations. Anything beyond that is gravy: nice, but not required. I can see how your brother's odd combination of expectations and reciprocations can have you confused. You don't have to operate on his level. As you say, perhaps the bar has been lowered. Do what feels rewarding to you. Assume he'll do the same. Everyone's free to do as they like. I felt very close to my 3 siblings growing up and assumed we always would be. As adults, no two of us live in the same state. There have been years when I wondered if they even cared if I was alive. Recently - now that their kids are all adults - we have grown much closer. In life, relationships can wax and wane. I've learned to just roll with the flow. |
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Bill3
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#14
Why would he never see her after graduation? That sounds extreme.
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Rose76, unaluna
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#15
@lovethesun I just read through all the thread, and like many others, I was perplexed at the intensity of your anger at your brother UNTIL you let us in on the recent holiday lunch where your brother stated an expectation that seems to be a double standard. Considering his comments, I can understand how you would be upset that he isn't coming, but I would guess to say that the intensity of your anger comes from the double standard he presents, not his actual absence. He expects you and your husband to drop everything and prioritize family events that he plans, but he does not have to change anything to accommodate the events you plan. And, while your anger is justified either way because how you feel is how you feel, I think all of us can relate to feeling that anger from a double standard.
And I can totally relate because my brother plays these double standard games all the time too, which is just one reason why I no longer have a relationship with him. I agree with others who said don't let his attitude spoil your day or your daughter's day. The people who really care will be there. And that's who you really want there anyhow. __________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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lovethesun
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Bill3, lovethesun, poshgirl, unaluna
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Member
Member Since Dec 2014
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Posts: 341
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#16
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seesaw
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#17
Quote:
Anyways, didn't mean to project my baggage on you, lol. I think you were right with your initial response: you have to just learn not to expect anything from him. AND I hope along with that you will not let his attitude or comments make you feel bad about anything you or your family need to do rather than make appearances at these events. __________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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Bill3
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#18
We all want great family relationships, closeness and fantasy of everyone getting along. The reality sadly isn’t like this even in best of families.
Yet we want to continue creating an illusion of this ideal family. Ideal family that doesn’t exist. Going by what you shared there is a lot of resentment and distance in your relationship with your brother. Even the way you speak about him. There’s also no particular closeness between him and your daughter as you don’t even anticipate him seeing her in adulthood. Yet you don’t want to accept that this isn’t ideal family situation (and it’s normal to be in denial) and just enjoy what’s there. It could be always worse. You could have no family. Instead you have imperfect one. I’ll take imperfect. You can choose to remain angry and plot a revenge or you could choose to accept the situation the way it is and enjoy what’s there: let them send the gift, enjoy the party, chill and focus on your daughters future. |
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lovethesun
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Legendary
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#19
I wonder if he genuinely wants to come and actually regrets that he can't....has he avoided events of yours, or demonstrated a double standard, consistently in the past? You seem not only angry but surprised that he cannot attend.
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Member
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: United States
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#20
YES!!! He has avoided events in the past at my house, at my sister's house and at my mom's house. He may regret not being able to come, but it doesn't show.
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Open Eyes
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Bill3
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