Mothers who weren't so "angelic"

Yesterday I was on a facebook forum and the question was, would you have your mother as your mother again if you were going to relive your life? Every one on there went on and on about how WONDERFUL and sweet and angelic their mothers were. One that actually made me burst out laughing was the one that said how sweet their mother was when they were sick. My mother was at her MOST tyrannical when we were sick. Surely there had to be others reading that that were amazed... Anyone else feel left out about such things?

Yes.

My mother had, as I believe, narcissistic personality disorder and alcohol use disorder. She drank every day and screamed a lot. Many nightmarish arguments with my father, many incidents of drunk driving.

On the other hand, my mother-in-law actually was angelic! So I got some wonderful mother love in my adulthood, particularly after the death of my biological mother.

The thing is though that my biological mother was intelligent and capable when not drinking or raging. I'm sad about not having a loving mother, and also sad when I consider what she might have been if she had gotten help. But of course narcissists don't admit that they need help...

My mother basically had no self-confidence or self-esteem. She depended on my dad for everything & he had his own issues along those lines. Only thing good about that was that it made me VERY independent & I learned to stick up for myself & what I knew was right. I was absolutely NOTHING like my parents & they didn't have a clue about me. Unfortunately that did lead to battles quite often & being an only child was not easy cause there was no one else to relate to except kids at school. They had no idea how hard I tried to be nothing like them which in a way brought it's own kind of dysfunction in me

Mine is more the half way ground, we had our moments, and she struggled with depression when we were growing up, she still has her issues. I certainly don’t identify with calling her angelic, and tbh Mother’s Day I spend a long time choosing a card because most of them are so over the top it’s not true. In my own mothering I was scared I’d not be adequate, even now I try hard to apologise and admit my own shortcomings, something my own mother could never do, she saw/sees any admission of fault as criticism.

I think there’s a lot of nonsense talked on Facebook though, maybe some of those people posting had rose tinted spectacles on, I think a lot of Facebook is wanting to be seen a certain way and maybe ones own family would be a reflection of that so it makes sense to big them up publicly. I’m a cynic where social media is concerned.

For as long as I remember, there's never been a "half way" ground with my mother. As I may have said in other posts, it's only now I've really opened my eyes to her behaviour.

Okay, she was widowed at 25 with two young children. Four years later, she married a guy who had no parenting skills whatsoever despite having a son. She was incapable of sharing the love, pandering to this guy's every need. When he banned me from visiting, she told me how upset she was. My mother did (does) not have the mental strength to handle difficult situations well.

So is she angelic? No! Her behaviour is following her mother's course. People described my grandmother as a lovely person. Little did they know what a vicious, selfish person she was. Those traits manifested themselves in my mother despite her protests to the contrary. During one lockdown, I told her that I was feeling very down and had a few "dark moments". Her response wasn't "I'm sorry, what can I do to help". Instead she asked if I was contemplating an overdose. Zero support offered, criticism of me on every subject she could find. Just to satisfy her blinkered and closed way of thinking.

All she can say is, "I'm your mother". How I have to stop myself from saying, "well behave like one then!"

I am also convinced that my mother is a narcissist. We had the whole dynamic of my sister being the golden child. From a young age, she blatantly favored my sister. I never felt good enough and she has never approved of how I have chosen to live my life.

Of course, being the narcissist that she is, everyone else is the problem. She would never seek help. Interestingly, from what she has told me, her mother had a very similar dynamic with her. She never had the self awareness to realize she was repeating the same patterns.

I hear people say their mother is their best friend and the whole concept seems so foreign to me.

I was adopted, and while my mum did try her best, I don’t think I’d want to have her as a mum again if I had to live my life over. My bio mum was apparently a really kind woman, but she had severe mental health issues. There are people I love in my adoptive family, but… if I could go back and cure my mum’s problems, I would do that.

I hear you LOUD and CLEAR! My sister was the be all and end all of wonderful , perfect daughters. I always had to listen to how when she was my age, she was doing THIS and That and not doing THAT and THIS.etc. Here is a big one for you...I was bullied in school and she basically laughed and said it was my imagination. My sister had a bully in Jr. HS and my mother went after her one day. (My sister is nine years older than me.)

Thanks for understanding Medusax. I am older by almost four years, which is almost worse. I didn't do so well initially at college and ended up transferring. After transferring, in my first semester I had a 3.7 GPA. I was very happy, but when I told my mom, the first thing she said was, "well your sister got a 4.0." She was still in high school. I got 4.0s various times in high school.

I live in another country these days. A while back, we had a major earthquake. When I managed to contact my mother, one of the first things she said was to ask my sister for earthquake advice. What was that all about? Why wasn't she more concerned about my well-being? My sister does live in a place that has earthquakes but had never been through anything nearly as strong as that. What type of advice was she supposed to give me? She just has to bring my sister into everything.

Quote:

She just has to bring my sister into everything.

Ah, the Joy's of being an only child....lol. also by the time I hit high school, I was in classes far above my parents level of education, so they just kept quiet. Only problem, no one in my family ever went to college so I had no available mentoring on issues that came up. Had to figure it all out by myself including decisions on what major/minor to take. Made good decisions but could give no one credit for helping me do that

I also find sentimental FB posts about families a little hard to take sometimes. It's great that some people had wonderful relationships with their parents, but it wasn't easy to grow up in my house. I am not sure what prompted it, but there have been a lot of FB posts about my father lately. He died a few years ago and I am not sure why all these people are posting about him now. It's a little weird. I was ignoring the posts but friends are forwarding them to me.

I love my mom. She is a wonderful flawed human being and i appreciate seeing her mistakes and seeing her own up to them.

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That sounds like an invasion of your privacy, or just plain insensitive not to ask your permission first before posting about your dad.

@Discombobulated He was well known in the community. One of those awful to his family but loved by strangers types.

I’m sorry to read that @hvert and it sounds like the typical (IMO) nonsense that gets perpetuated on social media. That must be hard for you.

See, my parents didn't do "wrong" things. They would never admit to unfair treatment of others.

EXACTLY!! My best friend LOVED my Dad. And he liked her (strange that that sounds because he didn't like anyone). No one saw or heard what went on at home. Everyone thought my parents were just wonderful.

It's so common, I knew people would know what I meant without a lot of explanation, lol.

I had a wonderful father, my mother is why I am who I am today. she belittled me didn't seem to love me but when I cracked she was there for me so I forgive her for my past I think and bite my tongue when she brings up my past and how much I'm a screw up.

My mother is not so much admired in the community but was well-recognized in her professional field. A lot of younger people in her line of work really looked up to her and thought she was great. She sure loved the ego boost.