Confusing relationship problem

Hi everyone.
I'm brand new so not sure how all this works.
I was recently just broken up with (a day before my birthday), and my ex's reasoning for this was that we haven't seen each other for two years due to the pandemic. This is because were long distance. She gave me an ultimatum and told me if I don't come soon it's over between us. I set the date - March 26th - and on the 16th she broke up with me anyway, telling me she didn't think I was really going to come.
An important thing to note is that my family are very Conservative and also take covid extremely seriously. If I were to leave they would not allow me back for an indefinite amount of time. This is the reason it's been so long.
She told me if I can still come then we will work it out when I'm back but until then we are officially over. But we are still talking every day.
I don't know what to do now. I feel devalued and unloved. Every talk we have turns into an argument and she is very mean to me and flippant about the whole situation. She says she wants to make it work but it feels like she's really just made things ten times harder.
Can anyone give me advice? I'm heartbroken and need help.

Kate.

HI @KateLlewellyn - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry your relationship is facing challenges. That must be rough on you.

What was your relationship like before Covid?

At what point did things start to change?
@CANDC

Things were pretty much great before covid. We had great chemistry and loved each other very much. Things started to change about a year into the pandemic, she was clearly feeling very tired of waiting. To her credit she continued to wait for another year and I'm very grateful of that. Lately though, she's been very short with me and we have been arguing so frequently. Her kindness towards me now almost seems dependant on what I can do for her. What she wants is for me to come back and see her. I have lost her trust, which is understandable. But breaking up with me hasn't made things any easier for me and has left me feeling more confused now and reluctant to go. I really do want to make it work but I don't know how after all the arguments we've had, and that she seems to struggle greatly with her patience towards me.
Maybe there is something I'm not doing, and if this is all my fault I'm willing to accept it. I just want to salvage things but it's almost like the person I knew is no longer there.

Sounds like she’s getting cold feet at the possibility of turning an online / long distance relationship to one in the flesh.

The only thing you can do is be the authentic “you” that you are, meet up (if she lets you) and take it from there.

Sounds a bit selfish on her behalf to string this out for 2 years to call it off right before you meet. Seems she has lots of issues.

Have you ever met in person? If not, then you don’t really know her. If yes, then two years is way too long between meetings. Her dragging it for two years and then dumping you is a bit crazy. Are there no local people to date?

That sounds like emotional blackmail. There was (still is) a pandemic going on so of course people would not travel. You mention your family is still taking precautions, yet your partner dismisses these concerns and her message is: 'come or we're over'?!

Also why doesn't she come to you?? Why do you have to run to her?

It doesn't seem she wants to make it work but she wants you to run to her bidding. It all seems to be about her wants and her rules, not yours.

Thanks for all the responses.
She can't come to me as I have a very difficult home life unfortunately. We have met multiple times before covid, and we were always great together so she does know what I'm like in person, she just wants me to come after two years of not being able to, basically.
I have always thought She was quite unwilling to come to a mutual agreement about things but I overlooked it because everything else was good.
The problem I have is that if I do leave to meet her my family wouldn't allow me home due to the risk of covid. She thinks this is ridiculous but I really don't know what to think anymore.
To be clear though after about a year of covid she wanted me to come back, I just haven't been able to due to lots of life problems. None of which are enough to justify it to her.

Are you still going to go on the 26th?

If you are in Merthyr Tydfil as your profile indicates, borders were open last August (or I think late July). I flew to UK early August right after borders opened. You don’t have to tell but what country is she at that you can’t fly there? Is she still not allowed to enter Uk? I guess it’s in Asia, correct?

Also if you are still living with families, why are you entering these relationships? Wouldn’t it be better to become independent first? So they can’t tell you where to go and what to do. I understand your reliance on family is likely cultural but even in the most traditional families people achieve some type of independence before getting into serious relationships. Especially if your home life is difficult. It might not be the right time to even be in relationships

What’s the future here? Are you planning on marrying or just continue it long distance?

That is what strikes me in what you write. She is not willing to be supportive empathetic or take your concerns seriously

1. She was quite unwilling to come to a mutual agreement about things
Exactly - everything has to be on *her* terms

2. The problem I have is that if I do leave to meet her my family wouldn't allow me home due to the risk of covid. She thinks this is ridiculous
Again, very dismissive of your concerns. This is a serious health crisis and she cannot respect your decision.

3. [...]after about a year of covid she wanted me to come back, I just haven't been able to due to lots of life problems. None of which are enough to justify it to her.
Total lack of empathy and emotional support. Your 'problems' don't matter as much as what she wants.

Again, she is very demanding and pretty controlling. It all has to be on *her* terms. I just see a lot of red flags.

It's interesting how different people can see a situation so differently!

In my perspective she has been exceedingly patient with you. If one partner is not available for in-person interaction for two years, the other partner, in my view, might quite reasonably decide to move on.

In my view, the covid concern is manageable and could be addressed. I wondered, though, what your family feels about this relationship.

If personal problems interfere with your relationship, well, your partner again might reasonably (in my view) decide, after two years, that it is time to move on.

I hope that you are in fact able to go on March 26!

I don’t think wanting to see a romantic partner more often than every two years makes one demanding and controlling. In two years one can date, get engaged, marry and have a child. It’s a very long time. It’s not unreasonable expectation to move relationship forward or stop it if nothing happens in two years. And you being afraid your family don’t let you come back I you see her or you having bad family life is good enough reason to end it. How long should she be waiting. She’s not your wife or your family. Who can demand from a girlfriend to wait around for two years? It’s unreasonable

From what it sounds to me & how I would probably see it myself, it that she has given you 2 years (pandemic or not) Maybe she has realized that she doesn't want someone controlled by their family for a partner. Geeze, there are tests to determine covid positive or not when you return to family & isolation time is 5 days now. If your family has other demands then they are being over controlling & you are going along with it which tells me you are more easily controlled by others than being able to be independent.

Maybe this is her way of nicely getting across to you without actually saying it.....that she wants someone capable of being independent & able to live their own life rather than being controlled by family. I may be way off on this but I think this would be my thinking after 2 years. Don't know your ages or anything but. Your controlling family is not only controlling you but controlling her life too & maybe she has had enough.

The thing that stands out to me is she gives up like just before meeting..... Like she lost her trust so much she won't believe you'll come. Maybe she's hoped for so long during these 2 years that she doesn't want to get disappointed again if you don't actually end up visiting her on the 26th.

I can understand her, I would also get very mistrustful if I kept getting told things that sound like excuses, like "lots of life problems". I do think it's ridiculous that your family wouldn't allow you back - since there is quarantine. I also don't know how old you are but you do need to take responsibility here.

And I don't think your gf "was quite unwilling to come to a mutual agreement about things". She was willing to wait 2 whole years to see you. That's not a mutual agreement? She gave in to your need to wait for 2 years, so to me it's plenty mutual agreement and cooperation.

Again, you do need to see your side here in things and take responsibility for not prioritising her for 2 whole years, prioritising those "lots of life problems" instead and your family's demands. Unless it's some extreme situation like you ended up in the hospital for long months, that stuff will just come off like excuses to anyone and anyone would lose their patience in the end and eventually feel betrayed. Try to understand her side.

Thanks for the comments. I do understand how difficult it has been for her. I also feel awful for having made her wait so long. Of course, there is only so much context you can give people online.
The difficult life circumstances I've had aren't just menial, otherwise I would have gone sooner.
However, I completely appreciate that she's probably at her wit's end with me. I don't think many people would have waited two years to see their partner again. Thanks for the harsh truths, I really needed to hear them. I love her but I have clearly been very complacent and it's let her to feel unloved. I have booked tickets to see her very soon and hopefully repair my relationship.
Thanks again everyone.