Rough times, need support

[QUOTE=Have Hope;7196239]

Hi Have Hope ……….I’ve edited your post to just comment on certain sentences that I feel , because of my own experience , are “ telling” .

“Things had been pretty good between us over the last ten months since we got back together. We had separated over a year ago and were close to divorce due to his abuse towards me and fidelity issue on his part.”

Right here your saying how things have been going well for awhile since you’ve “got back together “ . So your were separated and “close to a divorce “.due to his ”abuse towards you and infidelity “ So these are MAJOR issues right here that most likely have had a profound impact on your relationship that has yet to be worked out and communicated probably best in a therapeutic setting.

“Right now, individually we are facing enormous stress. He has a very stressful job, he lost his father within the last year, and his mother cries to him nearly every day about hating living with her daughter in-law. “

Here again we have MAJOR issues that need to be communicated in a therapeutic environment. Now I’ll say here that HIS issues should be worked on by himself.
YOUR issues should be worked on by yourself. And after some progress individually perhaps you’ll be ready to tackle the marriage issues. Only when you can talk to each other without playing the blame game and have honest conversation and open and calm communication would marriage counseling be helpful.

“I, myself, had to take an unpaid leave of absence from my new job due to mental health issues (ie, hearing voices). “

This sounds like a major mental health issue that needs to be addressed. You just need to take care of this FIRST and foremost and your husband may have great difficulty understanding what’s happening to you which can create an enormous frustration.

“My husband is very stressed about MY situation, about finances because I am not working and could be let go, about his mother, and about his own work. “

Again , issues that HE has to deal with.

“He tells me he doesn't wish to talk about it, so I commented that he never wants to talk about it and how that's not healthy... all of which is true. “

You are absolutely correct in stating that if he doesn’t communicate his feelings it will express itself in unhealthy ways not only for him but for the marriage.

“Well, that comment pushed him over the edge because he felt like I was forcing him to talk when he didn't want to. Suddenly, there was an outpour of all his stress, mainly financial, but then he tells me that I stress him out due to "all my problems".”

He is holding in all his true feelings and concerns. This can all be expressed in a neutral environment where he can feel comfortable in “letting it all out”.

“I got really hurt by that comment, and the whole conversation downward spiraled from there”.

Of course you got hurt by that comment and he says “ all your problems “ because he probably doesn’t understand what your going thru or how to fix it.

“He tells me that what I am going through is "not normal", and that I am not the same person he married. So, more hurtful comments from him towards me. I got even more hurt, and we began to argue back and forth, which went on for about an hour or so. “

His inability to understand what your going thru leads him to making hurtful comments which in turn immediately shut down any possibility of non-hurtful communication. Which leads to an hour of needless, worthless, argument.

“Again, it hasn't been this way since we got back together and all has been pretty much smooth sailing with no abuse and only. a few minor bumps that we quickly got over. “

Sure , things seem fine until all those old issues rear their ugly heads again.
You can get over the minor bumps but big potholes are lying ahead.

“ This is the first time in a very long time that I have felt this way.. it's the first time in a very long time that I have thought about leaving him again. “

Very long time ? This talk about leaving each other , isn’t only because you don’t understand each other ? Because you can’t talk to each other ? Now I know sometimes there are things that just “can’t be fixed”. Relationships doomed for failure. But are you sure you’ve tried everything possible ? Perhaps deep down you or he doesn’t really want to fix it. Honestly and truthfulness MUST be expressed .
Trustworthiness must be restored.

“On top of this, I am still having symptoms, yet I have to go back to work to earn money again. “

If your having “symptoms “ they must be addressed before you can go back to work or go back to anything !

“I know he wants to just drop it and carry on as though nothing ever happened. That is not something i can easily do. What do I do????”

This is what most people , who can’t or don’t want to talk about their issues say to
shut down the conversation. If you can’t do that then you have to let him know.
If you can do that , just to keep the peace then do it BUT insist that YOU come first ,
marriage comes second.

“EDITED TO SAY: I went upstairs to check on him, the conversation downward spiraled again, with him blaming me for our argument, and then he threatened to leave and never come back. /QUOTE]”

Of course the threats again. Obviously you can’t have any kind of a logical conversation with anyone who can only speak thru the emotional side of their brain. My final piece of advice to you based on personal experience , learn ,through whatever means , to strengthen yourself to the point where you can deal with life and whatever it throws at you , BY YOURSELF . If your relationship can work out , fine. If your relationship doesn’t work out , fine.
Best of luck to you..

I don't want to be unsupportive Have Hope and I can see how much he has hurt you. Again. But I think that sometimes, one has to move on. I have been refraining from posting because you clearly want to make things work and you say things have been good for the last 10 months.

To avoid any repeats in the future, I would be very clear re expectations and respect (boundaries). It is *not* okay for him to make you feel so... inferior, inadequate or unlovable and to 'attack' you at your weakest. It doesn't matter what his stress levels are, this is non-negotiable (or ought to be). This is life - we get stressed, we get sick, we struggle BUT you don't treat your partner this way. So, what is HE going to do about it.

I would be very clear about how he intends to change his behaviour and I would not put up with it again. You have given him so many chances. And life is so unpredictable, crap happens. So what? Is this how he will react when things gets tough? Honeymoon period over because he is feeling stress? Not acceptable.

[QUOTE=moodyblue83;7196521]Thank you so much for your reply and insights.

In response, we ARE in couples and individual therapy, each of us. However, he made it clear yesterday that he doesn't want to discuss what happened in a couples therapy session. He's shutting down communication and working on things together, and he's going against his word that he would do "whatever it takes" to keep our marriage together, including couples therapy.

You're correct in that he shuts down all communication over important issues, which makes it impossible to resolve the issues together. This is NOT healthy for either one of us, or for the marriage.

I am extremely frustrated at this point that he has regressed back to old behaviors, and over the fact that in order to keep the peace between us, I have to avoid conversation about stressful matters. I feel I am right back in an unhealthy dynamic again, and it's making me beyond uncomfortable. My entire soul is screaming out to me that this is NOT OK and is unacceptable.

And, the reason why all of this reared its ugly head again is due to such a high level of stress. He does not handle stress well, and I've noticed that he DOES regress when stress escalates to an unbearable level for him.

And yes, we are facing large issues. Over the last ten months, I have felt mainly very encouraged by his change in behavior. He seemed to have turned a new leaf and was embracing therapy and new behaviors that involved only being loving, respectful and supportive towards me. But now that we're under such enormous stress, he's changed.

I am working on resolving my own issues in order to return to work and be a contributing member of my household. I am on meds, I am in therapy, I have a pdoc, and I have used multiple energy workers to help me with the voices.... I am working very hard at healing myself right now. I am due back to work this week, and I am praying that I can keep my job and be somewhat back to normal again.

IF I can keep my job, the stress will die down considerably. IF I cannot, the stress will only worsen because then I will be on unemployment benefits and earning barely enough to scrape by. So, that's not preferable. The ideal scenario is I return to work, and my CEO allows me to ease into my job, with modified responsibilities due to my current condition.

So, in my longwinded way, I know he has unhealthy behaviors and that it's effecting our marriage, yet again. I also have an incredible itch to leave my marriage again, when my circumstances allow for that. I feel I've tried everything at this point - therapy included.

But right now I don't know which way things will go.

Oh Riv, I know..... You've always been supportive yet also very honest and forthcoming about the unhealthy dynamic between us, and about my own well-being. I've always appreciated your posts and replies.

IF I can get him to go to couples therapy either this week or next, I will definitely express that his comments and treatment of me were unacceptable. I would like to put my foot down, yet again, but since I am feeling more weakened right now generally speaking, I need to muster up the strength and courage to do so.

And yes, I hear you loud and clear about moving on. I know I have given him many chances. Since I did see massive changes and improvements in his behavior over the last ten months, I am hoping we can return to that place again. But it may be too difficult to return to that and he may be too far gone again due to all the recent stress. I just don't know.

Maybe I'm being foolish. Maybe I'm being a hopeless romantic. However, at the same time, I do have the desire to leave him again, as mentioned above a few times. I just don't know what will happen at this juncture. Things could improve, or they could worsen. I just pray that I can keep my job since we really do not need any more additional stress, which will put both of us over the edge and which will make things between us unbearable. I cannot go through something like that again with him. I do not have the strength this go around.

I’d demand he makes serious adjustments to his spendings in order for you take longer leave or eventually take lower paid jobs or work part time. It’s supposed to be in sickness and health.

I’d not tolerate my spouse being lazy or not following proper treatment ( by licensed MDs). But I’d not force him to hurry up back to work in this condition. Well my husband wouldn’t be able to work his job hearing voices anyways. But that’s besides the point

. “Contributing household member” doesn’t mean sick people must hurry up to work when sick. There are other ways to contribute.

What if you were physically seriously unwell or needed surgery? Would you have to hurry up back to work?

Now no one can be expected to be loving at all times or never have an argument. But it seems that this marriage falls apart every time something goes wrong. But things go wrong all the time. Everyone has work and life stress and have family members sick and dying or getting in trouble. He is unprepared for life then if he expects things to go smoothly at all times. One can wish for the kind of life. I don’t know anyone who has no stress or family and health problems.

You gave him half of the deposit back for him to move out but he never fully moved out and is now back in. I’d ask for that money to be put towards expenses while you cannot contribute monetarily. What do your parents say to all this? Your dad is a mental health professional, does he think you should go back to work right now?

He's not forcing me back to work - in fact, he said take another week. It's coming from ME that I want to return to work in order to earn money and to be able to afford my expenses.

My husband spent money moving back in. He paid the movers by himself and I didn't help with that. The deposit money from last year is long gone. I do not have control over my husband's spending or finances. This is why we have separate accounts and entirely separate finances. I have attempted at least 100 times to help him to save more and to spend less. He doesn't listen, so it's out of my hands. I am the frugal one, he is not. That's just the way it is. I will say that he has improved in this area by quite a bit since he looks for coupons, and I do not, in fact.

And yes, things erupt under great stress. I worry about the future for that reason. I mean, both my parents have COVID right now. My father is over 80 years old with a lung disease, so he is very vulnerable. With COVID, who knows what could have happened with his health. THANK GOODNESS he is actually Ok and is on the mend.... but WHAT IF his health had taken a serious downturn? Even worse, what if he had died because of COVID?!? How would my husband have behaved then?

One thing that encourages me is that when I was hospitalized last year, my husband was there for me through thick and thin. He called me every single day, and sometimes multiple times, and he supported me through the entire ordeal. And, this go around when my health went downhill again, he has been very supportive, doing anything and everything that may help. All was stable until yesterday.

And now, I am thrown right back into feeling uncertain.

Financial issues answered above.

My parents do not yet know about our fight yesterday. They are livid, however, over his inability to save and his ability to spend.

I don’t think they need to know about your fights, I meant what your dad thinks about your health and ability to work

I think it’s definitely something to address in therapy together. Why things that go smoothly but immediately go downhill after one fight? Why is he not in a better control over things he says? He must know he says very mean things. It’s so uncalled for. Is he sober when he says all that? He needs to think what he says. Stress is no excuse.

I think therapy could maybe help on how to handle stress better and how not to escalate an argument into divorce or break up talk. There got to be some strategies for him and you both as a couple. Everyone has arguments but why is it always so bad. I hope you can have an appointment soon

I am sorry your parents are sick! I am glad your dad is on a mend. Covid is still a threat to people especially elderly. Praying he recovers soon.

It’s an interesting but confusing question: how would your husband react if something happens to your dad? Hopefully like a supportive husband/son in law/brother in law would? How do you think he’d react? I hope your dad continues thriving but it sounds like your husband has to learn how to handle life events. Again good topic for therapy

Please, listen to this inner guidance. Communication is vital - he keeps shutting the door to any communication and going back on his word to do anything and everything to make it work. Were these just words or did he mean it? If so, he has to show up and follow through.

I hope your boss can accommodate.. But the concern is: what if something else happens down the line - to either you or him - will he go through the roof again? He needs to work on his communication skills (i.e. drop the abusive behaviour and language directed at you) and stress management.

He really needs to commit to you through thick and thin, through actions rather than mere words AND be willing to work on it with you, despite whatever bomb life drops...

I hear you that it is not easy as you are already having a hard time and it takes energy to keep fighting the same ol' battle. Plus, feelings are involved and logistics - it it not easy. I would encourage you to be strong, and firm. Don't give up! Never give up on you..

My dad said if I’m 75% better I can likely work. I am able to focus better, read articles all the way through and I am able to set an agenda for my day far better. He also suggested modified responsibilities which my doctor agreed to request of my CEO.

Yes, he’s sober when he says these things. and I agree with you about therapy and also his lack of control. I mean, really? Things escalated yesterday into an enormous fight simply because I asked about his stress and how he’s feeling?!?! Unacceptable.

Thanks so much re: my father. Thank God he’s ok.

I think my husband would actually be quite supportive if something happened to my parents. He lost his father this last year, so I think he’d have great empathy. What I meant more so is if more stress were piled on right now in that way, I’m not sure but it could break us.

Thanks, Riv. I will not give up on myself. I will also try to strengthen myself somehow. I especially need to bolster my self esteem.

And, all valid points about my husband. I will mention this in our next therapy session, whenever that will be. The way he acted yesterday, he came across as a fair weather spouse. I felt almost abandoned. Unacceptable. I also felt incredibly demeaned which I felt was on purpose. Also unacceptable. I will voice this in therapy. You don’t kick someone when they’re down, most especially your spouse.

I have a couple questions. These are what I would ask myself. Posting answers isn't necessary.

You said if I can get him to go to couples therapy... what is your plan if he refuses to go or downplays the the argument? What does that behavior tell you? What does his refusal to want to go tell you?

It's a shame that he hasn't changed very deeply and still relying on his abusive behaviors. And now, your gut reaction is telling you to run again. I think you deserve a happier and healthier relationship. Relationships aren't just 2 people. It's 2 people in a specific and unique set of circumstances that constantly changes. The people need to navigate those specific things as a team. Does his lack of deeper change tell you anything you need to know? Are you functioning as a team with mutual respect and goals?

It's none of my business and I don't know your recent mental health issue beyond hearing voices. That certainly is an unusual stressor for a relationship. I can understand financial concerns and job worries having an impact on going back to work. It sounds like you are forcing yourself to go back though. Returning to work will eleviate stress for your husband. Will returning be what's best for your health and wellbeing? If your health doesn't improve beyond the point you are at now, your relationship will stay affected by the stress. How would you cope knowing your husband may stay stuck in unchanged behaviors he's refusing to discuss at the moment? What is your expectation and is it realistic?

I don't need answers to these questions. I know from personal experience that women who are or have been abused get tunnel vision and we forget to look around a little. I hope you look around a little and put your entire self first. You deserve a happy and healthy relationship.

Hello and thanks so much for your reply. You ask very good, valid questions. Up until Saturday, I felt things were generally very good. In previous couples therapy sessions he’s been open to my feedback and has made adjustments in his behavior. I believe he WILL attend therapy with me. In the heat of the moment he often says a lot of things that he doesn’t truly mean. He’s blowing off steam. Still…. He needs work and more improvement in the way he does this.

I’m going to think on your questions. I cannot answer them but I will definitely ponder on them.

Thanks again.

We've had a good day today, overall. It feels like we've gotten past the big argument and toxicity of yesterday, though I am still reeling underneath it all and deep down when I think about it. I am enjoying for now the pleasantness of this today, however, which is very nice in comparison.

Great that things are nice today!