Rough times, need support

I'm really sorry.

I think your gut feeling makes sense, like he was being impulsive, saying things in anger that he doesn't actually mean.

I personally am trying to deal both with difficulties like you (probably not the same diagnosis but it's still a lot of stress and difficulties) and with the fact lately that everyone I've known and cared about, and who also seem to have cared about me, is going to say things in anger like that. It just seems inevitable....human beings - us included - really are fallible. I just want to find strategies for stopping bad drama before it goes too far like that.

Also I want to do that because, due to my extra stress and current difficulties, I do find it harder to let go of and forget what was said in anger, I think in the past I dealt with it more easily, pushed back more easily before drama would escalate too much, and ironically enough, it all somehow didn't escalate as much, or if it did, I was more able to get over it faster. I may have been forgetting about it all too easily too, I don't know, but now it's like the negativity from it lingers around a long time. So I want to avoid such issues in future with people. And I want to not have to stay with the negative memory for so long, it does make my stress even worse.

I think the fact that your husband did apologise afterwards is already something. The people I have in mind did not try to apologise or not easily....even people who are otherwise religious.

I'm going to open a thread on this topic though, I think if I said more here it would end up hijacking your thread. Don't know how much of what I've said is relatable, I just felt like I could relate to you about people getting nasty after trying to help and give support.

I really hope you two can work it out to not escalate things between you two while the stress is so high for both of you. I understand he was doing bad behaviours before but also that he's worked on it a lot, and that's great and he should of course continue that work.

How much is an apology worth if the same behaviour keeps happening over and over again.

An apology ought to imply: 'I messed up, I am sorry, I will work on it so it does not happen again' not 'I may have messed up, I am saying sorry but hey, I have no intention of changing'

What is even the point of an apology otherwise if there is no change of behaviour whatsoever.

Best of luck Have Hope! I hope you get someone truthful but supportive of you. Keep trying..

Thank you.

This is what I am dealing with myself. The negative things said have stuck with me, causing me pain and conflicted feelings towards him. I get why he said these things, yet the apology did not change the behavior, as Rive points out. That's bothersome.

100% agree!

THANK YOU!

Yeah, exactly. That's why we can never stop focusing on personal growth or the new habits for new behaviours cannot be implemented and maintained.

Actually, in the recent past, he has said things like "I'm not perfect" and "I will work on it", when I've pointed out the behaviors.

He seems to have been ramping up recently for a release of pent up emotions. And unfortunately, that all came down on ME.

I feel pretty discouraged right now about all of this. I had a dream last night where I told him I am not happy. Or, I told someone I am married to that I am not happy. It wasn't even him in the dream.

I am not happy about these recent incidents, that's for sure. And I feel like pulling back from him as a direct result.

I have been journaling the incidents, every time there's tension or a rough spot between us. I am cataloguing the incidents. My memory is poor, so this helps me to recall specific details. I am going to continue to document what's happening when it happens, to help myself. If another pattern is developing again, I will see it unfold in my journal. This will help me to decide what to do going forward, and whether I need to leave him again. It's possible that with a better therapist, these behaviors can be addressed through therapy. I am hoping that's the case. I still need to find a therapist.

I cannot just flip my emotions from one end of the spectrum to another. He's being all cutesy now and loving with me, and I feel like being standoffish. I am still processing his hurtful words and actions as of late and the unfair, false accusations he made that were all projections of his issues onto me. I feel like he took my happy bubble and burst it, and on purpose. I am angry that he did this to me.

AND, I am still processing what that awful female therapist said to me. She also blamed me for having a string of abusive relationships. She told me I chose to be in an abusive relationship! It's never CHOSEN.... it happens and we don't see it coming. Who the heck in their right mind actually chooses to be abused? No one! I am still upset over that meeting with her and cannot believe the words that came out of her mouth towards me.

I mean, what kind of therapist says "you've been choosing abusive relationships" in the very first meeting and without knowing my background/childhood and without knowing the context of any of those relationships? That's automatic victim blaming. I am astounded by this woman, after only one meeting! And then to also assume that I never stand up for myself with my husband, despite having left him a year ago?

Sometimes I cannot believe the words I am writing on here. That woman is a terrible therapist and does not deserve a license. She could actually do more harm than good. Thank goodness I had the wherewithal to withdraw from her.

She didn't build empathy, understanding or trust with you. She came in all guns blazing, and she was wrong. This is not the way to start a therapeutic relationship.

As for your husband
I do agree that a good therapist can make a heck of a difference... but primarily one needs to want to change and actively work on that. Just like you are working hard on yourself, he needs to want to change himself.. and not give up at the first hurdle.

With a better therapist, I am hoping that *you* get the support you need in this dynamic.

In a very first meeting she already knows what you do or don’t do or what you choose. Wow. She was clearly in a rush to make assumptions!

YES, she did!!! She was downright just awful. The more I think on it. the worse it is.

My husband has made some important changes, so that's good at least. But he still needs to work on the rest. And thank you, I hope so too!

Very much so! And I resent it!!

I reached out to my abuse advocate today to schedule a call. I am going to now follow up to receive support and help in navigating my circumstances and relationship. There's a number of logistical reasons why I cannot leave him right now, and largely it's financial. And I am wondering if this is the beginning of me going down that path again. I am not happy with how he has behaved lately and now he's being mr lovey dovey and I am just simply wary of him and feel standoffish. He got to explode on me, so to speak, and I am still reeling from the harsh criticisms, anger, projections and false accusations I received from him.

I am also in a position at work where I could lose my job. If I lose my job, then I definitely have no means to leave him anytime in the near future.

I have reached out to a couple more therapists as well. I had no luck with one I just spoke with the other day. So I am still seeking a strong individual therapist for myself and a good couples therapist for us.

I also re-joined an abuse forum on Facebook for women in abusive marriages. Several women falsely assumed he's a narcissist, simply because he exhibits some of those traits. He can empathize and so I don't believe he's truly a narcissist.

Right now I don't know how to feel. Yesterday, I was super down spirited, about work and about my relationship. I cannot really take any more. I don't feel strong enough to handle a lot of stress and upset.

And the thought of leaving him again brings up many different emotions. I don't know if I can go through another complete upheaval in my life. Separation and divorce is enormously stressful and difficult emotionally. I just don't know if I can face all that all over again.

Just spoke with mom. To top it off, my dad's health is not good. He hasn't recovered from having covid, his oxygen gets low whenever he tries to exercise, and he has persistent headaches. He should have been recovered from covid by now, it's been about three weeks since he was diagnosed, so the complications are with his condition.

I cannot handle losing my father and going through another separation or divorce process at the same time. My mother is worried about how long my dad can live, given his lung disease and now complications from covid. And, he's over 80 years old.

I'm really sorry to hear this news.

Thank you, @Bill3.

Also I realized how isolated I am and feel lately. We don't see our friends independent of one another nor do we see friends together, hardly. I am starting to feel suffocated and very isolated, which goes against my nature.