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Old 06-22-2022, 07:01 AM   #161
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Default Re: Rough times, need support

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Originally Posted by UnawareBS View Post
I am having trouble with my spouse which is similar to your own. Mine has been 7 months. We unofficially were separated and unofficially have gotten back together so we are never far from "full conflict."

I would say trying to be under affected by your spouse is what you should strive for. If you have separated and are back together you need to maybe consider it like a transplanted organ. Rejection rate is probably very high in the times after a transplant. You haven't transplanted your spouse with a different person but the process seems to be about the same.

I don't have anything else to offer you but luck!
Sorry, I missed this post of yours when I posted a few days ago.

Things with my husband have been drastically different than during our first two years of marriage. He has made great strides in changing the behaviors that were abusive, toxic and harmful. I feel like I have a very different person now that I am married too. We had a very bad day a couple of months ago and that blew things up for me, causing me to question the relationship all over again, but it's calmed down since then and it's been smooth sailing. A part of me is still wondering when the other shoe will drop, though.
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Old 06-23-2022, 06:14 AM   #162
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My husband's mother is visiting us, and has been in town since the day my father died. I feel that my mother also needs my company, and I am torn between the two. I did not join my husband and his mom for dinner last night because his mother wasn't feeling well, so my husband brought her dinner to the hotel and ate dinner with her there while I stayed at home.

This morning I announced to my husband that I will be joining my own mother for dinner this eve after work. He seemed surprised as well as dismayed and asked, "so you're not going to come with us to Bernard's?" Bernard's is his mother's favorite local Chinese restaurant. I said no, and almost felt guilty for it. But I should not feel guilty for needing time as well with my own family, even while my husband's mother is visiting. My father just died and I am grieving. I cannot spend every night with my husband's mom, when my own mother needs me too. And, I need my family around me as well right now. My husband should be able to understand this.

These are difficult times for sure.
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Old 06-23-2022, 06:31 AM   #163
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My husband's mother is visiting us, and has been in town since the day my father died. I feel that my mother also needs my company, and I am torn between the two. I did not join my husband and his mom for dinner last night because his mother wasn't feeling well, so my husband brought her dinner to the hotel and ate dinner with her there while I stayed at home.

This morning I announced to my husband that I will be joining my own mother for dinner this eve after work. He seemed surprised as well as dismayed and asked, "so you're not going to come with us to Bernard's?" Bernard's is his mother's favorite local Chinese restaurant. I said no, and almost felt guilty for it. But I should not feel guilty for needing time as well with my own family, even while my husband's mother is visiting. My father just died and I am grieving. I cannot spend every night with my husband's mom, when my own mother needs me too. And, I need my family around me as well right now. My husband should be able to understand this.

These are difficult times for sure.
I think it’s ok to let them have time alone and have your own thing going. No need to spend all your time with his mom especially since your mom needs you now. But why wouldn’t you have both mothers at dinner? Meaning having family dinner together? Or invite both mothers over to your house, then no one feels excluded? Not sure of your family dynamics though. Sometimes such things are a disaster.
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Old 06-23-2022, 06:35 AM   #164
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I think it’s ok to let them have time alone and have your own thing going. No need to spend all your time with his mom. But why wouldn’t you have both mothers at dinner? Meaning having family dinner together?
My mother is very concerned about getting covid again given her age bracket (she's 80). My father still had covid in his body when he died, so he had long-term covid and never recovered. My mother is worried about going to public restaurants, and she doesn't want to take the risk.

It's my husband's 50th bday on Monday, and we're going out to a very nice restaurant with his mom, former nanny and best male friend. My mother was also invited, but she has declined because of her covid concerns.

So, I just need to spend time with mom at her home, or doing something else that does not involve a public restaurant.
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Old 06-23-2022, 08:13 AM   #165
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You are right. Your mom (and you) are the priority. Your husband ought to understand that.
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Old 06-23-2022, 11:34 AM   #166
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You are right. Your mom (and you) are the priority. Your husband ought to understand that.
He does get it. I explained it to him afterwards this morning.
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Old 06-23-2022, 11:52 AM   #167
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My mother is very concerned about getting covid again given her age bracket (she's 80). My father still had covid in his body when he died, so he had long-term covid and never recovered. My mother is worried about going to public restaurants, and she doesn't want to take the risk.

It's my husband's 50th bday on Monday, and we're going out to a very nice restaurant with his mom, former nanny and best male friend. My mother was also invited, but she has declined because of her covid concerns.

So, I just need to spend time with mom at her home, or doing something else that does not involve a public restaurant.
That makes total sense
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