Bad Blood

I have plenty of what the title says against this so-called friend.

She seemed to be the best of friends all through 2021. In June I went to Turner Falls with her and spent the night there with her. Then we talked pretty much everyday. Then comes September '21, when I want her to come with me to a wedding in San Diego. Every time I asked her if she wanted to come she deflected the question, wanting to talk to me about political matters (she was passionate about the pull out from Afghanistan). Then after she finally said she would go to San Diego with me, she upheld this decision until the night before, when she changed her mind but I've already shaped my entire trip to include her in my plans.

Then when I confronted her about the situation, she kept telling me she didn't want to talk about it anymore when I was talking to her about it on DM, the night before I was supposed to meet up with her and another friend. When the next day came, I was visibly upset and she was so sad that I was unhappy with her she said tears. She apologized so I thought it was all ok.

However, after that last hangout I had to do all the work to keep in touch with her. When I kept asking her on DM when I could see her again she just bluntly said she would let me know, but then said that she was mad that I had confronted her about the San Diego trip she bailed on. I explained my side once again and she clearly understood how inconsiderate she was. I have never felt the same about her since she apparently held a grudge against me, and she is responsible for ruining my view of the opposite gender, which has been in decline for several years.

Some of these things happened on a much smaller scale leading up to the big incident, plus there are things I don’t like about her. She is racist, asking me what race people she sees are, and was tempted to say something hurtful to one of her patients because of their race.

Most of my friends except for one say that I should not be friends with her. I’ve already unfollowed her on Insta, but haven’t removed her as a follower yet. But now I’m thinking of blocking her, as I haven’t heard from her in a couple of months and I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable being around her again.

What do you guys think?

There could be one or many reasons for her behaviour but as you've been good friends, her behaviour seems strange.

Perhaps she feels your friendship has run its course, for whatever reason. It may be good to leave the lines of communication open for a while. I mean for her to check in. If she doesn't, then you'll know the friendship is over. Unless, you would prefer the finality of blocking her on social media, etc now and moving on.

It's one of life's mysteries why good friends suddenly become fair weather friends.

Thanks for your reply. I kind of think now that I have spent more time with this person it may not be a relationship worth keeping in the long one, and sure won't be a person that I seek out in the future.

It's just too bad though, this is my last opposite gender friend and this whole incident has brought back other bad memories of mistakes I've made with women or relationships that didn't work out. I'm struggling daily to view myself as lovable or trust women, even platonically, ever again.

I don't see how one person could be "responsible for ruining my view of the opposite gender" - that is giving a lot of power, too much even, to another. Your views ought to be yours, not shaped by anyone else.

Re how you describe this friend: move on. You have different values, she lets you down, you are the one running after this 'friendship'. It feels like hard work when you don't seem to even like her that much.

When you say you spent the night, do you mean you had sex? You don't have to answer, but I feel that sex complicates relationship and could have something to do with her behavior.

You're right Rive, I think if it's anything I need right now it's a change of mentality and I think you're providing me both with what I want and need to hear. I used to view women a lot more positively than I do now. I've got a wonderful relationship with my mother and I had lots of opposite gender friends in high school and early on in college but maybe I've let my negative experiences have too much power over me.

As for downandlonely - I did not have sex at all. In fact I'm not known at all for pushing sexual desires. For the most part right now I just want friends and not romance.

It sounds that you were actively pursuing her (for friendship or not) while she was not particularly interested and just went along for awhile, then she ran out of steam. I see no reason to keep pursuing people in this manner. When you asked her to accompany you for a wedding and she gave you no answer, it was obvious she wasn’t thrilled with the idea, otherwise she’d say yes. At that point you had to stop asking. Sadly some people are bad with being direct and when pushed and prodded, just follow along.

I don’t know why you have negative views on women and I suggest you seek therapy about it. We all run into bad partners or bad friends of either gender, but when your view on the whole gender is negative (rather than view on this one particular person) then it’s something you might want to explore.

You said she is racist and has a bad view on people of other races just based on race. But you have a negative view of the entire gender, which is not better and in fact is just as bad. You are both stereotyping and let personal biases take over common sense

I’d stop seeking her company. It sounds that she moved on and so should you

Just like someone else has said whenever I asked their opinion I'm trying to push a full-time friend status on a friend who is actually going to be simply part-time. Her indirectness with being asked questions or talking about important topics is aggravating. Now I know what I do not want in either a friend or partner (but heaven forbid at this point that I have the latter now).

Good news is I have a therapist who I have been working with on this matter and he's helping me to dive into my bitterness against groups of people. I may always be bitter though. The only way to win over the opposite gender in these days and times is to be popular, have lots of money, and most importantly, treat them like dirt. And women are just too hostile anymore to view tokens of friendship as simply just that. They think it's all sinful lust and attraction so another thing I've noticed is women only view guys as potential soul mates or get the heck away from me zone. I can go to as many therapy sessions as I want but I have every right to generalize and hold these views.

I have to start with it's an honor, because not a day goes by that Linklater and Company don't help me make it through another day!

So, it seems like if she doesn't meet you at least half way, there is no excuse. Love can be interpreted in a lot of ways, but if you feel hurt and tired, and invalidated or not valued, legit, what was that film called??
GET OUT!

I am not *disclaimer* telling you your business, but I often feel people view support as often a thin veil to hide behind, instead of warning you that this may lead to some long term damage.
Not everyone has the choice to leave. If it feels wrong, trust you, and see who does the leg work if it's for real. I feel protective of you, so be real about your feelings, and if she denies another trip to Saint Diego, I'm for real, you don't deserve this.

LM

I guess you are right that you have rights to hate women and stereotype and generalize. You are right that no one can stop you. But how does it serve you in life? In what way does it help you?

You also have to be mindful that having rights to hate the entire gender (and it wouldn’t be any different if you spoke like this of a different race or culture) doesn’t mean you have rights to spew the hatred in a public forum where other people might read it. I guess people might have rights to be racist and anti-Semites, and homophobes etc and I’ve met many but does it mean it’s ok to spew that on a public forum? You’d likely hesitate to post angry stereotypes against blacks or Asians, yet you think it’s ok to speak like this of women? Why is it ok?

Also your statements aren’t very logical. It can’t be statistically true that every woman in a happy marriage or relationship has a husband who treats her like dirt (in addition to being rich and popular).

So are you indirectly telling to people on here that they either treat others like dirt (men) or are treated like dirt (women). What evidence do you have of that? And are you denying the fact that some and hopefully many married people on this forum are not treated like dirt?

Thank you so much Lydiamarilyn for reminding me that I don't deserve that treatment. Sometimes when I've felt so unlovable I have began to think that I might have deserved it. Thankfully I have had no serious relationship with this person in question but I have a list of dealbreakers when it comes to any kind of relationship with any person, and I think this person has met a lot of them. Fortunately I'm not married to this person so I have the wiggle room to get out.

And for divine1966 I have developed some of my bitterness because I think that it will make me more alert to possible hurts and I can prevent them ASAP. I'm sorry to cause any sort of offense. I don't know where else to turn because I only see my therapist every two weeks, I also am afraid of bothering my friends and my parents though they're supportive have sometimes said the wrong thing at the wrong time when I'm stressed. I probably should talk to people about this PM but I doubt there's anybody who would know me enough to want to talk to me or try to put up with me.

The reason I'm saying things like women only like men who treat them like dirt is when I've asked others out I've always been told to just be friends when once upon a time when I was younger I treated women with loads of respect and had lots of them as friends. But what I had wasn't good enough.

Well when people are angry they tend to say things that simply aren’t true. Deep inside you likely know that these statements make no sense. You can’t possibly think that women only like men who treat them like dirt. This doesn’t even make sense. Sure some individuals of both genders are attracted to abusive partners often because of unresolved issues, upbringing, low self esteem etc It’s not the norm though and most men and women want to be treated well and wouldn’t settle for abusive partners.

As about friendships. Sure people often have friends of opposite gender because it just happens, people happen to develop friendships. But I don’t know anyone who is actually deliberately seeking friendships with opposite gender. What about that woman was so important that you wanted to pursue friendship with her

Hi, I'm sorry you were hurt DazedCofused254. Feelings like that can generally take some time to process, to put them into a perspective that helps the person to be more at peace with the world and the self. Good on you for doing just that.👍

You've obviously received a lot of pertinent feedback here, so I just wanted to say, perhaps be mindful of the fact that once these hurt feelings subside somewhat, the thought of wanting to resume or to reach out to her again might come creeping back.

It's something to be mentally prepared for and may pay to make a decision in advance about what you'll do if it happens. Otherwise you might wind up on the merry-go-round of recrimination and reconciliation for too long unnecessarily. It's like a self inflicted pain that only you can feel. Part of the human condition obviously but doesn't need to happen. So I guess I'm talking about setting a boundary in place. Thank you. All the best.

Thanks for saying that first part divine1966. I'm having to dismantle the my mantra "nice guys finish last" which is easier said than done. My distorted mindset is making me believe it though and it's having a harder time these days separating between what's real and what's not. Even though I am quite hardened as you could see, I think that opposite gender friendships are possible. But right now since most of those friendships that I had when I was younger are living their own lives now I'm trying to fill holes they left behind. I'm feeling inadequate that people are more successful with the opposite gender than I am.

Thanks for your support mote.of.soul. It's helpful you're encouraging me to be more forward thinking than my current way of being right now against the friend. That's why I haven't told her I didn't want to be friends anymore or blocked her on SM. And the merry-go-round analogy is the perfect descriptor as to how I'm feeling right now. I've experienced that in my relationship with my parents especially or pretty much anybody that I've wavered between wanting to be around and completely avoiding them.

Sorry for the short reply I see many others have replied before me.

She’s just too much. And she’s not reliable at all!

I say block and move on she’s shown her true colours. You don’t pull out of commitments like that for no legit reason.

I actually appreciate a short reply! Lol But I value your input as much as everyone else here.

She is starting to become a little too much for me and that's what I've noticed now.

Even though we've made up with that history she has she will probably always be prone boundary violations.

Im so sorry that your friend has treated you like that. She sound like she immature and not a good friend. She didn't have to be rude nor did she had to say those hurtful comment to you. I would just dump her as a friend because she can't be trusted and is a bully.

Thanks for your reply Buffy. I think people who are flakey aren’t mature or emotionally intelligent thus this person probably marks those boxes. Some people have told me too that she is being manipulative by treating me this way so my gut instincts were right.

That is a serious thank you, I tip my hat, and will ALWAYS remind you, or anyone else here, there is no one that should be studying to play games with you, and if that's somehow a position you are in, go full Jordan Peele, GET OUT!

If they treat you poorly now, what happens when times are tough, hell to the no!

I still have wild stereotypes about guys, that now in my mid century I have the guts to ask other males or seek other perspectives about them, without my own ******** getting in the way of trying to understand where the person or people I care about are coming from. However, if you have someone close, intimate, and giving you red flags left and right, get out before like you said, no legal marriage yet, big out there. Mistreatment is something mentally ill people have had to learn to take for granted, let alone the official notices about those who bully us. Keepeth thy head always up and going in the direction you want, that's so mean, I hope things are better for you today!! GO TEJAS.

I agree with this on so many different levels. I think a true friend is one that supports me in both the good times AND the bad. Doesn't look like this friend has been supportive in the latter.

Way to go on seeking others' perspectives in order to better yourself.

Things are about the same. I'm a little bit sour now that I have made posts earlier that caused offense and like I can't ever express my emotions without being labelled as the bad guy for doing so.