Stuck

Yes it seems that he didn’t want to go through with addiction inpatient and ran away instead. He told me a few times before that if my problem with him was weed then to just leave him and he doesn’t care. He said he loved me when he left. He pretended to want a nice goodbye but said inflammatory things right before he left so I didn’t engage. Yes it’s good he’s not here to cause more damage, then again he left me to take care of everything myself. Fine. He left for self preservation and probably to outdo me wanting a divorce. I always know if I “do something” he’ll do something three times worse.
He should be sending some money at least because he has things on auto pay from the account. He needs to pay me for them, cancel them, or put in his own new account. Then yeah child support.

I promised my daughter that I will take great care of her and we’ll enjoy our life and have fun and get through this.

There’s such conflicting feelings but I weighed this for months and pleaded with him for months with no change. I faced the truth that the only way he would treat me “well” is if I enabled him. That’s not being treated well then anyway.

I’m a single mom now. Wow.

He’s gone about 9 hrs now. I did tell him at some point don’t do rehab for me because then he’ll be annoyed with me, do it for him. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Again guilt.

I’m filled with guilt at moments and other moments I shake it off.

Yes, you're a single mom now without the burden of taking care of yet another child - a man-child, which is what your husband is. He refuses to grow up.

And yes, enabling doesn't change the real problem. It only perpetuates the problem.

Of course he said mean and inflammatory things as he walked out the door. It's his M.O.

You will find that as the hours and go by without him living under your roof, that you may soon start to feel a great sense of relief. This is a burden lifted off of your shoulders. No longer do you have to deal with his. mean, cutting remarks or his derogatory ways. Yes, you will need to take care of many details yourself, but you can always get help too with those details.

Wow is right starling. You’ve been through a lot and a huge change has happened quickly!
It would be nice if you had time to sit with this for a while, but I guess you have a lot to do and with little help.
You do have help though, I know it often feels like it’s the parents responsibility to be the rock for the child(ren), and in many ways it’s true, but through my own experience I found that I not only could but should allow myself to “lean” on my children sometimes. It was good for them to be helpful, I found they had much to offer during the difficult time spanning the divorce, and long after.
I grew up thinking that a father is a rock, impervious, invincible and i emulated that in my own fatherhood, and I never realized what I was missing until I showed my children that I can be weak and unsure, and that I could use their help at times.
I hope you and your children will support each other and that they will be a wonderful resource of hope and love for the tough times that lie ahead.
Hugs to you starling!

Hugs, thank you. My kids are getting together tomorrow, spending some special time together. My daughter and I cried together all last night. It going to be a hard day today. Luckily she already has a counseling appt today. I’m supposed to go to work and daughter asked me to stay home. I feel like I have to go in a bit today because deadlines, but maybe I can get all of tomorrow off if I tell the manager what happened.

I walk around the house this morning crying looking at things.

It’s going to take all I have to fight off guilt and fear. Or maybe I just have to sit through those and process them. It’s crazy..he rejects me so often, but I feel pain that I rejected him. That I abandoned him even though I tried, and he completely left the area. I think he just wants the comfort of his brother and a place to land, and I guess he knows he can’t make it on his own right now, and he couldn’t stand being here in the meantime when he knows I want a divorce, but I also think he did this to say let them do it without me, see when they need my help and I’m not there. Maybe that’s not part of it, who knows.

I just want to keep qualifying that I wanted to stay together, but couldn’t because I would be enabling his treating me terribly. I confronted him about things that he didn’t want me to. I said it seems he doesn’t love me by how he acts and he’d say I have no idea how he feels because he loves me so much.

If he loves you or not, his behaviour is undesirable and unreasonable, judging from what you have shared with us here. The verbal affirmation of love is not love, if you do not feel loved then it just isn’t love. Desire, need, lust, fear, many feelings wear the cloak of love to hide their true nature.
Love is never weaponized. That is usually the work of insecurity.
I hope it helps that the members here agree that your recent actions are warranted, and your feelings are absolutely reasonable and valid.

This. Times 1 million.

Hug your kids everyday. Get hugs everyday. Crying is normal. It's OK to feel what you feel. It's also ok to call on that inner strength that has been focused on keeping other people secure and focus it on yourself. It's OK to take care of yourself. You deserve to feel secure, happy and loved in action, not just words.

Deep breaths. Remember that things will settle down eventually. Try something new everyday.

Why are YOU somehow the guilty one? Because you set a firm boundary? This is HIS burden, not yours. Same as the dysfunctional ways your father chose to act out.

Something to think about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlingflock He was supposed to do his addiction intake today, but instead he’s decided to leave the state. Moving in with his bro and wiping his hands clean of this.

I think you have the summary right. If you love him, you need to recapture his heart and you do this by admitting to him that you accept him with unconditional love. You do not need to apologize or be sorry as it should be good news if you can pull back together. Just be strong - don't give up. Your shepard is not from a random voice on the internet.

X

Guilt is a tricky thing, reasoning does not always dispel it. Time helps, adjusting to a new way of living/thinking takes time.
Love, support, affirmation, all those good things help to rewrite the negative narratives in our heads
The worst thing is to feel guilty about feeling guilty 😅
It’s just another emotion to work through.

Not sure if you are suggesting she must unconditionally accept abuse ?

I think you just discredited your own voice unawareBS..

Where is this coming from? She’s been abused. Are you suggesting she endure the abuse even more? He’s left and they are now divorcing.

Starlingflock you deserve to be in a abuse-free relationship

i havent read the whole thread, but from what others have said, this sounds a bit like your saying abuse is acceptable?

abuse is never acceptable i think

Saying "i love you" doesnt mean anything unless he matches his actions to his words

He will not pay back that $1000 he took from the reserve line. He will not send you money every month. How could he? He doesn't have a job. He has no income. He never will have a job or an income. He can't get along with people well enough to hold a job . . . . . not until he finds a place of employment where everyone there will constantly kiss his behind. You know him a lot better than I do. If I'm wrong, please correct me.

He's never going to pay child support towards the upkeep of his daughter. Even if he had some income, he's not going to let your daughter's needs take precedence over what he needs for his marijuana expenditure. (That, BTW, is what's called lack of character.) Of course, I may be proven completely wrong.

Right now he's dreaming about getting half the equity in that house and in that 401K. He knows that won't be for a while. He will need money sooner than that. If there are any marital assets, or lines of credit, he can tap into, that's what he'll do.

He may even ask you for a loan. He'll say he needs the money to enable him to pursue a great job opportunity. He'll tell you how, once he gets that position, he'll be sending you monthly checks. I'm not saying this will all be a lie. He'll come up with some fantasy that he may actually believe. He'll ask you to "invest" in this great opportunity.

You might want to see if you can halt any of those automatic debits that come out for his stuff. Or . . . . see if you can transfer the money in that account over to an account that you totally control. You'ld be smart to see an attorney about putting up a financial firewall between his economic activity and yours. I think lawyers like to publish something in a paper about you not being responsible for his debts.

Also, don't go talking about your domestic problems at work. That could make your employer lose confidence in your reliability.

Your husban is going to try to rob you and your daughter of as much as he can. (It's that character thing I was telling you about. His is "bad.") Does your son have a job? If so, your husband will be hitting him up for money too. You might find it cheaper to just let hubby move back in and keep the marriage going.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything.

Start Googling: "Divorce Asset Protection" Here's a start -

How to Protect Assets in a Divorce | Gilmer Law Firm, PLLC.

He’s not going to send you money. He’s not giving you money now. Why would he send any?

True true. It’s been so out of whack.