Stuck

Thank you

Thank you! I plan to make the minimum payment if need be. Its another something to worry about but I want to protect my credit, and I don’t want this debt growing even larger than necessary. I’ll keep track of what payments I make.

He had given me some money for debts/child support, and a week later charged that same amount into debt on or shared acct. reminds me of when we were first dating, he bought me a gift, then a week later asked to borrow money, basically the same amount of the gift.

I hear he has moved in with a woman. Not surprised. Don’t care. I can feel less responsible for him now. I shouldn’t feel responsible for him at all. Things didn’t go well with him and his family he first moved in with. Not surprised.

I first worried that his new arrangement won’t go well, and what could happen next, but instead I need to think it’s not my problem.

I need to do a better job on boundaries and taking more responsibility than I should.

Well, you already know he isn’t going to change and that he will expect to be able to get his needs met from anyone he spends time with.

Going forward your concern needs to be more about taking steps to make sure he doesn’t ruin your credit or borrow against your home.

I think you should look into getting your name off that credit card because if he fails to make payments your credit rating will end up suffering.

You really need to see a lawyer to find out what legal steps you can take to protect your credit and the equity in the home.

Yes - protect yourself and your assets as much as you possibly can.

He will do the same exact things to her - trust me.

Longer you aren’t filing for divorce or legal separation more money he’ll borrow and further in trouble you’ll be. You need to see a lawyer.

It’s my birthday. I think my gift to myself is printing papers for a divorce.

Happy birthday starlingflock
Todays the celebration of the day that you came into this world!

Thank you Reptileinyourhead! And my life must go on! my world will get bigger. To happy days!

Happy day after your birthday! I hope you had a day filled with good health, happiness and hope. Wishing you many peaceful days.

Thank you rollercoasterlover. Kids and I had a birthday dinner out together and had a wonderful time. I think we were all feeling happy, had a fun time together, and we spoke of our hopes for the future, together and individually.

Im feeling much more peace daily. I am still working through some negative or painful emotions, but that is only to be expected I would imagine.

Im trying to remember to relax more, bring my stress and anxiety down, because that is what will allow me to be the best mother I can be.

I reread this whole thread this morning to refresh my memory about the last six months or so of my life, to see where I was and how it compares to where I am now. I reread my texts with him over the last couple months as well.

Filled me with a lot of anxiety and stress, but I think it was worth the revisit.

Its hasnt been all glassy seas without husband here, but has been very calm.

my son moved back home last week or so. The three of us have been very much enjoying our time together. I dont know how long he'll stay, but the kids and i have been repairing our family life together and I am loving every minute of it. Son is working a lot, daughter is doing well in school, and both are overcoming obstacles and working well through regular life challenges. The time we spend together is very normal and good.

"Husband" has been sending a couple hundred a week for like six weeks in row, so thats been helpful. We've had a couple stupid texts and a couple whatever texts. He doesnt ask about the kids, our lives or anything else. I dont ask him what he is up to. He doesnt reach out to daughter much, hasnt reached out to her at all for like 2-3 wks. she still has bad dreams of him coming back. I dont know long he can maintain his current situation. its hard to believe he could be getting along with someone for very long, unless they are a door mat, mommy type, or just like him. Or maybe they don't cross paths much.

i still agonize a bit about the house situation. i'm getting past the "guilt" of being here. i want to be comfortable, want my daughter to be comfortable, and that is okay. that is good. we should enjoy being comfortable while it lasts!!!!!

if i decide to buy him out, im not sure there is an advantage to trying to buy him out asap vs down the road like in a year. Down the road is my vote. I just want to keep watching what happens with him before I go through efforts or strap myself with a bigger payment. i want to build up my reserves.

i still need to file for divorce. I am feeling so much more secure as each week passes...

Reflecting about what you experienced and what your thoughts have been allows you to see how you psychologically built your life around your husband. His actions are revealing what his true priorities are.

Sometimes what is best is to discontinue the relationship that is keeping you from growing as a person and enjoying your life.

Thanks. the relationship was keeping me from growing and enjoying my life. it was an enormous amount of energy i spent trying to tolerate the way he was being, and trying to change the way things were going.

actually, i was not happy all along. i was regularly feeling hurt and pushing it aside. i was miserable, but less miserable with him than other miserable relationships i'd known. i look back on the head space i was in, wince.

im feeling like an old lady lately who missed out on a lot of potential joy.

i will get around to filling my life with purpose i suppose.

for now i'm cocooned. sadly ive been cocooned for decades, stuck. i hope to grow into who i'm meant to be.

Please try not to feel like old lady. I know feelings are feelings but you are full of life. You are strong and resilient. You could choose to mope in misery, you could choose helplessness and hopelessness, you could choose to depend on others but you chose action. You chose independence.

You are still young. You choose healthy life for your children and yourself. It’s ok to feel out of sorts and isolated. Give it time. You already show lots of growth. You’ll be happy. You are an inspiration to other women who might not have your strength and independent spirit. They’ll read your posts and it will help them grow. You are making a difference

Thank you divine, made me tear up and smile.
I will be fine.

i cant even describe the dynamic of husband with the family. its so ick. i dont know how it would ever get better. only if something changes in him.
he says he is being alienated and he is disrespected. says we mistreated him.
the kids wont talk to him.
my daughter still has nightmares about him regularly. cries. says she is happier after he left and asked what does that say about her.
son and him got in a nasty text exchange almost a month ago. husband texts him today like it never happened and was surprised when son said to eff off still.
he ruled things before, and that's what he's used to. used to everyone working around his feelings and giving him what he wants.
i cant or wont force the kids to converse with him. he might feel better and they would feel worse.
we barely communicate. i still falsely think at times that there could be something good between us-not romantic of course, but perhaps healing. but the truth is he talks trash. he is delusional and has issues that prevent him from making a meaningful connection with others.
he is mean. stubborn. immature. petulant.
he is angry lashes out. misses the point, thinks he knows everything.
how did he get this bad? he has always been like this i guess.
he insults me freely. said "poor thing" to me today and other crap.
as bad as he is to me, always, i still feel sorry for him or sad for him, even though im not sure what about

It’s important to listen to your children, they need to know their feelings and discomfort is important and heard.

He is learning the hard way that his choices, behavior and words have consequences. He had chances in the past to change and didn't. The hard way is now his only option and the consequences are now piling up.
You have raised young adults (i think mid teens and early 20s?) who are strong and able to say for themselves that they have reached the point of enough is enough. That is not an easy thing to accomplish given the dynamic. Encourage them to keep processing their feelings. They can't change their father, they can only change themselves. It's likely that their father will never understand that he is the one responsible. Your children and you deserve peace and happiness. Its just going to take a bit of work to find it.
How are you coping through these changes? I remember the "eye opening" days and seeing all that I had missed in the past. It can feel overwhelming in both good ways and bad ways. It's very normal to hope things can be better. Just remember that your healthier and happier place in life is for you. He must find is own.