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RollercoasterLover
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 12:43 AM
  #201
Take one step at a time.... your next step after taking a deep breath is consult an attorney. The step after that is talk to a financial planner.

Keep breathing. It's OK to cry. It's OK to feel a sense of relief. And it's OK to be scared. When you mentioned about the breaking of vows, I remembered something a friend told me when I cried about that very thing... she asked me if I vowed to ignore my own feelings and mental health, if I promised to forgo my own happiness and live in turmoil, misery and worry. It was a powerful realization to have... what was promised to me didn't happen and I never promised to endure abuse.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 01:26 AM
  #202
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
Take one step at a time.... your next step after taking a deep breath is consult an attorney. The step after that is talk to a financial planner.

Keep breathing. It's OK to cry. It's OK to feel a sense of relief. And it's OK to be scared. When you mentioned about the breaking of vows, I remembered something a friend told me when I cried about that very thing... she asked me if I vowed to ignore my own feelings and mental health, if I promised to forgo my own happiness and live in turmoil, misery and worry. It was a powerful realization to have... what was promised to me didn't happen and I never promised to endure abuse.
Thank you. I did feel relief after I told him. But also can’t stop crying. I’ve been repressing so much emotion. Nothing will really change until I file. I have to do it even though it will hurt.

He left our wedding reception to get high (friend lived a couple blocks down the street). I noticed and was a bit annoyed but tried not to care. After our wedding, I drove us to beach for our honeymoon. I was pregnant. He slept on the way. We went into our hotel and he fell right asleep. I watched tv and ate cheese and cold cuts alone until bedtime. The next morning I woke up early but he was not there. He was gone for a couple hours. No note, no phone. At first I thought maybe he was grabbing us breakfast. Then as more time went on I thought maybe he was buying me a gift. He finally returned empty handed and said he had decided to go golfing. He wasn’t even a golfer. I was confused and he was clueless like it didn’t occur to him that I would wake up and wonder wth.

Your friends words are what I have been feeling 😞
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 03:30 AM
  #203
You have been getting some sound advice. Once you have chosen to see the reality you will be opening some psychological doors that can fill you with sadness and crying is normal and may happen a lot as you move forward. You will be grieving a loss of what you hoped would happen that never took place. These hugs are not really about loving him but saying goodbye to the illusion you created of him. It’s really very much like mourning a death.

It’s important you stay clear on the reality so you don’t give him a chance to pull you back into the illusion. Now, read what I just said a few times because it’s important.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:55 AM
  #204
He said he is doing inpatient addiction treatment.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 09:40 AM
  #205
Did he share the details of that with you?
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 10:27 AM
  #206
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Originally Posted by Starlingflock View Post
He said he is doing inpatient addiction treatment.
He said that he is doing it or he is actually doing it? He’s looking for things to tell you to keep you around.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 10:27 AM
  #207
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Originally Posted by Starlingflock View Post
He said he is doing inpatient addiction treatment.
That’s what he needs to do for himself. He is not doing that for you. He has spent years using and he has not changed since your wedding nite where he chose to be selfish. He has a long journey because not only does he need to learn how to live his life sober, but he will need to take responsibility and grow up.

Statistically, most partners wait until their spouse gets on their feet and then they leave. This typically happens within three years.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 11:18 AM
  #208
What you hide from the narcissistic/controlling individual or addict dependent unhealthy person.

1. Your vulnerabilities
2. Your true feelings
3.your leverage
4.your escape plan
5. Your stash of cash
6.what you actually want in negotiation.

Your husband already knows how to manipulate you. He has been doing this for a long time.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 03:29 PM
  #209
I hope today is better than yesterday. It's OK to feel hurt, confused and anxious. It's OK to cycle from relief to angry to confused to worried and back to relief. It's all normal.

Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that today you choose you. It's quite easy when dealing with everything you are these days to forget that you are allowed to put yourself at the top of your priority list. You deserve happiness. Its ok to remind yourself everyday that you choose you to be first.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 03:37 PM
  #210
You can expect that your husband is going to make himself extremely needy and act real contrite and beg for another chance and promise to reform and play you because he knows you're compassionate and caring. He knows you very well. He'll be watching you like a hawk to see how serious you were about ending the marriage. He may stage a complete mental collapse, so you *can't possibly* walk away.

That's why I say don't talk about divorce anymore with him. It may just throw him into a panic and a whole bunch of theatrics. Or he may be holding back on all of that, until such time as he feels in imminent danger of losing shelter under your caring cloak. But it's coming.

You clearly do not want to live with this man. But you've been trying to figure out how to give yourself moral permission to leave him. The guy subjects you to daily verbal and emotional abuse (along with undermining the financial wellbeing of the family.) You have no moral obligation to just keep taking it and taking it. He could stop. Instead, he likes doing that to you. He's full of disdain and contempt, and he chooses to vent it at you. That's your moral justification right there. You have no obligation to stay in a situation where you are being crapped on. You have every right to extricate yourself from that. Actually, it's your obligation to yourself.

Yes, he will be adversely affected and his life will probably fall apart. That will be sad to watch, or know about. But you know what? That's just too darn bad. He can access resources to get himself taken care of. He can get SSDI, which would give him a secure income. The medical-psych establishment would facilitate that for him. They do it all the time. He knows how to get himself admitted to an inpatient psych facility. He's eligible for a bunch of social supports. But, no! He'ld rather get all his support from you and just drain you, until you're finally drained of your sanity. Remove that option from him. He's smart enough to figure his alternative set of options for survival. The social safety net can provide him shelter, food and medical care. But there'll be rules, and we know how much he hates following rules. Too bad. He'll learn, or he'll go cold and hungry. It'll be his choice. He'll wise up . . . because he'll have to.

I've seen so much of this, up close and personal. My father had an alcoholic brother who kept moving in with us, until my father turned him over to "the system," and my uncle did just fine. I have an alcoholic, pot addicted brother who just can't get off living on the street. I helped him access the social safety net, and all his needs were being very nicely met. Then he left town and is probably sleeping under a bridge somewhere. His choice. (He decided the cops here were picking on him. Cops pick on him wherever he goes. It's a nation-wide conspiracy.)

Your husband has a big adventure ahead of him. He can get everything he needs, without you providing it, but he's going to have to follow some rules. Let him learn that.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 06:21 PM
  #211
Hi starlingflock.

I don’t like to admit it but your husband and the married me had some similarities. Mostly the way we cope with things, being distant and unthoughtful, and the use of drugs and/or alcohol. I did my best to keep my vices from my family, especially the kids.
I would stay up late, after my wife went to bed so I could get high in peace.
I’m not proud how I neglected her, and neglect is the only form of abuse I’m guilty of, unlike your husband.
My wife gave me an ultimatum eventually, change the way I am or the marriage is done.
I couldn’t change at that time, and so it ended.
I realized many things in the years after that, it was a rough time but a time of rapid growth, and times of intense decay, but always something new to learn.
I am a very different man these days, but in some ways the same, I hope that if you leave your husband, that he too finds a path back to himself, and healing.
I agree, though with much less intensity, with the other members, that you are not responsible for the quality of his life, that is his work to do, and it is good to let, maybe in this case, leave him to do it.
I hope it turns out (if you so choose) to be the right thing for your entire family, as it was for mine.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:15 PM
  #212
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
You have been getting some sound advice. Once you have chosen to see the reality you will be opening some psychological doors that can fill you with sadness and crying is normal and may happen a lot as you move forward. You will be grieving a loss of what you hoped would happen that never took place. These hugs are not really about loving him but saying goodbye to the illusion you created of him. It’s really very much like mourning a death.

It’s important you stay clear on the reality so you don’t give him a chance to pull you back into the illusion. Now, read what I just said a few times because it’s important.
Yes I will stay clear on reality. Ive told myself the truth and im not going to lie to myself again.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:17 PM
  #213
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Did he share the details of that with you?
Not yet. He just left me a note in the middle of the night, and then wrote me a text while I was at work today saying he is doing inpatient. I don’t think he got the reaction from me he was hoping for.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:24 PM
  #214
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He said that he is doing it or he is actually doing it? He’s looking for things to tell you to keep you around.
I think he’s doing it, but he would have to stay in a long time to make a difference. He was in a week each the last two times (not specifically for addiction) and he sounded better and was determined to be sober when he came out and I don’t think it lasted a day even. He was an ***** to me when he came out the last time.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:33 PM
  #215
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
That’s what he needs to do for himself. He is not doing that for you. He has spent years using and he has not changed since your wedding nite where he chose to be selfish. He has a long journey because not only does he need to learn how to live his life sober, but he will need to take responsibility and grow up.

Statistically, most partners wait until their spouse gets on their feet and then they leave. This typically happens within three years.
He has not changed since wedding night…true. He might have died down a bit with age or medication or whatever, but he’s just as selfish. He said he was sorry on the note and text, which is something he never does. I guess he deprives apologies so he can try to whip out that magic word when he thinks it counts.
I always been very confused by his thought process and reactions, they seem very inconsistent to me. I realized today (with everyone’s help here) that when he finds something that works to get him what he wants, he just keeps doing it again and again and again, and that’s his only parameter.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:34 PM
  #216
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
What you hide from the narcissistic/controlling individual or addict dependent unhealthy person.

1. Your vulnerabilities
2. Your true feelings
3.your leverage
4.your escape plan
5. Your stash of cash
6.what you actually want in negotiation.

Your husband already knows how to manipulate you. He has been doing this for a long time.
Yes this makes perfect sense
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:36 PM
  #217
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
I hope today is better than yesterday. It's OK to feel hurt, confused and anxious. It's OK to cycle from relief to angry to confused to worried and back to relief. It's all normal.

Take a deep breath. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that today you choose you. It's quite easy when dealing with everything you are these days to forget that you are allowed to put yourself at the top of your priority list. You deserve happiness. Its ok to remind yourself everyday that you choose you to be first.
I’m feeling better today and better about myself. I’m so empathetic it really can be a problem for me. I do need to go to the top of my list. Thank you.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 08:38 PM
  #218
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
You can expect that your husband is going to make himself extremely needy and act real contrite and beg for another chance and promise to reform and play you because he knows you're compassionate and caring. He knows you very well. He'll be watching you like a hawk to see how serious you were about ending the marriage. He may stage a complete mental collapse, so you *can't possibly* walk away.

That's why I say don't talk about divorce anymore with him. It may just throw him into a panic and a whole bunch of theatrics. Or he may be holding back on all of that, until such time as he feels in imminent danger of losing shelter under your caring cloak. But it's coming.

You clearly do not want to live with this man. But you've been trying to figure out how to give yourself moral permission to leave him. The guy subjects you to daily verbal and emotional abuse (along with undermining the financial wellbeing of the family.) You have no moral obligation to just keep taking it and taking it. He could stop. Instead, he likes doing that to you. He's full of disdain and contempt, and he chooses to vent it at you. That's your moral justification right there. You have no obligation to stay in a situation where you are being crapped on. You have every right to extricate yourself from that. Actually, it's your obligation to yourself.

Yes, he will be adversely affected and his life will probably fall apart. That will be sad to watch, or know about. But you know what? That's just too darn bad. He can access resources to get himself taken care of. He can get SSDI, which would give him a secure income. The medical-psych establishment would facilitate that for him. They do it all the time. He knows how to get himself admitted to an inpatient psych facility. He's eligible for a bunch of social supports. But, no! He'ld rather get all his support from you and just drain you, until you're finally drained of your sanity. Remove that option from him. He's smart enough to figure his alternative set of options for survival. The social safety net can provide him shelter, food and medical care. But there'll be rules, and we know how much he hates following rules. Too bad. He'll learn, or he'll go cold and hungry. It'll be his choice. He'll wise up . . . because he'll have to.

I've seen so much of this, up close and personal. My father had an alcoholic brother who kept moving in with us, until my father turned him over to "the system," and my uncle did just fine. I have an alcoholic, pot addicted brother who just can't get off living on the street. I helped him access the social safety net, and all his needs were being very nicely met. Then he left town and is probably sleeping under a bridge somewhere. His choice. (He decided the cops here were picking on him. Cops pick on him wherever he goes. It's a nation-wide conspiracy.)

Your husband has a big adventure ahead of him. He can get everything he needs, without you providing it, but he's going to have to follow some rules. Let him learn that.
You’re very right rose. I see him above me too often and I’ve let him take me over.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 09:13 PM
  #219
Hard love isn’t easy, but sometimes enabling addicts prevents them from ever hitting the rock bottom. He never needed to try. Maybe he will now or maybe he won’t. . But it has to be up to him.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 09:22 PM
  #220
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead View Post
Hi starlingflock.

I don’t like to admit it but your husband and the married me had some similarities. Mostly the way we cope with things, being distant and unthoughtful, and the use of drugs and/or alcohol. I did my best to keep my vices from my family, especially the kids.
I would stay up late, after my wife went to bed so I could get high in peace.
I’m not proud how I neglected her, and neglect is the only form of abuse I’m guilty of, unlike your husband.
My wife gave me an ultimatum eventually, change the way I am or the marriage is done.
I couldn’t change at that time, and so it ended.
I realized many things in the years after that, it was a rough time but a time of rapid growth, and times of intense decay, but always something new to learn.
I am a very different man these days, but in some ways the same, I hope that if you leave your husband, that he too finds a path back to himself, and healing.
I agree, though with much less intensity, with the other members, that you are not responsible for the quality of his life, that is his work to do, and it is good to let, maybe in this case, leave him to do it.
I hope it turns out (if you so choose) to be the right thing for your entire family, as it was for mine.
Thank you reptileinyourhead. I appreciate you telling me. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out although it sounds like you believe it was right in the end. I’m glad you’re the same but different. I’m the same but different too.

I also hope he finds a way back to himself because I do know he is that little hurt kid. I’ve been there as he’s healed in many ways, or as he’s processed the truth of things he hidden from for self preservation.

Whenever I am responsible he is annoyed. He really can’t stand me expecting him to be responsible. He openly admits he doesn’t do things just because sometimes asks or wants him to. It’s impossible to work with, and he doesn’t want it any other way. It’s so frustrating that I would give up and try to see things his way. I have very little to show for it. 😕
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