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Blush Nov 19, 2022 at 10:42 AM
  #361
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
It’s important to listen to your children, they need to know their feelings and discomfort is important and heard.
Yes. while i am careful not to say how i feel about their dad to them, i listen to their feelings about him, etc.
when the kids have tried to be heard by their dad, he will not care, he outright says their feelings arent important. he recently has sent a couple fluff messages to daughter about her resiliency, beauty, etc., and she was confused why he was sending her such messages. i offered that perhaps he is wanting to give a good dad pep talk, or give her compliments. she thinks its likely manipulation and i cant disagree with her.
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Default Nov 19, 2022 at 11:35 AM
  #362
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
He is learning the hard way that his choices, behavior and words have consequences. He had chances in the past to change and didn't. The hard way is now his only option and the consequences are now piling up.
You have raised young adults (i think mid teens and early 20s?) who are strong and able to say for themselves that they have reached the point of enough is enough. That is not an easy thing to accomplish given the dynamic. Encourage them to keep processing their feelings. They can't change their father, they can only change themselves. It's likely that their father will never understand that he is the one responsible. Your children and you deserve peace and happiness. Its just going to take a bit of work to find it.
How are you coping through these changes? I remember the "eye opening" days and seeing all that I had missed in the past. It can feel overwhelming in both good ways and bad ways. It's very normal to hope things can be better. Just remember that your healthier and happier place in life is for you. He must find is own.
thanks!
the day-to-day living is so nice compared to when we lived together. so thats what i pay attention to most.
i dont think i missed much in the past. sadly i was aware of how it was yet tolerated it and even learned to enjoy it, find purpose in it. it was my life method that i applied to the wrong thing. ethic is no good without boundaries. also, i was cripplingly afraid and anxious in the past.
i hope my boundaries have improved. i am monitoring myself closely, noticing how i accommodate when i shouldnt, or give away my comfort unnecessarily.
right now things are pretty easy so i am really trying to remember to enjoy it all and not worry about too much.
i am not afraid like i used to be i guess because im not around someone scary.
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Default Nov 19, 2022 at 11:53 AM
  #363
he scares and worries me. i want to help him so he stops scaring and worrying me.
but i feel waaay less responsible for him--nearly not at all.
he is so far away its a bit out of sight out of mind for me. so i guess thats why i am coping well right now.
i am much happier, but still on edge.
i am edging closer towards fulfilling activities.
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Default Nov 19, 2022 at 02:55 PM
  #364
You cannot fix him. He is also showing by his behaviors that he doesn’t care. You daughter sees this about him. You are also realizing how much better things are with him not there.

As time passes you will feel much healthier without him.
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Default Nov 19, 2022 at 07:46 PM
  #365
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You cannot fix him. He is also showing by his behaviors that he doesn’t care. You daughter sees this about him. You are also realizing how much better things are with him not there.

As time passes you will feel much healthier without him.
most definitely i feel healthier without him. i feel like a normal person instead of a person engaging in an toxic relationship. i know i cant get through to him.
he cares in some way, but i guess however he cares is more for him than us.
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Default Dec 14, 2022 at 02:47 AM
  #366
its been much less contact with estranged husband. i now hear from him so little that i even hear from his family more often than him. part of me thinks its good to keep up relationships with them, part of me thinks they are toxic too and i should avoid them. theyre cut from the same cloth. and they either say something to annoy me, or tell me about something that annoys me.

he's in toxic tangles with his parents. 0r, maybe it will be different with them this time..
not my business.

i have to be okay with him sabotaging himself. he had to take a couple days off work-why? was it because he talked to his dad and spun out? could have been anything else, so i wont speculate. maybe he got fired. he didnt tell me the reason, so i figure he wasnt sick or he wouldve said so.

i heard he apologized to his dad. ridiculous. sad. maybe his dad deserves (definitely didnt earn) forgiveness, but to apologize to his dad? whatever.

again. not my business.
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Default Feb 03, 2023 at 01:24 AM
  #367
"husband" has been out of work for awhile and stopped sending support the last couple months. today, i reminded him via text about the small debt payment that he owes on the account in both our names, by the upcoming due date. its like 34 dollars minimum payment. he texted back saying he cant pay it because he has no money and no job right now, but he hopes to be employed soon.

i didnt respond.

so i guess i'll have to pay it or get a late fee on the account that my name is on....

good thing i put that account in pay down status because i am sure he'd have it maxed out by now. He told me before i shut it down that he would charge up debt on our account however he wanted to and i was an idiot to care because he told me he is responsible to pay it off, so why would i worry about it, except to want to control him.

the way he is, he will let the 1k debt become 100k if it was possible through late fees and no payments.

he then abruptly texted: "you only ever wanted someone who would conform to your desired specifications. it took you 20 years to realize i was telling the truth. that i don't want to conform. that i do what i want."

i was just trying to find out about the payment.

he said "duh" his observation was not about the debt or money, but a "short summary of our marriage."

he said this through more texts over several hours: "have you filed for that divorce yet? seems like you could have got that done asap. super weird you've waited so long. holding out for a miracle? laughy face. remember you sht canned me.

"you tried so many different narratives to get me to do something worthy of divorcing me. tenacious.

"your sad life. just...like...your...mom. ask stupid questions get stupid answers. bye. its dirty what you did. true manipulation from a very manipulative woman. now you can find a real man like [my mom's pervert husband] to make you happy. just like your mom did.

"sweet dreams."

what scares me is i don't know wtf he is talking about. is he out of his mind? my god how much does he hate me?

my guess is someone is challenging him, and he in turn is blaming me and justifying lashing out at me.

what did i want him to conform to? i really don't know. i would ask him, but i am no longer delusional enough to believe that would be fruitful.
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Default Feb 03, 2023 at 03:14 AM
  #368
I am sorry. He sounds delusional and I think these drunk/high messages. You can’t reason with him.
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Default Feb 03, 2023 at 03:57 AM
  #369
Sounds like he is projecting his guilt on you and twisting things around to blame you for his failings.

Don’t engage him when he does this.
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 01:51 PM
  #370
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I am sorry. He sounds delusional and I think these drunk/high messages. You can’t reason with him.
I cant reason with him. And i always must remember that or I'll be pulled into his chaos. His messages are still haunting me in a way. I dont give weight to his opinions or accusations anymore, it seems. but his intention was to hurt me, and his words did hurt, and they left a bruise.

Hes mean. vengeful. obsessive in his thoughts and habits.
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 02:24 PM
  #371
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Sounds like he is projecting his guilt on you and twisting things around to blame you for his failings.

Don’t engage him when he does this.
i wont engage him. staying resolute. i dont need to defend myself to him, or say anything for the record, or ask him if he is okay. I dont need to lash back at him either. for all the nasty things hes said to me, i dont think ive really said anything nasty to him? i think ive always been careful of his feelings. walking on egg shells. the worst ive done is tell him the truth--that his behavior is harmful to himself and our family, and i asked him to address it.

thanks open eyes. it felt like projecting and blaming. as his texts rolled in, i was thinking he makes me his scapegoat.

hes reckless. he could have electrocuted us all with his bathroom plans he was working on almost up until the day he left. yet he thought on some level that his plan was working. he thought hed make his family shut up by fixing the bathroom. in his quick fix he could have killed us. i asked him to sober up, get help, get on track, and his answer was to "fix" the bathroom. he tore apart the bathroom right before his breakdown five or six years ago. he thought fixing it was the way to repair his breakdown. i didnt believe that, he did. the bathroom has been torn apart for years. still is. he didnt want me doing anything about it. he didnt want anyone else fixing it. he controlled it like it was synonymous with his mental health and behavior.

he is not ready to do the trauma work. he couldnt do it around our family, too dangerous for us all.

i dont know whats next for him. things will likely get worse. im thinking of selling some personal property and sending him half the money.

he threw his little tantrum on the text and i guess im still thinking how to make him feel better.
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 02:25 PM
  #372
Please do not send him money
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 02:43 PM
  #373
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Please do not send him money
Thank you divine!! I was starting to think its the right thing to do...
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 07:54 PM
  #374
No don’t send him money, that only will open a bad door to him using you and crying poor me.

Use your money for yourself and keep working on being independent for YOU.
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 08:05 PM
  #375
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Thank you divine!! I was starting to think its the right thing to do...
Nope.

He is the one who is supposed to send you money for child support, not the other way around. There is no unemployment now. There’s a shortage in every field. There is zero reason for not working nowadays, unless on disability or retired or full time in school or taking care of young children.

If people choose not to work, then they make a choice to live in poverty. But of course they want the rest of us to bail them out every time, while they begrudge us being able to afford nice things. Shame.

Don’t send anything. He needs to figure things out like the rest of the world does
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 08:31 PM
  #376
Who cares what he says or thinks. This person brings NOTHING to the table, isn’t even paying child support. Get the court after him so when he does manage to drag himself out to work he can be garnished.
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Default Feb 05, 2023 at 02:57 PM
  #377
Thanks everyone. i will continue detaching from him.
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Default Feb 06, 2023 at 11:00 PM
  #378
he sent me another couple of messages this morning.

"i hope your life is exactly how you dreamt it to be without me in it all those years."

"Actually no. that would mean you were getting exactly what you wanted. So, i hope you huff and puff, be disappointed, dissatisfied, envious of your successful friends, etc. random emoji."

I finally wrote back this evening asking me why he is sending me these messages, is he trying to bait me into defending myself.

he said " i dont care one bit. it was for me."

i said "so you can pretend i did you wrong. and insult me in the process. i don't appreciate you lashing out at me calling me manipulative and being inflammatory. insulting me several times. even talking about [moms pervert husband]."

so far no response and he probably wont say anything to that. too reasonable. too normal.

at least i hope my messages were reasonable? i could block him or tell him to f off but i feel better keeping the line a bit open and clean as possible since we have kids and property.

I tried not to engage, but i had like an ulcer today from his messages. my stomach was burning and i was feeling other bad body feelings. and i was having trouble concentrating. i looked up the body symptoms i was having and it seems like it was fear. i dont want to be afraid of him. i dont want to live my life in fear. i think i have been on edge all weekend from his messages. i had to say something.
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Default Feb 07, 2023 at 12:56 AM
  #379
He sounds very self absorbed. Guess his relation and access to work didn’t work out for him. He is throwing anger and blame at you. These bouts of anger often don’t make sense and not true.
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Default Feb 07, 2023 at 05:18 AM
  #380
He is miserable and senses that your life is going just fine, so he is trying to upset you in hopes you’d be just as miserable as him. Some miserable people (those miserable due to their own wrong doings) can’t stand a thought that others might be content and at peace let alone happy..

I recommend you file for divorce or at least legal separation so there would be child support order and he’d have to pay it. It’s not optional to support one’s children. Working also isn’t optional for the majority of us, regular people. You want to eat, you work. He knows you’ll take care of your kids while he’s doing who knows what. He has to be financially responsible for his minor child
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