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rlacksgh2498
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Default May 06, 2022 at 03:20 PM
  #1
Hi I was wondering if anyone in here is going through the same as me

We’ve been dating for more than 10 months now and started talking about marriage/future

But then very recently my gf’s depression and panic disorder came back. She was free for couple of years and as recently came back to what I believe is from extreme stress

Now she wants to rethink our relationship as she dosent want me to see the other side of her and doesnt want me to break

I was wondeing if anyone here has a s/o who has the same illness

How you guys are doing

What did you guys try and what failed?

If you are married, did you know about the situation before marrying?

Did marriage help?

Are you regretting it?

I want to know what others think about this
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Default May 06, 2022 at 09:11 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry that you are in the situation you describe.

My experiences, which are VERY limited, have shown me that a lot depends on whether the other person is medicated and stable on the medication. A lot can depend on whether the person is in the care of a helpful therapist and has reliable coping skills.

Sadly, my experiences are so limited that I don't believe that you or anyone could depend on them for insight. I wish this wasn't the case and I hope that others here with similar experiences to yours, others here with more knowledge, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and reach out to you.

You are in a difficult situation and the burden must be so heavy to bear. I do hope things get better for you and want to tell you that I am sorry that I cannot really be helpful and also tell you that my heart really goes out to you.
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Default May 07, 2022 at 02:10 AM
  #3
Sadly often times when the person says that they are rethinking a relationship because… insert anything on this planet… busy at work, developed illnesses, old illnesses came back, tired, too busy, not ready etc etc means they want out and have to come up with a plausible excuse to make a break up easier. Not saying it’s always the case but it usually is.

My husband has Tourette’s with severe OCD/anxiety and he does get some panic attacks related to anxiety. Yes I knew it I think on a third date. It’s a none issue for me or our marriage. It runs in their family. It is what it is. People have all kind of health things. No one is 100% healthy.

I don’t know how marriage could help or not help. Marriage isn’t a solution for whatever issues, health or otherwise. I don’t think you should enter marriage in hopes to heal her. It doesn’t work this way. She should take care of her health by seeing a doctor, going to therapy. Perhaps she needs meds. You can’t fix her. health.

But then again if she is reconsidering the whole thing, i don’t think thinking of marriage is wise. You should only marry when both you are 100% sure. Why not just date for awhile. What’s the rush?
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Default May 07, 2022 at 09:30 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
I'm so sorry that you are in the situation you describe.

My experiences, which are VERY limited, have shown me that a lot depends on whether the other person is medicated and stable on the medication. A lot can depend on whether the person is in the care of a helpful therapist and has reliable coping skills.

Sadly, my experiences are so limited that I don't believe that you or anyone could depend on them for insight. I wish this wasn't the case and I hope that others here with similar experiences to yours, others here with more knowledge, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and reach out to you.

You are in a difficult situation and the burden must be so heavy to bear. I do hope things get better for you and want to tell you that I am sorry that I cannot really be helpful and also tell you that my heart really goes out to you.
Hey, Thank you for your support, just having someone giving me encouraging words help a lot in a time like this
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Default May 07, 2022 at 09:35 AM
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Sadly often times when the person says that they are rethinking a relationship because… insert anything on this planet… busy at work, developed illnesses, old illnesses came back, tired, too busy, not ready etc etc means they want out and have to come up with a plausible excuse to make a break up easier. Not saying it’s always the case but it usually is.

My husband has Tourette’s with severe OCD/anxiety and he does get some panic attacks related to anxiety. Yes I knew it I think on a third date. It’s a none issue for me or our marriage. It runs in their family. It is what it is. People have all kind of health things. No one is 100% healthy.

I don’t know how marriage could help or not help. Marriage isn’t a solution for whatever issues, health or otherwise. I don’t think you should enter marriage in hopes to heal her. It doesn’t work this way. She should take care of her health by seeing a doctor, going to therapy. Perhaps she needs meds. You can’t fix her. health.

But then again if she is reconsidering the whole thing, i don’t think thinking of marriage is wise. You should only marry when both you are 100% sure. Why not just date for awhile. What’s the rush?
100% not going to make marriage as a solution. I know for the fact that I cannot treat this illness myself as I am no doctor. Even if she is rethinking about our relationship, it will most likely do to symptoms she is having, meaning her depression and panic disorder's is showing symptoms in emotional and physical actions.

She said she will rethink but I will never give up on her that she will never recover. I want to be able to give aid for her to get treatment. I want to go to the doctors with her, if she can't do it alone, even, if she can't make an appointment I'll do it for her. I want to be part of her life and witness that she is getting the actual legitimate treatment this time. From meds, to CBT and other things, like cutting off caffeine and alcohol.

After all of that and she becomes better, then we can slowly talk about our futures again.
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Default May 08, 2022 at 08:23 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by rlacksgh2498 View Post
100% not going to make marriage as a solution. I know for the fact that I cannot treat this illness myself as I am no doctor. Even if she is rethinking about our relationship, it will most likely do to symptoms she is having, meaning her depression and panic disorder's is showing symptoms in emotional and physical actions.

She said she will rethink but I will never give up on her that she will never recover. I want to be able to give aid for her to get treatment. I want to go to the doctors with her, if she can't do it alone, even, if she can't make an appointment I'll do it for her. I want to be part of her life and witness that she is getting the actual legitimate treatment this time. From meds, to CBT and other things, like cutting off caffeine and alcohol.

After all of that and she becomes better, then we can slowly talk about our futures again.
Just a thought from my own personal experience (not saying it applies to yours but may be worth observing or bring aware of)

If she is rethinking the relationship....don't pressure her that you will be there to give her aid. If she is rethinking the relationship that may be the last thing she wants or needs.

I was married & after 20 years of being around him & other things that hit in my life, I ended up with major depression & anxiety. 13 years at the end of our marriage I struggled with this & I didn't realize at the time but the Sui attempts were really my desire to escape (not a physically abusive marriage) It wasn't till after I left that I had time to really analyze how I felt & realized that it was the relationship that was feeding the depression & anxiety. I was then living 2100 miles away so no chance of him being a part of my life at that point, but when someone tells you they want to rethink the relationship....RESPECT their need cause a relationship isn't just about what YOU want. Usually when someone says that it is already because they have issues with the relationship & are trying to be as kind as possible in ending it & maybe she needs to know if the relationship is adding to her depression & anxiety. Only way she will know for sure is by taking time totally away. In my case, my depression & anxiety lifted as soon as I moved away to my farm. That was my sure sign as to how the marriage relationship had actually been negatively effecting me. Give her space. If she rethinking & realizes the relationship was not the problem than it will turn out how you want it to

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Default May 09, 2022 at 11:18 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post

If she rethinking & realizes the relationship was not the problem than it will turn out how you want it to
I think that's really an eye-opener.

I can't represent her depression nor I am in her shoes to know what's truly going on.

I am speaking from non-experienced person only basing my facts from clinical researches that her extreme load of stress comes from work is causing the issue.

If she really feels like staying away from me relieves her, I guess I need to move on..

Thank you
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Default May 09, 2022 at 11:47 AM
  #8
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If she really feels like staying away from me relieves her, I guess I need to move on..

Thank you
Give her a chance to see if it is any part of her depression/anxiety first before moving on. I knew within a couple of months because I could feel my depression & anxiety go & realized I didn't even miss him or actually think about him after 33 years married to him. I would think she would be able to realize fairly quickly.....but you just need to be prepared that it might not go the way you expected..but it might be all OK also. Decision how to deal with the possibilities is a personal one only you can make. (BTW, there was no one else in my life either....still isn't after all these years cause I need my peace....but that was me).

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Default May 09, 2022 at 01:58 PM
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Give her a chance to see if it is any part of her depression/anxiety first before moving on. I knew within a couple of months because I could feel my depression & anxiety go & realized I didn't even miss him or actually think about him after 33 years married to him. I would think she would be able to realize fairly quickly.....but you just need to be prepared that it might not go the way you expected..but it might be all OK also. Decision how to deal with the possibilities is a personal one only you can make. (BTW, there was no one else in my life either....still isn't after all these years cause I need my peace....but that was me).
Yeah I'm just gonna let her be and let her just focus on herself until things calm down a bit.

When she was talking about rethinking about our relationship, she still told me that she loves me in that situation. So it's so hard to give up with those words.

But if she realize that I'm part of it, I should respect it..
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Default May 09, 2022 at 03:06 PM
  #10
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When she was talking about rethinking about our relationship, she still told me that she loves me in that situation. So it's so hard to give up with those words.
That is a good sign cause by the time I left it had built up to the point all I felt was anger toward him to the point I actually saw red. That was scary for me.

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Default May 09, 2022 at 05:37 PM
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That is a good sign cause by the time I left it had built up to the point all I felt was anger toward him to the point I actually saw red. That was scary for me.
Well I'm glad that your red lens is off of your eyes.

Hopefully I can keep my relationship with my GF going strong....
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Default May 10, 2022 at 06:45 AM
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Well I'm glad that your red lens is off of your eyes.

Hopefully I can keep my relationship with my GF going strong....
Just give her the time & space cause pushing it can push her away rather than bringing her closer. Doesn't mean not checking in to see how she is doing to let her know you care but the other things you suggested at this point could definitely look like disrespecting her request to have time to rethink

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Default May 10, 2022 at 11:59 AM
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Just give her the time & space cause pushing it can push her away rather than bringing her closer. Doesn't mean not checking in to see how she is doing to let her know you care but the other things you suggested at this point could definitely look like disrespecting her request to have time to rethink
Yeah I am definitely going to respect her wishes. I am sure she will reach back to me once time comes. Me worrying about this right now wont do anything. Its actually going to affect my mental health as well.

So I am just going to let her be and mine my business for now.

But for the time being, I want to believe this all happened due to the business trip. She was on it for 2 months. 14 hr difference. It was supposed to be for 3 weeks but with quarantine, even before going to the trip she said she was feeling down. The covid process was so ****** with her destination country, so she had to guess and pray that nothing goes wrong once she arrives there, she was stuck at the airbnb for a week for the quarantine, online class back from here in USA, then had to work remotely due to covid at work, went to doctor's for general check up and found several things like in her thyroid, tonsil, helicobacter pylori etc. So she had to stay there for another 4 weeks to get treated. While she was moving to a different airbnb, had to carry all those heavy luggage by herself just to realize that the place was f-ed up. On top of that she was tested positive for covid during the last week for the trip. Then when she finally came back, her boss talked about potential promotion to different department as a manager, or a raise. If she becomes the manager, her work and life balance will be totally different, frequent business trip where it will affect our relationship. Her HQ is moving to the west, etc and etc. Her brother was staying at her house while she was away and the place was trashed, smelled like cigarette and weed, her dog's face and butt was f-ed up because her brother only fed the dog wet food. Poop and pee stains everywhere on the carpet. She already has poor work and life balance, She does late night meetings at 10PM at least twice a week. Plus studies show that the corona virus can cause depression as due to attacking the nervous system even months after recovery. Lastly she hasnt had a time to spend just for herself after coming back here even though she was getting treated and getting recovered during the trip.
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Default May 10, 2022 at 12:47 PM
  #14
Yep, that does sound exhausting, stressful & anxiety causing & a need for time just to get life back together again before adding back in other life requirements. I would definitely hold onto hope & time just for her to recover from all that stress

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Default May 10, 2022 at 03:13 PM
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Yep, that does sound exhausting, stressful & anxiety causing & a need for time just to get life back together again before adding back in other life requirements. I would definitely hold onto hope & time just for her to recover from all that stress
I believe that things will be back the way it used to be i know it. I know shes a strong girl and she will be able to come back from it. Im not losing my hope.
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Default May 10, 2022 at 03:28 PM
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You've got some good feedback.

Just wanted to add that clinical depression and anxiety are not usually conditions that can be cured or recovered from. In my case, major depressive disorder is a chronic illness that I will have to manage my whole life with the help of therapy and peer support.

There are ups and downs, so you may have met her during a good period. But it can be a bit of a roller coaster, both for the person who has a mental illness and for loved ones. You might have to think about if that's something you are ready for.

Also, have you looked for any support for yourself? That National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) has free support groups and classes specifically for the family and friends of the mentally ill. That might be something you would find helpful no matter what happens with this relationship.
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Default May 10, 2022 at 05:15 PM
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The question may be as to if she was dealing with depression & anxiety before everything that happened on her business trip?

Situational depression can look exactly like the chronic major depressive order. The mental health providers I had didn't specify between situational or not even though I had never experienced it before. After it hit, it lasted for so many years (13+) & they had no clue how to sort through all the situations that started it let alone a long term condition that had fed into the breakdown when it happened. When you have lived with something that actually feeds into a breakdown you have no clue because after a long time, it becomes a normal in your life until that "straw that breaks the camels back" happens in your life. Situational & clinical(cronic) have the same outward symptoms. Only way I knew was because I was finally able to walk away from the situation & the person & the depression didn't follow me across the country. Took me a few years to process it all in therapy & learn new skills so it would not happen again.

Guess if even mental health professionals can't figure it out, only those of us in our own lives can with time & experience based of what we understand within our own lives. Wish it was more obvious because I thought life would never change during those years & I gave up many times

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Default May 10, 2022 at 06:22 PM
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There are ups and downs, so you may have met her during a good period. But it can be a bit of a roller coaster, both for the person who has a mental illness and for loved ones. You might have to think about if that's something you are ready for.
I think that is the reason why I am trying more. Because I witnessed how beautiful this girl was. How happy, loving, she is and I felt so much love from her. Because I know how truly she is, I fell in love with her and seriously thought about our future together.

I have not heard of nami.org that will be a really great resource for me. Thank you.
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Default May 10, 2022 at 06:27 PM
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The question may be as to if she was dealing with depression & anxiety before everything that happened on her business trip?

That's something that I will find out once she returns back to me. Again, I want to believe that the tsunami of stress that came from the business trip was the issue. Hopefully she can find the answers before they go too deep to decipher.

I wish it was so easy like just taking a vitamin pill.
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Default May 10, 2022 at 06:49 PM
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I wish it was so easy like just taking a vitamin pill.
That would be nice. In my case they experimented with all the different psych drugs & I had horrible side effects to them all & most made my situation worse so never could use meds. They would put me in a psych hospital just to try drugs others could just take because they needed to medically monitor if I had a bad reaction. It sure would have been nice to just have a magic wand in my situation. Even therapy was pointless for me until I moved to this small town & found the best T ever who finally helped figure it all out

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