what might be wrong with my mother? is this anxiety?

The word "wrong" may not be a good choice for my subject. But I just had a very frustrating interaction with my mother and I'm just wondering (not for the first time) if she has some actual issue beyond an extremely difficult personality.

So...my father is currently in the hospital. My mother is alone at home. I offered to travel home to be with her for a few days, but she said no. A day after my father was hospitalized, she started coughing. I actually didn't entirely believe she was sick at the beginning...but OK, she definitely caught something.

Lots of annoying things have happened as a result of her being home alone for the first time in so long. But I want to talk about what happened just now--her taking a COVID test.

She took one a few days ago with my father's help over zoom and it was negative. But she kept on obsessing about how she may have put 3 drops instead of 4 on the cassette.

So when I heard she was told she'd have to take antivirals immediately if she was positive, I was like, "OK, let's do another test right away, so you can start taking them if you're positive." And I kind of expected a positive result because she was really coughing... This is where the nightmare started. She resisted this suggestion for several hours, wanting the test to be supervised by my father, but he's been busy so she finally asked me to help her. Why she can't just follow the instructions is already weird to me. So I sent her a zoom link to do it and called her to help her join the zoom. She was like "I don't know, maybe I should wait for your father." And I'm like "I just stopped everything I was doing and created the link and am sitting here just waiting for you to join--if you didn't want me to help you do it, why are you wasting my and your time??" And she was like, "Yes, ok, let's do it..."

Like I said, she aleady did a COVID test 2 days ago with my father's supervision. Nevertheless, she couldn't figure out how to open the floflex box. I was taken aback; I've taken several of these tests before and I didn't even remember opening the box. It was like five minutes of her hysterically struggling with the box... I looked up online videos--they don't even cover opening the box, that's how easy it's supposed to be. I'm like, "mom, remove the tape and it should just open...ok is there an opening on the side...etc." Finally she got it...somehow...and I was like "gosh what is going on here..."

Every step from there was me trying to tell her to do something and her contradicting me or asking me repeatedly was I timing it, had I started timing it, or not understanding what I was saying. At one point, I'm like "mom it just needs to be wet with your mucus, you don't have to fixate so much on the 15 seconds per nostril" and she almost started crying that those numbers are very important to her and I can't tell her to do it wrong. I actually couldn't convince her to swab her nose, but my father joined the zoom around then. His trick was actually counting for her out loud: "one, two, three" so that she would know how many seconds had gone by and her circles were like timed to his counts.

Then we're like, "OK, put the tip in the tube" and she's like "put it in the tube? are you sure?" and we're like "put it in the tube" and she's like "but for how long? are you timing it?" and it just went back and forth until he and I were really yelling at her "PUT IT IN THE TUBE!" Same for getting her to remove it from the tube...

Finally she loaded the cassette with her four drops and I set the timer for 15 minutes and my father and I started chatting, except that every 30 seconds she was interrupting to ask how much time was left... Finally I was like "OK, the timer I set has an alarm, but I see we can't talk while it goes, so I'll just stare at it counting down silently and tell you." This sort of appeased her...

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Maybe this is just what extreme anxiety looks like, but a friend who overheard the conversation was asking me if my mom might have dementia... She's always been like this though (not so extreme maybe), so I don't think it's dementia...

In general--I'm really surprised by how helpless my mother is when my father is absent. Also, she's really not able or willing to do things independently, but she doesn't listen to anyone around her either. It's weird. She doesn't drive on highways and has been begging various people to help her with things. But when I suggest anything, she's derisive and sarcastic about my solutions, to the point that I've finally started responding to her complaints with, "You figure it out."

Is anyone familiar with this type?

I can definitely identify with the situation you describe from my own family situation. Although I can't say that all the details of what you describe match mine, I definitely struggle with the same kinds of issues. It can be incredibly frustating and demoralizing.

I wish I had some brilliant advice to share but sadly I am in constant struggle and am just taking it day by day and sometimes minute by minute. My heart goes out to you.

Sounds like cognitive issues (dementia)

I might suggest she get tested for dementia except I know she'll lose her temper and refuse. But also, I just don't think it's dementia. She does all kinds of activities without any problem--reading groups, art, religious study stuff, etc. Her memory and performance there all seem fine. Also, she's ALWAYS been like this, to a point. My father and I both feel like she actively tries to be difficult. Also, I think if I were really nasty to her and told her to do it herself and insulted her for being stupid that she can't even do a COVID kit on her own--she would manage it fine probably and then sort of attack me back that I'm a horrible person but fine she doesn't need me and I'll be sad one day when she's dead and I no longer have the chance to help her. So I do think there's an element of manipulation here, but I don't think she's conscious of it... But yeah...at the same time, today seemed abnormal... I really don't know.

Oh also--she's not even 70 and her family has no history of dementia. All her siblings are much older than her and none of them have any signs.

DoraMona, I can relate to the theme of your thread. I'm guessing your mother is in seventies, or even eighties. This type of behaviour is often associated with early onset dementia, rightly or wrongly. Because of heightened awareness, it's very easy to arrive at this conclusion.

However, in my own experiences, my mother is a complex person. She's been a widow for over 30 years so well used to fending for herself. Her problem is she obsesses about things. Exploring every angle and trying to imagine what she would do in situations that never materialise. Then there's the attention seeking. Not a new problem!

For years, she's claimed to be depressed. Was most upset when a doctor told her she wasn't. She's tried to control me throughout my life (am now mid-60s) yet still expects my ear when she wants to criticise another family member.

Your mother may be anxious because your father is in hospital and is probably missing his presence. Then again, you could be dealing with the same kind of complex person that I am. All I can offer is my own experiences for comparison.

Tell her to do covid tests at the pharmacy. Walk in inside or drive through. No need to stress out about boxes

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm a little less agitated than I was earlier in the day. My father is coming home today (tomorrow? It's late at night now) and she asked me to help her do one more covid test at her 6am which is my 5am. I said sure but my SO told me hell no don't agree to that. So I decided to force her to do it a few hours later so I can get a proper night of sleep, which I'm sure will cause some big fight in which she tells me she hasn't slept a wink since my father was hospitalized, etc. Oh well, I'm tired of going along with/placating her. I'm really not sure what to do about her in general, as I watch her personality become more difficult, irrational and needy. But one day at a time, starting with not getting up at 5am tomorrow to walk her through another covid kit...

DoraMona, thanks for clarifying your mother's age. She sounds a similar type to mine!

Our reactions are different because we are dealing with a blood relative. Mothers are supposed to nurture, yet many fall short of this expectation. They still believe that despite the hostile behaviour, we'll forget this and respond to their every need.

Your SO is right. When dealing with someone like your mother (and mine!), it's important to set boundaries. Okay, it may not work all the time but at least you have control over how you react. Hope the time delay for the test works. Unfortunately, it's likely you will need to employ this strategy many times (in differing scenarios) to ensure you remain in control of you own needs (such as sleep).

You have absolutely done the right thing in refusing to get up at 5 am to help your mother with the test. Why on earth would she need to do it that early?

I recognise this helplessness from both my mum and my grandmother. I think my granddad did everything for my grandma so she never learned to do things on her own. Never had any interest in it either. When he died, her kids took over in basically managing her life.
I suspect maybe my mum has learned that behaviour from my grandma (her mother). Both of them are very quick to say something is too complicated for them without even giving it a try.

Not sure if this is much help because I absolutely cannot understand it, but there are several possible underlying issues that might cause it. Anxiety, low self esteem, motivation issues.

It's very frustrating watching someone act so helpless without even trying. But if they don't see they have a problem, all you can do it set boundaries for yourself, keep taking care of yourself and do not get lost in taking care of them.

My mom, for all that she's helpless and has a lot of difficulty making decisions, also tries to control everything and doesn't accept other people's advice. Did your mom and grandmother conflict with their kids and disagree with their decisions/advice all the time? Or did they just go with the flow?

I resonate with this and feel for you.

This could be cognitive as someone suggested. Maybe the start of Alzheimer's as dementia impacts memory. Although 2 sides of the same coin, A and D seem to go hand I hand as A can develop into D.

My mum is similar. Although not tested (A and D are strong on my family) her cognitive abilities have declined. She's 67 and will fixate on seemingly minor details such as your mother and the timings etc.

Hope you're ok