I'm sorry.

I don't know where to start or even what to say so this will most likely just be a vent piece so I don't make myself go insane. I have be with my significant other for 7 years now. We have 2 beautiful children, one of our own. I started dating her when she was pregnant with her first. I was there for her ultrasounds, the gender reveal even the hardships of almost losing her baby and herself. She has been my daughter for the last 7 years and will stay my daughter forever. We then started having relationship issues shortly after and ended up splitting up but after being with her through the pregnancy and the birth of my daughter I couldn't let them go. I fought and poured my heart out for them and she ended up taking me back. I had my little family back. Everything was fine but then the fighting started to happen again. Then one day after a big argument she told and showed me she was pregnant with our first together. She was so afraid that I would be mad at her but how could I be. I was about to have a child of my own. So we made it work we bettered ourselves by getting new jobs, moving out into a new place and starting our own lives on our own. Finally in June of 2017 our son was born. We had our own little family, 2 kids and 2 parents who were together, happily, at least we thought. We started to drift apart. We were sleeping in the same bed but with different blankets. We barely did anything together and even though I was never with another woman I started talking to some old highschool friends who were female. We never kissed, we barely hugged, we hardly said I love you too each other. I didn't know what I wanted. I know I didn't want my kids to live in a broken home and I also didn't want to miss a day with my kids. On the other hand I didn't know if I wanted to be with their mother. When they say "cheaters are the most jealous" well they aren't wrong. I may not have been physically cheating but emotionally I was. One day I started snooping into some of her messages on Discord and when I read some of the things I did I broke. Broke like I hadn't broke in a long time. Did I still truly love this girl after all? Was I just trying to not get myself severely hurt? Whatever it was all those hidden emotions arose without warning. We fought like we never fought before. This was the beginning of October of 2019 for context. I pleaded for her, cried for her, begged for her...asked her to marry me. She ultimately said yes and we have been together since. We were back strong and better than ever. Oh man it felt like we had passion again we were finally the couple we needed to be. Doing thislngs as a couple and as a family. We were finally happy. Then I don't know what has happened. Maybe it was the fact that I asked her to marry me but we haven't quite got married yet because I have back issues that have made me depressed and want to get it fixed and back to work so we can move into a nice house. Maybe I haven't been doing enough for making her feel wanted and loved. Or maybe I just broke her and made her too emotionally unstable from the last fight. I love this girl with all of my heart. I love my family and my children. I know no matter what happens I will always have my children but I can't lose this girl. I can't tell her this because I know it will just push her away. I need to be careful with how I handle this but I have no one else to talk to. I've always felt alone, so scared to talk and open to people who will just leave. I want to beg her to stay but I know I can't. I want to confess all of my love for her but I can't. I'm so emotionally stunted I don't know how to do any of this. I can't lose my family. I refuse to lose my family.

Hello Aratumal: Thank you for sharing your dilemma. I noticed this is your first post here on MSF. So... welcome to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit.

The pattern is that you guys have big fights and get back together, over and over, but the issues are not worked through. Healthy communication does not seem to be taking place.

If you have personal issues and they remain unresolved, you will only bring these into any relationship you get into. Hence, compounding the 'problem' between the two of you.

Have you sought help for your personal issues? i.e. "I've always felt alone, so scared to talk and open to people who will just leave." or "I'm so emotionally stunted"

Finally, you want to say something to her but don't know how or what... or whether it would be enough. I agree - maybe she needs more than words and instead she needs to see a change in your behaviour or actions. Words won't cut it if the dynamics between the two of you and/or your pattern of relating never changes.

Sounds to me like you are the nucleus portion of a relationship but unclear if you need to get married in a setting beyond the permit provided by love - if she is available. You say it is 2019 in October that you committed to something together? Get yourself in touch with yourself so that you are more presentable internally - you seem passionate on the matter. They have stunt people that can act on your behalf but you probably just need an alignment with your other half.