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#1
We met last year in person through a social media event and stayed friends online through Facebook. After a few incidents - today being a major one - where her posts revealed her true personality to me, I just couldn't ignore her red flags anymore and ended the friendship.
It's so awkward when this happens. I had to message her husband and let him know why I couldn't remain friends with him on Facebook. Then, I messaged a mutual friend to let her know too, that I wasn't friends with our mutual friend anymore. The incident today was the last straw. Previous incidents include:
Those are the highlights of what I consider toxic behavior. The vacation one and the birthday one should have been my cues to cut her loose but I foolishly gave her the benefit of the doubt and continued to stay friends with her. Why would I fly to her city to visit her and her husband if she blatantly says she's not going to meetup with me b/c she has a,b, and c to do and doesn't want to deviate from her schedule and that was in response to multiple dates that I offered to visit for her and her husband's availability. Today's incident, I disagreed with a post about the use of dog shock collars. She and her husband have two dogs and they use a shock collar on their 2 year old puppy. We were in a group chat and she called me a troll, b/c I posted a link from the Humane Society about an article on how dog shock collars don't teach dogs anything except to negatively associate anxiety and pain with the shock they receive when they bark, and sometimes they get aggressive due to their anxiety about being constantly shocked. It was just my opinion. I have friends who disagree with me, yet they respect my feelings and acknowledge that my opinion matters to them, even if I disagree with them. She didn't react that way. She was very snarky. So, when I told her via FB that I was done with her friendship, she texted me that I was overreactive and she went on about how great her husband is and how I would miss out on her friendship because I'm so small minded. I'm middle aged. I don't need people in my life who are going to gaslight me b/c we disagree with each other. I deserve to have my opinion respected. When someone puts me in a scapegoat role that is not friendship. That's emotional abuse. |
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Bill3, Discombobulated, FloatThruThis, Sohappy, unaluna
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Discombobulated, unaluna
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#2
People who use shock collars (or any other cruel methods) on animals are not going to be my friends and I am not even a pet person.
As about friendship it sounds that she was ok with chit chat online on social media but wasn’t up to anything like actual hanging out let alone being actual friends. She had no interest in you actually visiting them (was she the one inviting you first or you were the one suggesting you visit them?). Her way to get out of it was telling you she is too busy. I am not excusing her but hosting people from out of town or even just show them around if they stay in the hotel is a lot of work. And if you only met once, she might not be very invested It sounds that perhaps it wasn’t as true friendship as you thought it was or hoped it would be. But frankly if she is so nasty and doesn’t even share same views why even be friends with her. Good riddance. I missed where she told you how great her husband is. Lol who cares. Weirdo. Like what’s the use for you to know how great is her husband if you don’t ever spend time together. |
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Discombobulated, FloatThruThis, unaluna
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#3
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I think you're correct that she was only interested in having an online friendship after we met in person last year with a big group from our Facebook group (which is how we all met each other in person). You're also correct that she tried to get out of my offer to visit her and her husband this summer in person (they have relatives in my state, which is why they were here in the first place, visiting her husband's family), by telling me she was too busy to deviate from her schedule (which is rude to say to someone who is visiting from out of town anyway). I never asked her to host me either. I just asked if she would be free over a two day weekend to go on a trolley ride of her city with me, and maybe out to lunch or dinner the next day including with her husband before I'd leave. So, a quick 3 night, 2 day visit. Not enough for her to feel so "put out." Yeah. She texted me after I ended the friendship in a FB message, writing, "Well, I have my husband and you don't have one. So, I'm very lucky! etc etc etc" So, that reeked of her own feelings of insecurity if all she has is her husband that she has to brag about it to a woman she met twice in person and spoke to over the phone with a handful of times over the past year. This is why I don't like online friendships as much as some people do. I want real friendships offline, in real life. I am rejoining Meetup groups now that Covid is (hopefully) over. I hope to meet and make new friends that way. If there are 7 billion people on this earth, surely, a few of those people want to be friends with me in person. Making friends after 50 is hard as it is. I don't want to get a cat or dog, because I can't afford to care for either one financially. Once I can afford to, I plan to get a cat or a dog. Plus, there are tenants in my building who own dogs, and they let me pet them when our paths cross while I'm out walking in our neighborhood. Thanks for your thoughtful reply, divine. My ego hurt a little bit. It's just annoying when people you invest in for friendship, turn out to be one-sided investments. |
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Bill3, Discombobulated
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#4
She is an idiot. “She has a husband and you don’t”. Like having a husband is some special kind of accomplishment. Like she has a Nobel Prize and you don’t. And it’s rude to even say things like that. Weirdo. Hitting a puppy? I’d like to hit her.
Meetups are good by me. I am in a couple of groups myself and it’s a blessing. There are many that are only women and that’s what I like. Many choices. I have a group of three girl friends that I’ve met in a meetup that no longer exists but we maintain friendship and even do annual 3 day trips to various locations. I don’t make friends easily so I do have to make actual effort to maintain it so in that sense meetups are good as you have to make an effort to physically show up |
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#5
Yes, she went on and on about how great it is to be with her husband. Oh and they aren't legally married either. She left her first husband and neither of her adult sons speak to her, nor does her adult brother who lives in their family home and won't sell her, his share of the house. She vilified these men which makes me think they're likely not as vilaneous as she portrayed them to me (likely for sympathy). Who does that? I have never bragged that 'I am in a relationship and you're not' with anyone. That's just so weird.
I was active in Meetups 15 years ago and made a ton of acquaintances; some of whom I thought were friends but those never panned out. We all lost touch and then Covid hit. Time for me to reboot my social life. Sounds like Meetup has worked for you too. Annual 3-day trips with your real life friends sounds like a lot of fun, too. I don't make friends easily either. I have a ton of acquaintances that I mistake for friends, sometimes. Oh well. That's life. |
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#6
Ok so he isn’t even a husband. Live in boyfriend. No shame in that but she is pointing out you don’t have a husband, well, if we want to get technical, neither does she.
Neither of her kids speak to her is an interesting fact. I get it that sometimes one kid might be estranged but when all are, it’s not a good sign. Bye Felicia Sometimes having acquittances is good enough. True friendships are rare. We all need some social life outside of home |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#7
Hmmmm, always good to pay attention to red flags about a person before investing in a one sided "friendship" that really isn't a friendship. Sometimes we want something to be what it isn't we ignore those red flags then look back & see them AFTER our feelings get hurt. These are definitely good learning experiences for the future.
If you didn't have family or friends in her town & Quote:
I actually had a guy I knew from high school & the university (back in the late 60's & 70's connect with me over FB. Turned out to be obnoxious (though he didn't believe he was) I unfriended him & then finally had to block him. Another guy I friendship on FB from HS wanted me to refried the guy. I just said NO & left it at that as it was none of his business why I felt the need to block the guy. A whole list of reasons but it wasn't his business. No point in being friends with people on FB who we really have nothing in common with or who aggravate us. Life is too short to waste on those kinds of things __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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divine1966, Open Eyes
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#8
Well said. Sounds like you experienced it too. I agree that I made assumptions that I shouldn’t have about asking if I could visit them this summer. I also agree with you that hindsight is always 20/20. She and I had nothing in common but the Facebook group.
A good lesson for me since it’s really hard to get to know someone online for whom they truly are. This is why I just want to meet people offline and socialize in person. The risks of being incompatible are less when you socialize in person. That makes it easier to suss out whether or not the other person and I would be a good fit as friends. |
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Bill3, eskielover
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divine1966, eskielover
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#9
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#10
Thanks! I forgot to add, she also had the gall to write in her text, "see you around the group on Facebook" as though nothing had happened and we were still friends.
That...seems like a perfect example of gaslighting someone, doesn't it? Pretending that reality (her bullying me online, me calling her out for it, then me drawing the boundary of ending our friendship after a year) is different than what it really is. I can only imagine what her adult sons went through, along with her first husband (now I doubt the truth of everything she told me about her life details), if she's gaslighting me after she bullies me online the way she has done. Bullet dodged indeed. |
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#11
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Shoot, I know the guy I interfaced didn't get what I told him even explaining in great detail. In his case it was because he wanted to be friends so badly that he really didn't care to understand what I said. Some people just think their way of life is fine & just continue on as normal even after a conflict. Their choice just as our choice is to disengage from them. I walked out on my 33 year marriage & moved 2100 miles away. For financial reasons (the IRS) I didn't get a divorce for years after I left. In his mind he was sure I would come back to him after 2 years. When I didn't, 11 years later he said he finally "guessed" he was the cause of my leaving. Not an online friendship or relationship but it shows just how dysfunctional some people's lives actually are. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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#12
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At some point, as an adult, she has to take responsibility for the way she treats people. Posting hurtful comments intentionally on social media about me so that others can read them is inexcusable. There is no way you can justify that type of behavior. There is no other way to interpret mean behavior as being misunderstood. By that logic, if someone punches me in the face, they're not being mean. I just interpret it that way. So, you and I can agree to disagree. |
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#13
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__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Nammu, Open Eyes
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#14
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As a dog trainer sometimes using a shock collar is necessary to fix a behavioral problem depending on the actual dog. Mind you that the humane society is not a training organization so I take their **Dog training advice** articles with a grain of salt. I respect your decision not to agree with this kind of practice, but you also need to respect us dog trainers that uses shock collars. When inexperience people who know nothing about dog training start lecturing us about **proper** training by sending us articles from PETA and the humane society can often rub us the wrong way. I welcome any kind of dog training debate as long as your sharing your personal experience with training animals, not what some internet article says. A 2 year old dog is no longer a puppy.. it's a young adult. by that age the dog should be sexually matured. |
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eskielover
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#15
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In essence you’re acting just like she does. You do not get to tell other people what to think or believe. |
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#16
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#17
Behaviours are so mysterious sometimes.I do not justify hurtful behaviours,but we will have to accept that some people are dysfunctional and never selfreflect about their own hurtful ways.They simply do not care about how the things they say or do might impact others.I will give you an example of my own experience. When I was in middle school, there was this guy around my age,went to different school,but somehow used to come to my parents house.I think he befriended my parents because he had a crush on me back then.He started talking to me and mirroring me.He told me he liked to sketch, when he found out I liked to and bought supplies and we sketched together.He was just coming to my place and were doing some innocent harmless things in the living room,in my parents presence.After six months we moved to a different town.After 15 years or so,he landed in the new town and again befriended my parents.by this time I had moved out and this guy started calling me.He stalked me and started inappropriate conversations.He called my landlord and told that me and him were a thing back then.A blatant lie.we were both 11 or 12 when we sketched together. We were not a couple.He had my number and address. I called my parents and told them all of this.Any healthy parent would worry about their daughter's well-being. My parents said that I do not like this guy,but they do enjoy his presence.He is a nice guy according to them.They continued their relationship with him to this day.They helped him financially too.He is one of the faux son.
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#18
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That is perfectly OK that you disagree with me on an emotional level. I understand that people are uneasy with the concept of using the device... however it's not a good idea to become judgemental... send unsolicited unproven emotionally driven articles to change someones dog training method that maybe working for their dogs.. What if the woman is seeing a dog trainer.. what gives you the right to get in the way because you emotionally disagree with the method being used? Do you personally know this persons dog? Are you a dog trainer? Have this person came to you for dog training advice? Most likely not. I'm not trying to argue with you... just that sometimes we need to mind our own business if we want to get long with people. From your post this woman became quite annoyed by the article that you sent her... she didn't ask for it yet you did it anyways. |
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eskielover, Rive.
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#19
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self-reflect...at least she never did with me. She just doesn't care about how her actions and words impacted me during our yearlong friendship. That guy in your anecdote sounds extremely manipulative and divisive. That's odd that your parents can't see through him, based on the way he stalked you and tried to get you in trouble with your landlord. I wonder how he has continued to fool them for so long, that they consider him a faux son, esp. since he stalked you. Sorry to hear that. I don't know how she acts with other people but she definitely never respected me, based on how I felt after any online or phone call interaction with her. I always felt drained aftward, which in hindsight is a red flag that she was not a good person. Quote:
1. You accuse me of being judgmental, then also judge me. Pot calling the kettle black. 2. You tell me that my opinion is wrong because it's uninformed and because I'm not a dog trainer like you are. That's called gaslighting. 3. You tell me I'm emotional and not allowed to have an opinion. That's called gaslighting. Do you think that approach - the gaslighting and judging - makes me open to any advice you have to offer? No, it doesn't. It actually makes you come across very aggressive and projecting on me, which I don't appreciate and am not going to take on. |
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#20
It doesn’t sound like this person is a good match for you as a friend. She constantly disappoints you and you end up feeling invalidated.
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NatalieJastrow
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NatalieJastrow, unaluna
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