The Struggles of "Fitting In"

It's interesting that I always come here because I truly struggle with making friends.

I recently moved to a new city and joined a dance group. Since it is a "partner" dance, and I don't have a male partner, I started communicating with some of the guys in the group... simple, FRIENDLY banter and communication.

Well, some of the women in the group have already labeled me and decided to dislike me without getting to know me. Over the weekend, I was joking with one of the men in the class and made the comment that "I'm too pretty to pay for my own drinks." IT. WAS. A. JOKE!!!! Some of the women in the class overheard it and they think that I'm basically a stuck up flirt.

I have been told that some find my face attractive, and I work out a lot, so I do get UNSOLICITED attention sometimes. I've always tried to downplay the physical - mostly with comedy -- to try to make a good impression.

Obviously, it backfired. I REALLY was joking when I made that comment. In the past, I would have stopped attending dance class, but I really ENJOY the class.

I don't want to have to step on egg shells while there. I was thinking to just not talk as much (or joke), try to find more females to speak to and maybe wear baggier clothes and my glasses next class.

The only constant in this ongoing equation is ME. What am I doing wrong? I can't help the way I look, but I can manage my jokes and make modifications.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with looks. Certainly no need to be wearing baggy clothes. Or downplaying your looks.

Were these men there with their female partners? “I am too pretty to buy my own drink” is a very flirty statement. It’s not actually downplaying your looks but rather emphasizing them. If you wanted to downplay looks, you’d not be talking about looks. If you were there without a man were you trying to get those guys to buy you drinks or wanted them to notice your looks?

There is zero wrong with communicating to people but this isn’t direct communication but just flirting. I don’t think you need to downplay anything about looks with flirting or comedy. Just be who you are. I think regardless how gorgeous you are you could just talk to people like normal conversation, not always joking or flirting. There are topics you could engage in that don’t focus on looks or make/female energy. Books? Movies? If it’s a dance class, different dance styles? Dance in different cultures?

Are you trying to hide social anxiety behind joking? Also do you always seek men company when in mixed company? Is there a reason you wanted to socialize with men in dance class? Have you tried talking to women? Not about your looks of course

In general people are usually suspicious of those who always joke, play and flirt. It’s like they are hiding something or have an agenda.

Great questions. The comment was said outside walking to my car within earshot of other students (male and female). One of the SINGLE male students joked, "You owe me a drink", to which I responded (jokingly), "I don't pay for drinks! I'm too pretty to pay for my own drinks". I actually bought him a beer at karaoke following dance class. See, it was a JOKE!!!

As far as I know, there are only a few guys in the class that are in relationships, and they are very clear about that. I'm at the class to dance and have zero interest in connecting with any male in the class outside of friendship... actually... dance only. Dating in that environment could get messy if things didn't work out.

...and yes, I get VERY nervous in new settings and try to "break the ice" with jokes. I've been unsuccessful going in the opposite direction as well. When I've entered social situations and stayed rather quiet, I've been labeled a "you know what".

... and I mingle (and joke) equally with men and women. There are actually more women in the class than men. The instructors make a point to have us "rotate" between partners so everyone has a chance to mingle. During that time, I try to engage with others and talk about different topics (although the ladies seem less interested in motorcycles, sports, vintage cars, etc. which are more interesting to me).

Oddly enough, I started attending the class to try to socialize more, but was quickly reminded why I don't. The same thing happened in work situations before COVID blessed us with remote working. I was always super awkward or felt uncomfortable, so I would say little-- and got judged and talked about. I tried opening up and was labeled "fake" or "trying too hard".

In fact it was a woman in the class who told me I wasn't received well by "several" because of perception. She said I made other people uncomfortable and that made me unwelcomed (which really hurt my feelings) I get incredibly lonely and just want COMMUNITY, but can't seem to find it. How can I develop better social skills or NOT make people uncomfortable?

The "pretty" joke was really an isolated incident, and I wish the person who didn't like the comment would have come directly to me. I'm open to feedback and am willing to make changes.

In instances like these, I would normally just not go back, but I really enjoy the class (well, I did). Now I don't know what to do at the next one. If I greatly reduce my interaction, I'm afraid I'll look like a "you know what", and if I communicate with any of the men, I'm going to wonder which person I'm offending (my guess is that a female experienced this discomfort).

When you've been really sheltered when you were young and put down by those close to you, it's not as easy as people think to socialize. This makes me sad...

Your joke to the male would be off putting to me, if I were a female in that class. So, you've ruffled some feathers amongst the women by joking with one of the men. Since you like the class, I would just keep going to class but I would be careful about what I said to people, women AND men. Just be yourself, but don't make those types of comments and don't flirt. It's just a class - there are other ways to meet people and to make friends. You can certainly start over somewhere else and try again in another class or group activity. Live and learn!

The "joke" also would have me mentally crossing you off the list as a potential acquaintance. It may be too late for this class, but keep going and stop the jokes. If a new or different type of class/event starts, make sure you're not being flirty and making those kinds of jokes. Just be friendly, don't be flip or give the impression you are better than or superior to other people (especially females) in the group.

Interesting. May I ask why? Did I seriously miss a social cue with these women?

I can't be myself obviously... it's apparently too much. I made a bad joke. Slap me in the face and move on... (another distasteful joke)?

I'll see how tomorrow goes. I really don't know what to expect. Now I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and pretty much avoid the men (it's a partner dance... kinda hard to do that) so I don't make anyone "uncomfortable.

I'm gonna wear my glasses, loose fitting dress, sweater, flat shoes and put my hair in a bun (Since my comment was about looks, maybe if I downplay the "pretty" people won't be as offended??).

As for interaction, I'll speak to the women more-- not that I haven't been interacting with them the entire time. The men approach ME. If a man approaches me, I'll tell him I'm in a relationship (sometimes they don't care). What else can I do?

If I get too uncomfortable I can always leave I guess. I started the class to get out of my comfort zone... learn to laugh at myself since I'm always worried about "messing up" in front of people. Yeah... this made the Social Anxiety worse I think.

This just seems like a lot of "hoop jumping" to make women feel comfortable. I feel like I have to "dim my light" for the comfort of others. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of authenticity?

This is so confusing.

I'll ask you the same question as the poster that echoed that sentiment. What about it is offensive?

Would it have landed differently if it was to a female instead of a male? I have mingled with everyone (male and female) since the class started last month and made a point to try to sit with / communicate with someone new each class.

Is that too much?

Does that come across as inauthentic?

It's too late for shouldn't have said it, so should I not joke? Just dance and leave (gonna try that tomorrow. I bet people with think I AM arrogant if I don't speak).

Should I "run" from the men? Several approached me from the time I walked into the first class.

Am I being "too nice"?

Am I giving off a "vibe"? I try really hard to seem approachable to men and women.

Ugh... I'm making myself more anxious.

Knowing me, I'll be back to Netflix, playing with the dog and taking this out on the treadmill...

I'm lonely. I just want to make ONE true friend that doesn't have four legs and a tail....

Wow, I don't get it. I wouldn't care, if I were in that class. Different people react differently to the same social cues, though of course there is a cultural component (and I am not american). I say to hell with those people, go dance and enjoy yourself. No need to dress differently. In time, they'll come to realize you're not actually a ***** or slut, but just a human being. Maybe there are one or two people there who don't mind, either.

I'd suggest showing compassion when possible. If you are seen as kind, maybe they'll forgive your 'flaw'.

If I overheard you saying your were too pretty to buy your own drinks, I would consider that you think you're probably too pretty to be a friend of mine, as I'm an average-looking person and I do buy my own drinks. It's just off-putting. And if someone says "you owe me a drink" you just laugh and walk away. There's certainly no need to respond with "I don't pay for drinks! I'm too pretty to pay for my own drinks."

Do you hear how that sounds?

You can be friendly without making comments about yourself that make you seem like you think you're better or more special than others. As people about THEMSELVES.

It’s because it sounds like you’re full of yourself - that’s why it’s so offensive and off putting. If I had heard that I’d be like who does she think she is. The fact that you don’t get it is alarming. Someone did say different people will have different reactions. But that’s my reaction so it may be the same with these ladies.

Nothing wrong with joking or being social. I don’t think flirting is offensive either but it’s uncomfortable for others to watch, kind of second hand embarrassment. It’s ok that men approach you and you can be friendly but if you get to the stage of when you feel like flirting then I think you could do it privately with a guy you like, not in front of the other people.

I really doubt you’d say to a woman that you are too pretty to pay for drinks, unless you want a particular kind of attention. So that’s why the issue isn’t as much being friendly as being certain kind of friendly, seeking certain kind of attention from men, at least it appears that way.

And I think the guy said you owe him a drink because you likely flirted before. It’s a flirtatious interaction and you likely wouldn’t interact with women in this manner. We have somebody at work who is impossible at outings because she can’t stop flirting. It’s annoying. Everyone hates it. Not pleasant. Yet other people also joke and laugh and it’s not bothersome as it’s not flirting.

I am not sure how explain the difference. I think in case of heterosexual woman if you choose phrases and poses and manners with men that you wouldn’t use with women, then you are flirting. If you are interacting exactly the same with both genders then you are just being friendly. Just notice how you interact. No you don’t need to run from men. Just if you are romantically interested then let the guy know and flirt with him in private. Like if you aren’t into that guy why flirt. If If you aren’t interested, then be friendly and polite but don’t flirt.

And don’t make statements about your looks. People don’t usually like it. If you are pretty, people already know. Why say it?

Just my opinion of course. I’ve been around the block and then some

I don’t think a normal comment to say that I’m too pretty for paying for a drink. Neither kidding. This flirting, arrogant and out of place.
So, it’s good news because you had the balls to say it here in the public board, so here it’s the beginning of being kind of progress in self-criticism. It will mean you will grow and have more opportunities to live and do things differently. Everyone screw things up in a moment.
If you consider people with narcissistic disorder, especially the uncover ones, seem arrogant as hell, so much that most of people avoid them. So, it’s not strange that they would take your comment as arrogant even when it wasn’t your intention.

I still don’t think you understand it as I see now you are saying you need to wear baggy sweaters and your hair in a bun and “downplay” your prettiness. It makes zero sense.

The issue isn’t that you are pretty but must look ugly to please others. That’s not the case. Are you saying all pretty women are flirts? Or it’s wrong to be pretty? Its not the case!

The point is that you do not need to make announcements about your looks or flirt with these guys. The issue isn’t your looks. You seem to equate “good looking” with having to flirt. But that’s erroneous. Being pretty doesn’t mean you must flirt.

I don’t get the need. I flirt (being playful maybe as I am not a flirt in general) with exactly one man, the one I am in a relationship with. And when single I’d might flirt with one I am interested in and in a dating situation. Not with random guys in a mixed company! It’s awkward for others. They didn’t take a class to be in these situations

We all make mistakes and no one is perfect but it’s concerning that you do not understand the issue and keep saying the issue is that you are pretty. It isn’t! Your looks are not the issue

Thanks for your input everyone. Though we didn't have class Thursday due to the holiday (kind of a relief to me), I was able to pin down the "originator" of this whole mess and realize that the person that was giving me this "womanly advice" is close friends with one of the people that was so bothered by my comment (I wasn't talking to her, but OK). This woman has been interested in the guy with whom I had the exchange, and he didn't reciprocate her interest, so hearing that probably didn't feel very good.

What have I learned? To come, dance and leave. This group of people don't get me and would rather talk about me than get to know me. That's not my idea of community, and I can't be the proverbial chameleon. Onward and upward... in SILENCE.

Well I don’t think the lesson you’ve learned is a good one. The solution isn’t to stop talking to people. You said you never fit in and then proceed to conclude that it’s other people’s fault. Maybe in this situation it is but it can’t possibly be always other people and other groups who always do things wrong. Of course it’s your choice how to conduct yourself in a group.

It’s entirely possible the woman was uncomfortable with your flirting because she liked the guy and you made a point to emphasize your good looks. But that’s precisely why it is better to flirt in private. No need to make others uncomfortable especially if you don’t know people well. But you don’t need to stop socializing

I don’t think you’re getting it. Plainly, as said before, you sound very conceited (your “joke”) and you’re choosing to blame it on something else, stating you’ll dance and leave or talking about wearing baggy sweaters. Have you had problems “reading the room” before or misinterpreting social situations before? You seem to react in extremes, where either you saying something inappropriate (calling it a joke) or clamming up. There IS a middle ground.

I also wonder if it’s your go-to strategy in a seemingly uncomfortable and new social situation to flirt with someone. Perhaps you want attention but you’re not going about it the right way. It’s something to think about.

No need to be silent
Self-reflection is key here. What part do you play, what parts do other's play? I would rather see you as an actor, not just a victim of other people's behaviour (or your interpretation of it).