My father got sick and passed away

My father was diagnosed with a terminal and incurable lung disease 8 months ago. His doctor at the time told him it isn't a death sentence. Though, it turned out to be. Just 7-8 months later, he was rushed to the emergency room, then was given a hospital bed, then quickly went downhill over the course of two weeks, then passed away. It happened so very fast. I am still trying to make sense of this. A week ago, he was hoping he could go home and still be able to take a trip to France in the Fall. And now, now, he's just gone.

He was a man who took great care of his physical health. His disease is the result of second hand smoke, from when his mother smoked while he grew up. He could have lived well into his nineties, if it weren't for this disease. He lived until the age of 81.

I watched him die in the hospital, while I held one of his hands, and my mother held the other. They removed the oxygen, upon his request, and he died an hour later. It is an experience that will forever be stamped in my memories. It was pretty horrific to experience that first-hand, but I felt my mother needed someone to be there with her and I didn't want her to go through it alone. She is very thankful I was there. But the image of him, lying there lifeless? WOW. I am trying to shake it and cannot.

During this time while he was hospitalized and sick, I had some mixed emotions based on a difficult childhood. My father wasn't the greatest dad when I was a kid. He was emotionally unavailable so I felt neglected, he was very self centered and overly critical of us kids. He was seriously harsh towards me, and it deeply effected my self esteem to the point of my getting involved in many abusive relationships as an adult and getting an eating disorder too.

Years and years later, I decided I had to forgive him, and luckily, as an adult, he became a much better father to me/us. He softened and became less self centered and more caring.

And now, there's just a big hole in my life because he's gone. He filled an important space for me. I will miss him dearly.

Thanks for reading. Any supportive and comforting words are welcome.

I am sorry for your loss. Watching him go must have been traumatic for you. It's a comfort to know your relationship was mended before then.

Thanks so much. It was definitely traumatic. Yes, I’m glad dad and I had a better adult relationship. I’m thankful for that.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your strength and courage in those last moments to give love and support to your mother and father is wonderful gift to give them.

I know I'm a stranger. Is it ok with you if I light a candle for your father?

Thanks so much. I suppose it did take strength to be there throughout, but I felt most important was to be there for him and my mom.

I’m so touched by your gesture. Yes please feel free and light a candle for him. In gratitude, M

Have Hope, I know what it's like to lose a father. It's hard. My dad passed suddenly, with our having little warning. He'd had a heart attack and was in the hospital, but we thought he would pull through. He was 77. That was many years ago, (I am 67 now.)

I still miss him, just like you'll always miss your dad. Hang on to your good memories of him, dear one. He'll always be special that way.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hopefully, in time you can take comfort knowing his suffering is over.

I’m sorry for your loss.

It is very hard watching a parent pass away. My mother died suddenly 10 years ago, I got to the hospital just in time. I often think of those last moments and cry.

Glad that you had forgiven your father and he was much better towards you.

@Travelinglady, thank you, and I am so very sorry for your own loss. With little warning and little time is so much harder. My heart goes out to you.

I have many good memories of my father. My favorite memory is of a battle he had with a yard gopher, who was eating his flowers and plants. I found my dad one morning in his underwear at 6 am, with a sling shot, trying to stun the gopher and scare it away. At the time, it was pretty funny to witness. My dad tried all sorts of measures to get the gopher to leave... it was like the movie, Caddie Shack. lol.

@RockyRoad007, thank you so much. It is true - at least his suffering is over, and at least his suffering was short-lived. I am grateful for that, at least.

@Gingernutx, thank you so much for your sympathy and empathy. Those very last moments with a parent are so precious. I am glad you were able to have that before your mom passed.

Yes, it's a blessing that I was able to forgive him and that he was much better towards me as I grew older. It helps me to feel better overall about our relationship.

Please accept my sadness for your loss. It is a blessing you could be there in your mom's final time on the earth. It had to be a conclusion for your earthly relationship.

It sounds like you have been a source of strength and peace to your father and mother. I am praying that you may have that strength and peace for yourself as well, to comfort and console you now and in the coming days and weeks.

Loss of a parent is so sad. So sorry How is your sister taking it? I hope you can support each other in this sad journey? How is your mom?

@Bill3, thanks so much, and yes, I have been. I do need the strength and peace for myself, too.

@divine1966, SO sad. My sister is OK-ish, and my mother is holding together. I am spending the day with mom today. We're taking a long-ish drive up north to a nice town on the ocean that has great shopping. My mom and I both love to window shop and be near the ocean.

My mom will need our company in the next coming weeks and months. I am prepared to switch gears a bit to spend more time with mom. She told me before he died that she had never been alone in her life. This will be a HUGE adjustment for mom, so I want to make sure she doesn't fall into a deep depression.

So sorry to hear of your loss.

It's good that you can recall so many memories of him. The vision of dealing with the gopher made me smile

Sorry for your loss Have Hope... that is a lot to hold - from his sudden passing to the conflicted feelings from growing up. I hope you have a space to talk to a support person in your life

Thanks so much...

The gopher stories make smile.

Thanks so much, @Rive.

I can speak with my mother about it and did a little today. It was cathartic to talk about it.