[Have Hope]

So, my sister. We've had a weird relationship. She went through an incredibly abusive marriage 15 years ago. Just before they separated, she used me multiple times as a cover to secretly get together with her male landscaper (lover). She would lie and tell her husband that she was coming to my home. And she would tell me that she wanted to come over to hang out with me. Then, as soon as she would arrive, she would go see the landscaper, ditching me.

On my birthday she did the same thing. A whole month before my actual birthday, she wanted to treat me to a pedicure in the city. I was wondering why so ahead of my actual bday, but I said OK. It turns out that the landscaper was in the city that night celebrating his own bday, and she had secretly planned to meet up. So yet again, she used me. I was extremely hurt by that.

Then when she visited me while I was living out west, she did the same thing. She told me she wanted to come visit to hang out with me for four days because we hadn't seen each other except for on a random holiday. Well, it turns out the only reason she really wanted to visit me was to hook up with random strange guys and to have something to do while her ex was vacationing with a new girlfriend. She didn't want to be alone, but the way she said it to me was that she wanted to spend time with me. BS. She didn't. It was all a cover, yet again. And I felt used, all over again.

And, during covid, she refused to wear a mask around my more frail and senior aged parents (this was before my father died but after his diagnosis with an incurable lung disease). My mother was pissed that she refused to wear a mask around them.

And now? Now that our father has recently died, my sister has chosen to not be around or supportive to me or to my mother. She went vacationing with her now fiance, and she disappears every weekend to be with him. Meanwhile, I am spending a lot of time with my mom to make sure she doesn't fall into a depression and to keep her company. My mom told me today that she does not feel very supported by my sister right now. The loss of our father is also a big deal to my sister's three sons, because he was more like a father figure for them. And my sister is kind of abandoning her kids through this ordeal as well by escaping every weekend with her fiance instead of spending time with her own kids. Granted, she is home with the kids all week long.

This morning I told my mother that I don't get my sister and even said that I think she may be a selfish person. I just don't know. But it sure seems like it after everything I've witnessed.

I don't know how I really feel about her, but I don't feel that close to her. Not as close as I thought we were, and I cannot relate that much to her either.

Thanks for reading. Any supportive comments are welcomed.

[Yaowen]

I think your feelings are very understandable given the circumstances. Although I don't have any brothers and sisters, I think I would feel the same kinds of feelings you are describing if I was in your shoes. I wish I knew what to say to help. Hopefully others here will make up for my lack of wisdom and offer you something truly helpful. The situation you describe must be such a heavy burden to bear!

[Discombobulated]

Everything you’ve described sounds like she’s behaved consistently selfishly for years. I would find this hard to deal with too.

I think it’s important to get through this awful stage of loss with your mother as best you can, it sounds like you might have to accept your sister isn’t going to be helpful at this point. Perhaps that will change, but I wouldn’t have high expectations from what you say.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I think your feelings are very understandable given the circumstances. Although I don't have any brothers and sisters, I think I would feel the same kinds of feelings you are describing if I was in your shoes. I wish I knew what to say to help. Hopefully others here will make up for my lack of wisdom and offer you something truly helpful. The situation you describe must be such a heavy burden to bear!

Thank you @Yaowen.

I guess I am just disappointed in her? And it does feel like a bit of a heavy burden to bare.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Everything you’ve described sounds like she’s behaved consistently selfishly for years. I would find this hard to deal with too.

I think it’s important to get through this awful stage of loss with your mother as best you can, it sounds like you might have to accept your sister isn’t going to be helpful at this point. Perhaps that will change, but I wouldn’t have high expectations from what you say.

Yes, yes, and yes. You're right - I should not have high expectations of her. Thanks for your reply.