When things irritate that shouldn't

Maybe it's because I'm in a severe state of depression right now. I have a medical issue going on with my hands and wrists, and so I'm not medically cleared to work, which is causing me a lot of stress. I'm not supposed to type, so I'm glad I can use voice to text on my phone to make these posts.

Even with all that going on, though, I think the interpersonal skills that I'm about to talk about should be worked on.

It's when people say well-meaning things, but I just don't like it. And I know I can't and shouldn't try to make them not say it, and that's not really my goal. How do I get it to not bother me?

For example, if I accomplish something I was struggling with, and someone gushingly tells me, "I'm so proud of you!" Obviously they mean it well. But it comes off as condescending for reasons I can't quite figure out. For one thing, I didn't do it to make them proud. I did it for my own reasons. I don't live my life for their approval. Another issue is, I'm pushing 60, and for someone to address me as "young lady" feels demeaning. In my history, "young lady" is what you call a child you’re scolding. "All right, young lady, enough playing around. Get into bed now." Also, thinking "young" is a compliment insinuates that there is something wrong with being anything besides young. Which there certainly is not.

Maybe these things wouldn't bother me if I weren't already terribly depressed. But they do bother me, and people are going to say them, thinking they're saying good things, and if I utter a word about it, then I'm the one being negative.

Any tips for how to deal?

I have had and still have similar experiences and feel as you do.

One thing that helped me and still helps me . . .

Since it is impossible to control what another person is going to say or do, solutions will have to do with the after-effects of their words and behaviors. Dealing with the after-effects is not easy as you know and are made more difficult by depression as you also know.

If one feels badly after an encounter like the one you described, it can sometimes be helpful to gain some distance from the thought-stream that such an encounter is engendering in us.

We operate on two different levels: the thoughts and feelings, often distressing and unwelcome that just flow into our minds uninvited and on a second level, our ability to observe this thought stream because we have reflexive consciousness.

Reflexive consiousness allows us not only to think about things but also to think about our thinking about things. Perhaps this is unclear. Apologies for my English. It is a difficult language for me.

Here is an example of a thought stream: feeling hurt, now feeling hurt that I am hurt, now feeling angry at the other person, now feeling nothing, now feeling the anger again, now feeling a little angry at myself for getting angry, now feeling empathy for myself, now feeling a little hatred towards myself for being unable to rise above the hurt, now feeling justified, now feeling sad and hopeless.

This is a sample thought stream in action.

One can briefly step out of this thought-stream and look at it as it is going on: "I am the recipient of a thought stream and emotional stream that I did not invite into my consciousness. If I fight against it, it seems to get stronger. I am going to let it pass. Thoughts and feelings enter into my consciousness and then are pushed out by other thoughts and feelings. Sometimes the process seems to repeat itself going on and on in a kind of vicious cycle. I am currently aware that this is happening. I am aware and am going to let it happen. My automatic thought stream is part of me, not my whole self. I can step out of it and just observe it.

I was in the river and now I have stepped out and am sitting on the bank watching the water pass by so to speak. I am observing an angry thought. I am now observing a sad thought. If I do nothing, one thought will push the other out of the way and replace it and be replaced by others in a never ending stream. I can step out of this stream. That part of me that can step out of the stream is the deepest part of me. If I am pulled back into the negative thought stream, I will not treat it as a big deal.

We are all sort of running on autopilot so much of the time. Often we don't realize it. We tend to take seriously whatever pops into our mind. We might not be aware that there is a part of us that can have feelings about our feelings, have thoughts about our thoughts.

Knowing I can step out of the thought stream even briefly, empowers me. I can intervene into the thought stream with an alternate one." For example: "I was raised to believe that my self-worth was based on what others said and did. This idea was true when I was a small child at the mercy of adults. I grew up feeling my self-worth was always vulnerable and in jeopardy. This has become second-nature with me now. People's innocent or malicious comments can trigger a negative thought stream in me. Okay. Things are what they are. I am older now and can step out of this thought stream when I find that it is preying on me, when it is hurting me."

I can come up with analogies like . . . I am like a mountain. Weather takes place all around me: calm, windy, rainy. Even violent storms take place around me. But I am the mountain. I am not really in jeopardy because of these things.

At some level I realize that a lot of the time people are sort of running on autopilot . . . thinking, saying and doing what pops into their minds. Often their "autopilot" is as it is because of their upbringing, genetics, environment and so on.

When a person says something hurtful I can ask myself: "Did this person say this thing at the end of a long deliberative process where they weighed all the pros and cons, the good and bad effects of such a comment? Did they will with all their mind and will-power to hurt me? Or was such a hurtful comment the result of their own automatic thought stream?"

This is something I learned from cognitive psychology. I don't know if it would be helpful to you. I fear it may not be. If so, please accept my apology. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.

I am not a medical professional. I can only share what has helped me in situations like the one you described. Sometimes what helps one person doesn't work for someone else.

I think it's normal to have these distorted feelings about what others say to you. The world is a crazy place so obviously you're going to have various distorted reactions.

@Yaowen, please be assured your English is very good. I'll reply more later when my phone is available and I don't have to type.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arbie Maybe it's because I'm in a severe state of depression right now. I have a medical issue going on with my hands and wrists, and so I'm not medically cleared to work, which is causing me a lot of stress. I'm not supposed to type, so I'm glad I can use voice to text on my phone to make these posts. Even with all that going on, though, I think the interpersonal skills that I'm about to talk about should be worked on. For example, if I accomplish something I was struggling with, and someone gushingly tells me, "I'm so proud of you!" Obviously they mean it well. But it comes off as condescending for reasons I can't quite figure out. For one thing, I didn't do it to make them proud. I did it for my own reasons. I don't live my life for their approval. Maybe these things wouldn't bother me if I weren't already terribly depressed. But they do bother me, and people are going to say them, thinking they're saying good things, and if I utter a word about it, then I'm the one being negative. Any tips for how to deal?

I'm pushing 50 so I am also getting up in age. Sorry to hear you are very depressed. That could be part of your issue however it is really who you are.

Not sure but I would look at why you are bothered. Is the content intermixed with bad news?

Sorry to make a correction here. The world is not a crazy place, it's the people in it.

My main irritant is the constant pressure applied by mother who thinks she commands respect by saying what she likes. Insults, lying, convenient memory failures, etc. As I've got older so it irritates me even more and I still can't get to the cause of why she does it. Also why others believe her. To me, there's always two sides to a story....

I also find "young lady" patronising and slightly irritating. Although it depends on time of voice used.

Quote:

Originally Posted by poshgirl Sorry to make a correction here. The world is not a crazy place, it's the people in it. My main irritant is the constant pressure applied by mother who thinks she commands respect by saying what she likes. Insults, lying, convenient memory failures, etc. As I've got older so it irritates me even more and I still can't get to the cause of why she does it. Also why others believe her. To me, there's always two sides to a story.... I also find "young lady" patronising and slightly irritating. Although it depends on time of voice used.

Yes, the memory failing resulting in response complexity. That is not great. Try to be patient but don't ignore it. I think it has been a while since I was deeply disturbed by a saying.

Young lady is not great...yet it doesn't seem to suggest anything troubling beyond all things.

You can't figure out why she is on a mission against you? Could be the seeking of the truth... Good luck

Hello. I've been away from the forum for quite a time. I'm battling a wrist injury and can't always post.

I've noticed a common theme in the "little things" that irritate me the most.

When people assume I'm probably going to fail at something before I've even had a chance to try.
When people tell me some basic common-sense fact that most reasonably intelligent preschoolers would already know.
When people rush in too soon and offer me a ton of help that I haven't asked for and don't need.
When people speak to me in a high-pitched "kindergarten teacher" voice, using short words and simple sentences.
When people use childish terms at me, such as "girl" rather than "woman," alongside the aforementioned "young lady."
When people act surprised that I am able to perform some basic life skill on my own.
When people repeat information several times as if they don't expect me to retain it, only to end up offering to write it down for me in case I forget. (Surprise, I am capable of both remembering, and writing it down for myself if I need to.)

All of these things are condescending, whether they're meant that way or not. They send the message that I am seen as defective, that I am not expected to be competent or independent like most people. Even "I'm so proud of you" is condescending at its core, because who usually says that? Parents, teachers, and others in authority over you. If somebody feels they are in a position to be proud of me, then they're also conveying that they are in some way above me and have the right to evaluate my performance. Plus, as stated in my OP, I didn't do whatever it was just to please them. Like the song says, "I don't exist for you."

I passionately hate being seen as somebody who needs supervision. To my knowledge I haven't given off any signals that I can't routinely manage on my own, and have to be looked after and checked up on, and I do wonder what it is about me that gives off such an impression.

Ironically, it seems the only time people aren't needlessly fussing over me is when I really do need help, and ask for it. Then they're nowhere to be found.

Well, if it's any comfort, I totally agree with you . . . and for exactly the reasons you cite. They ARE being condescending. They truly don't realize that they are not being gracious.

Since I stopped coloring my hair, I sometimes get called "young lady." I don't like it. Neither will these rude people, when they become seniors. I used to take an elderly, male friend out to eat now and then. He was in a wheel chair and in bad health. At Red Lobster, the manager (who was far from young himself) would bend low like he was dipping down before a child and say, "Right this way, young man." He'ld say it loudly with this kind of a chuckle in his voice. I can't tell you how much I hated that.

My friend never expressed irritation, but I don't think this patronizing greeting made him feel good. It sounds so sarcastic. The manager seemed to be saying, "Well, aren't you a cute little old codger." Until getting sick, my friend had been a strong, nice looking man, even at his advanced age. He was particular about his appearance and dressed well. These patronizing greetings only started when he had to go out in the wheelchair. We'ld be in the lobby, surrounded by others waiting for tables. Suddenly, my friend would be singled out for this "special" welcome. It horrified me. I dreaded my friend being addressed in that clownish way.

People can be so ignorant.