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ejoha
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Question Jun 21, 2022 at 09:26 PM
  #1
Hi y’all. Looking for some insight as to how to navigate ending my relationship. Less importantly, I would also like to understand the behaviors of my partner and know if it fits any descriptions, to put a name to it. It’s nothing I have ever experienced.

Long story short, I KNOW that I need to get myself out of this. It’s the “how” that I’m struggling with. I will preface with the fact that he has alcohol abuse and anger issues but there’s more to it…

I have lived with my partner for almost 2 years. We live in a house I own and pay for. He doesn’t financially contribute much. I have told him what it costs me to upkeep this household and his share of things AS A SET AMOUNT. He pays me in bits and pieces, here and there, and insists I be the one to keep track. Wouldn’t be all that hard of a task if he didn’t sporadically give me some cash here, sign over a paycheck there, etc. Whatever he does give me, it’s rarely enough. He only works 2 days a week and has for many months now… not enough to make a living. If I don’t keep perfect track of his sporadic payments, he insists he has contributed more than enough and treats me as if I’m crazy and forgetful.

This is a constant theme, him making me out to be the irresponsible one. With my history of mental issues, I have a tendency of questioning myself when he does this. I try to point out things to myself like him hitting my house with his car when drunk, and injuring one of my cats while drunkenly swinging him around one night (just to name a few), to remind myself that I’m not in fact nuts and have real, true grievances. None of these things he’s taken responsibility for or fixed. I’ve brought them up, but the most I get is an empty “I’m sorry” and then it’s like it never happened.

Same goes with me telling him I don’t think things aren’t working out between us. Yes, I’ve literally said that on numerous occasions. He whines and takes no responsibility and says “well, I love you” and continues on with his day. No issues are ever fully discussed. He dodges me like it’s a specialty of his. And over time, new issues arise, and the cycle continues.

It’s mounted to the point where I am seriously resentful and detached. Noticeably so. I do not engage in any sort of affection or intimacy with him and haven’t for many months. He avoids this too, never asking what might be wrong. Even unrelated to our relationship, I’ve gone through some really hard situations recently (the passing away of a family pet, having my two closest friends move across the country, etc.) and there has not been an ounce of sympathy, even when I am visibly very sad. Again, the empty “I’m sorry” and move on. I could go on and on about this alone, but I won’t…. He’s just never in the wrong and will not engage in any sort of anything requiring emotional depth.

To add insult to injury, his mother just decided it was a good idea to buy a house RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET. I could literally throw a rock through her window. And now she’s in my house all the time too. She thinks he’s just the most perfect thing in the world and has no grasp on who he really is. He hides it like crazy and it’s hard to witness. He does this with most everyone. Puts on a show of being so responsible, all-knowing, and having his life so together.

Trying not to make this too long, but the main issue I’m having with actually pulling the plug is one, his seemingly short term memory when it comes to any real discussion of our relationship, and two, his tendency for extraordinarily irrational outbursts and anger. It’s not going to be pretty, whatever does happen. Ideally I would love to have a real discussion, tell him how I’m feeling and explain myself, and break things off with as much grace as I possibly can. I try so hard to not make him feel attacked, by considerate choice of words and way too much thought, like I tend to do with most things, sometimes to a fault. I know that just escalates things….and with him especially, there is no room for error in that. I don’t know if it’s even possible though! He will admit no faults. He will “forget” it as soon as it happens. He will get angry and point fingers. I feel myself on the verge of blowing up, which I REALLY don’t want. I know things will get so far out of hand if I do…. Lots of deep breaths going on.

This is just hard. I know the ultimate answer is there, and that it may seem silly I haven’t executed the inevitable yet. Putting it into action is just proving difficult. I’ve never dealt with something like this. Any and all ideas are welcome and appreciated. I feel like I’m losing my mind…
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Rive.
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Default Jun 23, 2022 at 08:09 AM
  #2
Disentangle yourself from him.

Frankly, this
Quote:
I will preface with the fact that he has alcohol abuse and anger issues but there’s more to it…
was enough.

He is living off you, he is abusing and manipulating you & there is no love between you. Why are you still with him? His mother is across the street, so you can send him back to the one who thinks he is the golden child.

Respect yourself enough to kick him out. Get his keys (to your house) and send him packing. Literally. If you are compliant instead of strict and firm he will *not* respect you nor your boundaries and he will keep using you.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 05:54 AM
  #3
It sounds like you have to walk on eggshells around him to avoid his anger. And I don't think you can have a discussion of the issues, based on your experience in trying to talk to him.

I would follow Rive's advice and would simply just kick him out. Enough is enough. He IS sponging off of you and is mistreating you. If he explodes, he explodes and you call the police.

Just pull that band-aid off, no matter how hard it is, and tell him he must leave. It IS YOUR home after all. No need for a discussion - be firm and remain strong in your stance. He must leave and you will not tolerate this behavior any longer from him.

Do not feel guilty. You are not responsible for him.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Jun 24, 2022 at 06:20 AM..
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 06:26 AM
  #4
There is nothing to discuss. Give him written notice of having to leave the premises in 30 days and put in a letter that if he doesn’t vacate in 30 days you’ll get courts involved ,sent it as attachment to email and to text so there is evidence and give him paper copy too. If he doesn’t leave in 30 days, get courts involved.

Letting someone live in your house rent free could back fire. I heard horror stories how people just couldn’t kick the person out and had to spend money in courts getting him evicted. Such a pain.

I caution you against simply kicking him out without giving him days and fair warning. If he lives with you, it’s his residence. Even if he doesn’t pay rent, he lives there. If he doesn’t leave in a reasonable number of days, then take the next step
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Default Jun 29, 2022 at 04:29 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
Disentangle yourself from him.

Frankly, this was enough.

He is living off you, he is abusing and manipulating you & there is no love between you. Why are you still with him? His mother is across the street, so you can send him back to the one who thinks he is the golden child.

Respect yourself enough to kick him out. Get his keys (to your house) and send him packing. Literally. If you are compliant instead of strict and firm he will *not* respect you nor your boundaries and he will keep using you.

I do not know why I am still with him. I find myself wanting to explain and have a conversation, rather than just being what I perceive as harsh and abruptly kicking him out. I know in the scheme of things it’s totally warranted but for some reason find myself ….afraid I guess? Avoiding? I’ve let this go on too long and have let so many things go by the wayside.. And deep down I know that any rational, calm conversation/explanation will not be heard. I just don’t want this to end up being explosive and I fear that that’s how it’s going to go, based off how he reacts to things far more minuscule. It’s also not easy having his mother 100ft from my house now, it’s felt so invasive that she did that (buying the place). She lived in a different state prior to this. I’m scared the comfort of my own home might be a thing of the past no matter what. I don’t know…I’m just trying to find my power that currently feels very defeated. Thank you for your response.
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Default Jun 29, 2022 at 04:38 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
It sounds like you have to walk on eggshells around him to avoid his anger. And I don't think you can have a discussion of the issues, based on your experience in trying to talk to him.

I would follow Rive's advice and would simply just kick him out. Enough is enough. He IS sponging off of you and is mistreating you. If he explodes, he explodes and you call the police.

Just pull that band-aid off, no matter how hard it is, and tell him he must leave. It IS YOUR home after all. No need for a discussion - be firm and remain strong in your stance. He must leave and you will not tolerate this behavior any longer from him.

Do not feel guilty. You are not responsible for him.
Thank you for your support and taking the time to respond. I fear that the needing to call the police part will ultimately be a reality. This is something I’ve never experienced and I’m just trying to navigate in the right direction. I don’t know how I’ve let things get to this point. I’ll repeat what I said in my response to the comment above… I just feel plain defeated and fearful. I’m trying to shake it and know I have to because I’ll be the one who suffers if I don’t. It’s just like I’m at a roadblock in my brain. Hard to explain.
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Default Jun 29, 2022 at 04:43 PM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
There is nothing to discuss. Give him written notice of having to leave the premises in 30 days and put in a letter that if he doesn’t vacate in 30 days you’ll get courts involved ,sent it as attachment to email and to text so there is evidence and give him paper copy too. If he doesn’t leave in 30 days, get courts involved.

Letting someone live in your house rent free could back fire. I heard horror stories how people just couldn’t kick the person out and had to spend money in courts getting him evicted. Such a pain.

I caution you against simply kicking him out without giving him days and fair warning. If he lives with you, it’s his residence. Even if he doesn’t pay rent, he lives there. If he doesn’t leave in a reasonable number of days, then take the next step
This is actually a really helpful suggestion. Putting things in writing might also be a lot easier than putting myself directly in the line of fire. And I can really think everything through without being “in it” in the moment. I generally do tend to work through things in my own head really well, but apparently not in this case. It’s felt like I have a brick wall up in my brain whenever I get to the “how to take action” part. Thank you..
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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 04:07 PM
  #8
You don't have feelings for this person is what it sounds like. I know you were very clear about their disregard for you or your relationship's future. Is that why you wat to leave - due to the disrespect? I think you need to do what is right for you - and if you have a legal obligation then make sure you take care of that.

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Default Jun 30, 2022 at 04:50 PM
  #9
For your own safety and protection, could you have a friend or someone come over the house to be with you when he is given the letter or when he is told to leave the house? This may calm your fears of it escalating to needing the police. I understand explosiveness, and it is scary to deal with. Fear should not stop you from kicking him out though. IF he does explode, just quickly leave the room, leave the apartment, and call the police immediately. You will be safer that way, if you leave the situation and let the police handle it. But I think having a friend or someone to be there with you should also help calm your fears.

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Default Jul 01, 2022 at 12:30 AM
  #10
You might want to run this situation by an attorney. At some point, you may need back up from law enforcement. Forget about ending this involvement in a graceful way. There's going to be some ugliness. I know you have a ton of stuff to get off your chest, but don't waste your breath. He has zero interest in any "discussion" you might imagine having with him. You would be talking to yourself.

His mom living across the street might be a good thing. At least it gives him somewhere to go. Once you get him out of the house, change all the locks and never let him back into your home. Don't even talk to him, if you pass him in the street. Stop taking any money from him. Good luck.
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Default Jul 01, 2022 at 12:33 AM
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