My choice

I chose to get back together with my husband. He had been abusive and we almost divorced. We were separated, living apart and the paperwork had been done but not filed.

We got back together after 6 months of being apart - that was one year ago. He has been in individual therapy for the last year. I am in individual therapy, and we've had a handful of couples therapy sessions.

The abusive behaviors have ceased. We had a very bad day two months ago whereby some of his old behaviors resurfaced. I confronted it at the time, and he has made adjustments since then. There has not been a repeat instance since then.

I realize that I am making some sacrifices in being with him. He is physically not able to do things with me that I like to do because he has many physical ailments. So, I need to do these things all on my own or with friends and family.
He also is not responsible with money, but I am, so I need to reign him in at times, and that's a sore spot for me in our marriage.

What's my point? Normally, I encourage women (or men) on here to leave an abusive situation, so I know I may come across as being contradictory. Normally, abusers do NOT change. And statistically, abuse typically worsens over time. And I DID leave him because he was abusive.

I do not know what the future holds, but I am prepared emotionally and mentally to leave him again IF the abuse returns. Right now, there are no signs of that happening. He has only been loving, supportive, affectionate and generous with me. He has been the caring husband I always wanted him to be.

A small part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for the abuse to resurface.

But I acknowledge that it was my choice to get back together with him. And, I unapologetically acknowledge that it's partially because I did not want to be alone at the age of 51. Naturally and of course I love him, so, it's both. I have been single most of my life and have dealt with the dating scene. I know I CAN be alone, if I must be, but I prefer to be ion a relationship, and that's OK too. It's my preference, and I do not feel guilty or bad about that. It's my preference.

Things COULD blow up again. It could. But he learned what it's like living without me in his life, and he is motivated to keep the marriage in tact. He acknowledged and owned up to his behaviors, which is rare in an abuser.

And right now, things are solid and things are good. So I am happy with this choice I made.

I like your approach and attitude. It is realistic and not overly simplistic. You have a great deal of wisdom and maturity. You have deliberated carefully, weighed pros and cons, have a good understanding of human nature. None of us are Infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect beings, but I think you are doing all the right things given the circumstances. Best to you!

Thanks so much @Yaowen. Your words made me feel good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I chose to get back together with my husband. He had been abusive and we almost divorced. We were separated, living apart and the paperwork had been done but not filed. We got back together after 6 months of being apart - that was one year ago. He has been in individual therapy for the last year. I am in individual therapy, and we've had a handful of couples therapy sessions. The abusive behaviors have ceased. We had a very bad day two months ago whereby some of his old behaviors resurfaced. I confronted it at the time, and he has made adjustments since then. There has not been a repeat instance since then. I realize that I am making some sacrifices in being with him. He is physically not able to do things with me that I like to do because he has many physical ailments. So, I need to do these things all on my own or with friends and family. He also is not responsible with money, but I am, so I need to reign him in at times, and that's a sore spot for me in our marriage. What's my point? Normally, I encourage women (or men) on here to leave an abusive situation, so I know I may come across as being contradictory. Normally, abusers do NOT change. And statistically, abuse typically worsens over time. And I DID leave him because he was abusive. I do not know what the future holds, but I am prepared emotionally and mentally to leave him again IF the abuse returns. Right now, there are no signs of that happening. He has only been loving, supportive, affectionate and generous with me. He has been the caring husband I always wanted him to be. A small part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for the abuse to resurface. But I acknowledge that it was my choice to get back together with him. And, I unapologetically acknowledge that it's partially because I did not want to be alone at the age of 51. Naturally and of course I love him, so, it's both. I have been single most of my life and have dealt with the dating scene. I know I CAN be alone, if I must be, but I prefer to be ion a relationship, and that's OK too. It's my preference, and I do not feel guilty or bad about that. It's my preference. Things COULD blow up again. It could. But he learned what it's like living without me in his life, and he is motivated to keep the marriage in tact. He acknowledged and owned up to his behaviors, which is rare in an abuser. And right now, things are solid and things are good. So I am happy with this choice I made.

Good for you! I see this happen often but it never seems to be my story...I mean recovery after failure. Sure, it does but the spouse seems to have me always in the compromised position like she is not happy about it.

Thanks for sharing you story!