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Default Jun 23, 2022 at 09:25 PM
  #1
My boyfriend and I, our relationship is still new. 3 months in. I've posted about it here. Its been a little rocky for me at times. I also really like him.

Anyway, he has adult daughters in their 20s. I'm in my late 30s. I've only met one daughter, twice now, and it was awkward, but that's to be expected, imo. The problem is, I'm uncomfortable around her. She is nice-ish to my face (not rude). But my bf has told me a few times stuff she has said about me behind my back. It is rude stuff. Stuff that leads me to think she's not a fan of me.

Him and I have talked and he said he won't bring it up anymore. (it's not something I even ask about, he just comes out with it). But last weekend he did it again. This time I expressed disdain for HER. He got serious and told me not to be mad at her bc she didn't mean it that way. It was a whole thing that weekend.

I think it's important to say this: I have never had kids. I'm shy and anxious. I think I have c-ptsd from being a survivor of emotional abuse in my teens and 20s. I have already bent over backwards a little to try to make her feel like I like her (my bf said she asked him if I didn't "like her," after out 1st meet. I was baffled and had no idea what I'd done). I gave him my permission for him to tell her I thought she was cool. He apparently told her and said she grumbled about it. It was weird.

I don't want to put anymore effort into this with her. (He also needs to ****ing stop telling me this ****). I just want to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong, by not trying with her. I'm okay being pleasant and interacting. But I'm super put off by the stuff he tells me she expresses about me, and I need to protect myself.

I've never been in a situation like this where I'm dating a man with adult kids. I don't know what the norm is / what I'm supposed to do with them. I sort of wonder if there's an expectation I am not meeting.

We went out of town last weekend and when we got back to his house, I was super antisocial with her, bc of what he said she said about me (I'm not disclosing it here). But then I felt guilty for being antisocial.

I don't think I need to feel guilty for being like that. Especially if i hear someone is a turd about me behind my back. And I guess that's what I mean by "effort." Do I need to be friendly with her just bc she's my bf's daughter? Do I need to TRY with her? As long as I'm not mean and as long as I'm civil, is that enough? Can I still protect myself by being myself and antisocial when I need to be? I hope so.

Thanks in advance.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 04:50 AM
  #2
Honestly after 3 months of dating I’d not even want to meet any family members or them meeting mine, let alone having to try anything in particular with them.. But since you’ve already met her and have to continue meeting her probably more often than normal as she lives with him, I’d say you want to be polite and civil like you’d need to be with anyone. I don’t think anything else is required that early in the game

You don’t need to be trying anything more than that. Not after 3 months! You are still building relationship with him so there’s no need to be building anything with his family.

I don’t think there are any norms but I can assure that after 3 months of dating there are no expectations of any kind of trying anything beyond civility. As relationship develops and if it develops beyond dating and you know everyone better, then some things will develop naturally and some will require effort. It takes time

What do you mean by you being anti social? Like being quiet? Or something more obvious? Like she’d think you don’t like her?

As about your guy passing the negative or questionable messages about who said what about you, it’s a sure way to make you uncomfortable around these people. Does he in general run his mouth a lot? Just talks without thinking?

I think the fact that his daughter said something about you isn’t that big of a deal. I mean people say things. She doesn’t owe any loyalty to you yet as you don’t know each other. But your boyfriend shouldn’t be repeating things. I hope he was told in very specific terms to never do it again.

Relationships between adults and their parents’ partners are fragile enough and aren’t easy to build so no need to make it harder. But seriously I’d not hold it against her. People say things to their kids and parents but it just doesn’t need to repeated to the other person!

Other than that I think you should keep focusing on relationship with him and just be polite and civil with his family.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 07:00 AM
  #3
I have some other thought. Be careful saying anything negative about his kids to him. If you must express disdain, think how you word it. I am not saying you can never say anything critical about people’s kids. You could if needs will arise and it’s something drastic, but not at this point.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 08:57 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Honestly after 3 months of dating I’d not even want to meet any family members or them meeting mine, let alone having to try anything in particular with them.. But since you’ve already met her and have to continue meeting her probably more often than normal as she lives with him, I’d say you want to be polite and civil like you’d need to be with anyone. I don’t think anything else is required that early in the game

You don’t need to be trying anything more than that. Not after 3 months! You are still building relationship with him so there’s no need to be building anything with his family.

I don’t think there are any norms but I can assure that after 3 months of dating there are no expectations of any kind of trying anything beyond civility. As relationship develops and if it develops beyond dating and you know everyone better, then some things will develop naturally and some will require effort. It takes time

What do you mean by you being anti social? Like being quiet? Or something more obvious? Like she’d think you don’t like her?

As about your guy passing the negative or questionable messages about who said what about you, it’s a sure way to make you uncomfortable around these people. Does he in general run his mouth a lot? Just talks without thinking?

I think the fact that his daughter said something about you isn’t that big of a deal. I mean people say things. She doesn’t owe any loyalty to you yet as you don’t know each other. But your boyfriend shouldn’t be repeating things. I hope he was told in very specific terms to never do it again.

Relationships between adults and their parents’ partners are fragile enough and aren’t easy to build so no need to make it harder. But seriously I’d not hold it against her. People say things to their kids and parents but it just doesn’t need to repeated to the other person!

Other than that I think you should keep focusing on relationship with him and just be polite and civil with his family.
Thank you! This reassures me. I had I feeling when I saw you commented that you'd be saying something about how soon it is for all this lol. That reassures me too.

When I say antisocial, I mean when we got back to his house after a long trip home, she was there and I smiled, maybe said hi, but I also just went straight to his room for the most part and did my own thing. I didn't stay around to chat with her / make conversation, nor did I want to.

Yeah him relaying things to me, genuinely triggers me. We did have a convo about it a few weeks ago and we agreed he wouldn't say stuff like that to me anymore. Then last weekend he did it again. It wasn't malicious of him. It just came out of him. He also didn't seem to think what she said was bad as she said it in jest I guess. But I was deeply triggered. I was also deeply concerned I'd offended him. Bc what I said back to him about her, was equally bratty, though I said it in a joking way too.

I agree I need to be careful of what I say about her to him. This is to everyone though: Please don't judge me or put too much emphasis on that part bc it makes me worried. I hope no one judges me. I don't have it in me to deal with.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 08:59 AM
  #5
My thoughts Woven, fwiw.

It sounds like she could be protective of her relationship with her dad, maybe seeing you as a rival. Of course you are not. Her relationship with him is unique same as his relationship with you is unique. They can coexist easily. But I wonder if she maybe feels threatened when she has no need to but she may be coming from a place of insecurity. I may of course be wrong about this.

I don’t think it’s wise of him to pass on the info about what she said about you, that’s just my opinion and it’s not something I would’ve done personally. I’m not sure what he hopes to achieve by doing this, what his rationale is. Have you asked him? You don’t have to answer me btw.

I don’t personally feel making an extra effort would be the right thing here - maybe she might push back against this? Especially if she’s already feeling insecure. It sounds to me like you’ve already tried, it’s not your responsibility to try to get her to like you. I personally am a people pleaser so I would probably have to stop myself at this point, I don’t know if that’s relevant to you.

Is it possible you can ease back to just keeping socialising to the two of you for a while? To take the pressure off?

Hugs to you, it does sound like it’s been a little tricky.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 09:03 AM
  #6
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My thoughts Woven, fwiw.

It sounds like she could be protective of her relationship with her dad, maybe seeing you as a rival. Of course you are not. Her relationship with him is unique same as his relationship with you is unique. They can coexist easily. But I wonder if she maybe feels threatened when she has no need to but she may be coming from a place of insecurity. I may of course be wrong about this.

I don’t think it’s wise of him to pass on the info about what she said about you, that’s just my opinion and it’s not something I would’ve done personally. I’m not sure what he hopes to achieve by doing this, what his rationale is. Have you asked him? You don’t have to answer me btw.

I don’t personally feel making an extra effort would be the right thing here - maybe she might push back against this? Especially if she’s already feeling insecure. It sounds to me like you’ve already tried, it’s not your responsibility to try to get her to like you. I personally am a people pleaser so I would probably have to stop myself at this point, I don’t know if that’s relevant to you.

Is it possible you can ease back to just keeping socialising to the two of you for a while? To take the pressure off?

Hugs to you, it does sound like it’s been a little tricky.
THANK YOU!! Your words brought me relief. I hope to respond more later.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 09:26 AM
  #7
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I was in a relationship with someone who had two kids. Both were in their late teens, adults. I had some rocky issues with his kids. My concern though was "is this person right for me" not his kids. His kids will grow and move in their own relationship. If he is someone who you really want to try and be with, then I say you should stay and just be nice. You said you were so I would continue that. I say this however you need your own boundaries. If this is him not saying what his kids are saying about you, then he needs to respect that. I feel you also have a right to say that you don't appreciate any behavior you don't like that is out of line. In time this could grow into other issues but if you like him and you want to be with him then these are all things that need to be talked about. You should not feel bad in any way, same with him. My point is if you and him cannot have conversations and set boundaries about this then that could lead to other issue. If she would ever become mean/nasty to you, then you have every right to say that is not appropriate. Communication is key is just about every situation which it sounds like you are trying to do that.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 11:23 AM
  #8
I am sure no one judges you! There is nothing to judge, you aren’t doing anything bad or unusual. It’s just hard to navigate these kind of things.

As your relationship progresses I’d probably let his kids lead the way on how they want to proceed in building the relationship. It does take time. There are always some little and some big things to iron out as time progresses. Blended situations have their own unique dynamics. Now one thing I’d like to know is if his daughter plans on always living there or she will eventually be on her own? I sure hope she won’t always live there (unless of course she has a condition requiring her to live at home).
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 12:06 PM
  #9
The daughter might be resisting what she may unconsciously see as an effort to disrupt her relationship with her father and/or to replace her mother. Especially considering that she lives with him: Anyone moving in with him will have a substantial effect on her daily life.

Therefore, to me it is important to understand that what she has to say need not be taken personally; it often comes with the territory when seeing someone who has children.
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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 01:05 PM
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I agree with Bill. Also we women are territorial. That’s why I wondered if she plans on moving and being on her own eventually? I have good relationship with my stepdaughters but there is no way I’d live with them, unless something drastic would occurred and they couldn’t be on their own. And I’d not want to live with my own daughter. She could be a pain.

And what’s their relationship with their mother? That makes a difference too
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