[Orwellian Nightmare]

I thought my Ex and I were doing OK following our separation.

Recently, though, I've been feeling rather prickly with her (I'm going through, what I supposed must be, natural stages of grieving and loss). Sometimes I think it's anger I'm feeling.

We always struggled. We still do. I know anger isn't a useful emotion to have but I hate the way she sometimes addresses me - She can be kind of belittling. I, in turn, can be punishing and thoughtless (then the anger is turned on myself).

Any strategies/suggestions for dealing with these strong post-relationship emotions?

[Yaowen]

I definitely feel for what you must be going through from my own personal experiences after a really unhappy breakup.

A psychologist taught me a little trick for getting through the really rough times with my anger. Don't know if it would be helpful to you or just a waste of your time but I will share it with you. Apologies in advance if it isn't helpful.

The brain operates on two different levels. On one level there a stream of constant thoughts and feelings that enter and leave one's consciousness. No one "asks" for this thought stream. One thought pops into one's mind and then another pushes that thought out and lingers a bit before being pushed out by another thought or feeling.

If there was only this thought stream, we would be literally at the mercy of what our brains are doing to us.

But we have the ability to sort of rise above this automatic thought stream and observe it, like a person in a mountain stream might step out of it and sit on the banks of the stream watching it go by.

There is a principle in psychology called "paradoxical intention." Sometimes when we try to do things the opposite of what we want happens. So we can turn things around. If one feels oppressed by one's automatic thoughts, one might try to flee from them. But ironically this often makes them come back more and more and stronger and stronger.

So the trick is to sort of embrace the unwelcome thought or feeling.

Here is a kind of example:

The thought of anger has entered my consciousness.
Now a memory has entered my consciousness.
Now I am experiencing a feeling of anger at myself for feeling angry.
Now I am trying to distract myself from that feeling.
Now I am feeling a little bit nervous about how strong the anger is.
Now I feeling that someone has been unfair to me.
Now a feeling a stronger anger that has popped into my mind again.

Here one is observing the automatic thoughts. The act of observation is empowering. But one can sometimes go further and embrace the thoughts and feelings even though this might sound crazy.

Here is an example . . .

I love you brain even though you are generating a string of angry thoughts.
I love you brain even though now you are generating the thought of being angry because you are angry.
I love you brain even though now you are feeling a little weary of these angry thoughts.
I love you brain even though now you are feeling that these angry thoughts are dangerous.
I love you brain even though now you are generating sad thoughts about your angry thoughts.

The point is to embrace your brain no matter what automatic thoughts it generates. This takes away its power over us.

I found this technique very helpful when I was going through a really bad time with rage and anger after an unhappy separation. The idea is to not run away from the thoughts and feelings but run towards them and even embrace them. This shows that one has power over them.

There are other techniques too. One is called "flooding." Another is called "deconstruction." Not sure any of these would be helpful to you in the situation you described so I am just mentioning them as things that helped me.

I think your anger is understandable in the circumstances. But if you are feeling oppressed or trapped by the anger, that is a different story. I hope others here will read your post and respond with more helpful words than my poor words. Anger can sometimes be overwhelming and can steal one's peace of mind and joy of living. Wish I knew how to be helpful to you! Sadly I am just a fellow struggler.

Yao Wen

[Orwellian Nightmare]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

The brain operates on two different levels. On one level there a stream of constant thoughts and feelings that enter and leave one's consciousness. No one "asks" for this thought stream. One thought pops into one's mind and then another pushes that thought out and lingers a bit before being pushed out by another thought or feeling.

But we have the ability to sort of rise above this automatic thought stream and observe it, like a person in a mountain stream might step out of it and sit on the banks of the stream watching it go by.

Yaowen

You don't know how much I appreciate your perspective. I want to thank you for this considered and practical reply, which, I can assure you, I'll follow-up on as soon as I get the chance.

Honestly, I have no way of knowing who you really are, but please just know that, for this individual, your gentle acknowledgement is a much-needed support in a time of acute personal upheaval.

The notion of thoughts holding power over us resonated with me. It may be related to the idea of an adversary's words hurting us. In that way we have also allowed them some unwarranted power. Power which may be addressed in a similar way to the one you suggest.

Again, thank you.

Edit: I'll just add, for any fellow separatees out there, that one way I've tried to rationalise things is to consider the situation from her perspective: I know she is also hurting - the pain may originate in a different place to mine, but it is pain nonetheless. I also know she'll be trying to deal with the separation in ways that I do not - Whether she's b1tch1ng to friends, sobbing with her hairdresser or whatever, that's how she is working through this situation. From time to time her feelings are going to manifest as resentment or anger towards me. I have to accept this, too, as a natural part of the grieving/healing process. She has as much right to those emotions as anyone else.

[UnawareBS]

I will have to try or consider trying some of those tactics from Yaowen. I am in a similar relationship where negativity and anger get recycled and never really dealt with. I reject her anger at me and vice versa. It starts seem rather barren. I reject her anger toward me and she does the same if I react to her anger.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I definitely feel for what you must be going through from my own personal experiences after a really unhappy breakup.

A psychologist taught me a little trick for getting through the really rough times with my anger. Don't know if it would be helpful to you or just a waste of your time but I will share it with you. Apologies in advance if it isn't helpful.

The brain operates on two different levels. On one level there a stream of constant thoughts and feelings that enter and leave one's consciousness. No one "asks" for this thought stream. One thought pops into one's mind and then another pushes that thought out and lingers a bit before being pushed out by another thought or feeling.

If there was only this thought stream, we would be literally at the mercy of what our brains are doing to us.

But we have the ability to sort of rise above this automatic thought stream and observe it, like a person in a mountain stream might step out of it and sit on the banks of the stream watching it go by.

There is a principle in psychology called "paradoxical intention." Sometimes when we try to do things the opposite of what we want happens. So we can turn things around. If one feels oppressed by one's automatic thoughts, one might try to flee from them. But ironically this often makes them come back more and more and stronger and stronger.

So the trick is to sort of embrace the unwelcome thought or feeling.

Here is a kind of example:

The thought of anger has entered my consciousness.
Now a memory has entered my consciousness.
Now I am experiencing a feeling of anger at myself for feeling angry.
Now I am trying to distract myself from that feeling.
Now I am feeling a little bit nervous about how strong the anger is.
Now I feeling that someone has been unfair to me.
Now a feeling a stronger anger that has popped into my mind again.

Here one is observing the automatic thoughts. The act of observation is empowering. But one can sometimes go further and embrace the thoughts and feelings even though this might sound crazy.

Here is an example . . .

I love you brain even though you are generating a string of angry thoughts.
I love you brain even though now you are generating the thought of being angry because you are angry.
I love you brain even though now you are feeling a little weary of these angry thoughts.
I love you brain even though now you are feeling that these angry thoughts are dangerous.
I love you brain even though now you are generating sad thoughts about your angry thoughts.

The point is to embrace your brain no matter what automatic thoughts it generates. This takes away its power over us.

I found this technique very helpful when I was going through a really bad time with rage and anger after an unhappy separation. The idea is to not run away from the thoughts and feelings but run towards them and even embrace them. This shows that one has power over them.

There are other techniques too. One is called "flooding." Another is called "deconstruction." Not sure any of these would be helpful to you in the situation you described so I am just mentioning them as things that helped me.

I think your anger is understandable in the circumstances. But if you are feeling oppressed or trapped by the anger, that is a different story. I hope others here will read your post and respond with more helpful words than my poor words. Anger can sometimes be overwhelming and can steal one's peace of mind and joy of living. Wish I knew how to be helpful to you! Sadly I am just a fellow struggler.

Yao Wen

Don’t doubt of your insight. Your replies are full of knowledge and empathy. You can’t guess how much.

What you described is to think mindful. This is the key to manage emotions. 😀
Also what the OP expresses. The ability to put himself in the other person’s shoes and understand that his partner is also going through a hard moment.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Orwellian Nightmare

Yaowen

You don't know how much I appreciate your perspective. I want to thank you for this considered and practical reply, which, I can assure you, I'll follow-up on as soon as I get the chance.

Honestly, I have no way of knowing who you really are, but please just know that, for this individual, your gentle acknowledgement is a much-needed support in a time of acute personal upheaval.

The notion of thoughts holding power over us resonated with me. It may be related to the idea of an adversary's words hurting us. In that way we have also allowed them some unwarranted power. Power which may be addressed in a similar way to the one you suggest.

Again, thank you.

Edit: I'll just add, for any fellow separatees out there, that one way I've tried to rationalise things is to consider the situation from her perspective: I know she is also hurting - the pain may originate in a different place to mine, but it is pain nonetheless. I also know she'll be trying to deal with the separation in ways that I do not - Whether she's b1tch1ng to friends, sobbing with her hairdresser or whatever, that's how she is working through this situation. From time to time her feelings are going to manifest as resentment or anger towards me. I have to accept this, too, as a natural part of the grieving/healing process. She has as much right to those emotions as anyone else.

Exactly, each person handle the situations as best as they can, according to their circumstances.
So, it also applies you. It’s awesome and a step forward that you want to take the leads in what managing anger regards but don’t feel bad with yourself if you let you drive by it in a moment. It’s understandable. Don’t let a moment of mistake distract you from the main goal, that it’s to manage as better as possible this hard situation.

Putting yourself into her shoes but also having compassion with yourself is gonna be key to empower you.

Hope you and her overcome this situation the best way possible. Good luck!

[ArmorPlate108]

Yaowen, great post. I'm going to print it out and put it in my self-therapy folder.

Orwellian Nightmare,, I'm coming more and more to understand anger as a very important emotion. It tells us something ain't right, and tells us to do something different. Is she trying to get a rise out of you? If you think it's something like that, it can be easier to not react. That's an issue in my marriage, DH will snip and bait to get a reaction and essentially transfer the anger off himself. Then he can look at me and say, "see, you're the angry one. I don't have a problem."

It's really hard to not react. There's a lot on anger in literature on boundaries. The advice there would be to respond rather than react. Easier said than done. Though it's not healthy in an intact relationship, learning to ignore it in the moment and process it later might help in a dissolving relationship. I think of DH being in a three year old mind set and it's easier to just ignore it, change the subject, etc. Later, you can journal about it, or vent someplace like here.- if you feel a need to.

I use to be in a place where I felt like I had to get the last word and not let anyone "best" me, but later I've learned that there is a lot of power in being able to resist the bait. Still, easier said than done, but anger does serve a purpose.