[Biba_yu]

First of all, English is not my native language so this might not be very well written...
My ex and I broke up around 15 months ago, and I will try to explain in as little words as I can. He was super attached to his parents, and they are both very very sick and need constant 24 hour care. They don't have money or means for any help and there is no cure for any of them so their son, my ex, has to be with them, bathe and feed them, clean, and take care of them basically 24 hours every day. Their diseases are not curable or treatable but they can live long long time, sadly in great pain and suffering. I feel for him and his problems, even though his quite strong attachment to his parents was an issue in our relationship even before they got sick. Still, I loved him and considered him my best friend. Sadly, he retreated from me completely in time, and it became quite obvious, he will never have free time again. This is a full day care and he literally can't get out of it. He says it's hell, and I believe him. I don't know how bad it will be for him when one day his parents pass away and I dread that because I know it will be extremely bad. I would like to be there for him, but he is pushing me away even as a friend.
We broke up because we could never see each other, and he was extremely depressed and constantly saying he became "bad man", and declined every my attempt to help him in any way. Just detached from me... I still want him as a friend but when I try to contact him, and it's possible only on messenger, he just wrote something like "it's very bad", "hellish" or whatever and stops writing. Our relationship on love side wasn't great but I always cherished him as a friend and I want to help but he refuses. He won' t pick up a phone, he only sends short dark and depressed messages when I ask him then cuts me off. Again.
I am worried but I am out of resources to contact him or help him. I can't visit because he forbade me that, said it would disturb his very sick parents. They are both physically and mentally very very sick. It's bad. I believe him when he says that. But this is torture. We were friends for 25 years, love relationship on the side, I miss my friend. I want to help him. I don't want him to fall apart not now or ever worse when they are gone. His messages worry me. He wants to cut me off, says he "became horrible human" and I don't know what to do.
I am very scared that I am pushy and that I force something that isn't there anymore.

[divine1966]

If someone refuses to see you and speak to you, to continue bothering him is borderline harassment. The fact that you still want him around doesn’t mean you need to keep pursuing him. Your wish to be with him doesn’t trump his wish not to be with you. Imagine if the roles were reversed and a man continued demanding communication and friendship with you after you made it clear you don’t want it. I bet you’d feel harassed. Yes it is pushy.

I recall your posts from the past, you were never in his house besides dating for years. You don’t really know how sick they are. They both have incurable diseases that require 24/7 care for so many years, I am surprised they are still alive! You aren’t allowed to visit so who knows what’s really going on. I call it BS

Relationship 101: if he wanted, he would. Nothing stops a man from having a woman in his life. If he wanted, he would. He doesn’t. Time to move on

[Have Hope]

If you've known him 25 years, how come the only way to contact him is on Messenger? Did he block you on his cell phone?

So, the bottom line is: you must stop pushing this with him. You must stop contacting him. He doesn't want your help, he doesn't want your friendship and he doesn't want a relationship. I agree with divine. This is borderline harassment. You've got to respect his desires and leave him alone.

[Rive.]

How does he earn a living if he needs to care for them 24/7?

Do you know what disease they have (I am not asking you to say it here). It is strange to be very very sick, incurable, yet they can live a long life *and* there is no carer but their son.

Thirdly, how you can help him? Leave him alone. He doesn't want your help. He cut you off and expressed it very clearly. He is an adult. He can make his own decisions. Clearly the 25 year friendship doesn't mean the same to him. So, move on.

[Biba_yu]

I can't blame you all for getting to those conclusion, when I read what I wrote it really looks bad. But this is too complex situation to explain in anything less that several pages and who wants to read that? I am not a crazy stalker, though I can see how it may look that way. I am not pushing or harassing him. I sent him few messages over a year period and since I know him for 25 years, I knew from his replies that he is mentally in really bad place and on the edge, so much that I fear that he could do something to himself. I know the man. He is not "usual" if I may say so. He never lies, that sounds weird, but he doesn't. He will try to avoid truth if it's unpleasant but if you ask him directly he will say it. He has a bit exaggerated attachment to his parents, but who am I to judge him? It's his choice. I don't want him as my boyfriend, I do not contact him except few careful messages, but I am worried he might hurt himself if you know what I mean. I would want to help a stranger who wants to hurt themselves let alone someone who used to be my friend. Problem is, he refuses any help and as he said before while we were still having contact, sometimes, he "just wants to die". He also said and wrote multiple times that his life is "hell". And I do believe him. He does need help, maybe not my help, but some. But he refuses it, as depressed people do.
I see I come off as a crazy stalker woman who wants her ex back, and as I am not native English, it's quite possible that I am not best in this language and what I write can be read wrongly. But in simplest term, I am afraid that man who used to be my friend will hurt himself, badly and I don't know what to do as he refuses any contact with me. That is all. Hope I wrote this better.
PS it's not my place to state which diseases those are, but these two people are over 80 and have horrible physical deformities due to old age, and I rather not get into details but they do need round the clock care. Also, I don't think I need to explain how he survives moneywise, it doesn't matter here. Obviously, they barely get by.

[Molinit]

The friendship has run its course. Stop trying to contact him. If he needs help, he needs to find it for himself.

[Rose76]

I don't think pursuing "friendship" with a former romantic partner is ever a good idea, even with someone who is mentally healthy. It leads to someone becoming unhappy.

I agree with you that this man is emotionally fragile and in a ridiculously stressful situation. However, nothing you do will change that. His bond with his parents is what it is. He should not be expressing such morbid thoughts to you, while refusing your help. This guy has kind of a "martyr complex." It's best you don't provide an audience for that.

I don't know how things work in every country. Still, there is probably a nursing home that could care for his parents. He could visit daily and help with their care, but he'ld get breaks. His parents raised him to be as he is. He probably won't consider altering the arrangement he's in. I doubt you really want to take on caring for these two old people, even part of the time. The whole set up is unhealthy. You really have to just let go.

If he contacts you at some point specifically asking for a favor or to speak with you, then you could respond in a kind, compassionate way. But, starting now, leave the ball in his court. If he sends you despairing messages of how he wants to die, tell him, "I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. Let me know if I can help in any way." Then leave it to him to initiate anything further.

Taking care of his parents is not going to kill him. Many people care for multiple needy family members. I understand he's lonely. I suspect he would still be a lonely man, if both his parents were gone to heaven and he were free. He is chronically depressed. That probably will never change.

Knowing him so long, you're sad to see his life being pretty tragic. Don't revolve your thoughts around his sad life to fill up some emptiness in your own life. Find other friends you can be involved with on a healthier basis. Don't decide you have to make yourself sad because he is sad. There is no way you are going to become his savior. He won't let you. He has decided against that. Respect his right to decide for himself.

If helping needy people is something you love to do, find some worthwhile charity you can volunteer with. They will put your energy and abilities to good use. You might even end up saving someone's life. Some situations you have to leave to God or to fate, when a person won't open the door to help. If you are so inclined, you keep the person in your prayers, and you move on. Don't stay stuck ruminating about something that's not for you to control. Let go.

[Biba_yu]

Thank you, Rose! What you wrote really makes sense to me. It's all true. You are right, he will not put them in nursing home, he even tried to get help as he wrote me once, but his mother was screaming against it so he had to let that go. I felt so bad for him. But I can't really help him. I just wanted to be "there" (somewhere) as support if he needs to talk, but it seems he doesn't want that too. He thinks that will get me "stuck in one place waiting for him" (maybe I am not using this "phrase" correctly), with what I do not agree because I do go out and have my life without him. I am just very worried.
I do try to help people or, since I am not really good at it, to be a fun person to be around (which I am also not good at but I am trying). I love animals and I am really into preserving nature, so this is one thing I really stand for. Again, that's tough because I live in country where government doesn't give a flying cr*p about nature and destroys every green area to put concrete on it for some parking or bank or whatever. It can get frustrating and I am not that young anymore. But I do try to help, whenever I can. It's just that in case of this particular man, I really can't help, and I was wondering if I should stop trying. Because it just gets me feel like I am pushing him even tough I just sent him several worried messages.
Thank you!

[Rive.]

I didn't ask you to state the disease they have and I was very clear about that.

And yes, you keep pushing when he does not want you to. You would help a stranger but if the stranger does not want your help, it is *their* decision which you have to respect. This man, in your own words "refuses contact" with you yet you keep pushing. This is not helping. He is a grown man, he is not a helpless little boy. He chose this life and wants to be left alone. People are entitled to make their own decisions. He does not want your help.

[Have Hope]

There comes a time when we must let go - he has concerned you and you worry he will harm himself. He must take care of his own life and his own self, and there's really not much more you can do. You've already expressed concern. Your hands are tied. He doesn't want help and he doesn't want contact. It's time to just let it go and move on with your life. You can hope and wish for the best for him.

[Rose76]

In answer to your question: Yes, you should stop trying to help him. Also, stop pouring so much mental energy into worrying about him. Put that energy into something you can actually do. Let go of his problem. You cannot solve it.

[divine1966]

Time to move on. Since you’ve never been to his home, never met his parents, he never spent a night with you or travelled anywhere, whatever he says is all hearsay. If he wanted help, he’d ask for it over many years you’ve know him. Since you officially broke up, trying to contact him is not healthy. Since you aren’t in a romantic relationship, he’s not obligated to contact you and is free to pursue other relationships or not.. Let him live his life

There are ton of people who do need help and would welcome it. He chooses his way to live. He refused to have normal relationship even before his parents got sick and old. It’s a choice.

Many people need help because they don’t have a choice: sick, disabled, young children, elderly etc If you are inclined to help people there are ton of people/kids/animals you could help. This man isn’t one of them. He’s not interested. He is a grown up.

Please don’t waste your life on men who aren’t interested. If you truly just doing it because you just want to help, then there ton of people you could help.

[Biba_yu]

I got to the pretty much the same conclusion myself. Leaving him alone. I have been already going on dates for months now, not really successfully still, but who knows? I can't wait for someone who does not want me. We did broke up, even if it wasn't that obvious or explicitly said.

Divine1966, you remember my previous posts! Yes, it wasn't good relationship but it had its positive sides, at least for me. I am not easy person to be with, otherwise I wouldn't ask for help and had many therapists over the years. So dating me can be a lot and finding someone I like that much also isn't easy. I understand that with this person it's pretty much over. I believe him when he talks about his situation at home, because he does not lie, but I am really tired of chasing someone who does not want me.
You are right, he does not want help. He could have help, but he finds reasons not to get it. If his mother screams against when he wants to hire help, he should be able to explain her why that is necessary, not give up and feel like a victim. It's not my battle, neither I am invited. You are right, I am done.