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Default Jul 19, 2022 at 04:51 PM
  #41
You are no way responsible. You are concerned because he’s your husband.
As well as psychological problems may affect body, physical problems also effect psychologically.

I understand that he can be very happy with her therapist but I wonder which step he’s gonna be able to make after the obvious lack of relevance this lady gave to your insight. It seemed, reading your description of the session that she was few more than gaslighting you. When you are indeed, the person who is day after day with him.
I would go there to see her and speak clear with her about the attitude she took.
Sometimes, the real support for another person is, even when non pleasant, make him see the reality. Not what she’s allegedly doing by sugarcoating him. I’m not a therapist or anything even close, but it’s common sense. And she has to take into account how he manages his relations with others, especially, with you and his daughter. It’s very important she treats all levels he might have problem in: Personal, interpersonal and cognitive.

I would give it a try for a second session with him and the therapist.

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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 08:56 AM
  #42
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
You are no way responsible. You are concerned because he’s your husband.
As well as psychological problems may affect body, physical problems also effect psychologically.

I understand that he can be very happy with her therapist but I wonder which step he’s gonna be able to make after the obvious lack of relevance this lady gave to your insight. It seemed, reading your description of the session that she was few more than gaslighting you. When you are indeed, the person who is day after day with him.
I would go there to see her and speak clear with her about the attitude she took.
Sometimes, the real support for another person is, even when non pleasant, make him see the reality. Not what she’s allegedly doing by sugarcoating him. I’m not a therapist or anything even close, but it’s common sense. And she has to take into account how he manages his relations with others, especially, with you and his daughter. It’s very important she treats all levels he might have problem in: Personal, interpersonal and cognitive.

I would give it a try for a second session with him and the therapist.
Thank you for the thoughts.

The other day I read a couple of pages of posts on a dementia board about showtiming. It was frighteningly relateable. Many of the caregivers felt that they were made out to be "the crazy one." And some even wondered if they were. That's not to say he has dementia, it just showed what an uphill battle things can be for a lot of people like myself.

The counselor seems to be taking him at face value. He says the right things to where she must conceive that he is a rational person, who can tune in and give and take in a relationship. He can't, at least not with me and DD. But as long as she's convinced of that, it's going to be a dead end.

I said several times during the session that he had undergone a huge and frightening personality change very quickly and that his loss of empathy was the biggest barrier to us being able to connect. She would just circle back around to needing to express needs and initiate contact. At one point I said, "it's very hard to build an interpersonal relationship with someone who is unable to tune into your feelings." She just circled back to unhelpful ideas. Towards the end when she got going on solutions that I felt were failed roads we've already gone down, I outright said to her, "I feel like something big is missing in this man. That there's a bigger neurological issue still undiagnosed." Back to a lecture about how much he's gone through. Never mind that the first twenty nine years I knew him, he handled pretty much everything without losing a second of sleep- and some of those things were huge. Now I worry if he can handle getting a flat tire on the car without having a nervous breakdown.

It may not have been kind of me to be that direct, but I was really frustrated at that point. Last winter when he started going to the doctor complaining about cognitive problems, he did not think it was psychiatric, he felt something else medically was wrong, but then again he really isn't able to get a good read on himself. But it is how I feel too.

At this point, the only thing I can do is interact as best as I can with the person in front of me. It's awkward and uncomfortable. He will barely speak to me. It's as though he expects me to be the solution to his problems and too often, that means emotionally dumping on me in some way. I just can't do that anymore, so the relationship continues to break down.

The last week or so, my gut feeling has been that he might be dropping into a depressive phase again. I hope so because he is 100 times easier to deal with when he is depressed versus agitated. He is only self aware when in a depressive state. But he's on antidepressants for the first time and I don't know how that might affect his perception or experience of shifting to depressed. Or if he will at all. If he thinks he feels normal then he'll continue to go nowhere.

Anyway, after giving it some thought, I'm definitely not interested in going back. It was so utterly unproductive and set me back about ten steps in my codependency work.

If I don't go back, hopefully she'll get the message that I've got some degree of boundaries, though she'll probably just chalk it up to my unreasonable barriers....

If I do go back, I'll probably end up being made out to be a hovering, controlling, manipulative hag who's at least partly responsible for his misery.

Nope. Option one is much better for me.

Thank you once again for so much help.
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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 09:20 AM
  #43
I had never heard the expression ‘show timing’ before, thanks for sharing that, yes that makes perfect sense and I think it’s very common for people to resist diagnosis. I would say though that a good experienced Dr should be aware of this and looking out for it.

It doesn’t sound like this therapist will be any help at all, almost like her mind is closed to other possibilities. That must be frustrating. Did he end up seeing her after going to the Dr last winter when he thought there was something medical going on? It sounds like he had similar thoughts to yourself back then but has since changed his mind, is that right?
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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 09:55 AM
  #44
The therapist works for him, has his version of his history, and this will always be of more weight than anything you tell the therapist.
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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 04:59 PM
  #45
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I had never heard the expression ‘show timing’ before, thanks for sharing that, yes that makes perfect sense and I think it’s very common for people to resist diagnosis. I would say though that a good experienced Dr should be aware of this and looking out for it.

It doesn’t sound like this therapist will be any help at all, almost like her mind is closed to other possibilities. That must be frustrating. Did he end up seeing her after going to the Dr last winter when he thought there was something medical going on? It sounds like he had similar thoughts to yourself back then but has since changed his mind, is that right?
Dh's counselor was unfamiliar with the show timing term too. In their first session he brought it up to her, and admitted to being aware that he does this and is confused by it. It depends on where he is mentally though- depressed, he's aware, in the agitated/hypomanic state, he will deny it. She didn't seem to think much of it. Probably made up an excuse for him.

The doctors.... He had the outbursts and personality changes for 3.5 years, (spinal tumor in the middle of that, but removal didn't change anything- at least not for long) then late last year he started having trouble with focus, cognitive abilities, felt pushed into making bad decisions at work, so went to the gp for 'brain fog'. That was the first time he seemed to be able to admit that he had a problem and that it predated the tumor being found.

Because he's had some other physical issues, they sent him to pulmonology, allergy, immunology, and for lots of blood work. Nothing significant found. Since he'd had the spine tumor, the gp sent him for the brain MRI. When that came back looking normal, he had to push her to get a referral to neurology. Neurology did a basic work up and nothing more, even though he performed poorly there. Because of his younger age and the fact that he's still working, they weren't interested in pushing it further. They figure that someone his age is having a midlife crisis and depression. The only thing they offered is that his B12 was a bit on the low side, so they told him to take some of that.

He does this thing every few months where he declares himself cured and back to normal. He generally seems very agitated when this happens. It's the same old conversation, but one he denies has ever happened before. It feels like a broken record to me though. It looks something like this.

Him: I feel all better. I don't know what it is, but I can tell that something has changed in me. It's different this time.

Me: I'm glad you are feeling better, but you've felt this way before from time to time. You've even used the same words to describe it.

Him: No, this time is different. I'm doing things different and am better than I have been in a long time. I'm all better now and we need to go back to being the way we were before I got sick. It's all better now.

Me: let's give it some time and see where it goes, it's only been a couple of weeks since you weren't feeling well this last time.

Him: I don't know what your problem is. Why do you always have to be like this? I'm finally getting better and your just trying to drag me down again. (This is when he might get hostile, call me names, threaten to leave, etc.)

I am probably not handling him well. I hate his denial and don't want him to get ahead of himself when he's like that. Reality doesn't seem to have a seat at the table.

Years of this predictable pattern, and he can't seem to see it. Each time looks exactly like the last to me and DD, but to him each one of these events is him being miraculously healed. He did this just last week, and with the antidepressants mixed in, I'm not sure what to think. Usually after this declaration and lecture happen, he drops into a depression and starts to see that something is wrong.

He did this scenario a couple of weeks after seeing the neurologist early in the year, and two weeks on the vitamins and he was "healed.". Within a few weeks he went into horrible depression and had the nervous breakdown. It was only because of that that he finally went to psychiatry and counseling. He, and his family, are very resistant to that branch of medicine. In all honesty, I'd never had any hope of him getting that far. Now I'm not so sure the counselor is able to do much good, if only because she has no idea of how he really is.

Thanks you so much for reading my posts and hearing me. This board has helped so much over the past week or so.
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Default Jul 20, 2022 at 05:07 PM
  #46
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The therapist works for him, has his version of his history, and this will always be of more weight than anything you tell the therapist.
Well said. I kind of feel like she is suppose to be there for him- to help him "unpack" his issues and learn how to deal with them. She's not there for me in a direct way, and that's not what she's supposed to be doing. It still feels inappropriate to me that she pulled me into the session the way she did, with recommendations about how I needed to proceed with him. She doesn't even know me or much of anything about me .
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Default Jul 21, 2022 at 01:26 PM
  #47
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The therapist works for him, has his version of his history, and this will always be of more weight than anything you tell the therapist.
Not a good one. A good therapist has to dive deep down to see what’s actually going. (S)he’s like an investigator.
Sometimes patients are very good at hiding what they consider vulnerable.

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Default Jul 21, 2022 at 02:03 PM
  #48
The fact that he seems to say the appropriate things when being with others (as when he’s with the therapist, for example) makes me think he’s mind work well, so the dementia issue doesn’t convince me.

He seems to dodging his issues. Sometimes physical issues are to blame, other times it’s because according to him, you don’t understand him.

You mentioned a disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder. Did he officially get such diagnosis?
It’s important to know because one common characteristic in personality disorders is the rigid interpretation of reality. And the difficult to see what’s wrong with them.
He should be assessed by a profesional to get an accurate diagnosis so he will have more possibilities to follow the best therapy for it.

Said that. I give you all the credit and affection because it has to be very hard to deal with your partner in life and feel as if you were hitting against a wall.
Have you researcher about borderline personality disorder? It’s not easy to cope with a person with this disorder when (s)he’s not being treat. There are some moments when they see reality completely different to us. And it’s not easy they notice these moments. It’s like having two personas. The one who think rationally and the one who lose control.

Tell him to go for an assessment. And this is gonna be the beginning of his commitment to work.

In regards to you. I’m noone to tell you what to do. I know you are suffering, and of course, you are also worried for your child and how it may effect her. Only you can know how much patience you have left.
We are here, to support you whatever decision you make.

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Default Jul 21, 2022 at 02:04 PM
  #49
@Armor, how’s your child coping with this situation?

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Default Jul 24, 2022 at 10:10 AM
  #50
Was going to let this thread die down, but wanted to vent again. All hell broke loose the other day. I'm feeling like I'm married to a full blown narcissist at this point. I honestly don't think he was eight years ago- can someone suffer brain damage and become a narcissist?

A few days ago he was fussing around all morning, making provocative comments. I felt like he was trying to pick a fight to ease his inner crap. As usual, I didn't respond. It's very passive aggressive of him, so if I engage him, he doesn't have to take responsibility.

He made a little weird comment and I responded with what I felt was a pretty innocuous comment. He snarked that I had interrupted him and needed to "shut up" and wait for him to finish. I don't think I interrupted him, I think he fabricated that to unload, but whatever...

DD was standing next to me and I asked her if I had been rude or interrupted (I regret this now), but she said I hadn't, then he got crabby with her. It was seriously over nothing. DD and I decided to go for a short walk - let things blow over. On our walk, DD commented that the only way she remembers him is this guy who has an angry/irritable baseline. She doesn't remember the fun and engaged person I do.

When we got back from our walk, he was stomping around dramatically and packing a suitcase. I asked him what he was doing (I'm a codependent in progress, I should have just ignored him... Hindsight. ) He said he was leaving and was going to file for divorce. I asked him if he was serious and he said he was. I lost it. For the first time in years, I lost it. I verbally dumped on him, let out a bunch of the repressed stuff. My poor kid. I understand about reactive abuse- not okay, but normal. I understand that my reaction was inappropriate and I feel so terrible. Worst of all, I gave him just what he wanted. Now after years of him acting disgruntled, pounding on computers and phones, knocking things off desks, making snarky comments, picking fights where there are none. I'm the monster for finally reacting to a huge provocation.

I was so angry in that moment that he is so selfish that he can't think about what he's doing to DD. Divorce would mean that I would have to move her elsewhere with a massive downgrade in lifestyle. I do not understand why he can't act civil for her sake. Throw me in the trash completely in a few more years when she is grown. Make sure she doesn't have to move to a new town, a new school, it would mean a serious downgrade in lifestyle for her, probably to an apartment that is much less safe. That prospect at this point is terrifying to me. That's why I reacted that way. He seemed serious to me. Fwiw. Later in the day I talked to Dd and apologized. I told her he's sick and I have no excuse, but maybe I do....I don't know.

He came to me later and claimed that I was the one who said divorce, not him. I stood up to that. Then he said he only said it because I was pushing and pushing him. I don't think I was, I just wanted to know if he was serious so I could start making other plans right when school is starting for DD. He circled back around to he didn't really mean it, and if we did divorce, I wouldn't have to worry about it- dd and I could stay here. This led to a whole other weird conversation where he has this delusional plan where he lives elsewhere, and DD and I live here, and we can somehow afford both lifestyles. Even if we had the means to afford two households, that isn't reasonable. I'm not going to stay here like a piece of furniture in storage. He just doesn't get it. I seriously think he's suffered brain damage.

Yesterday he was trying to be nice. Now that he managed to get me to blow up, he's nice and calm and relatively happy. He sort of apologized for the first time in years ( though he got defensive any time I tried to have a thought or feeling about the matter). He's not really looking or acting normal though- he still looks like he's not firing on all cylinders. He even tried to be huggy and assure me that he would never leave me. I didn't even respond to that because on some level I'm so burnt that I'm no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. He really thinks he can put me back in my place that easily.

Anyhow, now he can take that to the counselor and she can see that he truly is the victim and I'm the monster. I think he didn't want to go to counseling initially because he felt like he'd have to take responsibility, now it feels like he's managed to manipulate an ally into the fold. According to him, at his last session, the counselor told him that she could tell what an angry person I am from our Skype meeting. She could see that he cowered and completely changed who he was around me. (Never mind that he's twice my size). I didn't feel that I came across that way, but maybe I did? I was a little nervous and sometimes frustrated, and whenever she'd ask about a particularly terrible event, I'd stop and ask him if it was okay if I told her. I figured it was his session and I didn't want to overstep. I thought I was being direct and respectful, but apparently not?

I am completely fed up, but at least I have that much more clarity now. I'm seeing him more and more for how he is now and that he probably is not going to change back.

I've even been thinking about reaching out to some estranged relatives, just in a ditch effort to get some moral support, but if those fall through, it might be too devastating. After all, there are reasons for the estrangements, and they might indicate that they side with him against me. That's a pretty big risk that I'm not sure I can take.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent here. I'm going to keep moving forward as best as I can. Moral of the story is that I should have listened to my gut and not gone to that session. I feel like it was just one more thing he used to manipulate things in his favor. I wonder how much the counselor really believes? Doesn't matter I suppose.

Please think positive thoughts for me. I need to solve my life in a real way. At least right now I feel like I have the resolve to look forward and not delude myself anymore. If you made it all the way through this post, thank you.
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Default Jul 24, 2022 at 10:30 AM
  #51
(((Hugs)))

I’m wondering how you feel envisioning a life apart from him? You mentioned downgrading your life style and the effect it would have on your daughter but do you think there may be a possibility of a more settled and peaceful life for her and for yourself?

Please don’t worry (not easy I know) about his therapist and what she may or may not think of you - if what he says is true btw, because it comes across like he’s using her as triangulation. Whatever she thinks is not the absolute truth in the matter.
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Default Jul 24, 2022 at 12:14 PM
  #52
Thank you discombobulated. There are so many pieces that are hard for me wrap my head around. I'm going round and round with myself. DD gets very distressed if she starts thinking about having to leave everything she's ever known. The worst part is I'm still worried about his ability to function independently. He is such a different person that I am still worried that he is neurologically compromised. That was the whole point of me talking to the counselor or so I thought.

This morning he is withdrawn and disgruntled. He came in and asked if I was reading. I said I was and he left without anything else. Didn't say he wanted to talk - he does not ask for what he needs, just expects others to provide it, but honestly since he didn't say, I don't know. Later I found him sitting and staring the bedroom and went ahead and asked him if he needed anything. He said no in that low mood way. Then he disappeared to the garage. I feel like he's trying to do the emotional manipulation thing and it is hard to ignore, especially when he looks bad. Btw. I found out after the argument that he'd gone off his antidepressants a week ago and didn't tell me. Keep on keeping on, we'll see what the day brings. Ugh.

ETA: thank you for reminding me that he may very well be using triangulation. Since I didn't feel good about my interaction with her, it probably makes it even easier for him to do that.

Last edited by ArmorPlate108; Jul 24, 2022 at 02:41 PM..
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Default Jul 24, 2022 at 11:11 PM
  #53
I am so sorry dear.I wish I could do something. But alas,I donot even know how to console you.Praying for you.
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Default Jul 24, 2022 at 11:55 PM
  #54
You asked for positive replies. And I’m not sure if the one I’m gonna give you, may be felt as a positive one. I think it is, that’s why I’m gonna say it, maybe you won’t like it, but I think it might be a more positive one even when you may not like to listen it at this moment.

First, I wouldn’t put your child in the middle of a conversation with you and your husband, much less to seek for her assurance. Sorry to tell you. But, out of your insecurity you made her to take part. And what maybe didn’t feel rude to the majority, he saw it like that, at least, at that moment and under his state of mind. People see things in a subjective way.

You said you didn’t engage in the conversation when he’s in this mood but you did engage this time and at the top of it, you criticised his comment. How do you think he’s gonna feel?
The best to not encourage these behaviours he has is to ignore them and if you then consider that it worthy to fix it because you see him receptive, tell him exactly what makes you feel bad or don’t like managing the timing.

Let’s see. I don’t see any provocation in him saying that he’s gonna file for divorce. It’s a decision. I would take his word.
Well, then he may come back and have a conversation (these things take time and there’s always a big opportunity to fix things up when a crisis reaches a top). The problem here is that big words are helpful for nothing. The important is to talk, and being listened. And achieve to agreements to make changes. And rapid and tangible changes. In this case, it didn’t happen.

Then, there’s something you are doing that is making excuses for him. In your case, laying on possible illnesses. You are doing something similar to what allegedly the therapist does. Only in your case, there are sentiments involved, what is too much worse, mainly for you.
I don’t remember is I came to mention in one of the post here about a possible temporal separation. In this case, I was thinking that it may be helpful for you both reflect and also see how he could manage with these changes due to these allegedly possible effects product of his physical illnesses.
If I remember well, you have been suffering his changes in mood for three years, or five (sorry but I don’t remember), anyway, it’s already a long time to see which could be the cause. People change, and in couples happen too. Sometimes, in different paths each and with a different timing.

I know you are worried for your daughter. Divorce, separation, etc. It’s a lost. A mourning. But, it’s part of life and she’s gonna for sure live others losts.
It’s better to live safe, at peace even in a small apartment than living a constant fight.
Thus, he even said that you and your daughter would stay in your current home. (I hope he was honest and didn’t lie to manipulate you for a reconciliation)

I know you likely hate what I said. I think it’s the best way I find to contribute. I’m sorry if I make you feel a bad moment.

I wish you the best. Go on with your therapist. Fight for your freedom and happiness. You can get it.

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Last edited by AzulOscuro; Jul 25, 2022 at 12:09 AM..
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Default Jul 25, 2022 at 08:15 AM
  #55
Thank you Azul. You are right to a large extent. Situations are always more complicated than they appear though. Your words are what I hope to work towards, but there are constraints, some that haven't been mentioned here.

I would like to say that I didn't criticize him, he tends to take everything as criticism. He responded inappropriately, I tried to use the counselors method of telling him how I felt his tone was coming across and he blew up about my tone. DD was standing right there and I asked her if my tone had been inappropriate because I was honestly curious. Most everything dd says about him and the situation is a concern or thought she brings up- I do not address it with her otherwise. I don't use her in that way.

And yeah, I said I should have just let him go. He was actively trying to provoke me and I let him- the clarity of that in hindsight is huge, especially after he tried to act sorry. Now I see the act, see what he was doing in an attempt to get some need met.

The shame I feel is overwhelming. I spent yesterday tearing myself apart and trying to figure out if I am the problem. Wondering if he really is the victim of a part of myself I can't even see. Clearly he can't see a side of himself and his behavior, so why should I be any different? The only thing that occured was that even when he apologized there was no moment when my feelings or needs had a place at the table.

And no, he has no concept of money or finances at this point. It's all wishful thinking. There is absolutely no way we would be able to stay here, or even have a lifestyle similar- and our lifestyle is pretty modest.

I appreciate having the forum to vent as I try to understand and fix what's going on.

Last edited by ArmorPlate108; Jul 25, 2022 at 10:04 AM..
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Default Jul 25, 2022 at 11:48 AM
  #56
Now he mentions divorce.Did he give any reasons to why he wants a divorce? If he says you were driving him to make this decision, is not it blameshifting? Now I am thinking again the same possibility I mentioned previously. The possibility of another woman. Not trying to scare you ,my friend's husband did that.Until the last moment she didn't even know there was another woman.It was a well kept sectret.He became hostile and picked petty fights,blameshift, triangulate and the whole nine yards. She kept thinking she was doing something wrong and tried tobe more and more submissive. Up to that point it was a nice family with a comfortable life and stable finances ,complete with two beautiful kids.The other woman wanted a legal marriage and was forcing him to divorce his wife.That is when **** hit the fan.I think it is time to detach from him emotionally and think about your own welfare. I may sound selfish but you may never know what he might do in future.Secure your finances and prepare for a future that may not include him.Hugs.
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Cool Jul 25, 2022 at 12:43 PM
  #57
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Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul View Post
Now he mentions divorce.Did he give any reasons to why he wants a divorce? If he says you were driving him to make this decision, is not it blameshifting? Now I am thinking again the same possibility I mentioned previously. The possibility of another woman. Not trying to scare you ,my friend's husband did that.Until the last moment she didn't even know there was another woman.It was a well kept sectret.He became hostile and picked petty fights,blameshift, triangulate and the whole nine yards. She kept thinking she was doing something wrong and tried tobe more and more submissive. Up to that point it was a nice family with a comfortable life and stable finances ,complete with two beautiful kids.The other woman wanted a legal marriage and was forcing him to divorce his wife.That is when **** hit the fan.I think it is time to detach from him emotionally and think about your own welfare. I may sound selfish but you may never know what he might do in future.Secure your finances and prepare for a future that may not include him.Hugs.
Thank you for those thoughts, Mendingmysoul. A lot of what you suggested is already in the forethought of my mind. I am working in those directions you suggest. When we had that weird conversation about money and the house, I think it caught him off guard that I'd already spent time thinking about that scenario.

I can't imagine there's another woman because he's such a mess right now. He even looks ragged physically. That's not to say there's not, but it seems like he'd still have it together physically and cognitively if it were just him doing that, kwim? But never say never.

In all honesty and in retrospect, I think he was in a bad place in his own mind, and was trying to get a rise out of me with the whole dramatic suitcase packing and then saying that. Obviously there have been a lot of issues here for a few years, but I think I generally keep emotions in check so well that he is like a little kid who keeps pushing and escalating the stimuli. He seems to build like a pressure cooker and then it looks like (to me) that he's looking for an excuse to blow. This looks a bit like borderline, and it does feel like blameshifting now that you mention it.

He projects constantly, but can't see it. One of his favorites is to talk nonstop for fifteen minutes straight and when I get a word in edgewise he'll say something like "God, can you ever just shut up and listen?". When he does something like that it's almost eerie it is so ridiculous. And yet he can't see it. There was one time he talked like that and when he finally came up for air I agreed wholeheartedly with what he'd just said- and then he went off on an angry tirade that made absolutely no sense. I actually looked over my shoulder trying to figure out who he was talking to! Seriously something is disconnected here. That one was a while back though.

When borderline personality came to the forefront about a year ago, I did some extensive research. In one of the books, they talk about people staying to protect the children rather than worry about what happens with custody and when children are alone with the unstable parent. The book says that borderlines can be so manipulative that it's not unreasonable to do that if there's no physical abuse (they also talk about how other forms of abuse are often not taken seriously by the judicial system). They had a few cases they sited where men went to jail for abuse and the borderline wife (who was the true abuser) took the kids. It's really scary stuff. And I understand underneath it all that borderlines are just hurt kids inside, and that those are not typical cases, but.... I don't know he's borderline, but he has tendencies that line up with that in so many ways that the literature is helpful in dealing with him.

Its disturbing the counselor seems to bolster him up and that she is unable to know the reality of what's behind closed doors. I fear her reassurance will make him bolder in how he approaches and treats me.

I worry the next recommendation will be to go to marriage counseling (he said his counselor said that was needed). Until he is able to regain some empathy (which he admits he doesn't have for anybody right now), and I get on top of my codependency, I don't think marriage counseling is a good idea at all. We both need to do self work first- but will this be one more thing that's held against me?
And I'm not all that sure I'd feel committed to the process at this point in time- again, need to take care of me and DD.

Anyway, thank you so much. You help me more than you can know.

ETA:. I mentioned above that he seems to look for an excuse to blow up, but should have added that he seems to try to trigger me to express the emotions for him. Then he doesn't have to take responsibility for them. He can stand back and be the bigger person, the victim. Wow, I feel extra stupid right now....

Last edited by ArmorPlate108; Jul 25, 2022 at 02:34 PM..
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Default Jul 25, 2022 at 12:53 PM
  #58
I know you say you don’t feel ready for couples therapy but it might be a way to get a more in depth look at what’s really going on?
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Default Jul 25, 2022 at 03:16 PM
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I know you say you don’t feel ready for couples therapy but it might be a way to get a more in depth look at what’s really going on?
I feel fragile and don't feel ready to risk a rerun of the session already attended with him. (Even with a different person). I need to be more healed in my situation before thinking about the one that involves him.

I feel like he's also got a ways to go so he can get out of his own head and focus on others- me included- in order to repair relationships. He has repeatedly told me that he doesn't have the mental capacity to focus on anyone but himself, but won't admit it to the doctors or counselor. The counselor brushed it off when I brought it up as part of the loss of empathy problem. I feel like his loss of empathy is the downfall of the relationship. He covers, they ignore.

Last edited by ArmorPlate108; Jul 25, 2022 at 03:40 PM..
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 07:28 AM
  #60
That’s understandable. It sounds like you have lost a lot of confidence in counsellors as a result of this negative and invalidating experience. She did not sound like a competent counsellor to me if she is simply believing everything he says to be true and not challenging him to self reflect.

I hope that in time you will feel able to seek some kind of support from a reliable source if you aren’t already - are you seeing a therapist yourself?
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