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ArmorPlate108
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 09:11 AM
  #61
Thank you, discombobulated. I have lost confidence in counselors and in myself. I don't feel comfortable that I can express my experience in a way that's taken seriously in that forum.

He's been bizarrely happy and confident since the incident. Almost normal, but not really- hard to explain. It's like he's the most normal he's been, but for typical people he's not acting normal at all. As horrible as it was, the aftermath has given me additional clarity.

For a few years now, I've been watching a psychologist on YouTube who does narcissist videos. And used a lot of narcissist techniques to deal with his behaviors whatever they are. His video this week just happened to be on a reactive abuse, go figure. He said that the narcissist will be happy and the non-narcissist who reacted will be sick and depressed as a result. Yep well at least my reaction is in alignment with the non-narcissist for what that's worth....

I decided to finally post on an FTD board to get their feedback. I hope they can tell me if his weird behavior aligns with their experiences or they think it's something else. I need more info to help me gauge a direction.

Thank you again for being such a friendly ear.
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Mendingmysoul
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 12:30 PM
  #62
OMG Armour, My friend's husband looked sick and ragged,didn't take care of health and hygiene for a while.Once me and another friend came across him in a public place( this was before I knew the whole story) and couldn't even recognize him.He looked very sad and confused too.Then after a while the wife told my other friend about what was going on for a while.The before night the husband came prepared with divorce papers and wife refused to agree and he threw a fit in rage and physically pushed her against the furniture. Wife was injured and scared then she ended up telling our mutual friend.Just wanted to share with you dear.
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 06:16 PM
  #63
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Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul View Post
OMG Armour, My friend's husband looked sick and ragged,didn't take care of health and hygiene for a while.Once me and another friend came across him in a public place( this was before I knew the whole story) and couldn't even recognize him.He looked very sad and confused too.Then after a while the wife told my other friend about what was going on for a while.The before night the husband came prepared with divorce papers and wife refused to agree and he threw a fit in rage and physically pushed her against the furniture. Wife was injured and scared then she ended up telling our mutual friend.Just wanted to share with you dear.
Thank you. I am definitely keeping this in mind. You know the worst part is that if I had more options, the idea of a divorce wouldn't scare me so much. There is something very triggering about someone behaving the way he did and using it for control and hurt. I am a work in progress and not always above reacting.

This morning I decided to post on an FTD board. I've been hesitant because I am so unsure. They have welcomed me with open arms and validated so many of my experiences with him. That's not happy news, and that's not to say that he has ftd, but they sure relate to my story. I don't know whether to feel happy or sick.
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Default Jul 27, 2022 at 10:11 PM
  #64
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Thank you. I am definitely keeping this in mind. You know the worst part is that if I had more options, the idea of a divorce wouldn't scare me so much. There is something very triggering about someone behaving the way he did and using it for control and hurt. I am a work in progress and not always above reacting.

This morning I decided to post on an FTD board. I've been hesitant because I am so unsure. They have welcomed me with open arms and validated so many of my experiences with him. That's not happy news, and that's not to say that he has ftd, but they sure relate to my story. I don't know whether to feel happy or sick.
I think you wanted to mean empathy instead of validation.
Validation is what’s supposedly is giving the therapist to your husband and it seems is helping very few.
Empathy, you are gonna have it from the majority of people, me included, but I doubt that empathy may be helpful itself.
In my personal opinion you need support. Support sometimes involves listening to things we are not always dare to hear for different factors.

I swear you that the most effective support I have received wasn’t very welcome by me at first. And it took me a time to understand than it made me good.
Obviously the circumstances and the mindset was different when I look
back and realised how priceless was this support. Timing is very important. And you own your last word, of course. That’s always.
Don’t close you up.

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Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 03:44 AM
  #65
I realize I havent exactly introduced myself on the newcomer thread but this could be the best place to put this. I was reading about the utter hell youve been going through and it seemed quite familiar. My wife was diagnosed with BPD in 2007. And like the idiot alpha male i am, I never actually looked it up. We have two kids but my daughter was only 7 when this started. My wife had always had depression and physical problems but about the time she entered her 40's she kicked it up a notch. Rage, constant rage. And even when she was quiet, we knew it was coming. Eggshells, all the time. My son began having anxiety attacks. And we were always to blame. Mostly me but she liked to spread it around. There was plenty for everyone. It was a 24/7 cycle of self-pity, anger, and blaming. At first we hoped she would return to her normal miserable that we were used to and we threw ourselves into making her better. Mostly me since I seemed to be the focus of her loathing, and i attempted to spare the kids. But it was useless. The endless degrading and contempt. The non-stop anger and guilt trips and delusional made up crap that she knew was a lie but i would have to defend myself against. ....We were exhausted. And every trip to the hospital she became a new person. Miraculously.... And we would get blamed again. So I left for awhile hoping that maybe that would diffuse her. Nope. My daughter joined me soon after and a couple months later it got so bad for my son he joined the military. Now, keep in mind my wife isnt even 5 foot 100 pounds, but the relentless terror that came next was unfathomable. Thousands and thousands of texts, phone calls, suicide threats, she even was writing my son letters while he was in basic training telling him he wasnt her son anymore....Its a strange thing when you pray with your little one at night with everything you got that the woman youve been madly in love with for 28 years, your life long soulmate, will find another man and leave us alone. And then starts the other pain because within a month she had walked away from us like we never existed. Her utter lack of empathy was bewildering. Its been a year now since we split and until a week ago I was still so extremely confused, until I saw a video on Youtube about BPD and another about vulnerable narcissism. I was floored. In that moment I realized that my entire life with her had been a lie. I was with a stranger for 28 years. And as the days go by i remember more things and more things, some going back to the 90s. She knew what she was doing all along. And at least I had an answer. Definitely not what I wanted but it was something. And as for her she has been doing the honeymoon phase thing with him and saves the fury for the three of us....still. One last thing though, sometimes there is a little justice. This last Sunday started her normally timed attack in the guise of asking about our daughter and I used the tactics they suggested by simple monotone answers. She went on a four hour tirade ending in the most vile stuff imaginable, followed with something about a rifle. What she did not know and still doesnt know, is I was working at her fathers house, with her family there, listening to all of it on speakerphone. HEHE Day by day i guess. Hang in there ArmorPlate. ....by the way she may still do her attacks but the three of us arent living in fear. (except maybe when i step outside sometimes at night)

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Default Aug 25, 2022 at 11:12 AM
  #66
Thanks for that, Azul. Hopefully someday I'll get wherever it is I'm going.

Thanks for posting all that Dboneal. Wow.

Your story does sound frighteningly familiar. I'm so sorry about what you've gone through and hope that you are healing and getting some bearings. I, too, am at that point of feeling like most of my life has been a lie. It's very depressing. That's why I've had to think his issues were neurological, otherwise I would have to accept that he has never loved me and the marriage, that I thought was great, was actually just one big manipulative lie.

Much of what you posted about is where I have been the last few weeks, particularly the covert narcissism. Like you, I am looking back more and more and seeing the signs that I excused away because there was still a part of him that seemed kind and fun to be around.

He's been gone for work two of the last 3 weeks and sadly, that's been nice. It's so calm and things run so smoothly when he's not here. it's really weird to say that, even when he's just sitting in his chair ignoring everybody he still controls the room. It's just that dark simmering mood that makes everybody else watch themselves.

Since the blowout a few weeks ago he switched over to "good boy" mode and is acting very happy and overly polite. It looks like overcompensation. Again, really weird, feels phony and over the top. For example he has to go out of his way to say "bless you" if someone sneezes and it's so forced and pressured, almost like a little kid who's just learning about manners and is trying very hard to practice them without fully understanding the nuance of it. Like I know it's not genuine, but like passive aggressive behaviors, you can't argue what he's doing is somehow not right. There have been a number of times recently when I can't help but think he looks like a 6 year old having a midlife crisis. There's just such an immaturity and disconnect with reality, amid all his 'I wants'.

My feeling about what's going on changes from day to day, but right now I'm in the camp of thinking he's someone who's always been on the borderline and covert narcissist spectrum, but now has new issues that have complicated it. Neuro or psych, who knows? I'm not completely convinced about behavioral variant dementia but not dismissing it either. A few people have told me recently that it was once someone went into dementia that they realized they were covert narcissists, because they lose their ability to be clever and then you see the tactics very clearly. This is true with dh, he's not very smooth in the things he does anymore, they look obvious now. Maybe he is just a collapsing narcissist though.

Sometimes he does things that just absolutely confound me. A few days ago I was in the other room and overheard him ask DD if penguins were birds, and then theorized that they must be because they lay eggs. That kind of thing happens from time to time and takes me aback about what kind of damage he has in his brain. He used to be very smart and when he does things like that.. I don't know... That doesn't seem like manipulative behavior at all, it just looks like someone who's brain isn't working right anymore.

he does other things sometimes that look more like dementia than a personality disorder or psychiatric issue, but at this point trying to figure that out is just a waste of time.

For now, I'm stuck for a variety of reasons. Still, I'm doing what I can to better myself and my life within the confines. It's almost like I've split off from him and am focusing on myself and my side of things in the house. He undoubtedly senses the changes and that probably accounts for some of his change in behavior. The way he's been lately is almost like love bombing, but he's been such a jerk for the last few years, and he's lost capacity, to where that kind of behavior doesn't even feel a little bit genuine or connected. It feels weird and creepy. Not right.

Last weekend he came to where I was working and started asking a bunch of questions about what I was doing. DD and I have learned to be vague with him because otherwise he starts critiquing and micromanaging. I casually said that I was finishing up and set my work aside. Then he got rather angry and accused me of avoiding him, and he's not totally wrong, he just doesn't get why we do that. At that point he went into another rant about how this isn't even a marriage anymore, and frankly he's right, but it has much more to do with his issues than with me at this point (except that I have to put up with it and deal with him). But of course that can't be seen or said. At any rate, I accept that he might discard me at some point before I can figure out what to do about any of it.

So for now I'm just keeping on keeping on and praying for better days.

Thank you again for sharing your story and commiserating, it means a lot. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get back to this thread. I hope you're still on the boards and might come back by.
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