[ZenZeta]

I know I'm always here... I don't have many friends, and there's comfort in anonymity I guess...

Anywho... I've been trying to start dating again post pandemic, and post long term caregiving (and death of my father).

Well, I made the colossal mistake of jumping into a pretty heavy, 14-month "relationship" with the Funeral Director (can we say REBOUND). It took me a while to realize that I was just reaping the residual benefits of what he had.
I was never really a priority AT ALL.

Recently, I ran across the REALLY SWEET guy that I dated during the latter part of my caregiving journey. I ended up breaking up with him because work, caregiving, a personal health challenge and dating were just TOO much. I felt bad because I hurt a really nice guy, but I had to do what was best for me.

We ran into each other a few weeks ago. He was still super sweet... opened his home, treated my sorority sisters and I like queens (cooked for us, etc). In a moment of... I don't know... we ended up sleeping together.

Even after the act, I said SPECIFICALLY that it was just a heat-of-the-moment incident...this was NOT an indication of us getting back together. I must have been talking to a brick wall. All of a sudden, I started getting birthday wishes from his mother (who I haven't talked to in three years), to invitations from his married best friend's wives to barbecues... WHOA!!!!

I admit that my actions could have been interpreted as meaning one thing, but I was VERY CLEAR with my words. I repeated to him that all I was open to was getting to know each other again... casually dating.

He was calling me every day, inviting me out with all his married couple friends. He even went into a detailed vision of the dual office space he was going to custom build so we could spend more time together since we both work remotely... TIME OUT!!!!!

When the gentle reminders didn't work, I had to finally come out and say "We're not a COUPLE!!!!!!" which I think hurt his feelings...

Here's my question... WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? I'm in my mid 40s. Isn't this the type of treatment I SHOULD want? He's including me with his family and introducing me to his friends... he's so.... available.

Why does that make me itch? Where's the fire? We have not communicated in 2 years (he spoke at my Dad's funeral). Can't we wait a little?

I want to get to know what life is like without caregiving and the restrictions of COVID. Though I've never been a date multiple people kind of person, I at least want to see what options are out there before locking something down.

I dunno,.. am I afraid of commitment? He checks all the boxes, but I'm not looking for a box checker right now (or possibly ever). I just felt forced and had to put a HARD STOP on him... I fell like the guy in this scenario,

[divine1966]

If you don’t connect on a meaningful level or have passion or something else sustainable then it doesn’t matter if he is a nice guy or not. If it was enough to be a nice person then no one nice would be single as all nice people would be coupled up. I don’t think you are afraid of commitment. I got married at 50. Wasn’t afraid of commitment, was either too busy for dating or haven’t met right people.

[Yaowen]

I don't know too much about things, but it doesn't sound to me like you are a commitment-phobe. What is that old saying: "The heart has its reasons which the mind knows nothing of." I think your heart has its reasons for how you feel at this time in your life and what you desire from life. Sometimes the logic of the heart doesn't make sense to the logic of our minds. Maybe I am wrong, but I think it is probably a good idea to follow your heart. But like I said earlier, I am not very knowledgeable about relationship things. I hope things will work out for the best for you which ever paths you choose. And hopefully you will get better words from other members here, better words than my poor words!

[divine1966]

At the same time it could be that you attracted to excitement like bad boys type and play boys types but regular guys bore you. Could be something that therapy can help with, often family of origin familiar patterns keep you in the same loop

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by ZenZeta

I know I'm always here... I don't have many friends, and there's comfort in anonymity I guess...

Anywho... I've been trying to start dating again post pandemic, and post long term caregiving (and death of my father).

Well, I made the colossal mistake of jumping into a pretty heavy, 14-month "relationship" with the Funeral Director (can we say REBOUND). It took me a while to realize that I was just reaping the residual benefits of what he had.
I was never really a priority AT ALL.

Recently, I ran across the REALLY SWEET guy that I dated during the latter part of my caregiving journey. I ended up breaking up with him because work, caregiving, a personal health challenge and dating were just TOO much. I felt bad because I hurt a really nice guy, but I had to do what was best for me.

We ran into each other a few weeks ago. He was still super sweet... opened his home, treated my sorority sisters and I like queens (cooked for us, etc). In a moment of... I don't know... we ended up sleeping together.

Even after the act, I said SPECIFICALLY that it was just a heat-of-the-moment incident...this was NOT an indication of us getting back together. I must have been talking to a brick wall. All of a sudden, I started getting birthday wishes from his mother (who I haven't talked to in three years), to invitations from his married best friend's wives to barbecues... WHOA!!!!

I admit that my actions could have been interpreted as meaning one thing, but I was VERY CLEAR with my words. I repeated to him that all I was open to was getting to know each other again... casually dating.

He was calling me every day, inviting me out with all his married couple friends. He even went into a detailed vision of the dual office space he was going to custom build so we could spend more time together since we both work remotely... TIME OUT!!!!!

When the gentle reminders didn't work, I had to finally come out and say "We're not a COUPLE!!!!!!" which I think hurt his feelings...

Here's my question... WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? I'm in my mid 40s. Isn't this the type of treatment I SHOULD want? He's including me with his family and introducing me to his friends... he's so.... available.

Why does that make me itch? Where's the fire? We have not communicated in 2 years (he spoke at my Dad's funeral). Can't we wait a little?

I want to get to know what life is like without caregiving and the restrictions of COVID. Though I've never been a date multiple people kind of person, I at least want to see what options are out there before locking something down.

I dunno,.. am I afraid of commitment? He checks all the boxes, but I'm not looking for a box checker right now (or possibly ever). I just felt forced and had to put a HARD STOP on him... I fell like the guy in this scenario,

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. It would bother me if someone was suddenly planning my life the way you described. He is assuming too much and thinking it’s ok to take over your life just because you were intimate with him.

It’s totally understandable that you want time for yourself after being a caretaker.
I don’t think this is commitment phobia.

[Have Hope]

To me this guy is crossing boundaries. You specifically stated that it was a one time thing and that you're not getting back together. Then he disrespects your boundary with all these invitations and grand gestures. That's boundary-crossing and not a matter of you being a commitment phobe.

[eskielover]

admit that my actions could have been interpreted as meaning one thing, but I was VERY CLEAR with my words. I repeated to him that all I was open to was getting to know each other again... casually dating.

If you want your words to be understood & respected then your actions need to reflect your words & not give an ability to have them interpreted differently. So often we forget this important aspect of our life then wonder why we are treated according to our actions & not our words. Sadly we want to place all the responsibility on them for not understanding.

I get why he interpreted things the way he did. I also understand your need to have time & space after intense caring for your father. Doesn't mean you are a commitment phobe....just means that you need time & to know when the right guy is in your life to commit to. However while you are waiting just make sure your words & actions say exactly the same thing.

[divine1966]

Sleeping with exes is literally never a good idea. Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with casual sex no strings attached, one night stands or any other mutually agreed arrangements. It’s just better not do it with exes or people who obviously want more. Too much drama

[Have Hope]

I’ve slept with exes and it’s rarely caused an issue. Typically we’ve remained as good friends. Nothing wrong with having a one night stand with an ex. In this case, he may still have feelings but she made herself clear. I think he needs to back off and respect her wishes.

When it may not be a good idea is when you beforehand KNOW there are feelings and when you know you don’t want anything more but the other person does. In this case, it’s careless and thoughtless to still sleep with the person.

[Have Hope]

@ZenZeta, I don’t see anything wrong with what you did and I don’t think you are commitment phobic. The only thing that could have been wrong is if you knew before you slept with him that he still had feelings for you and wanted to date again but you didn’t want anything more. Even so a moment of weakness is simply that. You did make yourself clear. So this guy has taken that one instance and is running with it, against your stated wishes.

[divine1966]

I didn’t say that having one night stand with exes is wrong. If people enjoy it, it’s all good. It’s just often causing problems. Going by other people’s experiences. I personally do not sleep with exes. So I guess I wouldn’t know. I usually am on good friendly terms with exes but it doesn’t include sex with them. But I don’t think others should do what I do whatsoever.

People are free to sleep with whoever and then deal with the consequences.

I just think it’s wiser to discuss intentions before hand, not inform after the fact that it meant nothing.

[Open Eyes]

Perhaps it will help if you have an honest talk with him again. It sounds like he is a nice guy but you are just not ready to be committed to anyone right now. It’s understandable that you want to feel some freedom after being tied down to care giving for your father.