Need support, maybe feedback. Attended spouse's counseling.

I'm sorry this got long. DH is having significant mental health problems, but seems largely unaware of them. He's always been a big emotions person and has probably always been a high functioning borderline for our entire marriage (30+years). In the last five years or so, he's had very serious issues, including predictable swings that look like milder bipolar, but he can only maybe see those if he gets very depressed. I am also concerned that he might be going into a behavioral variant of dementia. His personality changed almost overnight in horrifyingly frightening ways 4 or 5 years ago, the behaviors so unlike him that nobody would believe me, and because we have a minor child, I've been stuck for her sake.

It was less than a year ago that he finally started having problems at work (progressive illness?) and became very depressed. This was followed by a nervous breakdown last April. He's since been in treatment and on meds, but has recently seemed hypomanic and is going off his meds. The doctors tell him he isn't hypomanic because he reports that he sleeps fine. Wish the doctors were here when it's like the Tasmanian devil has shown up.

About a year after his initial behavioral changes he was diagnosed with a super rare neurological tumor on his spine. Because of that when he first started complaining last fall they did a brain MRI which showed nothing structurally significant about his brain. He did terribly on the small neurological test at the neurologist's office, but because he's still working, they passed it off, and he continued to struggle on until the breakdown.

There is something wrong with this man really really wrong and no one will listen to me. I feel like I'm losing my mind somedays.

He's been in talk therapy for a couple of months and I was asked to join the session last week. My understanding was that I was joining to add insight about his condition and behaviors things that I observe. From what I read prior to going to the appointment it sounded like it would be inappropriate for his counselor to address issues with me. If marital counseling were appropriate we should be referred to another counselor- I don't know if this is true or not just what I read.

At the appointment the counselor was not interested in my observations of his peculiar behaviors which continue to this day. He showtimes very well for other people. If we have company he will put on a perfect front for an hour or two and then will be so tired from the act that he can't function for the rest of the day. I felt repeatedly chastised for focusing on the massive personality changes that I find so disconcerting. She's concerned with the wonderful person he's trying to be now rather than the frightening changes that have taken place.

Four years ago, he raged on me and DD which was the first major event- completely out of the blue and completely unlike him. The counselor told me that this was my issue because the fear was my reaction. . I totally get being responsible for oneself and reactions, but I felt a little victimized. I remind myself that this woman doesn't know the person that my daughter and I currently live with, and she doesn't know the person I used to know, doesn't seem to get just how frighteningly bizarre the change has been. She doesn't get that I did the things I did to protect myself and my daughter in that moment. She didn't hold him accountable for being abusive. She talked to him about it but didn't even ask him if he felt badly for doing it. Instead she turned it back around that the problem was that I didn't put down strong boundaries with him. Up until that point 26 years into our marriage there was no need for me to be able to do that, and at the point my concern was my daughter's safety as well as my own. I would have left if someone had believed me and I didn't have to worry about my daughter being taken away from me.

Overall I think it was a mistake for me to go to counseling with him. None of my observations were taken seriously. Instead I felt like I was told that I'm the one who has to make more effort to make things better. Right now I'm dealing with codependency (didn't tell this counselor that) and everything the counselor told me to do feels like a violation of my codependency work. I need to focus on me, my health and boundaries, and she says I need to focus on, and put effort into, reconnecting with my husband, who has lost his empathy among other things. There is nothing much there to connect to at this point. I may as well shout at the wind. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I feel strongly that this man has a bigger neurological picture that has yet to be discovered and nobody will listen to me, and DH has low awareness about much of his problem. I am just at a loss as to what to do. In think I need to carry on and take care of myself.

Not sure what to do if I'm asked to go to counseling again. Just a gentle "no" ? Or should I say something more?

I'm so frustrated right now with everything. If I had the means to walk away, I say I would, but then sometimes I look at him and he physically looks compromised, like a dementia patient might, and I wonder if I could actually do it.

Should I just be focusing on myself and child? Is that okay? I thought it was until I "went" to "counseling". A few weeks ago I told my husband that he needed to focus on making himself better and I needed to focus on making myself better then we needed to see how we fit together. The counselor didn't seem to support that kind of individual growth as a means of making the marriage better (or letting it fall apart completely).

I appreciate it if you made it through this, and would also appreciate any thoughts and advice. At the very least, thank you for letting me vent.