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#21
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I don't think he is, or has had an affair. No missing time, no missing money. That's another thing, he's never been interested in finances, so I do 100% of those. That's probably a saving grace at this point, but another thing the doctors can say "well, he's keeping his finances together!". Anyhow, as time has gone on, he's gotten worse looking physically. Gained weight and DD commented at one time that it was like he started to get old really fast. I think he would seem more put together both physically and mentally if he were dating someone. Though your post made me realize that he's gotten really into working out this last hypomanic phase. I have wondered if he's formed an attachment to the counselor, she's young and nice to him. They only meet online, and I don't imagine she would find him attractive in any way. Sadly, I use to call him "GQ" back in the day (even just 10 years ago) because while he wasn't traditionally handsome, he was always well groomed and well put together and a little bit rugged. Incidentally, another thing I told the counselor was that DD came to me a year ago with a picture she had found in her room. She was distraught and crying. She showed me a picture of him taken six years ago and said. "The man who's in this picture isn't the man who lives in the house.". She was having trouble explaining this, but I told her that's why I put all the photo albums away three years ago. I'd start saying out loud to the pictures, "where are you?!". The counselor just gave me a dismissive, "uh huh, do you understand that this is his work stress?" It's not work stress imo. Sorry to keep getting long winded. I have so much I just need to get out right now. |
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#22
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No, he is relatively functional. If you met him for a little while, you would probably think he's a normal guy. His problems are more in changing behaviors and personality, but we may be seeing more cognitive and memory issues. He's good at covering things though. I think he has about four cycles a year, but those two are extra bad for some reason, but it's helpful to know that is probably not common in dementia. I suspect that there are multiple things going on, and given the rare tumor, it may be something else that is rare. Thank you so much for taking the time. This thread has been a godsend this week. |
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#23
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There's so much frustration that I can't help him. He denies, or can't see things, but I can also understand why they won't take my word over his. The big fear is that he has something going on that could be fixable if caught sooner than later, but after four years of this, is there really much hope? In many ways it seems like he thinks he's receptive to doing the right things, but the reality isn't always as he sees it. Like the other night that was terrible, he was talking at me in a very angry voice. When I told him I felt like his tone wasn't nice and that I felt he was coming across as angry, he denied that his tone was inappropriate or angry, and I think he honestly can't interpret himself. He literally can't see how he is. Today I feel like I've got my feet back under me a little better. Able to detach and take care of DD and myself. Who knows when another wrench will get thrown in? The other day he asked if I was going to counseling with him again this week. I said no, that she made me realize that I had work to do on myself, to get right with myself, before I could focus on us. It's the truth anyway. |
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Discombobulated, Mendingmysoul
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#24
Hang on in there, and post as much as it helps,.
It’s good he’s going to have another MRI later this year and it sounds like he’s at least ‘in the system’. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#25
How old is your husband?
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#26
I admire you how you still want to help him heal,despite of him being abusive towards you and your daughter.You are a compassionate person and an empath.You want to fix him just like an empath.Hope it's not impossible for you to achieve that goal. You are a strong person.Take good care of yourself in this turmoil. Your daughter needs you more than anything. You will get through this. Hugs.
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#27
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#28
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#29
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Wise Elder
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#30
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You say he has been "borderline" throughout your marriage. Does this mean he has exhibited abusive behaviors throughout and it more recently worsened in recent years? Abuse takes on several forms - verbal, emotional and physical. There are also more subtle forms of abuse - called covert abuse. So, has he shown abusive behaviors towards you throughout or is this more recent? Also, what stands out a LOT in your post - your mention of "frightening" several times when describing his behavior. How often does he behave this way? Is he also belittling towards you? Controlling and demeaning? Does he put you down frequently? Does he go into fits of anger frequently? The other thing is - you cannot play doctor or psychiatrist yourself. He needs proper diagnosis by professionals. You don't know if he has a neurological problem and/or dementia and/or mental health issues. These things can be very distracting and can create a smoke screen covering up the real issues. Perhaps he is simply just plain abusive and he also happens to have some other issues. I would take care of yourself and your daughter foremost, especially since he HAS been abusive. Your own mental health, your safety, and your daughter's mental health and safety are of critical and upmost importance. He can be secondary. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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ArmorPlate108
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ArmorPlate108
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#31
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When I say he may always have been borderline, I'm thinking in terms that he has always been a big emotions guy who knew how to push buttons if he really wanted to. But up until those few years ago, he generally showed restraint and never had trouble controlling his anger. Until then he WAS NOT narcissistic or selfish. He became those two things very quickly just a few years ago. As a matter of fact, up until a point several years ago, he was probably one of the most selfless people I've ever met. Not necessarily thoughtful, but anything asked of him, he gave enthusiastically. It's a startling change. I've asked myself a thousand times if he's just gotten worse, and I don't think that's really it. I knew him for twenty nine years as one person, and the last four years as someone quite different. His less stellar traits have dropped to a much worse place- like crossing the line from annoying tendencies to unacceptable behavior. You are so right that I have no place diagnosing. In the last year, as I've begun to do more boundary work and codependency work, I had backed off from that place to one of letting the chips fall where they may and letting his condition evolve however. I do keep a few notes, and perhaps that's one of the reasons I felt so blindsided. I wasn't going to his counseling to enmesh myself, but to offer observations that he may not have of himself. I'm doing mostly okay today, but the thing that infuriates me, and you hit on, was her response to him raging on me a few years ago. I think she minimized it and stereotypically decided that I'm a dramatic woman who was overdoing the story. I'm not frightened of him at this point, but I've disconnected a lot. His behavior is frightening though, because it's unpredictable and weird. Today he's switched emotions so many times, and honestly, he doesn't seem to be aware that he does it. Other than that, when he's talking, he sounds relatively normal, but a little pressured - like if you ask him if he'd like a soda, he'll come back with an overly emphasized, "Why yes, please!" Almost like he's over-trying to say the right words. But right now we're in a place (we've been in before) where everyone else has backed off and as long as no one has expectations or tries to reason with him is fairly easy for him to maintain an equilibrium. If no one is allowed to argue with you, you won't get into an argument... Thank you again for all your thoughts, and for acknowleging that there has been abuse here that should not be minimized. That means a great deal to me. |
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Discombobulated, Have Hope
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Wise Elder
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#32
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The sudden changes in emotions would disturb me. He sounds very unstable, to say the least. What's odd to me is the change over recent years. Usually, with abusers, there are definite signs in the beginning of the abuse to come. Control, belittling comments, gaslighting, angry outbursts and the like. You have every right to be outraged by the counselor's response to you. I want to validate you in that. That counselor is NO GOOD. It's great that you are working on your own codependency and boundaries. This is very important for yourself. Behaviors that are unacceptable should be known and lines need to be drawn in the sand around what's acceptable and not acceptable. As you get better with boundaries, the stronger you will feel. Emotional distancing is only a natural reaction. I think, to the situation you are in. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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#33
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I have memories of things he did, particularly up until 10 or so years ago. He was kind and protective. He spoke to me nicely, read social cues wonderfully, and we had great conversations. The negative things he did were the exceptions and not the rule. All gone. The doctors say these are normal personality changes. ?????? I just can't believe that. It feels like they are not listening. Especially given that he had that spinal/neurological tumor, how come they aren't taking the observations seriously. The medical doctors just say it was a benign tumor that shouldn't cause those type problems. But it was also a rare tumor, so that seems like a big assumption. Maybe the doctors are saying deal with the personality changes because they may have an idea of what's going on and figure there's no hope? Would they do that? The doctors kind of did that with my dad when it was obvious he was in dementia, just brushed it off and focused on what he could do rather than looking at the fact that something was seriously wrong with him. Or maybe he was a kind of nice guy who just literally turned into a jerk after decades.... Today I feel like I have run out of words to speak. There seems to be nothing more I can do but shut up. I'm currently stuck in a situation with a man who I don't recognize. How long will it take before something comes to light? Will it ever? Today has been another bizaaro day, maybe even more so than usual. He was saying polite words, but both DD and I felt anger and hostility in his tone. If she hadn't said it, I'd probably think I'd imagined it. He did something weirdly out of place but nice- after being rude and standoffish all morning. I went and found him and asked him about it (very nicely, mind you). He turned and scowled and said in an angry/irritable/defensive tone "I was trying to be nice!" I just thanked him nicely and left. He's gone from sitting with his head in his hands, looking depressed, to giggling like a kid within a matter of minutes. Just weird and unpredictable. I noticed when we were watching TV that he laughed at things that aren't funny, particularly if a line is delivered with finality, like a punchline might be. Like on today's show, someone said definitively, "open the door!" And he started giggling like it was a joke. Not the first time I've noticed something like that. Almost kind of a fake it til you make it thing. He also does things that look mildly ocd. Things he's never done until recently, so they seem extra odd for him. Like closing drawers, refolding blankets into perfect rectangles, pushing in chairs, or lining condiments up in the refrigerator. He's always been a bit ADD and while he'd sometimes do those things, it was rare and nothing like it's become recently. Maybe that's just another way he's proving he's fine? DD said a few days ago that he kept pushing in the chairs at the table and she didn't think she'd ever seen him go out of his way to push a chair in in her life. Just looking at him objectively today, I can't help but think that something is no longer connected in his brain, but he's faking his way through it, as much for himself as for others. Sometimes I wonder if the anger is meant to chase me away so I can't see more of his "drops." Thank you for being there and for just letting me vent. |
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Discombobulated, Have Hope, Mendingmysoul
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#34
Vent as much as you want dear,if that is what needed to lift a little weight from your brain.I couldn't wrap my head around it all.You are in the midst of it.Just hang in there.Hugs
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ArmorPlate108, Discombobulated
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#35
Inappropriate laughter is something that can happen in early stage dementia, also the obsessive folding can also be a feature. I’m not saying he has dementia (of course diagnosis is complex) but these are things his Dr should be told about. Do you have any sort of way of communicating with his Drs?
I’m wondering if you might be able to talk with your own Dr about this too? I think you might have mentioned you’ve journaled about his symptoms? This would be good to bring along to a Drs appointment. |
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ArmorPlate108
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ArmorPlate108, AzulOscuro
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#36
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I can't really offer anything else at the moment. Or, I can't think of what else to add. I am just very sorry you're going through this. And vent away. That's what the forum is for. Hugs to you. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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ArmorPlate108
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ArmorPlate108
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Grand Magnate
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#37
I sum myself up to the other posters who stressed you up how good it is that you are progressing on your codependent issues. It’s very important and your daughter is clearly learn from you.
Excuse me if you already mentioned it before. Did his neurologist told you guys how the presence of his tumor could affect your husband? The problem with tumor, even when they are benign is where they are settled. I have another question. Did you discuss with husband about his current therapist and the idea to search for another? __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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ArmorPlate108
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ArmorPlate108
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#38
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He has a regular neurosurgeon he talks to once a year. They offer no help - the cognitive thing is out of their wheelhouse. They can't refer. He had to argue with the GP to get to neurology. Once there he did not do well on the simple tests (could not come up with eight words that started with the letter o, for example), but he explained the problems away. He's never been a good test taker, which is true, but not being able to come up with eight o words in five minutes? Couldn't do the backwards math or others either. Because he is still working and the MRI showed nothing unusual, the neurologist basically told him to get on with his life. At that point he was resistant to talk to psychiatry, and they seemed disinterested in going further looking for physical problems if he wouldn't address potential mental health. Basically, there are no doctors to communicate with right now. The counselor is the only regular. |
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#39
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He's barely spoken to me since his last counseling appointment on Friday. Not sure if that's coincidence or not. During these times when I back off and he doesn't talk much, he comes across as more normal. Today was one of those days when I spent some time wondering if he just grew to hate me for some reason. Whether mental illness, neurological problem, death of his feelings for me, or all three, I'm having more and more moments of clarity when I realize the person I use to know isn't here and probably isn't coming back. I need a plan to put my feet under me in a solid way, especially hard with my codependent habits. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. |
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Discombobulated, Have Hope
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#40
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All the doctors seem to think that the tumor wouldn't have an effect on his brain. They all contend that it would only affect things below it, not his brain above it. They are just set that there is no way it is a factor, but I still feel it is a huge factor. Fwiw, he had several bouts of bad gastritis more than a decade ago and it wasn't until the tumor was discovered that they went back and looked at some old x-rays. The X-rays showed anomalies that they now figure was the tumor in earlier stages- and probably what was misdiagnosed as gastritis. The first changes in his personality occurred at that same time. They weren't horrific changes, but they were notable. Just weird things that were uncharacteristic of him. Coincidence? Also, after the tumor surgery, he went back to acting like himself starting at around two weeks and carrying on for a few weeks after. Around the time, one of his coworkers commented that he was glad DH seemed to be back to himself. This coworker told me in early 2020 that he was concerned about personality changes he saw starting about a year prior to that. Another coincidence that following surgery (loss of tumor, loss of spinal fluid, heavy antibiotics, anti inflammatories, ????) Something seemed to bring him back, at least temporarily. I thought maybe normal pressure hydrocephalus since surgery would have reduced that sort of pressure temporarily, but the MRI said no. This coworker later distanced himself from dh and then moved elsewhere, so not someone who could offer any insight. Thank you again. Thank you all again. Being able to reread all the thoughts here helps me feel less like its something I'm heavily responsible for. |
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