[Now is the time]

Ugh. Just need to vent a minute. My ex sends a text with "feedback" that my dropping off a cup of special lemonade that's only made once a year around State Fair time for our kids (it's their favorite) was disruptive as was my text to them asking if they liked it. Good grief. She finds fault in simple acts of kindness. Believe me, I'm grateful that I'm no longer in that relationship. And I don't have time, energy or desire to pick fights over something as stupid as a sealed cup of lemonade I left on her steps. Happy people don't act like that. Thanks for the space to vent.

[divine1966]

Wow. Her attitude is so detrimental to your children

[Molinit]

Her time is her time. Do not call except for contact spelled out in the custody arrangement, do not “drop off” anything that wasn’t asked for by the parent. Same goes for her when you have them.

[Now is the time]

I can appreciate looking to the custody agreement, but it's not addressed. This is a case of "do as I say, not as I do"; she texts when they are with me, including during a recent vacation I took the kids on. She also sent the kids to my house on their birthday with their large leftover cake (at noon), never mind that I had my own birthday cake here for them. She said they wanted it, but they didn't touch it during their week with me except when my mom pushed them to have a piece. Hypocrisy and pettiness.

[Bill3]

Well idk, it seems to me that if is wrong when she does it then it is also wrong when you do it. And if you both do it--how do the kids feel in the middle?

[Now is the time]

I hear you... I wasn't clear. I don't make a big deal about it or call her out on it. So the message is that it's ok when she does it, but then it's not ok when I do it. I specifically am tailoring my actions so the kids aren't seeing the disfunction. I make excuses for her when she forget to call or doesn't follow through on things.

[unaluna]

I think there is a subtle difference between what you reported here that she did, and ditto what you did. Its like the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Or microaggressions.

Putting a lemonade on the porch stairs is hostile and intrusive, imo. It says you think you are the more special parent and that they will miss out on good things while they are away from you. Its all about you. You could have just asked your ex if it was okay to drop the stuff off. Why didnt you?

The kids texting with their mother while they are on vacation with you - it says they are in a strange place and are homesick. Money cant buy them love, as the song goes. Why not vacation as a family? Some divorced couples do.

I dont see that she is being petty. You? Maybe. The lemonade was kind of a microaggression. And it has a note of "poor me, im just trying to be a nice guy!" to it, which is whiny, not manly. Are you in therapy, or discussing these matters with a fair-minded friend?

I know everybody here is comforting you. Im just trying to help you see how it might look to her. Its not terrible, its just a little "off". I think your intentions are good. But it seems a little tit for tat on your side, or keeping score. A strong gentleman doesnt need to do that.

[divine1966]

In some ways I agree with una that kids texting mom or her contacting them on vacation is not the same as dropping off stuff at her house. Her sending cake is stupid but could it be that kids initiated it? Wanted to share their cake with you?

Co parenting is hard even when exes get along. It actually never gets easier. It’s life long. It never ends. You have a long way ahead of you. All we can do is suck it up and be civil for the kid’s sake

Well what I don’t agree is vacationing with ex. Lets not go that far. Lol If exes could vacation together, they’d not be exes. I don’t think it’s good for the kids either. Confusing. And if there are new partners. No one needs that

[Now is the time]

Aiming for brevity, I left out many specifics and that are creating quite a few incorrect assumptions. You wouldn't know it from my user name, but I'm female, so there isn't a male/female dynamic involved. We were together 16 years, and had twins after 10 years together. She cheated on me 4 years ago with the kids' babysitter/friend from work and the gaslighting was huge. I've put that relationship behind me and have come to see it as a blessing/catalyst for change for me. I would like to have the coparenting evolve into one where either of us could drop something off unexpected - do something nice for the kids, no different than if we were together. I get it if it's something big and for ulterior motives, but it was a small cup of lemonade. That said, 100% correct, I could have asked for permission. It's really frustrating when I get snapped at for it, but she does similar things and believes it's ok. Another clarification: the texting during our trip was initiated by the ex's girlfriend (same one from the breakup) saying she was shopping and saw a toy or something she thought they'd like: no homesickness involved there. I blew it off like I do most other things of that nature because I'm trying to be effective and pick my battles for the ones that can't be ignored because of how they affect the kids. Yes, I am seeing a therapist who sees shame and control issues driving her behaviors.

[unaluna]

Thanks for the clarification and sorry for misunderstanding / bad interpretations.

Yeah that was definitely bogus of the gf to do that.

Also im a lady, but i am definitely from Mars!

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by Now is the time

Aiming for brevity, I left out many specifics and that are creating quite a few incorrect assumptions. You wouldn't know it from my user name, but I'm female, so there isn't a male/female dynamic involved. We were together 16 years, and had twins after 10 years together. She cheated on me 4 years ago with the kids' babysitter/friend from work and the gaslighting was huge. I've put that relationship behind me and have come to see it as a blessing/catalyst for change for me. I would like to have the coparenting evolve into one where either of us could drop something off unexpected - do something nice for the kids, no different than if we were together. I get it if it's something big and for ulterior motives, but it was a small cup of lemonade. That said, 100% correct, I could have asked for permission. It's really frustrating when I get snapped at for it, but she does similar things and believes it's ok. Another clarification: the texting during our trip was initiated by the ex's girlfriend (same one from the breakup) saying she was shopping and saw a toy or something she thought they'd like: no homesickness involved there. I blew it off like I do most other things of that nature because I'm trying to be effective and pick my battles for the ones that can't be ignored because of how they affect the kids. Yes, I am seeing a therapist who sees shame and control issues driving her behaviors.

My advice is the same - create boundaries. You do not have the kind of co-parenting relationship where nice surprises are welcomed. You resented the remaining birthday cake being sent to your house with your kids, she resents the lemonade being left. THAT is your relationship.

Strict boundaries. If she sees a toy and texts you, ignore it. If you want to get the lemonade, save it for when they're with you. Don't leave it on the doorstep.

One call a day made by you or her to say goodnight or whatever and keep it short. Don't disturb her time and tell her not to disturb yours. You can keep her from disturbing your time by adopting a policy of not answering the phone or responding to a text unless it is an absolute emergency (her in the hospital or such).

It's not a matter of "picking your battles" its a matter of not infringing on each other's time with the children. If you're on a trip and she texts, ignore it and when she calls to say goodnight to the kids and asks why no answer tell her you are not addressing anything while on your time with the kids.

Both of you are trying to act like your relationship isn't adversarial (it is at least on your side, you keep mentioning her cheating). Your children wouldn't have died without the lemonade, right? What was the reason it was necessary to leave it on the doorstep? Why couldn't it wait until they were with you?

You leaving that smacks of you trying to demonstrate how YOU do special things for the kids to her.

[Now is the time]

First, I do appreciate all of the comments and feedback. It makes me take a step back on the things done and said.

I went back to texts to see exactly how the lemonade thing all went down. I send her a text saying I'd like to drop off a lemonade for the kids. I didn't say "can I", but "I'd like to". She replied that they weren't home so I could leave it on the front step, or she'd text when they got home and I could bring it over. If it was a big deal, I should not have been given permission in the first place.

One other comment on texts/communication with the kids; they aren't going through me to control. She recently bought them Apple watches "so they can text with either house". The unsolicited texting to the kids is without my knowledge unless they tell me or I see it coming in and ask. I've contemplated having the kids remove the watches when they're with me, but now the ex and her girlfriend started these daily competitions with the kids for number of steps, hours of sleep, etc managed within the watches. So they're focused on that when they're with me. Hard to imagine that putting them away now won't turn me into the bad guy. Regardless, I believe 10 year olds are too young for those watches (there was no consulting with me on getting them), and especially since she wouldn't give the code to our daughter for opening her watch. Instead she gave our girl's code to our son (her twin brother) to manage. I was all over that when I found out. (This is the type of battle I will absolutely engage in: when putting either or both kids into a position like that.)

[unaluna]

Oh man - about the apple watches. Yeah that is definitely b.s. She is just stomping all over your time and relationship with the kids. And what is that b.s. about the brother being the admin for his sister's not just watch, but lets face it, life.

Possible solution - you get a watch too, and you are admin, and you are in charge of the "competition" on your weeks. I dont think a judge or a therapist would think what she is doing is fair or equitable. That gf is a royal pain. And home-based competition is probably the last thing any kids need. Who is the gf, lauren boebert?

Again, sorry for my demeanor in my first post. Youre right, i thought you were a (ptooey!) guy with a limited sense of nuance.

[divine1966]

Apple Watch for 10 year old. Wow.

[RockyRoad007]

As a co-parent, I would think you are also entitled to the code to access those watches.

You need to check those watches and turn off any tracking.

Also look at what apps are installed including hidden apps. Look for devices they may be connected to or reporting to. Disconnect them when they are with you. She may be surveilling what you do, say or where you go with the kids.

Maybe my mind has gone to a dark place, but those are pretty expensive devices for 10 year olds. They are pretty powerful computers, and totally unnecessary for kids that young. But fantastic for co-parents who want to know more than they are entitled to.

Perhaps get in writing that those watches are not being used for any sort of tracking, reporting or surveilling when they are with you.

[Molinit]

There is no reason they have to wear the watches when with you. They should be left at their house and not brought to yours. Your position is they’re too young, and it’s your right to parent as you see fit.

No watches means no tracking. Their competitions can be held when they’re at the other house.