Husband moved to the beach without wife and son

My husband purchased a small house at the beach approximately 150 miles from our home a few years ago. We would go as a family whenever we could, 2 to 3 times a year for me and the kids, about once a month for my husband. After he was put on disability for mental health issues, he started going more often, twice a month, then once a week, but for the past year he has been there for at least 5 days a week, sometimes more. He changed his address in April, and I rarely see him. It's been 3 weeks this time. When he does come home, he is angry and aggressive towards me. He has literally created another life for himself at the beach. I have never met any of his new friends, or know what he does with his time, other than playing cover tunes on his guitar with a woman he has not introduced me to 5 to 7 nights a week in bars and restaurants. I am exhausted and at my wits end, living 150 miles away from him and being forced to live like a single mom to our autistic adhd son, working 7 days a week, helping my older son prepare for college, and doing everything to run our home. I do not have the money to relocate to the beach. I am super distressed by this situation and just plain worn out. My husband thinks this way of life is just fine and refuses to compromise or communicate with me. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be welcome.

Are you paying all the bills and mortgage?

No. Both houses are paid for. He pays electric, taxes, and Insurance. I pay for food, household items, vehicle maintenance, and everthing for the children, pets, and anything else that comes up. Neither house is in my name.

It sounds like he sees this as his/your new life "together".

How do you feel about living like this indefinitely?

If you don't want that, would he go to marital counseling? If not, what would you think of filing for divorce?

Yes, he calls himself a "dual" resident. Like I said, he is perfectly happy with his new life. I've told him over and over that this is not okay with me. I feel like a single mom while he is living like a single man. This is not marriage to me and is causing me serious daily stress. I cannot talk to him without him interrupting and yelling at me. Texting is the only way I can tell him how I feel. He does not want counseling or divorce. We have been married for 10 years and together fo 17. I do not want to go through the drama of divorce, but also do not feel cared about or respected anymore in my marriage. It feels unfair to both me and our son. I just do not know what to do. I am trying to live my best life, but this issue weighs on my mind daily and keeps me awake at night.

If you cannot talk to him about it, what options are there?

You could give an ultimatum - either he moves back to help out, or you're divorcing him. Or, you could simply start the process of a divorce. I know you don't want that, but do you really want to continue living this way?

And I agree with you - it's a very unfair arrangement. You might as well be separated or divorced given this arrangement.

I know you are right, it's just convincing myself. That's the problem. Thank you for your opinion and support.

I'm sure this is a tough and difficult situation to be in. It sounds to me that you are desperately unhappy and your husband doesn't care that you are.

When he changed his address, did he just do it or did he talk about it with you? Did he talk to you and say I'm happy at the beach, I'm not happy here? Did he ask you to relocate with him? He doesn't seem happy when he "comes home" because it's not his home and he's not happy.

Even if he won't go to couples counseling, have you considered talking to someone for yourself so you can deal with your feelings? Your are right that this isn't much of a marriage and you can't change, fix or manage him. Your only option is to work on yourself.

You don't need any advice. You know what's happening. Your job now is to decide what to do about it. The man has abandoned you and his kids and is with this woman.

Well, your options are limited. If he doesn't want a divorce and has no intention of changing the situation, the ball is in *your* court. He is clearly showing you - and telling you explicitly - that he is happy to live the 'single life' without you.

You can either accept your husband living his single life or you can extricate yourself from the situation.

I know you are all right. I just need someone to kick me in the butt to get me going. Life is no fairytale. And no, he did not tell me when he changed his address. I found out from the usps notification. I saved a copy of that for my records.

He will have to attend his kid also. It’s his obligation.

If you live in a state with legal separation process you should do that to protect yourself financially and legally. But not all states allow it

How did he purchase the house on his name only while being married? Is it even legal? Don’t people need spouse’s permission to buy property? And why and how he managed to not have your name on it? Where he got the money from? Why isn’t your name on the house you live in and why are you ok with not having your name on anything? Are you paying fir maintenance of either houses? I hope not! Sounds like the guy played you.

Well why would he introduce you to a woman he left you for? That’s not what typically happens. I don’t see how counseling could help here? You hope he’ll leave her?

You need to talk to a lawyer. With having no rights for any of the property you could end up on the streets. I hope you don’t financially support this dude while he enjoys his life with other woman.

See a lawyer. Asap

It's a mess. The house me and our son live in was purchased by him while we were together, but before marriage, hence, not mine. The beach house where he mainly resides was purchased after our marriage. I do not know how he did it without my signature. I know I did have to sign off on the property he sold to have the money to buy the beach house. And yes, one of the reasons I haven't left is fear of being g homeless. I do have an income from my business, but its not enough to keep us housed if I had to pay rent and everything else.

Consult a lawyer. And address him buying property for himself while married.

In the case you can’t allow a lawyer, I was wondering if you can go to one of these associations for women’s support. Maybe, apart from giving you insight in laws, they also can provide you with a lawyer.

If you are in the US there is a website called womenslaw.org that can help you find low cost or free legal assistance in your state. It's been a helpful resource for several people I know in a local single parent support group.

Every state has different specifics regarding divorce and this website came help answer questions based on where you live like factors that determine alimony, child support, marital assets, etc.

I wish you the best and hope you find the happiness you deserve. And you do deserve to be happy.

How are the things going with your child? Is your husband providing him as a good father does?