#1 complaint of married women

Marriage counselor reveals women’s number one complaint in therapy: ‘It’s extremely frustrating’

In a sense we women have shot ourselves in the foot by working outside the home. Some men think that doesn't matter: We are to still do all the housework!

This issue is one that now needs to be talked about before marriage--and each person stick to the bargain. What do you all think? Has it been an issue in your relationships? (I'm asking both men and women in any kind of committed relationship, living together...)

My brother-in-law is a Vietnam vet, so older man. My sister did stay at home for most of their kid’s childhood but when she went to work my brother-in-law stepped up and helped with the chores. They are both retired now and they do everything. There is no splitting the housework into his and hers they both do all of it. My grandfather after my grandmother developed dementia learned to do the cooking and the cleaning. So I believe strongly that it’s possible for the men to do the right then. I have many uncles of the greatest generation who also learned to help, so you can’t just say that’s an old fashioned idea. I think it comes down to if men are raised to respect others and taught by their parents to clean up after themselves. Unfortunately a lot of younger people aren’t being taught that.

Good for them! My husband is good, too, with chores. He even helped diaper our boys and he does some cooking now. I generally clean up after him and do lots of chores. He's gone back to school for his Ph.D., so he doesn't have as much time. And we do hire workers to help us with a lot of things, since we are both now disabled elderly folks. Thee are certainly men who will step up.

Oh, that’s good to hear. On mum’s side of the family the men tend to be better educated and more enlightened. I’m glad to hear your husband is too.

My husband and I were married for 34 years before he passed. This was really never an issue. We always seemed to very much share the duties and work together in raising the kids and making decisions.

I grew up in a family where men and women were always equal in regards to women having careers and spouses sharing responsibilities. . Going as far as over 100 years ago. Everyone is doing what needs to be done. I think it also boils down to what women are willing to tolerate. I don’t have much patience for outdated attitudes and would kick a man to a curb if he sat around while I did it all lol

I am actually pleased to say that younger generation is even more standing up for equality in marriage. Neither my daughter’s husband nor both my nephews or their friends sit around while their wives do it all. Not at all.

My husband and I split all the housework chores equally. In fact, I think he may even do more than I do! LOL. Plus, he cooks and I don't know how to, so he's the chef between the two of us.

My father was very traditional about gender roles. My mother worked once I went to school (I was the youngest of 2 girls). I remember my mother constantly being upset and annoyed and exhausted. My father would come home from work, relax, wait for dinner then relax more.

When I was a teenager, my mother, my sister and I were in a very bad car accident. My mom with 4 broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder, my sister with whiplash, a sprained wrist and concussion and me with a broken arm cast from my knuckles to my shoulder and a badly sprained hip and knee. When my father complained about having ham and cheese sandwiches for dinner that took the 3 ladies of the house a lot of time and energy to make, my mom stood up told my father we would no longer tolerate being his maids or his chef while we healed from our traumatic injuries. He was on his own for dinner. We took the sandwiches, the potato salad and carrots sticks and ate in the car. My mother refused to go back in the house and we went to a local hotel until my father apologized for being "an ungrateful. Inconsiderate sexist slob" (moms exact words). It took 2 nights/days without meals, no clothes ironed for work, no clean towels for a shower and running out of toilet paper for him to apologize.

My father pitched in a lot more after that. Taking out the trash, doing laundry, cleaning up and doing dishes. He was a terrible cook, but never again complained about what was for dinner. He was alot more involved as a parent too.

It can be an issue even when you do set boundaries before marriage....but I wasn't about to back down & used whatever threats were necessary to insure the agreement made before we got married.

I was finishing my Accounting & computer science degree & I had determined out of high school that I would NEVER be dependent on a man if I got married, the way my mom was & I also never wanted to be known as just someone's wife, I wanted to be me & known for who & what I was.

Was getting married in 1975 & I stated that nothing was getting in the way of my degree or career & if he didn't agree then marriage wouldn't work. He agreed but then did everything possible not to follow through after marriage. Seriously I didn't tolerate any of his crap (probably in hopes we would get divorced). Turned out, many times if he wanted to eat he had to cook for himself & when we had our daughter, he was experienced with babies being the oldest in his family so he got to take most care of our daughter. If issues hadn't become his total financial irresponsibility, I might have continued to tolerate but after 33 years I had enough of the stress he caused. When I left, I asked him a couple of questions. One was why did he get married?....his answer: "cause I graduated with my degree & getting married to who I was dating was what I was supposed to do next". The other question I asked was why did you agree to get married when you really didn't agree with my terms?....his answer: "because I didn't believe you meant what you said & would change your mind".

I basically did my career & he did his & we really didn't ever have a functional marriage.

In my case walking out after 33 years was the best thing because I knew I could be financially responsible & make it on my own. Lol.....11 years after I left, I had legal issues against him & in a discussion he told me he had been sure I would come back to him after 2 years but when I didn't he started wondering if he was really the reason I left.

For me, financial issues were the biggest issue of all & he destroyed the marriage with his financial irresponsibility & I think the T we were seeing summed him up the best, that at 54, he had the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Kinda hard to have a marriage with someone like that

I disagree with this comment: "In a sense we women have shot ourselves in the foot by working outside the home".

There is nothing wrong with wanting another life than staying at home and looking after the kids or the male 24/7. Women are not other people's maid. If anyone is shooting themselves in the foot it is by letting men get away with not lifting a finger to do their fair share of chores. It is about setting boundaries and expectations and equal partnership.

In my household, it's not an issue. We generally each pull our weight in different ways. When my husband was commuting 2 hours a day, I would do a few extra things, like getting dinner started and washing any dishes left over from the night before. I had two free hours a day working remotely, so it made sense. These days he is telecommuting the majority of the time and many weeks he cooks more than me.

I think in too many cases, women think he will change or sort of look the other way. My ex's sister-in-law was like this. My ex's younger brother was the baby of the family. He lived at home until marriage and his mom did everything for him. She swore that she would get him to change. They got married, moved into their own house and she soon got pregnant. I remember asking her how married life was, and she always complained that he would not do basic things like bringing a dirty dish to the sink rather than leaving it on the table. When the kid was born, he barely lifted a finger. Sadly, I saw her on the street about a year after my ex and I broke up. She was pregnant again. I wonder if she thought, "THIS time it will be different".

I would not have married my husband if he was unwilling to collaborate with housework and other things around our home. People don't usually change.

The comment refers to a man collaborating or helping with the house’s chores bothers me so much.
It might seems positive but it’s not.

A man has to take charge just like a woman.

Collaborating doesn't sound bad to me, it means we are both working together. Helping, though, is annoying, I agree. The worst is when men say they are babysitting their children.

I think the issue comes from outdated perspective that women’s goal and purpose in life is to serve a man. That’s why they are willing to put up with men either doing nothing or just “helping” or treating them badly.. If the purpose in life is to serve him, then of course it is only expected she’ll do everything and allows bad treatment. And for some women it might be the case. No thanks

And let’s look at same sex couples. Both men or both women. How does this outdated idea even applies? It does not.

😂😂😂 Yes, maybe they should be paid for babysitting. The last straw. lol!

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro 😂😂😂 Yes, maybe they should be paid for babysitting. The last straw. lol!

Lol....their payment comes when I cook dinner

There would not be money enough to pay for my meal’s high quality.

@rechu, it seems to me that we can’t complain with our espouses. From what you say and from what I live with my partner, they are far too much from ancients clichés.
I wouldn’t have accepted a different thing.

On my behalf, only, only there a little complain, I’m pretty much organised tying the fridge, wardrobes, drawers, etc. I admit that I have diagnosed traits of perfectionism.
His repeated phrase is “ Where I have put my “x”?
Me: Who knows, it may be anywhere. lol!

Also I manage with the routines of my doggies care (meds, cleaning). I’m not saying he doesn’t do anything of that but I take charge on it because they have some pathologies and my babies have to feel and be the best as possible. 😀

@azul_Oscuro - I agree. I think the distribution is quite equal, although there are certain things that one or the other of us usually does.

My husband ends up doing heavy lifting things. We have horrible tap water here so we use jugs of purified water that are 20 liters, for both cooking and the pets. They are really hard for me to move and, putting them on the stand is impossible, so he deals with that, similarly for the gas cylinders for the heater upstairs. We switched out the heaters, so the larger one is up here and the full cylinders weigh around 22 kilos. I have no problem with the smaller ones, but the big ones are hard for me to carry upstairs even though my upper arm strength is decent. I can handle moving the 15 kg sacks of cat litter and pet food okay. I deal with the cat boxes in exchange for him doing the heavy lifting, because they really gross him out.


Last Sunday, there were minor repairs and cleaning we needed to get done in the master bedroom/bath and living room downstairs. He started at one side of the house, I started at the other, and we worked until we got everything done. When we do yard work, we are usually out there handling various tasks too.

@rechu, this is the idea. Complement. My partner can do very hard works because of his physical strength and because he’s very hardworking. So there will be moments in which the other party will be there with the help situation. For example, when we bought the flat, we had to do a reform and at the beginning we only could afford to do it little by little and we began by the littlest bathroom and we did it by ourselves.
I proposed him different styles and we agreed for one, I helped him all I could to buy material, to carry them up the stairs, I even learner to cut and stick the tiles and such but he did the hard work.

We are both so lucky. I don’t know in your case but I had to do chores since I were very little kid because I’m the older siblings and my parents had a business so they were for many hours outside home.
And in the case of my partner, It happened pretty much the same and they were lots of siblings so they had to manage themselves very soon.
Then, I see education is key because my parents didn’t ask us for much, they always tried us to focus on school but at the same time they give us little responsibilities and encourage us to do what we may do. That made me effort myself to help them as much as possible. 😀