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Confused Jul 25, 2022 at 12:54 AM
  #1
It's difficult for me to talk about this, but maybe someone can give me some advice or help to try and find some answers. I don't understand myself, my thoughts and feelings – especially when it comes to one person in particular. This is pretty depressing and frustrating for me... It's a rather long story, but please bear with me and hear me out.

A little BACKSTORY that might help to understand my (35f) actual story a little bit better:

Between the age of ~10 and ~14 I got bullied really badly. I just remember getting teased and hit – I was so scared of everyone. My memories are full of fear, anger, desperation and being hopeless as well as helpless. There were two girls I thought were my friends until they stabbed me in the back and switched sides. Those years were the worst of my life and influenced me in a very negative way. Thinking about it still makes me cry... Until this day I have physical and emotional scars which keep me convinced that these people ruined my life and took important parts of my life away.

When I started attending business school (picked one where I didn't know anyone) it took me quite some time to get used to the fact that I don't have to be afraid every single day anymore. I was doing better for a while. After my graduation I moved to the capital city and started attending university. Everything seemed to be fine on the outside, but it started to get harder and harder on the inside. I got more and more scared of people again, trying to avoid social contacts... Nothing in particular happened, my fears and worries just somehow resurfaced again. It really stressed me out when someone spoke to me first even though it got better when I realised that there was no danger. When I had to approach someone my heart was racing and I was shaking, always expecting to get laughed at, teased or hit. When things got even worse I finally managed to contact a therapist and started therapy. It took about four years, but it really helped a lot. But still, to this day I can't quite believe that people would like me for me, that people are honestly complimenting me and appreciate spending time with me. I'm still really scared of intimacy and have never been in a relationship. It's impossible for me to believe that someone would find me attractive, care about me or even love me. As you might have already guessed, my self esteem is pretty much non-existent (except for when it comes to my responsibilities at work).

In life in general I'm doing quite well – I'm renting a nice apartment, I have a job I really like with colleagues I get along with and like, I can afford travelling, attending e.g. concerts etc. On the surface my life seems to be pretty good and I truly appreciate everything I have. But the truth is, there are times when I'm really exhausted from pretending to be okay and where I'm really worried that I might slip into that deep depression again.

Now, to the ACTUAL STORY ...
I work for a company where I'm feeling appreciated, comfortable and very well liked – or at least I hope I am. I'm pretty good and successful in what I'm doing – my hard work and dedication is paying off. I'm kind of a workaholic – I need work... I have the feeling that this gives my life structure and meaning. Without it I would feel worthless... Even though it's a big company the hierarchy is flat and you have the possibility of meeting and talking to colleagues from various departments including management levels, even the board of directors.

When I started working for this company about 3.5 years ago people very soon warned me about one particular person: the head of another department, let's just call her Anna. She's skinny and not very tall which makes her appear to be kind of fragile in my eyes. They described her as back stabbing, always interfering, controlling etc. and very distant as well as private. It became obvious that there are not that many people who liked her or working with her. I was advised to be careful and avoid her, to rather do stuff behind her back than consult her etc. I didn't really care about what they told me – I want to get to know people by myself and decide for myself if friend or foe. I want to give everybody a chance, I don't want to be like the people I feared so much in school.

I'm leading projects on a regular basis and for one of my very first I also invited Anna – not because I just wanted to include her, but because I was of the opinion that her and her experience were beneficial for my project. When the other people on my team (we all have the same line manager) found out they were stunned and in disbelief. Anna was making suggestions and expressed her ideas – which were all good – but no matter what she said people were rolling their eyes, changing their posture to a defensive one and one colleague even randomly asked her if it's planned that she's gonna be in every meeting from now on. I was really shocked, uncomfortable and felt really bad for Anna. She looked like a deer in the middle of a wolf pack. I saw myself in school being teased and beaten.

I told our line manager about this meeting and even though she said that this of course was not okay she didn't really care, because she doesn't like Anna either - she even told me so. I actually had a fight with my line manager before said project started, because I wanted Anna on my project team. She was behaving like a kid telling me over and over again, that she didn't want her there without giving me a proper reason. At one point I thought she's gonna stomp around like a child throwing a tantrum. Since I had decent reasons and stood my ground she finally gave in telling me that we're gonna treat this as a pilot where we will see if working with her actually works. (Fyi: It worked perfectly and I never really had to fight again.)

This was the moment I decided that me and Anna are going to become friends. I'm gonna be the colleague who backs her up, I'm going to be the colleague who appreciates her and likes working with her. I'm going to be the colleague who's different. For the record: Until this day I don't have a single negative work-experience with her – but still nobody understands why I like working with her. I don't have any problems with her, I don't see what other people see.

True, Anna has kind of a challenging personality – she doesn't really have facial expressions and appears to be rather cold, she doesn't like talking about her personal life and doesn't seem to be interested in the lives of others. E.g. One of my very first small-talk conversations with her went like this. Me: "Did you do something on the weekend?" Her: "Yes." And I'm not even kidding, this was actually it... Even though it sometimes was disappointing and exhausting I decided to keep trying. Babysteps, no pressure – she was going to be my personal project. It took time – two steps forward, one step back – but it got better. I have to admit that before I met her I didn't know how patient, understanding and tolerant I can be.

At first it was just about showing her that she's appreciated and liked by someone, that there's someone who likes working with her. And at some point if I'm completely honest, it was also about the challenge of her getting to like me, about the feeling of being special for once. But as the months went by I honestly started to deeply care about her. I worked really hard for the relationship we have now and I'm proud that I didn't give up along the way. Anna opened up a little bit more and I can tell that she feels comfortable with me – she is actually a really nice person and nothing like the others told me.

Now, after three years of working on that relationship, we have coffee breaks together from time to time – sometimes initiated by me, sometimes by her. We're talking about things we're both interested in (sometimes even personal things), but never about work related stuff. She's still not an open book, but she doesn't have to be – it's her right to share as much or as little as she feels comfortable with. (My line manager once told me with kind of a sneer that I'm probably the only one she's talking to, nobody else wants to anyway – I don't know if this is true or why she felt like giving me this information in the first place.) I promised Anna that I would never tell anyone what we're talking about or what she tells me, respectively. Sometimes people, who see us together, are asking me questions about her ... but I won't break my promise. I'm not gonna risk her trusting me just because people who don't care for / about her are nosy and looking for things to belittle her about.

For several months now I'm not sure about my feelings anymore. Anna seems to be the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last one before I fall asleep – when I'm not really occupied with work or other things she even pops up in between. Pretty much no one can lift my spirits like she does by only spending time with me... or make me feel insecure, sometimes to the point where it's emotionally dragging me down into a black hole. My days just seem kind of brighter with her in them – especially the rough ones. The negative feelings aren't caused by severe things – they are caused by me or her not having time for a coffee break or her cancelling, me being stupidly jealeouse about a person she might or might not be sharing more with etc. silly stuff like that. I always tend to overthink absolutely everything – so when I'm alone with my thoughts it's usually bad.

I'm not sure if I'm actually a good person – sometimes I'm convinced that I'm just not capable of feeling things that I should feel. It's hard for me to be e.g. happy for friends; other people's problems make me feel less down about my own. I think that my positive / supportive reactions are based on what I know I'm supposed to feel... without actually feeling it. It seems to be different with Anna. When she tells me things while smiling, when she's enthusiastic about something... I feel it – it makes me happy that she's sharing things with me. I'm glad for her... At the same time it sort of pleases me when I hear other people saying negative things about her, I don't quite understand why... Maybe because that gives me the chance to be the one again who's different?I'm always trying to be there for people, to support and help them... but I'm not sure if I'm doing it because I care about them or because I think that these people won't like me anymore if I don't. Maybe both... This is also different with Anna – here again, I can feel it... I want to be there for her... but at the same time it's even worse with her. I'm almost terrified to do something (or do not) that will drive her away. That the relationship I worked so hard on suddenly breaks ...

She knows that I appreciate her and the time we spend together – I told her that ... but obviously she can't know and will never know about my inner struggles related to her.

I'm just terribly confused about all this and don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. First thing that came to my mind was, am I maybe bi / gay? Do I have a crush on her? But then... there aren't really sexual fantasies – I tried fantasizing about kissing her, just to check, but it was like, hm, I don't think that's it, but I'm not sure either. Due to my negative experiences in a very imprinting phase in my life I'm under the impression that I never learned how to ... feel love I guess. I don't know what it feels like, how dating works, how getting to know someone intimately works... I just missed so much in my life and that just left me confused... and alone...

My fantasies seem to be more about being her best friend. Being hugged by her and hugging her back. Her sharing time and personal stories of her life with me... and me doing the same with her. When something happens that makes me happy or when I enjoy something, she's the first person I wanna tell about it (sometimes I can only think about telling her, but not doing it). Am I dreaming about a platonic relationship because I'm scared of physical intimacy?
What is all this? Why is she always on my mind? Is this only a so-called girl crush? When I'm spending time with people who I honestly like – why do I wish for her being there with me instead? I am wondering, how things would be if everyone suddenly liked her - would I still be so engaged? Or would that be the end of me being interested?

Can somebody tell me what this is? Guess maybe? Does anyone have similar experiences and can tell me what's going on? Any advice? What's on your minds?

Last edited by CANDC; Jul 25, 2022 at 06:12 PM.. Reason: Remove dept # to maintain anonymity
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Default Jul 25, 2022 at 06:18 PM
  #2
Hi @VivaldisSeasons - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. Thank you for sharing your story.

It seems like you have not had the same experience as other people with the person you call Anna. Sometimes I find myself seeing people who are not popular and I think that there must be something there that I do not find in other people.

I do not understand relationships well but it sounds like you are becoming more entwined with Anna. It sounds like you treat her better than other people.

I am just guessing but I am thinking Anna may have secrets she does not want to tell because she knows they are not going to be well accepted in the company, but that does not say anything about your friendship with her. It seems like your friendship is making others wary of you, but whether that matters or not is something you can decide.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 12:31 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
Hi @VivaldisSeasons - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. Thank you for sharing your story.

It seems like you have not had the same experience as other people with the person you call Anna. Sometimes I find myself seeing people who are not popular and I think that there must be something there that I do not find in other people.

I do not understand relationships well but it sounds like you are becoming more entwined with Anna. It sounds like you treat her better than other people.

I am just guessing but I am thinking Anna may have secrets she does not want to tell because she knows they are not going to be well accepted in the company, but that does not say anything about your friendship with her. It seems like your friendship is making others wary of you, but whether that matters or not is something you can decide.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC
Hi @CANDC,

thank you for the warm welcome and your message.

I'm not sure if I'm really treating her better. I honestly like my other colleagues very much. I enjoy spending time with them - they can rely on me, and I can rely on them. They are the main reason why I don't like home office - I wanna be with them. They are easy-going... Anna does require way more effort. Sometimes it's exhausting, I must admit. To me she seems to be worth the fight even though I know that she will never feel as strongly about me as I do about her. The relationship I'm having with her now is probably as good as it gets. Even though I wished for more, I think this is as far as she's allowing herself to develope something like a friendship at work ... and I'm proud of her that she managed to open up this far. But yeah, bottom line is, she's my weakness - I have a soft spot for her like I have for no other.

There is no way for me to know for sure, but I don't think that she has any special secrets. I'm just guessing here, but I'm under the impression that she got severely disappointed and / or hurt by people she trusted - probably at work. Not in this company, but before... and the way she's treated in this company now proves to her that keeping her distance is the right choice. I'm pretty sure that she has certain insecurities - maybe she was even bullied at one point in her life. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m so drawn to her – I just can relate and understand.

I'm not bragging or talking about the conversations we have, so most of the others probably don't even know. Unless directly asked I'm not getting involved in discussions about her and if someone's complaining about her to me, I'm trying my best to stay neutral. The colleagues I work with directly do know that I like her, that's not a secret, but they're not bothered by that - some can't understand why, some don’t care. I'm not worried about me. It's kind of funny, but one person on Anna's team and someone working with upper management both asked me for advice once about how to approve the work relationship. I told them what I would do and how I would interpret certain reactions - one happily told me that it worked (at least for that one task), but unfortunately the other one decided not to try after all.
Although I do know that my line manager is anything but happy, there's nothing she can do - with whom I spend time with is my personal business, the cooperation with Annas department is running smoothly when I'm involved, and I am doing one hell of a good job. My line manager should be happy and stop screaming on the inside. Even though we have very different opinions when it comes to Anna, me and her are very fond of each other and are happy to be on the same team. Sometimes when it comes to my line manager, I can't shake the feeling that there's some envy involved - she's kind of nosy and I think it's hard for her that someone might know more than her.

I had a rough evening yesterday... my thoughts were dragging me down again and I couldn't stop them. Didn't sleep very well either... and now I'm kind of angry at myself, because I feel stupid. During our last coffee break Anna told me about a holiday she's planning with her boyfriend. I didn't make the connection first, but she has a birthday coming up... and now I kind of really wish I could trade places with that guy. It's silly, I know, and I'm only dragging myself down - I always do... I'm just confused and still don't know what all of this means or what this is I'm feeling.

Kind regards,
Vivaldi
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 06:11 AM
  #4
Hmm.. it's hard to say, really, but I'm guessing your feelings for Anna have a lot to do with being bullied and rejected in the past and the fact that you've never had a relationship. You found someone you wanted a friendship with, established a friendship with, and you want emotional intimacy because you've never had that before. I think it all makes perfect sense. You may have a girl crush, so to speak, but not a bisexual one. You may just be experiencing what it's like to feel closer to someone, what it's like to have a friendship with someone, and what it's like to feel some amount of emotional intimacy - and you like all of those things. I don't think it's anything to worry about except to be aware of some boundaries with Anna. She may not feel all the same things that you feel, so you don't want to smother her. And I think your fear of losing her as a friend makes sense too., based on being bullied and rejected in the past.

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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 07:31 AM
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Hmm.. it's hard to say, really, but I'm guessing your feelings for Anna have a lot to do with being bullied and rejected in the past and the fact that you've never had a relationship. You found someone you wanted a friendship with, established a friendship with, and you want emotional intimacy because you've never had that before. I think it all makes perfect sense. You may have a girl crush, so to speak, but not a bisexual one. You may just be experiencing what it's like to feel closer to someone, what it's like to have a friendship with someone, and what it's like to feel some amount of emotional intimacy - and you like all of those things. I don't think it's anything to worry about except to be aware of some boundaries with Anna. She may not feel all the same things that you feel, so you don't want to smother her. And I think your fear of losing her as a friend makes sense too., based on being bullied and rejected in the past.
@Have Hope, thank you for your kind response. You may have a point (or more) there... You’ve got me thinking and I may have discovered one reason why she's so special to me. Anna's friendship is the first and only one so far, I truly had to work for. It took a lot of time and patience, paying close attention, looking for any kind of signals / expressions and interpreting them... thinking and learning about how to clearly communicate despite any differences there might be. Maybe that's also the reason I'm getting so jealous if I'm under the impression that she's also sharing things with others. I strived and am striving for her and for time with her - why should others who are just acting nice get anything similar? Plus, even more important, I want to protect her from people who don’t wish her well – I know I obviously can’t, I can only support her, I don’t fight her fights for her.
I mean, I do have friends – even a best one – but these friendships just happened, so to speak. I honestly like and appreciate my friends, they are important to me… (same with my colleagues)… but we kind of just found each other, you know what I mean? Neither they nor me had to try so hard – we just met, got to know each other step by step and realised that we’re compatible and fond of each other… which was very nice and still is.
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 10:10 AM
  #6
Hm, I am not sure if it is a crush as there seems to be too much focus or overly identifying yourself with Anna. It seems to me more like some sort of projection where you are overly identifying with this person. Your past and Anna's present are uncannily similar (being bullied, ostracized, being the outcast, nobody standing up for either of you etc.)

It is like you are trying to rescue Anna as you wished to have been rescued yourself once. You were not rescued, so you are trying to be Anna's 'hero' in a subconscious way to 'fix' the wound in you that remains unhealed (as exemplified by your fear of not being deserving of love and so on).
PS: Being another person's hero will never heal one's own wound

This
Quote:
she was going to be my personal project
is what struck me. You ought to be your own personal project & focusing (obsessing?) in being another person's saviour suggests there is more going on under the surface that is about *you* than about her (or any feelings you think you may have towards her).

I would explore this more in therapy.
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 11:08 AM
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Hm, I am not sure if it is a crush as there seems to be too much focus or overly identifying yourself with Anna. It seems to me more like some sort of projection where you are overly identifying with this person. Your past and Anna's present are uncannily similar (being bullied, ostracized, being the outcast, nobody standing up for either of you etc.)

It is like you are trying to rescue Anna as you wished to have been rescued yourself once. You were not rescued, so you are trying to be Anna's 'hero' in a subconscious way to 'fix' the wound in you that remains unhealed (as exemplified by your fear of not being deserving of love and so on).
PS: Being another person's hero will never heal one's own wound

This is what struck me. You ought to be your own personal project & focusing (obsessing?) in being another person's saviour suggests there is more going on under the surface that is about *you* than about her (or any feelings you think you may have towards her).

I would explore this more in therapy.
@Rive. thank you for your message. What you're saying is 100% true. When I started working for this company and saw how people are behaving towards Anna, I decided that I must be her friend. Everybody back in school just watched and enjoyed seeing me suffer and even more so being the cause of my suffering. Nobody helped or at least did something to make my existence a little less miserable. The more they broke and humiliated me the more fun they had.

My therapist once recommended to go to a class reunion of the school I attended when I was between the age of 6 and 10. There were only some of the people who would later (age 10 to 14) torture me... she thought it would be good for me to see that these aren't the same people anymore. Well, that backfired... Someone somehow mentioned that I was "teased a little" and they all agreed that if it hadn't been me, it just would have been someone else. That was a major setback for me - they ruined my life, and they don't even care... they don't even see it... it's just oh well, bad luck, huh?

My therapist helped me a lot, but she never managed to make see how I can get closure – she tried her best, but I just seem to be incapable of moving on. There is just so much hatred and resentment for these monsters and for what they did to me… They probably live happy lives with spouses and children who have no clue that their husbands, wives, moms and dads once bullied a girl to the point where she thought about killing herself. Just so all the fear, the suffering and the pain would go away. They have lives they don’t deserve while I never got the life I do deserve – that doesn’t seem to be fair.

I don't know if I have the strength to go back to therapy again... I’ve somehow given up on me being my project – I tried… I really tried… and now I have the feeling that it’s too late, that I already missed everything anyway. So I guess I made Anna my project to at least be able to do something for someone if not for myself. I guess it started with pity (and probably also the challenge of being liked by her) – pity became honestly caring and honestly caring lead to some sort of friendship. It’s kind of a win…
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 11:13 AM
  #8
@VivaldisSeasons the thing that makes me think it is more than just a work friendship is when you seem to be jealous of boyfriend going out with Anna. That sounds like a crush or a yearning to have a close relationship with a woman.

It is interesting for me to look back at my relationship with my mother and compare that to the types of relationships I have with women now. Have you tried journaling about this and see if you can uncover your expectations?

If you do not sleep well one night that is inconvenient. If you do not sleep well every night that is a possible symptom of a challenge in your life that may need the attention of a professional.

What other types of people are you close to that you can talk to (IE boyfriend, girl buddy, family, friends, acquaintances? I see a yellow flag with how you are kind of obsessed with Anna and it does not seem she feels the same way about you from the little you say about her. Thinking about this could lead to some insights which might help you move toward a friendship with Anna without the huge expectations that seem to well up and keep you awake.

For me I make a list of what I am missing in life and how I might possibly fulfill those in ways that would not compromise other relationships, my expectations and teammate rapport @CANDC

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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted by CANDC View Post
@VivaldisSeasons the thing that makes me think it is more than just a work friendship is when you seem to be jealous of boyfriend going out with Anna. That sounds like a crush or a yearning to have a close relationship with a woman.

It is interesting for me to look back at my relationship with my mother and compare that to the types of relationships I have with women now. Have you tried journaling about this and see if you can uncover your expectations?

If you do not sleep well one night that is inconvenient. If you do not sleep well every night that is a possible symptom of a challenge in your life that may need the attention of a professional.

What other types of people are you close to that you can talk to (IE boyfriend, girl buddy, family, friends, acquaintances? I see a yellow flag with how you are kind of obsessed with Anna and it does not seem she feels the same way about you from the little you say about her. Thinking about this could lead to some insights which might help you move toward a friendship with Anna without the huge expectations that seem to well up and keep you awake.

For me I make a list of what I am missing in life and how I might possibly fulfill those in ways that would not compromise other relationships, my expectations and teammate rapport @CANDC
@CANDC, by now I think it's not really about wanting to date her, but about spending time with her, simply being with her. I’m not 100% sure, but I think I envy her boyfriend, because he gets to know her – personally, emotionally – he gets to know her joys, her worries, her thoughts. I’m assuming he must be very special if the thought of him alone makes her smile. It may sound stupid, but apart from the fact that I enjoy her company, I guess I’d like to feel that special. As I mentioned in my thread she doesn’t seem to be that interested in other people’s lives – I’d like her to be interested in mine as I am in hers. I’d like to have her trust as she has mine. As "Have Hope" made me realize, one big difference between my friends (and other colleagues) and her is the effort I put into building that relationship. I know it was worth it – we came so far, and I just want it to continue. Does that make any sense? I tried to explain different issues / things also in my replies to “Have Hope” and “Rive.”, maybe this will create a better picture of my situation… I’m still trying to put the pieces together.

My mom and me have a very close relationship and I’m sure I could also talk to my best friend about this… I just don’t want to be a burden; they have their own problems. (Although they do know that sometimes things aren’t that easy for me.) Plus, it’s hard for me to talk about this – I feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed, I feel ridiculous. English isn’t even my first language; I just can express myself better that way. It’s easier for me to talk to people with maybe even similar experiences / problems anonymously. That said, you have no idea how good it feels to get all of this off my chest – it’s been weighing me down for so long and now I have finally found a way how I can talk about this freely – thanks to everyone who’s commented on this thread.

I think my main problem is that I’m still suffering from what was done to me in school. Even though I had a great therapist helping me, I never managed to move on… I seem to be incapable of leaving the past behind me, as I explained to “Rive.” in my reply.
(Please don’t take me sending you to other replies as laziness or as me being not interested in this conversation. Writing all this down is just really exhausting for me. But thank you so much for listening – very much appreciated.)
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Default Jul 26, 2022 at 03:16 PM
  #10
Yes, what they did to you is not fair.

I do question your T's idea about attending that school reunion. Does it really matter whether they were (or not) the same people. What matters is the impact of their abuse on you - which I think was 'missed'. Besides, abusers/bullies. rarely, if ever, admit to being abusers/bullies etc. They will downplay whatever happened. I am sorry it backfired - that sounds even more painful to have your truth and pain be dismissed and invalidated.

I just think that you also deserve to receive the care and support that you are offering Anna.

I hear that you don't want to go down the therapy route, that's fine. Maybe you can try to extend the same kindness and support that you offer Anna to yourself.
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Default Jul 27, 2022 at 01:05 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
Yes, what they did to you is not fair.

I do question your T's idea about attending that school reunion. Does it really matter whether they were (or not) the same people. What matters is the impact of their abuse on you - which I think was 'missed'. Besides, abusers/bullies. rarely, if ever, admit to being abusers/bullies etc. They will downplay whatever happened. I am sorry it backfired - that sounds even more painful to have your truth and pain be dismissed and invalidated.

I just think that you also deserve to receive the care and support that you are offering Anna.

I hear that you don't want to go down the therapy route, that's fine. Maybe you can try to extend the same kindness and support that you offer Anna to yourself.
@Rive. Thank you!

I am trying to be nice to myself by e.g. attending cultural shows / events, getting relaxing massages or travelling. Things I really enjoy and like. I know and feel that those activities are good for me and I know how to do / get them.

What I don't know how to do is moving on even though I know that it's kind of blocking me – it's dragging me down and back. That's why I don't really see the point in going back to therapy ... she would just tell me to let go, I would ask her how and she would say that I have to find out for myself. Well, I know that she can't hand me a manual and I just follow the instructions... but then what's the point in going there? I don't know how to help myself – if I did I wouldn't need to attend therapy in the first place. Being supportive and kind to myself is pretty hard for me and I don't know how to, respectively. I guess because I was taught in school that I'm not worthy. I just feel stuck.

When Anna told me that she had a boyfriend again I felt happy for her and at the same time heartbroken. Not because she was in a relationship again – I felt sad, because she managed to move on (she lost her husband about two years ago) and I still don't know how to do that. I know these are two totally different issues, but I kept thinking that she achieved in two years what I'm not able to do since twenty.
She told me when and where she met her boyfriend – it basically was a coincidence or some sort of fate if you will. Okay, meeting people by coincidence is pretty common, happens every day... but how does one just meet the right one by coincidence? They seem to share a lot of interests / hobbies and just appear to be a perfect fit. This dragged me down even further. I don't mind being alone, I'm used to it, but recently I'm under the impression that I'm feeling lonely more often... I don't like that, but I don't know how to change that either...
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Default Jul 27, 2022 at 01:36 PM
  #12
How about meetup groups or joining like-minded people / people who like the same activities as you or who share common interests? Volunteering? Support peer groups?

PS: If you were to try therapy again, I would choose a different therapist. First her initial advice to go to that reunion was, imo, a poor one. Secondly, if she will only tell you something like: use a manual or 'go find yourself' - then she is clearly not the therapist for you. There are different 'brands' of therapy and I would explore what these have to offer. Not all therapy techniques are the same.
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Default Jul 31, 2022 at 02:51 PM
  #13
I think you’ve got some very insightful replies Vivaldi, and I don’t have anything original to add but I did want to add my observation that it’s not uncommon to project in situations like these.

I have a need in me to protect, I’m seen by others as nurturing, but sometimes it actually causes me real upset if I hear others are being treated badly. I do think my own experience of bullying had a part to play in this.

For me it’s about boundaries, that’s being aware, that I might have this need to be needed, to protect, to fix, and where is that coming from.

If you can isolate that projection, be aware of it, acknowledging it, but not allowing it to go unchecked then you can utilise the insight into others suffering and be empathetic and caring- it can be a positive thing. I think you did a brave and compassionate thing allowing this woman to be part of the work project despite others objections.
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Default Aug 01, 2022 at 01:42 AM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
How about meetup groups or joining like-minded people / people who like the same activities as you or who share common interests? Volunteering? Support peer groups?

PS: If you were to try therapy again, I would choose a different therapist. First her initial advice to go to that reunion was, imo, a poor one. Secondly, if she will only tell you something like: use a manual or 'go find yourself' - then she is clearly not the therapist for you. There are different 'brands' of therapy and I would explore what these have to offer. Not all therapy techniques are the same.
@Riva. Sorry for the late response - I had to think about what you wrote. I did a little research over the last couple of days, and I may have found a therapist in my area. I haven't contacted her yet, but it might be worth a try. The reviews are excellent and based on the specifics on her website she might be able to help. Maybe I will call her - can't hurt to ask and check.

Regarding joining groups etc. This kind of sounds stressful and forced to me - if I get the feeling that I have to do something, because there are certain appointments; that I must be at a specific location because there's a certain timetable... it sort of takes the fun away. It could ruin a hobby for me. (Also, there are people I don't know, I'd have to go there completely alone. This sounds scary and uncomfortable.) Plus, I have a full-time job and when I get home in the evening, I'm just beat... Maybe if there were something close by and on the weekends - but I still have to check, I just moved to this area recently. Maybe it's hard for me to think clearly about things right now, at the moment everything's exhausting... I'm completely lacking any motivation even for the things I usually like and enjoy. So this might not be the ideal time to think about joining groups or organizing my time outside of work.
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Default Aug 01, 2022 at 02:20 AM
  #15
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I think you’ve got some very insightful replies Vivaldi, and I don’t have anything original to add but I did want to add my observation that it’s not uncommon to project in situations like these.

I have a need in me to protect, I’m seen by others as nurturing, but sometimes it actually causes me real upset if I hear others are being treated badly. I do think my own experience of bullying had a part to play in this.

For me it’s about boundaries, that’s being aware, that I might have this need to be needed, to protect, to fix, and where is that coming from.

If you can isolate that projection, be aware of it, acknowledging it, but not allowing it to go unchecked then you can utilise the insight into others suffering and be empathetic and caring- it can be a positive thing. I think you did a brave and compassionate thing allowing this woman to be part of the work project despite others objections.
@Discombobulated Thank you for your kind message.
This kind of sounds familiar… I think people do see me as nurturing and empathetic too and yes, I definitely need to be needed… I need to be liked and I’m terrified that someone could change his or her positive opinion about me. What’s bothering me is that I’m not sure if I’m trying to be there for people for their sakes or only for my own. I’m afraid it’s more of the latter… Don’t get me wrong, I like my colleagues and of course my friends, but quite often if they’re having problems, it makes me feel better about myself and my own issues. This is wrong, I know that, but I also can’t help it. It’s as if it’s difficult for me to have positive feelings, you know what I mean? Negative feelings, sure, have them all the time, but to experience real positive feelings… honest feelings for myself and others, that’s sort of rare…

Regarding the need to protect… this is a need I strongly have only when it comes to Anna. I can’t remember feeling like this before, but maybe it’s because I can kind of see myself in Anna and don’t want her to experience what I did. Someone in this thread wrote that maybe this is because I want to do for her what I wished someone had done for me back then… Sounds legit…
She is more important to me than she will / can ever know… and I’m surprised myself that I will immediately defend her without thinking about possible consequences. (There haven’t been any, and I’m trying to not get involved if I can avoid it. After all, she’s a big girl.)
I’m constantly afraid of losing her trust again or of doing something that will make her turn away from me. I’m stressing myself out by overthinking absolutely everything… it’s not her fault, she isn’t doing anything wrong… this is totally on me. I still don’t quite understand why this is – maybe because I’ve been working so hard on this relationship for such a long time.

Last edited by VivaldisSeasons; Aug 01, 2022 at 02:32 AM..
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Default Aug 01, 2022 at 12:32 PM
  #16
I think over thinking and being afraid of losing Anna’s trust is very likely connected to the bullying you endured at a formative age, also you said you need to be liked and are terrified of someone losing their positive opinion of you. I can identify with that very much.

Of course in reality people can and will fluctuate in their opinions of us, regardless of whether we are perfect or not. Only they can decide whether our flaws (we all have them) are ones they can tolerate or not. I’ve heard it said that true friendships are when you know someone’s flaws, they know yours, but you still love and like them. You can be imperfectly human and flawed and still loved and liked.

I do hope you can find a better therapist for you, there are better options out there and you deserve help from someone who is knowledgeable about childhood trauma (because that is what you went through with bullying).

Write on here and check in as often as you need.
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