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Alaska101
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Default Jul 29, 2022 at 10:44 AM
  #1
After getting back together after a year and a half apart due to me emotionally cheating on my partner, I have and continue to fail to show up when triggers of the past happen for her. When she needs me most, I shut down from feeling shame instead of showing her compassion and genuine remorse. A few days ago may have been the last straw for her as it happened again. We’ve been on radio silence for a week now and even though I told her I know I can change, I think she’s checking out. I’m devastated knowing this is most likely the end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

After a year and a half apart, due to me cheating, my girlfriend and I have been back together for 4 months. Over the course of four months I have continued to fail to show up for her emotionally when triggers about the affair happen for her. 5 days ago it happened again and we have barely communicated since then. I feel as though she is absolutely done this time. I’m reaching a panicked mode right now. I want nothing more then to show her how much I care about her pain and suffering but all I’ve done is say words and not backed them up with my actions. She doesn’t believe I have changed and that I’m not doing the work needed to be with her. I need advice and help please.

Last edited by CANDC; Jul 29, 2022 at 11:59 AM.. Reason: similar post in same forum
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Default Jul 29, 2022 at 04:07 PM
  #2
I am so sorry you are in the situation you described.

I have heard of situations where both partners agreeing to see a marriage counselor has resulted in salvaging a troubled relationship, situations where one partner seeks to end the relationship and the other does not want it to end.

But I have also heard of cases where one partner refuses this option because they are so set on dissolving the relationship.

In situations like the one you described, it can be easy to become excessively hard on oneself over past mistakes.

Human behavior is complex. And what we do is not something that can be fairly described as like choosing to turn a switch on or off.

We are often blocked from "fully" exercising our free will, blocked by things like habits acquired when we were young, by strong emotions, by fear, by wanting to do the right thing but being temporarily unable to find the strength to do it.

We are often blocked by unconscious things that move us. All of these things can diminish the full exercise of our free will and therefore also diminish our responsibility. We are not beings who are infinitely free. So freedom isn't just yes or no, it is also a matter of how much freedom.

Sometimes our knowledge lacks a key insight that would help us but doesn't come to us at the very time we need it.

Sometimes it helps to think of our free will as something like an underground spring of water that is trying to reach the surface. It tries to reach the surface but is sometimes blocked by large rocks that stand in its path.

I guess all of this might sound very abstract to you, but it is one reason why it is not really good to beat oneself up over things that happened in the past.

This also applies to people who feel wronged by us. Sometimes a deep part of them really wants to forgive, forget and keep a relationship going but that part gets blocked by other things, fears, despair and such.

Please do not think that I am denying that human beings are free and responsible. I'm only saying that sometimes people are prevented from the "full" expression of their free will.

People are often too quick to judge and say things like: "this person did this thing because they are bad." Human responsibility is more complex than that. No human being can judge the being of another unless they had infinite knowledge. We can see the mistakes we and others make but we cannot pass judgement on the whole person because a person is something very deep and complex and a mixture of all kind of things.

I hope your partner will give you another chance. Sadly I am not a psychologist or medical professional so I am unqualified to give advice, really practical advice like "do this and everything will turn out alright." I simply don't have the knowledge, experience or insight for that kind of advice giving.

I have been in situations similar to yours although I am not in your shoes. Sometimes my partner and I have found ways to salvaging our relationship and sometimes not.

I don't even know if the marriage counselor idea is a good one. Apologies for my ignorance. It is heartbreaking that you are suffering this crushingly heavy burden that overwhelms you with anxiety and distress. Wish I knew how to help.

Please lean on us here in the Forums for moral support during your struggle. We are all strugglers here and we try to offer compassion and understanding, encouragement and comfort to our fellow strugglers.

In closing I would like to say that I hope many people will see your post today and that perhaps one will have more helpful words for you than my poor words! It is just awful what you are going through and my heart goes out to you! Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jul 29, 2022 at 05:00 PM
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That was truly beautifully said. I was to thank you so much for those kind words😭
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Default Jul 29, 2022 at 05:52 PM
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Update as of today (7/29/22): She reached out after 5 days of pretty much no communication at all. She feels Shut off from our connection. Says she doesn't feel a lot about us and how she doesn't feel close to me emotionally. She says she is waiting to see if her feelings change, but that she feels disconnected from that love she feels for me. It took her 5 days to give me a reply with all that included. I haven't replied to her all day. Do I play this game along with her and not reply? Do I come to the awareness, as much as it hurts to come to terms with it, that we end the relationship? I don't want to lose her and I want to reconcile with her but she is telling me that the love she feels for me is pretty much gone. I don't want to wait in this state of anxiety much more. This limbo is pushing me further and further away from her and I really don't know what to do right now.
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Default Jul 30, 2022 at 09:09 AM
  #5
Hi. My husband emotionally cheated on me. We separated for six months then got together because he promised he would attend couples and individual counseling. He also had been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. Since being back together and since attending to therapy, his words and actions now match. Before they did not. My best advice to you is to change the unwanted behaviors. Match your actions to your words AT ALL TIMES. Her trust in you CAN return IF you do this. She may be gone at this point, but that’s what you need to do in my humble opinion.

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Default Jul 30, 2022 at 09:45 AM
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Have hope, thank you for the kind words. We’ve been back together for four months and about 5 times since being back together my words have not matched my actions. Every time I’ve slipped up, I promise her change. She’s not feeling love for me anymore and can’t trust me. I think this was the last straw for her. Even though I truly deeply mean it this time. That my actions will match my words. It’s been 6 days with little to no communication from her. I believe she is checking out and moving on💔
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Default Jul 30, 2022 at 02:19 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alaska101 View Post
Update as of today (7/29/22): She reached out after 5 days of pretty much no communication at all. She feels Shut off from our connection. Says she doesn't feel a lot about us and how she doesn't feel close to me emotionally. She says she is waiting to see if her feelings change, but that she feels disconnected from that love she feels for me. It took her 5 days to give me a reply with all that included. I haven't replied to her all day. Do I play this game along with her and not reply? Do I come to the awareness, as much as it hurts to come to terms with it, that we end the relationship? I don't want to lose her and I want to reconcile with her but she is telling me that the love she feels for me is pretty much gone. I don't want to wait in this state of anxiety much more. This limbo is pushing me further and further away from her and I really don't know what to do right now.
It does sound like it's over, I am very sorry to say. She could have a change of heart, but honestly, do you blame her for how she feels at this stage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alaska101 View Post
Have hope, thank you for the kind words. We’ve been back together for four months and about 5 times since being back together my words have not matched my actions. Every time I’ve slipped up, I promise her change. She’s not feeling love for me anymore and can’t trust me. I think this was the last straw for her. Even though I truly deeply mean it this time. That my actions will match my words. It’s been 6 days with little to no communication from her. I believe she is checking out and moving on💔
I hope you can learn a valuable lesson from this painful experience. 1) Don't ever cheat. 2) back up your words with your actions at all times. These are two very important lessons to carry forward with you, as painful as it may be to recognize and accept the relationship ending. Silver lining: you can do better next time.

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Default Jul 30, 2022 at 04:53 PM
  #8
Do I play this game along with her and not reply? WTF???

You have actually decided to perceive her pain as game playing and you want to engage in a game of oneupmanship by not replying?
I might be missing something, but that attitude is not the hallmark of change.
I wouldn't want a partner who perceived my pain as playing a game.

Her not replying to you was most likely her processing her feelings about your relationship, and it would be gracious of you to realize that.
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Default Jul 30, 2022 at 05:02 PM
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I did in fact reply. Took advice from the wrong people as seeing it as a “game” and replied within hours of her last text to me. I understand she is processing if she still wants to keep this relationship or not. I’m occupying myself now with the growing tools I I should have utilized to prevent all this in the first place and show her just how remorseful I am for causing her suffering. I’m no longer going to reach out or beg for this relationship. What she finds on the other end will come from her truest genuine feelings about us.
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Default Aug 01, 2022 at 06:52 AM
  #10
May I ask you what caused you to emotionally cheat on her? Typically this points to something missing or wrong within the relationship. If you care so much about her now, then why did you stray away from her? It may be important to get to the bottom of this. You don't have to answer me, but it's something to think about.

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