[Help101990]

Hi Everyone!

I'm new to this forum and so happy I've found it, for many reasons. I'm in a very tricky spot right now and need advice that isn't bias. If you spend the time to read this lengthy post, I want to sincerely thank you in advance for your time.

My partner and I own a home together. My brother, who has been clean from crystal meth for a month now, has been homeless for the past 2 years. He's wanted help and has tired & failed, for many reasons, some his own and some the health care system/mental health etc. He is currently living with us, it's been just over a week.

Although my brother is an addict, he is and has been respectful. He struggles severely with ADHD and mental health issues that we need to get sorted out and treated. He has a very difficult time managing anything; from appointments to every day tasks as he is so scattered and overwhelmed with his thoughts. Since being with us, he does the dishes daily, has done baking, cleaning and yard work. He's been considerate. He's working on a resume, attending appointments etc. He's helped out financially with $200, brought $200 worth of groceries and will help financially on a monthly basis.

Initially, when my partner and I discussed helping him and having him live with us temporarily my partner was not on board, but understood the situation. He said that I just needed to make the decision and that he would accept it, because sometimes that's what you have to do in relationships. His main reason for not wanting to help my brother is because my brother is annoying. I will say, my brother is a lot to handle - he has a high energy and talks so much, I believe a lot of it is because of the ADHD. My partner also said he knows he's being hypocritical because if it was one of his siblings, he would move them in regardless. These responses are what led me to make the decision to move my brother in and help him. Personally, not helping someone because they are extremally annoying, isn't a good enough reason for me. I would do the same for his family, even if I didn't want to, I would support him. I talked to my brother about boundaries, and also told him that my partner isn't good with change; so my brother is trying to be courteous and sensitive to that as well.

To give some background on my partner, he does not handle change well. He never has. I've noticed this mainly when moving or when he changes jobs. It's like he has no coping mechanisms what so ever. However, I'm noticing it's much more extreme in this situation. He said he's not feeling well, he's not happy with my brother being here and that he's not managing with the situation. He just doesn't want my brother here. He was withdrawn and it felt like he as punishing me for the first few days, then we talked again and he seemed to come around and was alright for a couple days, then last night it was like he was unraveling. (He's also getting his wisdom teeth out, has a meeting that puts him in a position where he has to be confrontational - which he hates and is not good at, and is starting at a new job site) So, in short, he has a lot going on and all of it involving change or something outside of his comfort zone.

I love him, and this is his home too. I understand where he is coming from to some degree. I'm struggling because I love my brother and want to help him. Apart of me feels like he isn't trying and that he is being selfish and that his reactions are extreme. I guess, I'm expecting him to accept this like he said he would and do what we gotta do to make a difference in someone's life.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for exactly, I guess different perspectives. Advice. Maybe something I haven't thought of. A part of me might not be seeing past my own emotions right now.

My apologies if this is scattered, it's a lot and I'm very emotional right now.

[Molinit]

I don't know, if it were me, I don't care how "courteous" and "sensitive" someone is, I just don't want a recovering meth addict in my house. Brother or not, it could even be a parent and I wouldn't put them up in my home.

Is he going to daily meetings regarding his addiction? Is there no sober living place in your area? How was the method of quitting the meth? Did he go to rehab? If so, they should have set him up with meetings and aftercare. Is he doing that or is he free-styling his recovery? Is he doing 12 steps? If so, what step is he on currently?

[divine1966]

One month sober is totally not enough. Meth is so highly addictive. He needs to be sober way longer for you to decide if he is in recovery.

I understand wanting to help but there are other ways. Does he have sponsor? Doctor? Therapist? Have you met with his therapist or doctor?

I don’t think your partner is selfish. I think it’s understandable not wanting meth addict in the house, he’s been only sober a month.

Why isn’t your brother in rehab? Is he in any kind of treatment?

[ArmorPlate108]

It sounds like from your post that one of the biggest issues is that your partner finds your brother to be annoying. Is it the non-stop talking and energy that is an issue for your partner, or does it go into other issues as well? I e if your brother were calm and not talkative would your partner have less of a problem with him?

I ask because my husband gets into hyperactive fits and pressured speech at times and I find it very hard to cope with. When he's in one of those States I can't stand to be around him, it's absolutely exhausting for everybody else in the house. At times he has talked for 3 hours straight while everyone else is trying to watch a movie.

We use various techniques to minimize the effects of him when he's in a hyper mode. For example we watch movies on TV versus DVD, because the volume is lower and the commercials provide brakes that often interrupt his flow of thought. It's not right that we have to do this but it's sort of coping techniques that we've come to know. I don't know how I would feel if this were someone who are not technically part of the household longterm.

I'll echo what the others have said and ask if he's getting the treatment he needs and perhaps he needs some of the behaviors addressed through that treatment. In short I guess it depends on where the specific issues for your partner are. Is it having the extra body moving around the house that's a problem for him? Or is it really behaviors that he finds trying?

[Help101990]

Thanks for the reply’s!

My brother moved 4hours away, to a new area, away from all connections a month ago. He quit meth “cold turkey” with left over withdrawal medication from the last time he was hospitalized. He was staying with my mom during this period. Rehabs are wait listed or unaffordable. Other than a 5-7 day detox & options were / are limited. There are no daily meetings any where close to us.

Since living with us, he’s still 4 hours away from where he lived previously, we’re in the country side and he does not have access to a vehicle. We are a half hour drive from any of the nearest towns. All of his belongings were checked upon moving in. We’re in Ontario, Canada..if that means anything. We’ve done an intake meeting with Addictions Treatment Services, I was present. His worker is working on referrals for mental health, housing assistance and will be getting back to me with information on NA (narcotics anonymous). He meets with his worker weekly, they are doing counselling such as mindfulness, behavioural therapy etc until the referrals come together. We are meeting again on Tuesday to go over more resources. They have someone coming out on Monday from withdrawal management to do intake for this program to help manage withdrawals. As far as I know, we don’t have any sober living facilities, but it’s worth asking about at his next appointment. (These are weekly and in person). This is what we have in the works currently. I might be forgetting something.

In terms of my brother being annoying, my partner said it’s not that he doesn’t want to help my brother, but that he finds him annoying. It sounds like you can more than relate based on your husbands tendencies. My brother is more controlled than that, although he talks a lot he doesn’t go on for 3 hours straight. We also have a large home and aren’t tripping over one another, so if we spent more time together it’s possible it could happen. My brother also never spends time in the living room, so that’s our own quiet space. As is our bedroom of course.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Help101,welcome to the forums. You sound like you have a good heart and I believe you care and want to help your brother. I agree with the advice that your brother needs to be in a program of going to groups and meetings to help him stay on track in his effort to stay sober and learn how to live his life day by day without using meth. This is not something you can do and it’s understandable that your partner is uneasy with this. Your brother is only one bad decision away from becoming addicted all over again. This is why he needs constant support to stay sober.

A sober house demands that those living in the house stay sober and attend meetings and pay rent. You have to be just as strict. Addicts will and do take advantage of a kind person. And the addict is only a step away from once again making the drug of choice literally rule their life. Three weeks sober is not very long and the risk is great for the addict to start using again.

[Molinit]

He doesn’t need a “referral” for NA. There are meetings online, meetings EVERYWHERE. He can do AA, but he seems to be doing nothing.

He’s a white knuckle addict. He’s not in recovery. He should be attending daily meetings and working steps. All he is right now is not using cause he can’t get any.

He’s not recovering. Is he waiting to have his hand held to find his meetings and doing his reading?

Your partner is being forced to share his home with an addict who’s too lazy to go to an online meeting.

[divine1966]

His worker doesn’t need to get back to you on information about NA. You google it. Look up meetings. And he can do regular meetings. There’s no special information. Tell me where you live and I’ll find you a meeting. He has no transportation? Online meetings then. Every day of the week
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