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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 06:47 AM
  #1
I have recently reconnected with an old bestie from grade school. We hadn't seen each other in about 30+ years.

We got together and had a 4-hour lunch, which was really fun! It was soooo great to see her again, even after all these years, although she's changed drastically. I felt badly for her. She used to be a superstar in our class in every single way - beautiful, smart, talented and a star athlete. She won every award and had top grades. But she has gone way downhill in her adult years and is not the same person anymore, although she does have a successful career. Basically, she's a total mess.

My point: We reconnected on Facebook. Twice now she has included me in group Facebook chats, of which I want no part, and with others that I also have not had ANY contact with in over 30 years except for being distant "friends" on Facebook.

The second time, she included myself and a woman who bullied me in fifth grade into a group chat. Naturally, I have forgiven this woman since then in my adult years, but of course, I remain a bit wary of this person even though we are distant Facebook "friends". I am not comfortable with this at all, though. My old classmate asked us both to join her for dinner and a band on August 13th. We both politely declined. Then she asked us to meet for lunch or dinner sometime! And I really do NOT want to meet up with my former bully!

What do I say in this group chat? I feel like I cannot say "no", and that I am now obligated to say, "sure, that would be nice!".

I am also resentful that my former classmate has placed me into this uncomfortable position. She is new to Facebook and I feel like she's making newbie mistakes by creating these group chats without realizing that maybe members don't want to actually speak to each other.

UGH! What do I say about a lunch/dinner to my classmate and former bully???

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Last edited by Have Hope; Aug 03, 2022 at 07:10 AM..
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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 08:20 AM
  #2
“It sounds good. It’s a very busy time for me at the moment though. I’ll let you know when my schedule opens up”. Or you could message the one you connected with first and tell her that although you like to hang out with her, you aren’t comfortable with the other person.

As always social media causes problems. Nothing good comes out of it. Sure you reconnected with old childhood friend. But if this old friend was that important you two would already keep in touch. The way I see it is if I need social media to connect to people I otherwise don’t even think about, then I don’t need these people in my life that bad.

I don’t know in what ways she is a total mess but why would you want to keep a connection if you feel this way about her. And why are you “distant friends” with someone you have no interest to talking to or seeing and apparently you have a bad memory of her as a bully? It seems kind of illogical

Of course it’s just my opinion and many think Facebook is the best thing since sliced bread. I am yet to see it. Of course there are productive ways of using social media but it doesn’t include this kind of drama
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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 08:58 AM
  #3
Frankly, if it were me, I would be truthful. I would tell her that I am not comfortable having interactions with X from our school days etc. I would also add to please not invite me and X together anymore. This way, maybe this woman will stop including you to random stuff with random others.

To her 'credit' (though yes, she should really ask you first) she seems to want to include you and be friendly. It seems she has good intentions but lack of awareness, so you could also politely ask her to please check with you before adding you to group chats or meets.

I would most certainly not force myself to be with bully X in any way, shape or form.
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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 09:22 AM
  #4
I would use 'the soft truth' option. You don't lie, or placate anyone else. You just own your feelings, past and present, and don't blame others for causing your feelings.
Something like this... Its been interesting catching up. I have some difficult memories from long ago that I'm dealing with and now isn't the best time for me to push myself into reminders of the past. I'm not comfortable explaining in detail, so I would really appreciate your understanding when I limit my socializing.

As for your "total mess" old friend, everybody changes as they age. Have you changed in the last 30 years?
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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 09:56 AM
  #5
Thanks everyone!!

The former bully hasn’t replied yet.

Divine, I did try to locate this old friend of mine several times. She was a best friend in 7th-8th grade, but we lost touch after going to different high schools and then college. It happens. Old friends reconnect through Facebook all the time.

And, as I mentioned, I had forgiven this bully long ago, hence why we are connected on Facebook. I enjoy seeing her life and photos, but that doesn’t mean I want to reconnect in person. This also is often the case with Facebook. If you don’t use it much then you won’t understand the nuances of Facebook.

I do want to tell my old friend to no longer include me in these group chats. And I do want to duck out of a lunch/dinner with the former bully somehow. You all have made great suggestions. I’m waiting to see what the bully says first. I really don’t want to have to see her.

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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 09:58 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
I would use 'the soft truth' option. You don't lie, or placate anyone else. You just own your feelings, past and present, and don't blame others for causing your feelings.
Something like this... Its been interesting catching up. I have some difficult memories from long ago that I'm dealing with and now isn't the best time for me to push myself into reminders of the past. I'm not comfortable explaining in detail, so I would really appreciate your understanding when I limit my socializing.

As for your "total mess" old friend, everybody changes as they age. Have you changed in the last 30 years?
Thanks! Of course I’ve changed in 30 years and I’m a mess myself. I was just shocked to see such a change in my old friend, and felt very sad for her.
Her brother has been in jail and is an alcoholic. And she herself married an abusive narcissist, stayed with him for 22 years, and has completely lost her self esteem.

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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 06:06 PM
  #7
It’s a choice. Not lack of understanding of intricacies and nuances of social media.

If I don’t want to see these people in real life, I don’t need them as friends on social media. If something repeatedly causes drama and negative emotions, I see no need to keep inviting it to my life. I do use social media but not to make friends with people I don’t want to see or don’t even like. So that was my suggestion on how to handle these situations and how to prevent them from happening.

Of course all kind of things take place on Facebook and elsewhere but if they cause negative emotions and stress I see no need to keep doing it. Just my personal opinion on how to handle it. My mantra is to maximize joy and minimize pain, whenever possible

Good luck, hope the issue will get resolved the best way possible
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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 06:21 PM
  #8
It’s not causing me negative emotions and stress. Facebook rarely causes me issues. This old friend of mine is new to Facebook, as I said already, and is making innocent newbie mistakes. That’s all.

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Default Aug 03, 2022 at 06:30 PM
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It’s not causing me negative emotions and stress. Facebook rarely causes me issues. This old friend of mine is new to Facebook, as I said already, and is making innocent newbie mistakes. That’s all.
That’s great! It appeared as you were stressed with the situation. If not, then it’s all good!
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Default Aug 04, 2022 at 05:58 AM
  #10
Well, I was bummed out about the thought of having to see my former bully when I really don't wish to see her. And I absolutely do not want my old friend to continue to sneak attack surprise me with group chats out of the blue.

I did address this with my old friend - both issues. She said she had no idea and apologized.

We're going kayaking together in a couple weeks! YAY! I have not done this in many years and am really looking forward to it.

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Default Aug 04, 2022 at 06:29 AM
  #11
Reconnecting with my old friend does bring up some awful memories of that time period, however.

This bully? What she and a group of girls did to me in the fifth grade? I was invited to a birthday party at the bully's home. She hadn't been a bully yet to me, and I thought these girls were my so-called friends. Well, they all decided to gang up on me and be beyond mean to me at this birthday party. They excluded me from playing tennis with them. They made me sleep at the end of the bed, at their feet they told me. I think I slept on the floor instead. And the next day, it continued on as we went to a pool. I had called my parents at 5 Am to have them come pick me up and I was crying. My parents stupidly thought I should "tough it out" and they made me stay. I felt abandoned by my own parents in a traumatic situation, which scarred me for a very long time.

It was the most horrific experience of my life. And they did this to me because they all thought that I had flirted with and "liked' my best friend's boyfriend. I did not like him and I didn't recall ever flirting with him. My best friend turned on me at this party and got all the girls to agree to this.

Then in sixth grade, an all out war erupted between two groups of girls - this group of girls being on one side and another group that included me, being on the other. We would write absolutely horrible things about each other on the desks. I remember scouring each desk I sat at within each class so that I could scratch out what was written about me. The principal finally got involved after this escalated into a spitting war between us at recess. The principal finally intervened and said "ENOUGH!"

So, this is why I do not care to see this former foe and bully.

Ironically, by 8th grade, we had all made up and we were friends again. I recall having this same group of girls over at my home. But, I have never forgotten the pain of that experience from 5th and you 6th grades.

It's kind of like out of the movie, Mean Girls, if you've ever seen that movie.

I am happy to reconnect with my old friend, BUT it does bring up these horrible memories that I had long ago placed behind me. She is on a mission to reconnect with all of our old classmates, for some reason. I think because it reminds her of the superstar she used to be back then and how far she's gotten away from that person that she used to be and truly is.

I may need to keep her more at a distance.... I need more girlfriends who live in the same state as me though. I don't know. I am excited to go kayaking with her, but I really don't want to be reminded of these past experiences. And I personally do not care to reconnect with any other of my old classmates from that school.

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Default Aug 04, 2022 at 05:19 PM
  #12
These girls sound boy-crazy. Boyfriends in 5th grade? I don’t think anyone knows what flirting even is at that age, let alone understanding concept of boyfriends. I don’t remember anything from my 5th grade except that I had chicken pox summer before and was so terribly sick. My brother and I went to camp whth I got better. We were just kids! I remember my daughter still played with stuffed animals in 5th grade. Boyfriends? Lol Crazy bullies.

My brother had to move my niece to a different middle school because my niece was bullied badly. They mainly made fun of her not wearing make up and not dressing in a revealing way and not chasing boys. She was somewhat late bloomer compare to these girls and they were so vain. School didn’t help to stop it so he had to move her. Kids could be so vicious in this age. My niece always had stomach problems while that was happening. It immediately stopped when she went to a different school
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Default Aug 05, 2022 at 05:43 AM
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These girls sound boy-crazy. Boyfriends in 5th grade? I don’t think anyone knows what flirting even is at that age, let alone understanding concept of boyfriends. I don’t remember anything from my 5th grade except that I had chicken pox summer before and was so terribly sick. My brother and I went to camp whth I got better. We were just kids! I remember my daughter still played with stuffed animals in 5th grade. Boyfriends? Lol Crazy bullies.

My brother had to move my niece to a different middle school because my niece was bullied badly. They mainly made fun of her not wearing make up and not dressing in a revealing way and not chasing boys. She was somewhat late bloomer compare to these girls and they were so vain. School didn’t help to stop it so he had to move her. Kids could be so vicious in this age. My niece always had stomach problems while that was happening. It immediately stopped when she went to a different school
It traumatized me for years. And, apparently, it still gets to me today. Young girls can be VICIOUS. These girls were flat out cruel towards me. Unbelievable. Same with your niece.

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Default Aug 05, 2022 at 05:50 AM
  #14
I remember girls talking about boyfriends in 6th grade. But many of them had hit puberty, and I was still years away. I was not interested in anyone romantically.

About Facebook, I did just unfriend a bunch of people that I don't consider real friends (including relatives), and I feel much better now.
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Default Aug 05, 2022 at 05:55 AM
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I remember girls talking about boyfriends in 6th grade. But many of them had hit puberty, and I was still years away. I was not interested in anyone romantically.

About Facebook, I did just unfriend a bunch of people that I don't consider real friends (including relatives), and I feel much better now.
Actually, we did had romantic love interests in fifth grade. I had a love interest with whom I was infatuated.

I am glad you feel better after unfriending some Facebook fake "friends". I remain friends with this former bully from my grade school mainly because I WANT to be past it all and over it all.

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Default Aug 31, 2022 at 09:34 AM
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I was supposed to go kayaking with my old bestie friend this past weekend. We had planned this out a few weeks in advance and I was really looking forward to it. She cancelled on me last minute to say she had to help her boyfriend move stuff from his attic to make room for his son who is moving in.

What’s strange is that there was zero mention of this boyfriend when we had our four hour lunch five weeks ago. She claims now that she’s been seeing this guy for several months. What’s odd to me is that she did not once mention him at our lunch and we had talked extensively and in depth about her recent relationships, her dating and her dating prospects. That’s why this news is so odd to me.

I smell and suspect something fishy. She’s calling him her boyfriend yet never mentioned him to me? My gut tells me she’s really only been dating him for a month.

I haven’t known this woman as an adult. Given the stories I heard at lunch, her life seems to be in a very rocky and transitional place, coming out of a brutal and prolonged divorce - I just don’t understand and this isn’t adding up.

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Default Aug 31, 2022 at 09:52 AM
  #17
It suck’s when people cancel plans so it’s disappointing. Hopefully cancelling plans isn’t a routine occurrence.

As about boyfriend if it’s a fairly new relationship and she might not know if it has any future so she might not want to to tell people about it. Also you saw her a month ago. At that time he possibly was just one of the dating prospects and not really a boyfriend. He might be elevated to a boyfriend status a month later, it’s not uncommon. It’s also possible that she doesn’t want to talk about boyfriends if she is recently divorced. She maybe started dating too soon and feels like not blabbing about having a boyfriend so soon after divorce. For all we know she maybe knew the guy while married.

She might still be in a transition stage in her life even having a boyfriend. She just got divorced. That’s transition. In what way is it fishy? Like she makes it up? Why would she? You said she has a successful career so I’d assume she’s not an idiot to make boyfriends up

I’d make another plan and see if she keeps it up. If not, you’ll know she’s not interested in anything too involved. But hopefully you’ll get to hang out with her next time
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Default Aug 31, 2022 at 10:12 AM
  #18
What is fishy to me is we talked for two full hours in depth about her dating life, each prospect and every detail of dates she went on without any mention of this man. It’s just surprising that she didn’t also mention she had been seeing someone for a couple months. She now says they’ve been dating several months. I don’t get it and my suspicion and gut tells me she’s only just met him and is calling him her boyfriend but is too embarrassed to tell me this. I had cautioned her during our lunch to be careful about the men she chooses since she keeps choosing losers.

She’s not yet divorced and was still wearing her wedding and engagement rings when we had lunch five weeks ago. She’s been in the process of a divorce for three years.

I guess I also want to be careful myself since I want to avoid drama and toxic people and I really don’t know this woman as an adult.

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Default Aug 31, 2022 at 10:44 AM
  #19
She’s in the process of divorce for three years but she still wears a ring??? That’s weirder than this boyfriend situation.

Could be a new guy. I knew a woman who I was friendly with who routinely canceled on me because a man asked her out. Random different man every time, online dates. Then she was surprised I cut the friendship out.
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Default Aug 31, 2022 at 11:41 AM
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She’s in the process of divorce for three years but she still wears a ring??? That’s weirder than this boyfriend situation.

Could be a new guy. I knew a woman who I was friendly with who routinely canceled on me because a man asked her out. Random different man every time, online dates. Then she was surprised I cut the friendship out.
Exactly - I don't get why she still wears her rings. Maybe she finally took them off since she has a boyfriend now - I would hope so.

She also got on Facebook after years of not being on there, only to just as quickly deactivate her account after a whirlwind of messages, posts and trying to organize a reunion for all our 8th grade classmates. Then she just suddenly disappeared.

I asked her to kayak on Sept 10th since she said let's reschedule. IF she cancels again to be with her boyfriend, then I know she's one of those people who puts her boyfriend ahead of all else in her life. This is what I am already sensing from her.

I got a sense of desperation from her regarding finding a man and someone to fill the void after her marriage. She was on the hunt for a man big time when we met up for lunch.

I just don't want to become involved with someone who has more problems than I do. Someone advised me of that once, and I thought it was superb advice. People with more problems than you will only drag you down and drain you.

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