Is my friend a friend? or just a working partner? feeling confused

If you don’t hear from her then she really isn’t much of a friend.

I know it’s difficult when you have social phobia to meet new people and make friendships but there is a forum here for social anxiety where people support each other.

I think you deserve better quality friendships than the one you describe here.

Thank you I really appreciate your kind words and advice it's been helpful.

I didn't know there was a form of social anxiety here I will check it out.

I told my therapist this about this friend and they told me that there is different types of friendships like it's not always 50/50. Like you can get friends from 80/30 like one friend supports the other friend more than other does and how it goes back and forth.
She told me it's not black and white.

Though... to be honsent I do have my doubts with what my therapist said. Since I don't hear from my friend at all so far this week.
And the rhythm of how we message each other has slow down dramatically, especailly when we did the LIVE art class.
So...I'm abit meh... to my therapist. Not sure.

Yes that’s true about the split in friendships, not all friendships are the same. But I think if a friendship isn’t fulfilling you, then it’s maybe time to rethink. You don’t have to cut Kate out of your life, just maybe spend less time and energy on her and spend more time working on yourself, possibly meeting new people.

You’re definitely not alone with social phobia, have a look in the anxiety forums down the forum list.

Well I built the courage to send my friend a message to say I'm not doing the art class anymore.
I message them this
"Hi Kate
How are you? I haven't heard from you for a while, so I hope everything is going well in your neck of your woods.
I've been thinking about Art class and what I want to focus on with teaching, I've noticed there seems to be a high demand for art classes for the fine arts like how to draw faces or the human body.
I got this feedback from Jade who works at the Highbury House and what the parents were telling her, what they were looking for. As well that one girl in the art class we did, how the mother asked if we do anything else. I also thought it was important since there is lost fundamental knowledge here .as I've discussed this with my Jim and David, my current mentor. So I feel strongly and passionate to help the kids with the fundamentals, as it can be hard to seek resources and teach yourself.
I would prefer to focus on teaching the fundamentals for a small group of kids so they can get the attention they need. I don't want to over-commit myself to too many classes and would like to step away from the free art amici classes, so I can focus solidly on the fundamental art class.
It will take a lot of time of research and finding what will be easy for the kids to digest from looking through adult fundamental books, as well as creating modules and doing it kinda like a course so they can take in the information about what they need to learn.
I do value our friendship and what we've done with art amici and I appreciate your help and your kindness you've shared with me, it means a lot.I would like to continue to spend time with you going forward. I know recently the time we've spent together has been around Art Class and I don't want to lose you as a friend, or not see you anymore. Can we still orgainse to me up, for example once a month kinda thing."

They reply back with this
"Awww babe

This reads like you spent ages thinking about how to explain your decision - you don't need to!
Of course we're friends beyond art class you goose.
Yes, if this is what you want to do, then do it
I'll take over art class and see how long i want to keep it going, cos it's not a forever thing for me, either.
And flip yes we must meet up once a month for a gossip etc"

I replied back and felt a bit defences when they said to me "you spent ages thinking about how to explain your decision"
Which wasn't really the case it was more to do with me being very clear because of my past challenges with friends.

I replied back and said
oh, I was trying to find the words to express and explain myself. ☺️
I didn't want to hurt your feelings or anything like that, that all.

You okay to do it alone with the art class?
I don't know if your upset or bothered me pulling out?
I just want to make sure you are okay.

Yes excatly drinks.
oh must ask why was that dude a dud?
was he creepy?

My friend responded and said

"Nah I'm not upset. Like I said, this isn't forever for me, too. But I'd like to keep going for a bit, so I will.
No, just a raging disappointment. He cancelled a date TWICE last Sunday, both times only letting me know half an hour beforehand. Then promised to make it up to me but ignored me for a week. Basically slow fading me.
So he is no more."

I did replied back and felt sorry for her because it seems she has a hard with dates. Then again the longest date she has been with is just 5 months. She said she gets annoyed by them what they do, and starts complaining about them to there friends and then breaks up with them. I did wonder if my friend has detachment style. And how maybe this is manifesting even in friendships.
We were close for 6 months and then KA Bam!
she pulled away.
I do recalled her telling me if she doesn't like someone she stops talking to them all together.

So my last reply to her was this and she never replied back after 7 days now. She appears online on messager but never replies back.

"aw your so understanding Kate ❤️
Okay then. Well I'm always here for you if you need help in it.

oh wow! what a jerk! that is so rude!! you wouldve been ready and make up and probably already close to the location and he does that.
What a loser.

Gurl! I think it's just my opinion. Need to see some men in a group of your interest. So you don't get these jerks.
Meaning say if you join for example I use to do fencing as a sport and you could meet men that way. Or at the gym.
There is this thing called Meet Up and it's all of any ones interests maybe you could meet someone there.
I just feel sorry for you, because you are so kind, and deserve a nice man."

And we'll no reply after that.
We use to talk alot and then after the in person live art class it suddenly change. It wasn't even a slow change.

I have even wonder if my friend is covert narcissist. Just because they lay on me at the get go their problems and now they have pretty much ghost me.

I did check the Facebook art page and they deleted a post saying they would do art class on 27th of August.

I'm not sure what is going on. I did told them that I had to do a art course for 3 weeks and won't be able to do art class. Which is true. But when I told them on the second week they seem to change there tune with me..Or even before that.

It seems like you want more from this friendship than she’s willing to provide. I also don’t see any point in constantly analyzing and diagnosing her. I am sorry but you could just keep it more casual and less regular if you want her in your life or you can just drop her. I don’t think you can make her to be someone she is not.

You advised her to join meetups or hobby groups or gym. That’s a great advice. Have you tried any of that? Not to meet men but perhaps meet some other like minded people for some socialization. Your preoccupation with this lady seems excessive. Checking if she is online and counting days and hours between replies just seems like unhealthy way to spend your time.

You even started exact same thread on a different subforum again repeating what happened and quoting her messages to you. I know it’s upsetting when relationships snd friendships don’t go our way. But it happens

Yeah I know it's a bit obsessive me checking days I between messages.
I do have traits of BPD so rejection is really hard for me.

I do go to a drawing class at the evenings every Monday but that's about it so far.
I get really anxious going alone in groups or how to randmonly go up to someone and say "hey"
I always think I need a reason to approach and talk to someone than just the sake of it.

Or who is approach and say hi while everyone is talking to other people.

If you join meetup and go to the activity like eating lunch together you’d be forced to talk to someone sitting across or next to.

Or join book club. You’ll usually talk when your turn comes and groups are typically small.

Or go to meet where you don’t need to talk like watching movies but overtime you’d develop some courage.

I’d not be interested in meet ups where I have to debate who to approach. Go to one’s that are set up for your style of communication.

You can also volunteer somewhere or get a second job. Maybe just getting yourself busy with life you’d not be thinking about her as much.

UPDATE:

So Kate ask me to hang out on Saturday, we went to a caffee and talk for 2 hours.
She brought me a little cake from the caffee and smoothie which was nice of her.

As we spoke it was good, she told me about her family issues and how she is on anti depressents.
Kate told me how this guy she went out with for 2 months used her for sex.
And I was connecting the dots because she always told me she was going out with guy and that guy and I realised this guy was the guy she spoke to months ago and then reconnected.
It started to make all sense now.

I mention about our art class and told her how it got too much with the socail media and it was taking over my life and the art that was important to me. I said I felt sad and alone.
Instead of empathize she said to me cut and dry
"Well I told you work comes first for me"
I was a bit stunned what she said. I don't even recalled or remember her telling me this.
I told my sister and she knows me I can recall a converstation word by word. And if she did say that my sister knows I would've been upset and tell her. My partner agreed with me as well.

So I felt a bit confused and started questioning my self.

I told her how I felt like I was doing everything and she to me up front up "Yeah it's true you did everything" I said to her "So you knew" and she said "Yes it's not secert".

I was shocked and angry at her. I didn't show the emotions or spoke out. It seem my emotion delayed and it was only when I got home what she said was ruminating in my mind and I was wondering why I was bothered by it.

I question and wondered but why would you continue to let your friend to do everything? don't you feel guilty?

Thoughts?

I’d not feel guilty if a friend chooses to do the extra stuff. I don’t know if you have full time job in addition to this extra thing. If she has full time job, she might not have time to do extra things. I think she had to speak up about it though. It seems like there was lack of communication. You weren’t telling her that you too tired of doing all tasks and she didn’t tell you she’s too busy

She’s being crystal clear in her communication with you. She will let you do all the work, whether it’s art class or friendship. She won’t make the effort.

Would you call that a friend? Hopefully not.

Well she wasn't crystal clear at the begining that is what bothered me.
This was at the end of everything. I thought we were doing this as a team effort.

oh no she wasn't clear about at the begining. I thought this was a team effort but I learnt slowly over time I ended up doing more and more stuff.
She had time because she tell me she be making a cake at home or dating guys during the week.

She’s clear now. If you decide to continue this one-sided friendship it’s on her terms, which means you will pursue the friendship, she will respond when she’s unoccupied, her work and men will always be more important.

It was just never her priority. Neither that art class nor the friendship.

As about her having time to do these extra duties. Just because someone bakes cakes or dating, it doesn’t mean they have time to handle s second job. I’d have an issue if people thought that if I on my only day off I am baking cake, I should take on a second job or do XYZ. .People have rights to date and rest and do household chores and choose whatever activity on their time off. So I don’t believe it fair to say she has all this extra time.

What I blame her for is agreeing to take on this second job but then never speaking up that it’s just too much, not thanking you for extra work and not communicating clearly. And you had to speak up that you can’t do all this alone. For all she knew maybe you enjoyed extra duties

She didn’t tell you that her job is a priority because it’s not something to tell. It’s kind of a given that once a week class cannot take a priority over a full time job that pays bills. It’s silly she says “I told you”. She didn’t but she possibly thought she did as it’s common sense

At this point I think it’s clear she’s not into very deep friendship, she is ok with occasional hanging out and chats and she has no time or interest for teaching this art class. Now it’s your turn to decide on your course of action

She has always been very clear: first by her actions showing she was not overly bothered. She merely confirmed with her words now. She has been consistent all along.

Did you ever read the Maya Angelou quote “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” ? It’s been one of the hardest yet most important lessons in life for me but it’s a good quote I try to remember when situations require it.

From all you’ve written here would you say Kate has shown you who she is? It’s now up to you to act on this knowledge.

PS Please don’t feel because I’ve written this that I think I’ve got a better idea how to handle these things, I have really struggled with people treating me badly over the years and I’ve been the one who’s made excuses for them. I do understand this can be a difficult process for some of us.

Exactly! Just knowing the way she behaved after the first class, cutting communication off, it gives you an idea of how much she is deep into getting her hands dirt in the job (ironical comment)