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AzulOscuro
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Default Aug 11, 2022 at 11:47 AM
  #1
I posted this message in my other thread about putting yourself out there. I know it’s a thread that fit in the social anxiety forum and I’m planning to hang it on there as well when the threads progress. But, I see replies from people who has not problems with interacting with other people may be very helpful. In the end social phobic in recovering need experience and knowledge and what a better way to get this knowledge than from people who already have had experiences in this field.
This is what I wrote:

Going on with learning social skills, reading a commentary somewhere here about a person not being very lucky, to say it least, giving advice or wanting to solve another person’s problems when they have been not asked for…(sorry, I have the habit to express myself with long paragraphs and I think this is not the usual or it’s not well-seen in English. Not sure), the thing is that the person who exposed his/her problem only wanted to be listened.
Well, after reading this commentary, a light switched on my head.
I tend to do the same when someone tells me about his/her problems. If I know how this person could solve a certain problem, I don’t doubt to tell it. And I even said that even if I don’t know what to say or how to sort it out, I think and think to see if something come out from my head.

I’m considering now that it’s not the right thing to do. This thought never popped into my mind before. Maybe, it’s a habit I acquired in my profession from being a teacher.

I want you to give your opinion and insight about how it’s better to address to these kinds of situations. Are there some moments in which is more appropriated to offer your insight, your help, your two cents as English speaking people usually say?
In case you have an idea it’s better to ask the person if your insight is welcome?
Giving your insight choosing the right words so it won’t seem that you are telling the person what to do? Or simply stay silent and only being an active listener?
So many questions for you. But, you all have been very supportive in this thread so I’m interested in your insight. No matter if you have to tell me a comment that I might not like.
I’m not here to listen to nice things. I want to hear you. Whatever! I’m taking note
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Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Aug 11, 2022 at 07:34 PM
  #2
When this happens I tend first to give my personal experience with how I handled similar experience or if I am just giving a suggested way to handle something I make sure it is stated as just a suggestion & not telling them what they should do.

I am also a "problem solver" more than one who gives "poor baby" responses. My reply are always action oriented. You just can't take that kind of thinking out of a computer engineer's mind.....but I try to make it into a suggestion rather than "THE SOLUTION"

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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 02:22 AM
  #3
Hi Azul, I always appreciate your replies and I think the important thing here is that (for me anyway) different perspectives and approaches from different members are usually a good thing.

When I post about something that’s concerning me I am not looking for one solution (there rarely is) but different thoughts and perspectives. Often I do get most benefit from writing out about my issue, it helps me reflect. I think others may do the same.

Listening is definitely a skill and it’s one I work on with myself, I read a good book on the subject by the Samaritans charity. Active listening involves picking up on key points and asking further questions about that - it’s something I practice in my personal life with family and friends now. This way you get deeper into the issue, plus the person feels listened to. I know it makes a difference to me when someone really listens.

Personal experience can be helpful but it needs to be balanced otherwise we can make it “all about ourselves” even if we didn’t intend that to happen. The danger there is that the person will just switch off. So I try to keep personal experience brief in my reply.

What you say about offering solutions, I think as you say there’s a way to do this, to suggest rather than tell. The advice may be fine but it may not fit that person. This is where active listening helps, because your checking in with what they think .

Something I always try to remember is that people who post here may be at the beginning of working out a significant problem in their life. They may come back but sometimes they don’t. They are very unlikely to work everything out on one MSF thread, but there may be some things they read here which help them process and formulate their own way forward. We may never know exactly what difference we’ve made. Other people will come back many times often with the same issue but that doesn’t mean they aren’t absorbing and processing thoughts.

Sorry, that’s quite a lot of writing but I hope there’s something helpful in there.
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 03:53 PM
  #4
Yes, very good insight from you both.
And, please, don’t think I’m talking about interactions here in the forum.
I’m referring to people you related to out of here.

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Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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AzulOscuro
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 05:01 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
When this happens I tend first to give my personal experience with how I handled similar experience or if I am just giving a suggested way to handle something I make sure it is stated as just a suggestion & not telling them what they should do.

I am also a "problem solver" more than one who gives "poor baby" responses. My reply are always action oriented. You just can't take that kind of thinking out of a computer engineer's mind.....but I try to make it into a suggestion rather than "THE SOLUTION"
Ok. Be very cautions with the words I use.
I normally use: Why not…? Or have you try/think about…? Or sometimes I simply ask the person how does (s)he feels or what did (s)he think of doing?

I think this is not very nosy or arrogant, isn’t it?

I wonder how to know wether the person wants or not your opinion. I think you only can know if the person already trust you and asks.

Here, I don’t usually do it. I go straight away many times. Obviously, this is a support group but maybe there are people who don’t welcome a technique or a suggesting about something worked for me because they don’t see it needed.

I will try to be less direct. I normally have a a very direct way to speak. It happens here and in face to face life.

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Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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AzulOscuro
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 05:14 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Discombobulated View Post
Hi Azul, I always appreciate your replies and I think the important thing here is that (for me anyway) different perspectives and approaches from different members are usually a good thing.

When I post about something that’s concerning me I am not looking for one solution (there rarely is) but different thoughts and perspectives. Often I do get most benefit from writing out about my issue, it helps me reflect. I think others may do the same.

Listening is definitely a skill and it’s one I work on with myself, I read a good book on the subject by the Samaritans charity. Active listening involves picking up on key points and asking further questions about that - it’s something I practice in my personal life with family and friends now. This way you get deeper into the issue, plus the person feels listened to. I know it makes a difference to me when someone really listens.

Personal experience can be helpful but it needs to be balanced otherwise we can make it “all about ourselves” even if we didn’t intend that to happen. The danger there is that the person will just switch off. So I try to keep personal experience brief in my reply.

What you say about offering solutions, I think as you say there’s a way to do this, to suggest rather than tell. The advice may be fine but it may not fit that person. This is where active listening helps, because your checking in with what they think .

Something I always try to remember is that people who post here may be at the beginning of working out a significant problem in their life. They may come back but sometimes they don’t. They are very unlikely to work everything out on one MSF thread, but there may be some things they read here which help them process and formulate their own way forward. We may never know exactly what difference we’ve made. Other people will come back many times often with the same issue but that doesn’t mean they aren’t absorbing and processing thoughts.

Sorry, that’s quite a lot of writing but I hope there’s something helpful in there.
I liked what you said about picking up keys. I also have to improve lol! I think I tend to be a good listener. And I ask lots of questions to understand better what’s going on but I also have to understand that there are people who don’t feel comfortable going deeper down the topic. Or they already know what to do but they are telling you because they trust you and want to share something that happened and hurt them.
So, I have to avoid a little that habit of wanting to add something. Sometimes, it’s better be silent. My partner indeed, told me yesterday something similar to what you said.

__________________
Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Discombobulated
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