Is This A Bromance?

I feel like a 3rd wheel in my marriage because of my husbands best friend. They're always talking to each other on the phone. I'm not sure what the average amount of calls between two guys would be but I'm guessing sometimes 30 per week isn't average.

No matter what we're doing, where we go, they're taking to each other. It even happens in the middle of dinner, family gatherings, or when we're watching a movie together, even at Dr appointments or grocery shopping.

They talk first thing in the morning, throughout the day and then at night too. If there's good news that's who my husband calls and tells first. The same with bad news, he turns to him. Recently there was an emergency situation and we were both very distraught. I ended up pretty hurt and upset because I needed him, we needed each other(or so I thought) but guess who he turned to?

Yes, I have talked to him about this, to no avail. He will stop talking every call when we're together or doing something but he's always in a hurry to call him back and is distracted and not really present until he does. Or he will go a day or two of limiting the amount of calls and then go right back to the excessive amount.

I've heard many conversations, honestly they remind me of status updates on FB. Things like his friend calling and announcing what he had for dinner and asking my husband what he had. It's like every thought that pops in their heads they have to share it with each other. It's like they use each other as human journals with all the gossiping and talking they do.

Last week we had an argument because I had a rough time sleeping and his friend called super early, again, and I got woke up. The argument was cause I said hey can you please talk to him about calling so early and waking us. His solution was to just remember to silence his phone at night and he was upset that I even asked him to talk to his friend about it.

He tells me his friend gets lonesome and has nobody else to talk to. Yet I've heard his friend talk about his other friends, things they do, places they go, etc so I don't really believe the guy is just lonesome.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say or even insinuate here. But it just seems so odd to me. This guy knows every detail of our lives because hubby tells him everything. He not only knows our monthly expenses but our grown kids' expenses, he knows every argument hubby and I have, how often we have sex, even what kind of toilet paper we buy.

And I'm really fed up.

Frankly, it seems there are 3 people in this marriage.

Does your husband have feelings for that 'friend'? Their relationship seems pretty extreme and inappropriate e.g. ignoring you and your needs, intruding on your relationship (as that 'friend' seems present all the time) & worse, lack of boundaries and no respect for you/your privacy: where does your husband get off sharing your personal, intimate and even financial life with this third party?! This is unacceptable.

I agree with @Rive. This is highly inappropriate AND intrusive upon your marriage and relationship! Something is very wrong here, and your husband has no sense of boundaries. It's not right to have a third party involved in your relationship like this. Not right at all. I would give him an ultimatum - it's either you, your relationship and the marriage, or he and his friend. Honestly!

I don't know if there is anything sexual going on between your husband and this friend, but it does sound like an emotional affair. It sounds like your husband values his relationship with this friend over his relationship with you. And I would be very upset if I were in your shoes.

I would make an appointment with a marriage counselor, invite him, and go. If he doesn't want to go or gossips about it to his friend, he isn't taking the marriage and your feelings seriously. You should go talk to the marriage counselor anyway even if he doesn't. It could be his wake up call to take your feelings seriously.

The only thing you have to lose by talking to a marriage counselor is the dynamic in your marriage that isn't working. I wouldn't give an ultimatum unless you are prepared to act on the "or else" part. Being dramatic and going big only works in the movies. Real life is much less predictable.

I hope things improve for you.

The point I was trying to make is that what he is doing is unacceptable and that she should put down her foot in some way.

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate it. Now I know that I am not making a big deal out of nothing and have a right to be upset, regardless of what he says.

Now I can move forward with whatever it is I decide to do about this.

Well at first I was going to say that even if nothing romantic takes places, his involvement with his friend is excessive, inappropriate and way over the top.

But then I looked at your previous posts and it’s quite obvious that your husband is sexually attracted to men. It could be just a fantasy of course and he would not actually pursue a man in that fashion. But it could also be that he is interested in men more than just friendship and more than innocent fantasy.

Now we can’t help who we like or attracted to but we can control our actions. As a married man if he wants to be that involved with another person (a man or a woman), he’d need to leave this marriage.

Being bisexual (if he is) doesn’t mean that a married person would pursue same sex partner while married or that it’s even appropriate thing to do. Most certainly sharing your finances or sex life with others is completely unacceptable. Wondering how often does he see this guy or it’s all just over the phone?

I recommend marital counseling. If he refuses to go, see a therapist yourself. But it’s just can’t go on like this.

Oh - I read your other post too and now I have a totally different perspective. It IS a sexual issue and he IS attracted to men. In this case, I suggest seeking a counselor's help to mediate the issue. It has to be confronted - whether he is gay or bisexsual. I'm suspecting gay since he only gets aroused when you talk sexually about men. So what he is doing now is he is carrying on an emotional affair with this friend of his. He is living out a fantasy of being in a relationship with a man, but without the sex.

How much time do they spend together without you?

I don’t see another option that he chooses you or that friend.
Sorry to be so hard. But, not only his friend disrespects your time together but your husband didn’t care about it either. He promises but at the end it all comes to be the same.

I’m sorry a lot that you have to go through it.

@Betty_Banana, how are you doing? I am sure this is not easy feedback to receive. Have you decided what you are going to do?

I started reading your post thinking “You know, I text my female best friend quite a bit myself..” then I read your last paragraph and you said he tells this man intimate details of your relationship- arguments, sex and right there is the biggest of red flags. That is betrayal of your trust and disrespect for the privacy and intimacy you share. He is way out of line.

Then I read the other posts about your husband’s sexuality- that is very difficult and it does indicate their friendship could be something more.

I’m wondering why you’re doubting your instincts? I guess you will have reasons for that but from an outsiders point of view it seems like you’ve been putting up with a lot of stuff that’s hurting you.

One of my meet up groups friend told me ..She knows how many times I pee in a day...This was her mother in law and her hub shares everything with his mom.In your case it is a friend. I suspect he is not just a friend to your hubby. Emotional incest comes to mind.Please take good care of yourself.

Thanks again everyone.

I tried talking to him, again, about his friend, and it ended up in a huge argument.

He says they're just lifelong friends, nothing more. Maybe that's true or maybe there's more he's not willing to admit, or face. IDK.

They don't see each other in person very often because his friend doesn't live real close or anything, it's pretty much mostly just talking on the phone.

I have decided to just back off. If even trying to talk about it ends up in an argument, why bother it's not gonna change. I know I will never take top priority.

And what I will do with that realization, I'm just not quite sure yet.

This should not have ended up as a huge argument to the point where now you feel you have to back off and back down. What he is doing is not fair to YOU. That conversation could have gone a very different way. He could have heard you and he could be making accommodations, but he is not.

I don't know how you're able to stay with someone like this under all the circumstances - I imagine that he still wants you to speak of men sexually to him?

Are you scared to be alone? Are you scared of leaving him? It's Ok if you are. That's very common. But you're putting up with an awful lot with him, and have put up with an awful lot over the years given your prior threads. I personally would not be able to withstand all of it myself.

My husband places me first above all of his friends. I need this and I want this. I would not be able to tolerate a third party being involved in our relationship in terms of every detail.

And the sexual stuff would simply just creep me out. I had an ex boyfriend who turned out to be bisexual who wanted me to role play with me pretending to be male. I didn't tolerate it and I broke up with him.

Correct. If things stay the same, nothing will ever change. Your husband is quite happy to have his cake and eat it, so yes, he has no reason whatsoever to change. The only way to make change happen is by *you* effecting change.

So you are quite happy to accept this and be in a relationship where you know you don't matter that much to your husband? Fair enough. It is your life after all and you decide how you want others to treat you.

You are right that he is not going to change and that you will never be his top priority. So the choices are to accept things as they are or end the relationship. Sounds like you have chosen to accept things.

Just to be clear, just because I said I decided to back off doesn't mean I'm ok or accepting of everything.

As I said, why bother talking about it anymore with him when I already know it will just turn into another argument and nothing is going to change.

I didn't say I was backing down, nor did I say I will be staying with him. I merely said I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do yet. There's so many other choices and options I have and I need to decide which route to take. Those aren't things I planned on discussing here.

Thank you all for your time and your replies. I appreciate it.

I’m sorry for what you are going through.
Just to tell you this and that I understand you feel sad and confused.
Just as HaveHope, I’m concerned about what your situation is and possibilities you have, you know…to take the best decision for you, who are the one who counts here now.