[What_the_hell]

Hi everyone, I have something weird going on between my partner and I. We both like lively discussions but approach them very differently, it seems.
My partner likes to ´test´another person's point of view by throwing in hypothetical scenarios and disagreeing, to see how well-rounded my position is (even if she agrees with it!) To me, however, this comes off as if my points are being constantly attacked and I am defending my point of view, or proving something.
I often manage to do that and we end up on some common ground but when the discussion is done, my partner feels like it was fruitful and interesting, fun, while i feel mentally exhausted, heavy due to all the 'back-and-forth' and often feel like crying. :/ My partner tries to comfort me and feels guilty.
Has anyone ever experienced a similar intense response to back-and-forth discussions? Any suggestions on how to address this?

I realize that I am used to eye-opening discussions when both people share perspectives and learn something new, while supporting or expanding on each other's point of view.

[divine1966]

You have so many issues with your partner. Why are you together?

[Have Hope]

This does not sound like fun and interesting conversations for you. Only for your partner. It sounds contentious for you. Can you speak with your partner about the issue, and about how you feel after every one of these types of exchanges and debates??

[What_the_hell]

Because 90% of the relationship is great and I feel like whenever the issues arise, both of us are open to hearing each other out and find a solution. We come from the opposite sides of the world and have different native languages, so naturally, there'll be cultural differences. On this forum, I only mention problematic stuff and mostly do it to vent. I don't feel the need to mention all the beautiful things that our relationship has, cause they aren't a venting material

[Have Hope]

If she is open to hearing you out and to finding a solution for all issues then it should not be a problem to bring this up to her too.

[rechu]

That sounds like too much drama to me. I like having interesting discussions with my husband and friends about a range of topics, even more controversial things, like the state in the world. But, one person ending up on the verge of tears and mentally drained every time does not sound enjoyable or even healthy.

[What_the_hell]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

If she is open to hearing you out and to finding a solution for all issues then it should not be a problem to bring this up to her too.

yeah, we talked about it and these kind of arguments are going to stop. What puzzles me more is why I react with tears when my point is being questioned or explored, I feel like my point is being devauled. Maybe cause I take it too personally, if the topic is something I'm truly passionate about :/ It has happened in other (non-romantic) relationships, too

[Rive.]

Any suggestions on how to address this?

Yes. Having mutual respect, respecting one another and being emotionally supportive. For your partner it is all a game. For you, it is painful and you end up in tears. There is no respect or consideration of your needs from your partner

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by What_the_hell

yeah, we talked about it and these kind of arguments are going to stop. What puzzles me more is why I react with tears when my point is being questioned or explored, I feel like my point is being devauled. Maybe cause I take it too personally, if the topic is something I'm truly passionate about :/ It has happened in other (non-romantic) relationships, too

Maybe your point of view IS being devalued, and that's why you cry. Others may. have done the same thing to you. Perhaps you're NOT taking it too personally, and perhaps these people ARE. in fact, stepping on your toes, including your partner.

[What_the_hell]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Maybe your point of view IS being devalued, and that's why you cry. Others may. have done the same thing to you. Perhaps you're NOT taking it too personally, and perhaps these people ARE. in fact, stepping on your toes, including your partner.

I think it's mostly the fact that after each of my arguments she comes back with 'and what it...' and too many what ifs is annoying!!

[AzulOscuro]

It’s natural you feel sad and cry, you don’t feel listened as you deserve. It’s kind of a battle or a game she needs to win. There must be a reason or reasons behind it. Issues of her.

Your reactions seems to giver her fuel to go on this way. Why not talking to her straight away and tell her that her behaviour is inadmissible and that next time she discusses like that, you are not gonna enter in her game.

Next time she began to discuss like that, you simply gives your back to her and do another stuff. This way, you can see whether she realises of her behaviours. Many times, we follow learnt patterns or have issues inside that we have to sort out in order to learn how to properly communicate.

You deserve to be treat well and considered.

Can I ask you a question? Are you girls living together for a long time?

P.S.: @To-the-hell, you know that you can always set boundaries but you can’t change the other person. The real power you have is on setting boundaries (stand for yourself) and see if there’s something hidden (something you gain) behind your own reactions ( in case, there may be something unconscious). Apart from the obvious, of course.
I’m not blaming you at any moment. I’m only pointing out something to consider. Because, most of the times, we choose a way to react and not other for a reason. And in my honest opinion, it’s something worthy to check up.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by What_the_hell

I think it's mostly the fact that after each of my arguments she comes back with 'and what it...' and too many what ifs is annoying!!

It does seem more like a game for her - which indicates she likes having power over you (in my opinion).

[What_the_hell]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

It’s natural you feel sad and cry, you don’t feel listened as you deserve. It’s kind of a battle or a game she needs to win. There must be a reason or reasons behind it. Issues of her.

Your reactions seems to giver her fuel to go on this way. Why not talking to her straight away and tell her that her behaviour is inadmissible and that next time she discusses like that, you are not gonna enter in her game.

Next time she began to discuss like that, you simply gives your back to her and do another stuff. This way, you can see whether she realises of her behaviours. Many times, we follow learnt patterns or have issues inside that we have to sort out in order to learn how to properly communicate.

You deserve to be treat well and considered.

Can I ask you a question? Are you girls living together for a long time?

P.S.: @To-the-hell, you know that you can always set boundaries but you can’t change the other person. The real power you have is on setting boundaries (stand for yourself) and see if there’s something hidden (something you gain) behind your own reactions ( in case, there may be something unconscious). Apart from the obvious, of course.
I’m not blaming you at any moment. I’m only pointing out something to consider. Because, most of the times, we choose a way to react and not other for a reason. And in my honest opinion, it’s something worthy to check up.

THANKS for this, these are really good points she did express that she treats it like a game, and disagrees to 'enrich the conversation because when people agree on everything, the conversation may become boring'.
She expressed that she assumed I treat it like a game, too and that we were both having fun.

Mind you, we have a lot of good interactions and clear communication in general. But it's the arguments that sting. I am going to use your advice and remember about boundaries and also look more into my reactions. <3

[Stressreleaser]

Seems to be strange.

[ArmorPlate108]

Just a question... What would happen if when you get to a point of starting to feel overwhelmed or that it's not fun, if you were to say to her something like, "I feel like I'm burning out on this topic. Let's take a break, or talk about or do something else." Would she let it go and give you a break from the conversation? Or would she push on? Doing something like that will tell you if she respects where your boundaries are or not. It also allows you to tune into yourself and get your needs met.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by What_the_hell

THANKS for this, these are really good points she did express that she treats it like a game, and disagrees to 'enrich the conversation because when people agree on everything, the conversation may become boring'.
She expressed that she assumed I treat it like a game, too and that we were both having fun.

Mind you, we have a lot of good interactions and clear communication in general. But it's the arguments that sting. I am going to use your advice and remember about boundaries and also look more into my reactions. <3

Disagree for the sake of disagreeing is pointless, to say the least.
I don’t buy her explanation.
Sometimes people want to get control over others, including their partners, even little things because they have a lack of something and they need to full their Ego with something else.
It might not mean anything serious, only something that is being a brick in your relationship, girls. And, you have to make clear what you are not ready to take in.
Communication is very important between you and your girl. Maybe, she sees you nice and easy-going and she’s taking advantages ( not from you) but in order to cope with her issues.
I don’t know…I’m guessing. You know better than anyone what could be possibly happening.

[Open Eyes]

Nothing wrong with a healthy debate, but when the other person begins to tear you down that’s just disrespect.