Most of my friends are self absorbed, what should aI do?

All of my friends at the moment except for one never ask me how I’m doing. They seem to care about other people more, but not me. A few of them are new friends. The other half I’ve kniwn as part of a group for 4 years.

It’s very annoying. I ask other people about themselves & I listen to their problems. When I try to talk about mine though, they just turn the conversation back to themselves or act bored & interrupt me or they at distracted.

This makes me angry, but I don’t want to loose them as they are OK in other ways. I also have a hard time making female friends as I’m shy & introverted. I have social anxiety too.

I don’t mumble or stutter or talk excessively about the same thing like they do. One lady will talk about her horrible boss for an hour straight wach time we see her, ugh! She refuses to find another job though due to the pay being good, and that it’s close to her house despite having her hours cut.

It’s very irritating! I don’t even listen to her or ask her questions anymore. I tune her out now. Another friend only talks about herself & her problems all the time & is now ignoring me for no apparent reason even though I’ve done nothing but listen to her.

I don’t understand this. My only rwal friend told me that I need to set boundaries with my hese people & to tell them excuse me, but you’ve been talking about yourself for an hour & you haven’t once asked about or listened to me.

How can I say that without making my friends defensive or angry? They might make excuses & deny everything.

Also, my therapist said that I probably get treated with disrespect since they know that I won’t go anywhere. That I’ll just tolerate their rude & selfish behavior as they see me as needing them more than they need me.

What should I do or say? Why my friends treat me like I don’t matter when I treat them well? This is making me angry, resentful, & depressed.

I’d dump all of them if I could only find better friends. I’m trying to make new friends, but its hard. I keep coming across the same types of people all the time, ugh!

I even asked my friend ls in the group to please not interrupt me & I even asked if I was boring them & they said they were listening when they clearly weren’t listening to me. They were obviously talking to each orher instead.

I asked one lady one on one what the issue was & she said they were talking about other people they know that I don’t.

I think they didn’t care about my issue & thst they only want to talk about their own interests, rude! So I just get b.s excuses from them, ugh!

One former friend even told me that her problems are more important than mine. We came close to loosing out house once and yet her problems mattered more, wth?

Another former friend said that my problems aren’t that big of a deal compared to other peoples problems, ugh! She’d also constantly talk over & interrupt me to reoeat the same stories even though I told her to stop doing that.

The two women who are extroverts in the group don’t even bother asking the other interoverted woman in the group about her husband sometimes. He has cancer.

Occasionally they do. She never brings that up unless she’s asked about him. They’ll say something once in awhile though. Not with me though.

jesyka, it’s not so much that they don’t care. It’s hard for them to understand that you have social anxiety because it’s not easy for them unless they have experienced a psychological issue.
I do understand very well your need to belong and surely you are young so your need to have people to hang up is stronger.

I also understand that you are having to cope with situations and some of these people that upset you but you found it was the best way to have social relations. It’s very hard. I can guess how bad you must feel. Social anxiety is a real b!tch.

As you have this problem, let them (at least, the ones you see as more trustful) be the ones who take the charge of the conversation. And try to involve, like you do, being an active listener. It’s part of our path to get a progressive desensitisation to social contact.
You can be the introvert friend. There’s nothing bad at it.
Of course, I’m not pushing you to cope with people you think are not worthy. Keep the ones you think are worthy or you feel that you may have a good connection.

In regards to the friend who is having a tough time, you already messaged her and showed your concern. Now, let her time. Don’t write to her more.
Feel proud of yourself because you already showed her your support, now it’s up to her.

Consider which other options you have to meet other people. And don’t feel embarrassed for the fact that you have this problem to connect with people because of social anxiety. It’s a handicap, I know, but I’m sure you have many good aspects of yourself.

Is there any possibility for you to work with a psychologist and tells this person about your problem. It’s much better to talk to a professional than telling your friends about it. So, if they are too young and don’t understand about these things, at least, you are preventing them from considering you kind of “inferior”.
You are not alone, @jesyka. I know it’s very hard. Now, you have to work to do exactly what may make you stronger. Working with a professional may be a good choice.

Hi, thanks. I was wondering what makes you think that I’m a young person? I’m actually middle aged. And so are my friends.

Most of them know that I have social anxiety. You’d think they’d be more sensitive towards me, but as you can see, they’re not.

I get ignored even when I ask them to please not interrupt me & to listen to me talk. It’s mostly about them & I’m thinking about unfollowing everyone & deleting Instagram just to see if they’d even notice my absence, lol 😆

Maybe then they’ll contact me once I start to ignore them & not be accessible on social media, lol

Btw, I do have a therapist I see once a werk on Zoom. I have kept my issues to myself now most of the time. They keep on talking about their issues & they never ever ask me how I’m doing. How can I let them know gow much this bothers me without causing them to get upset or defensive?

Can you distance yourself from this group you've known for 4 years, join new groups and meet new people? The newer few friends I think you can drop more easily because they're new friends and they have proven themselves to not be good friends.

It doesn't sound like any of these people are truly your good friends. Good friends reciprocate and allow you the space and time to talk about your own life. These people don't seem to care about your life as much as they care about their own.

I know it can be hard to meet new people and forge new friendships, but it's not impossible. You just have to place yourself in the types of situations that encourage new friendships - meetup groups for example. And social anxiety doesn't need to hold you back. You can still make new friendships. Many people are anxious around new people.

Sorry, don’t take me the thing about age bad. It was a simple assumption on my behalf. When you mentioned social anxiety and when reading your posts I assumed you were younger because of your need to connect with a group of friends. As I aged, I don’t feel this urge as I used to in the past.

In regards to hiding your issues from the vast majority of people, I meant not only to tell them about you having social anxiety but also to these demands on them about you not feeling listened. That places you in an inferior position towards them. Especially if your comments show some kind of angriness.

You seem to have clear what you want from a good friend however you seem to need to know how to put boundaries, thing I understand. I already told you that I do understand it.

I forgot to tell you in my first post something I consider very important.
That is, it’s infinitely healthy to not take others’ behaviours as personal.
You can’t guess how much people don’t like me. Does it imply that I’m not valuable? No, it doesn’t. Only they don’t get along well with me or they have other plans and other people to get involve with or they aport what they need.

I’m happy that you are doing therapy. That’s say a lot about your proactive attitude.

You are not responsible for what they may feel or how they may take in your comments while you convey your message in an assertive way, in case you feel they are worthy enough to give this step. If not, I don’t see the point to tell them.
I underline the word assertive because it’s very important. It means respect for others’ rights but also respect for yourself and your rights.
I personally wouldn’t bother myself to manifest another person a relation problem unless they are very significant for me.

It’s difficult. It sounds like you want to make friendships but the people you call friends in this post really don’t sound like friends at all to me. Is there anything about your relationship with them that you do like? Otherwise I’m not sure I’d persist with them.

I think there’s something in boundary setting and like your therapist says some people will behave like this if they think you’ll tolerate it, has your therapist given you any guidance how you should react?

Thanks. I have tried meetup. It’s hard for me to socialize in groups. The extroverts do most of the talking. O just joined a small group & the organizer seems nice. She said that she used to be shy too.

Hopefully I’ll be able to find real friends soon. I’m on the verge of giving up

I thought I made myself clear to my friends a few times & they’re still treating me the sane way. I still get I ignored & interrupted at times. How do I establish firmer boundaries with people?

Maybe it’s them. I can’t change them.

I put up with them since we do get out & do fun things together at times. We went to a few concerts together. There’s safety in numbers. So that’s one benefit I get from the group.

My husband doesn’t like to go out much, so I need my friends. My therapist is going to help me with this issue soon.

I guess if they are more activity companions and that works well then maybe you can adjust expectations to just see them as that rather than friends? I understand this because I had a lot of activity companions myself through sport and that was good, but we didn’t meet up other than that or share emotional support as one would with closer friends. Can you keep them as activity companions?

I found this link which might be interesting to you:

4 Types Of Friendships You'''ll Have Throughout Your Life

With a high percentage of people their favorite subject to talk about is themselves. It wouldn’t surprise me if these individuals don’t really know how to listen and be a friend.

That’s true.

That’s what I intend to do. Thanks for the link too.

@jesyka it’s important to understand that other people interact in the only way they know how. That means that the people who only talk about themselves are showing you this is what they know. It doesn’t always mean your needs and problems are not important or that you have no value.

Could you continue to try and find smaller groups to join? I would imagine those would be far easier.

This is a great suggestion. That's how friendships go - you can have different friends for different needs/reasons.

I agree with the most part other users are saying here but having social anxiety, you question yourself about every aspect you think it didn’t go well in a relation or social contact. You blame yourself. You even say yo yourself things such us: This that I didn’t like it’s because I’m inadequate.
You see rejection and you see yourself different because you already put yourself in a secondary (to say the least) position.
You are not free to be yourself. You see yourself unworthy to be at the same level as the others even when you want to be an equal and that’s why @jesyka complaints about not receiving an equal treatment.
The only solution I see is, you, @jesyka, going on working with the therapist to empower your self-esteem. Then, you are gonna see people and know up to what point you can develop a deeper or a less deeper relation. And accept this fact. That there are people who are very valid to spend a time with doing some kind of stuff and others are valid to develop a deeper and trusting relation.
And you will be the one who choose, in the same way as they choose.
First, it’s you, then, you can be a support for others. But firstly, it’s you.
Also, in the way you accept yourself, you will be more able to accept how others are. And of course, acceptation how others are, doesn’t mean you will want to spend time with them. Or at least, not too much time. You will choose.

Very true! Narcissistic traits are the ones who being mainly promote in many societies. Why? Because, it helps to consumerism.